Insomnia friends; bye bye 2010 the year of bad sleep, hello 2011 the year of good sleep!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

How about this then everyone?

I'm coming up to 16 weeks!

I'm feeling terrible at the moment. I slept last night, not brilliant, but I slept. Woke up this morning with the horrible, horrible churning anxiety and I can't take this any more. I'm not strong enough. I'm tired. I can't be sleep-deprived. I have work and children and life. I can't do it. I don't know why I can't switch off sometimes, I don't know what's wrong with me, why I get so anxious but I can't do it. I look at the DSs and think I wish they had a better mum than me. DH is too busy to care particularly. He says he does worry about me but he's gone by 6.30am every morning and not back until 6.30pm or later most days and he's been working weekends on and off and the odd overnight trip. I feel so alone. I used to be able to cope with life and stress, before DS3 came along and before I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve 2009. I'm sick of this now. I really am. I know I'm doing all the wrong things: wallowing, crying, feeling sorry for myself. But I'm pissed off. I've been so happy for weeks and sleeping so much better. I had my second CBT yesterday and it was really good and did make sense, so why can't I apply it? I'm doing all the things wrong he talked about: catastrophising, personalizing, seeing the situation in black and white, etc etc.

Sorry - very self-indulgent post!

becky calm down - it is quite normal to sleep badly after a therapy session and it needs a bit of time to bed in before you can apply it. You can cope - you have coped with far far worse than this - you're great as a mum, your dh cares - you know all that.

Make a nice cuppa for yourself, deep breath and get started on the day - you will be ok xxx

Thanks madmouse I didn't realise that therapy can make things feel a bit worse (last week when I had my first session I was doing so good I actually said to him 'I don't think I need any help and there are people who need help more than me'). It just seems so strange because everything he said made such perfect sense, ie the fact that I turn things into a catastrophe, get anxious, etc when doing that actually doesn't change the outcome. What I like was that he said you basically have two choices when you are confronted with a fear, you can either worry about it and make yourself feel crap, or not worry about it and get on with your life, whatever you do the outcome isn't affected. I know all this is true because DH always takes the 'no worry' route and he sleeps really well, I hate him! But the last three nights I have turned back into this horrible worry wort, going back in time to 12 months ago, and I know all the feelings I have are wrong, counter-productive, and actually stop me sleeping but how to break the cycle I don't know!

The thing about me I don't get is that I have no reason to be this anxious person.

Everyone is up now, eating toast, the day has begun. I feel a bit better xx

becky so sorry to read your post and that you are feeling anxious and crap. I agree with madmouse - try not to panic, and don't expect the CBT to work instantly - it does take a while and lots of practise to start implementing the techniques. I found with me that anxiety is some how "hard-wired" - I find it extremely difficult to break these anxious thought patterns. I know that it is possible though but it takes a lot of mental effort. And you have to be in a good place - i.e. not sleep deprived.

As we all know so well, the world feels 100x worse on lack of sleep. All our worries are magnified and life seems too impossible to carry on. Challenges we would normally rise to without second thought become huge mountains to climb.

I'm sure you are due a good night very very soon. I know how hard it is but to break the cycle of negative thoughts I really believe you have to consciously STOP yourself. Everytime you start thinking negative, just STOP. Turn it around. Force yourself to say a PST even if it feels stupid. And say it out loud so your subconscious can't overrule it in your head.

Lots of hugs today.. you will get through it. I'm sure in a few weeks you will be the one saying all this to me.... xxxx

I will plod on :)

Grrr horrible negative thoughts, horrible subconscious. I think I am hard wired now to be panicky about sleep and I wish there were a cure. I don't want to be like this for ever.

But becky if you added up the number of good nights sleep you've had in the past year and compared it to the number of bad nights you would be amazed. I bet there are hardly any bad nights. Yes, you may be prone to anxiety about sleep because of everything that has happened (same as me) but it doesn't mean it has to rule your life. You won't be like this forever If I lived near you I would be round like a shot to make you brownies and cheer you up xxx

I wish I could 'like' your post GetDown. Brownies sounds lovely xxx

You're right though - the bad nights are probably only a small percentage of the total.

Becky Your post "we'll sleep better tonight" worked for me the other night and i've been sleeping a lot better (even managing to ignore DH to be snoring) so i'm sending you a "You will sleep better tonight." In the hope that it will work. I'm not going to tell you not to get down and upset because I know that I felt like that when I wasn't sleeping and I didn't feel better until I started sleeping better. The one thing I will say is your DS's are lucky to have you for their mummy and they need you and they love you, (even if they drive you mad sometimes). But I do know how it feels to think that your kids deserve a better mum as that's how I feel about DS when i'm having a dark moment. I'm actually feeling a bit rubbish today as Ds has a bruise on his back and I have no idea how he got it, wondering now if i'm a bad mother. Last night I woke up after only 10 mins and nearly had a meltdown about not being able to get back to sleep. i got up, went to the loo, did some deep breathing, got back into bed and before I knew it the alarm was going off. I still have lots of anxiety about whether the insomnia will come back but i'm trying to chill out a bit. I don't know whether my body has sorted itself out or whether its the trytophan but i'm going to keep taking it for the time being and see what happens.

Getdown Glad everything is going ok with the bump. You'll be a great stay at home mummy i'm sure.

Madmouse Hope you're ok.

Feeling a bit stressed. Still waiting to see if our house move is going ahead. I'm too nervous to start packing until we exchange contacts. Also DS has started to really fight his afternoon nap and i'm not sure what to do about it. He's only 8 months so he still needs it but he never seems to get tired. I spend ages watching for the sleepy signs but he seems to have so much energy. His morning one is still fine, touch wood. I can hear him talking to himself and he's been doing that for 10 mins now, still at least he's not distressed, probably will start screaming now i've said that!

Hello, couldn't sleep last night. But I didn't panic at all. Or at least as soon as I felt that familiar panic I tried my best to quell it. I did fall asleep at around midnight and awake at 6.30am. So an ok-ish night's sleep. The anxiety is a bit less this morning. So maybe (fingers, toes, everything crossed) I'm getting over this blip. I really hope so! Don't like blips. Blips are horrible.

Holly house moving is sooooo stressful and it's such a strange system we have here how everything is all go as soon as the contracts are exchanged and you just have no time to plan! When we moved here we had problems finding DS1 a school as we exchanged contracts in June, moved in August, school started in September. I feel for you. Are you moving to a new town or just near by? I'm sure you've told us but I can't remember.

hi becky - sorry to hear you are having a blip but if it's any reassurance i too have blips but you almost have to just acknowledge them and then let them pass over you.

one thing which always helps me is telling myself that it is NORMAL to have several rubbish nights sleep in a row. 'normal' people have this - i know my mum does, my mother in law even my husband sometimes. so perhaps when you can see these blips as part of the almost routine of everyday life then they will seem less scary.

of course i'm a fine one to talk, i've just had the most anxiety ridden week for about a year. we went on holiday abroad and the children were ill for most of it (temperatures, a bit of sickness) and then last night DS2 was properly throwing up for several hours. at least we're home now. also, oddly it hasn't affected my sleep but the old anxiety ridden emetophobia is on red alert but that's another thread!

i hope you have a happy day today and that you can keep yourself busy to take your mind off things. come to think of it, maybe i should take my own advice!

Hello countrylover good to hear from you. Sorry you've had a bad week with anxiety - I know exactly what that is like being a bit emetophobic myself (there's a tummy bug going around DS1 and DS2's school right now so I am on the alert at the moment!). You do speak wise-words about the sleep thing. I was thinking about what you said last night as I was lying in bed feeling quite wired up and not at all sleepy and thinking 'this is normal, everyone has nights like this'. And, well, I must have fallen asleep soon after. I had a very restless night though but that is quite normal for me at the moment with work being a bit stressful.

How are you all, everyone else?

I'm a bit stressed! DS screaming in his cot refusing to have a nap. We've had no problems with naps for months and in the past week he's getting worse and worse and i'm finding it very hard not to get upset. I feel like walking out. He's being difficult with going down for his afternoon one too. He needs the sleep and he is tired but he then screams the place down when I try to put him down in his cot.

He was awful at bedtime last night too

I've now got him up again and he is in his bouncer trying not to fall asleep. Have no idea what's up with him or what to do. He's not ill and doesn't seem to be teething.

I'm even more stressed as I couldn't sleep last night and ended up taking half a sleeping pill at 1am. I feel groggy and angry at the world and i'm tryign not to get annoyed with DS when he's being difficult but I just want him to have a sleep so I can read a book and try to chill out.

DH to be is putting a lot of pressure on me for another baby at the moment. He is a lot older than me and wants another baby before his 40. The problem is if I can barely cope with one relatively good baby now will I cope with another one and a toddler? At the moment I don't even want another baby, i'm content with my son but DH to be is desperate for another one.

The problem is DH to be did nothing to help me with DS. He is a teacher and had 6 weeks off just after DS was born but he slept in every day and never did a night shift and used to throw a tantrum every time DS woke him up. I can't have another baby if he is not going to support me and although he says he will I don't trust him. He's only just showing an interest in DS now 9 months later.

He dragged me to the doctor last week to discuss getting pregnant and the doctor insisted that if I did have another baby I would have to have an elective c-sction and stay in hospital which is a big no no for me unless it was necessary of course.

Feeling like nobody cares about what I want or how I feel at the moment. Sorry to ramble on.

Going to try putting DS in his cot again now.

Oh he's screaming again. Go to sleep!

hi everyone - can you tell i'm 'in between jobs' at the moment! i actually have some time to write rather than just read through every couple of weeks. my new job starts the week after next so i may be lurking around a bit more - it's nice to be back...

how are you feeling today becky? has the blip passed over now? it sounds like you are certainly on the way through it from your last post.

holly sorry to hear you're having such a nightmare with your DS's naps. how old is he? does he maybe not need the morning nap now and just one long one at lunchtime instead? don't underestimate how stressful it is trying to sort of daytime sleep issues with babies. i always maintain that being a stay at home mum (even a part time stay at home mum) is harder work than working full time. so give yourself a break and if you can, try to put your discussions on a second baby on hold until you've sorted DS's naps. you'll perhaps feel a bit more open to the thought once you've all had some sleep. (although that said, i've got a three and a half year gap as there was no way i could have gone through it all again but that's just me)

Hi countrylover DS is not quite 9 months which everyone tells me is too early to be dropping the morning nap but he doesn't seem to want it so maybe he doesn't need it anymore.

I think you're right about putting baby talk on hold. DS is not even 9 months and I don't understand why DH to be can't wait a bit. We're getting married in August and i'm not getting pregnant before my wedding. I want to get drunk and wear a nice frock!

I need to stop stressing about DS, he'll sort himself out and touch wood he is going through the night still so it could be worse.

Thank you for being positive and cheering me up!

Holly what time does he have his am nap? DS3 moved his morning nap from 9.30amish to about 11amish at about this age, and then had a tiny catch-up nap at about 4pm.

It is very hard for you at the moment, 9 month old DS, moving house, wedding coming up. All that equals quite a lot of stress! And your DH talking about another baby. It has to happen if and when you are both happy about having another one. And don't worry too much about being able to cope with another - look at me with my three! I never thought I'd be any good at having one never mind two, and certainly never mind three!!!!

Hi Becky i'm so sorry I didn't reply to your other post. I was a bit stressed and completely forgot to reply to you. We're moving to Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire which is only 10 miles from where we are now. We currently live in a village clled Calvert which is so isolated it doesn't even have a church!

You're right no wonder i'm a bit stressed I have got a lot going on. DS was having his am nap at about 10/10:30 (approx 3hrs from when he woke up) but he is now getting harder and harder to settle, today he didn't go to sleep until 11:20. I'm wondering if I try giving him lunch early at 11:30 and then try putting him down after it and hope that he has a nice long nap with a possible small nap later. Did you give DS3 lunch before or after his nap?

I think you've done really well to cope with 3 children. You've probably already told me but how old are they? The one thing that scares me is that I don't think i'd cope id I lost another baby and i'm also scared that I might have twins. Don't get me wrong twins would be amazing but i'm not sure how i'd cope. I've told DH to be that I will think about more babies after our wedding.

Anyway enough about me, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you!! :)

DS1 is 7, DS2 is just 5, and DS3 is 16 months. Of course you are going to be scared about loosing another baby. I think once you've been through something like that it makes the whole baby-making process so much more emotional. I think with this baby-making lark you have to go with your gut feeling and if your gut feeling is saying 'I'm not ready yet' then you should stick by that until it feels ready.

I had a late night last night - DH and I went to his parents' house for dinner as his brother and partner were there for the evening (to tell us the latest news on his brother's MRI scan - he had suspected multiple scelorsis and now he definitely does have it although at the moment it doesn't affect him much at all and with treatment it might continue at the same level). So a sombre evening in some ways but also we did have a good time, it was quite nice to be just me and not me plus three boys. It doesn't happen very often.

Hi Becky I know what you mean about it being nice when its just you and not you plus the kids. I've only ever been away from DS for one evening and for one afternoon. The problem is I am now quite protective and don't like the idea of anyone else looking after him. I was just about ready to take the plung and start leaving him with a friend for a bit and then our routine went a bit manic. We've had an OK weekend and he has been back to napping in the mornings at about 10:30 ish with a bit less fuss but our bedtime last night was awful. In the end we had to leave him to cry for a bit but he went off to sleep in less than 5 mins, still found it horrible though!
Your DS's sound lovely. Do they get on? If I have another baby i'd love another boy so DS has a brother. Don't get me wrong i'd love a girl too but I would be more confident having a boy.

I think you're right about following my gut with the baby making thing. I've told DH to be we'll discuss it after the honeymoon. I'm sorry to hear about your brother in law. I really hope his treatment works and he wont be affected too badly. Dh to be and I are not getting on very well anyway at the moment so baby making is a big no no for the time being.

Got very depressed yesterday as DH to be completely ignored the fact it was mothers day. I got no card, nothing, not even breakfast or a lie in. I then had to go round to his mother's house and give her flowers and cards from him. Even she didn't wish me a happy mothers day but we don't get on very well so i'm not surprised. I then had to endure her taking DS off me (she will actually pull him out of my arms which upsets him) and basically wasn't allowed near him for 3 hours apart from when he needed his nappy changed. Poor kid didn't even get his afternoon bottle.
Then we went to tesco and I had to walk past all the lovely flowers and cards and still DH to be said nothing.

Was very upset when I got home and had a huge row which ended with him telling me that i'm not doing enough round the house and its my job as i'm at home all day. Great.

Don't get me wrong I was expecting a present but after wanting to be a mummy for so long I was really looking forward to mothers day and would've loved a card with a hand print or some nice words inside it.

Hope everyone else had a better day

Sorry I meant to say "I wasn't expecting a present". I probably sound really un-reasonable now.

holly I am so sorry your DH-to-be was so insensitive re. mothers day I don't think you are being unreasonable to want a card and maybe some flowers too. And your MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work You poor thing. Your DH-to-be needs to try and experience what it's like to look after a very young baby at home all day, and see how he gets on with making the place look spick and span I am angry for you, really I am. Especially with everything you have been through. You need care and understanding, not criticism. I am so so sorry you are feeling so sad. All I can say is to try and reassure you that it will get better. I think it would be sensible to tell your DH-to-be how upset you were that you ignored the fact that YOU are a mother and he didn't see fit to acknowledge that at all on mothers day. Not to cause another row, but just to get it "out there" in a calm and controlled way so that it doesn't seethe within you and cause more resentment. HUGS.

Ladies I have been away for the weekened - facing my fear of insomnia! Shared a dorm with 3 other ladies. I didn't get off to a great start sleep-wise as I had a terrible night thursday night (at home) the night before so started off knackered. The friday night was just AWFUL. Hardly got any sleep at all. It was such a battle to not panic. But amazingly I survived the saturday ok - talking and activities all day. I think it helped to be busy so I didn't mope. Then the saturday night I took a mirtazapine tablet and slept better but still not great. I was feeling a bit scared because I was so worried about the baby, but had mw appt this morning and heard the heartbeat which was very reassuring.

Last night back in my own bed I had the most blissful, full night's sleep! It was wonderful! So feeling much refreshed. And actually really glad I went on the weekend away as it was a really good time away and I am NOT going to let insomnia stop me from doing things like this and ruling my life.

Hope the rest of you are all ok xxx

Hi Getdown,

Thank you for your support about mother's day. I was a bit worried that I was ranting about nothing but I feel better knowing that you think Dh to be was insensitive. I tried to explain that as I have been feeling a bit useless and worthless it would've been nice to have had a card so that I felt a bit less useless and worthless. He then turned around and said that I was being really difficult to live with at the moment and he's getting "fed up" with me. If i'm honest i'm getting a bit fed up with him too but I do love him. He knew he'd been horrible though and apologised to me later yesterday evening which is something I guess.

Well done for going away and facing your fears. I can never sleep when i'm away and I always take a sleeping pill with me but it sounds like you did really well. Good for you not letting insomnia stop you from doing all the things you want to do.

Great news about the baby's heartbeat too. I used to love hearing DS's. Are you going to find out what you're having? I think i'd like it to be a surprise if I have another one but I was too excited with DS that I had managed to get that far. I just wanted to know what I was having so I could shop for the nursery but then ended up buying yellow and cream and NOT blue, silly Holly. Still if I ever have another one at least i've got all the unisex stuff.

I think DS might have learnt how to crawl backwards. Left him on his back under his baby gym while I did some washing up. Could hear him laughing so knew he was OK. Came back in 5 mins later and found him on his front and about 5 feet away from the baby but in a backwards direction if you know what I mean. Agghh time to baby proof the house!

Lovely news about hearing the heartbeat .

Sorry for all the blips floating around . Im terrible when blips hit so not much useful advice - the only thing I try and repeat over and over is 'this too will pass' x

GetDown you survived your weekend away (hard to sleep in a room with other people and in a strange bed and with all the excitement of being away) and you coped really well with the lack of sleep it sounds like! Glad you feel refreshed after a good night's sleep and hearing the little heart beat :)

Holly sorry you had a hard mother's day. If it helps, not sure it does, most of my friends here had rotten mother's days thanks to insensative DHs or DHs who were at work on Sunday. One friend, who is a single mum to four, said she spent the day in tears. Bless her. I felt so bad because my DH, he does have many faults as we all do, but he does make a big effort on mother's day.

I'm sooo tired. I've been working so hard and DH is in Leeds overnight. He's working so hard and he might even be promoted soon to 'global head of IT' or something, which in theory is nice and everything but 'global' to me implies that we will never see him! We fell out last night because I can't be excited about this possible promotion. Selfish I know but I don't want to be a single parent most of the time, it's bad enough as it is right now :(