Insomnia friends; bye bye 2010 the year of bad sleep, hello 2011 the year of good sleep!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

How about this then everyone?

Oh becky! I'm so sorry to hear you've had another bad night... maybe it is the pill. Sounds like you've spotted a bit of a pattern. Which one do you take? There are loads of different ones, could you ask the GP and see if you can try a different one? I was on the mini-pill for a while, and you take that everyday so you don't have a week's break once a month. Maybe that would work better for you?

So sorry you are feeling anxious and weepy. This is just because you are tired, not because there is anything "wrong" with you. Everyone feels like this after a bad night.

I am around today, will check on you and try and cheer you up!

Hi Becky - tired and weepy here too so let's buck each other up.

sounds like a good idea to go to the doc and discuss other options.

Getdown is right, there is nothing wrong with you!

Madmouse hug to you for being tired and weepy too xx

I've just heard about the earthquake in Japan, I lived north of Tokyo for two years, awful (we used to have little earth tremmers every two weeks or so - in fact I used to get a bit fed up when they would wake me up at 3am!). The tsunamis are very scary. Those poor people.

Surgeon's secretary rang - ds is going to have Botox injections in his arm on 8 April. Despite having seen him unconscious for a week in NICU the thought of a GA is very scary. What if it triggers the epilepsy he is meant to have but doesn't - or something else bad happens.

And dh's placement in the other city has been extended until he finds his next job - sometime between summer and winter - which means living in limbo being half a part of two communities for me for the foreseeable future. Triggering old feelings of helplessness, not being noticed and not mattering. Fighting it, well trying to.

Oh madmouse. That's a lot to cope with all at once. There's just too much stress about at the moment (for you and me).

GetDown lovely news about your baby. I'm really pleased for you:)

Becky and madmouse sorry you're both under a lot of stress at the moment. Becky I'm sure it's a hormone problem. Hope you can sort something out that works for you.

I've had to go back up to 75mg dosulepin as have had a lot of stress and worry recently and have been having some really low days. I haven't yet spoken to my doctor about it as she seems so busy and I have such a lot to talk about I feel I would take up too much time. madmouse I know exactly what you mean by feeling not noticed. I feel invisible and like I'm in a bubble:( I thought I was getting better. I've been on my increased dose for two weeks now so the effects probably haven't kicked in yet. I'm trying to hang on but it's hard. I wake up in the morning with a sinking feeling.

It's nearly spring so perhaps that might help. I hope so. Sorry for going on but I feel very alone.

orangeflutie sorry it's so hard for you - hope they kick in soon.

The not being noticed is a very old feeling related to being sexually abused outside the family, being unable to tell mum and dad and them not noticing anything

It jumps back up in certain situations

Getdown Hooray! Congratulations! Really happy for you.

Becky Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, sounds like it might be the pill to me.

madmouse Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time too. I'm sure DS will be fine but I know i'd be worried too if it were my DS. You do matter to everyone even if it doesn't feel like it. I'd have been lost without you and everyone else. I was sexual abused too (but within the family, my dad) between the ages of 11 and 13. I finally had the courage to take the monster to court when I was 17. He was found gulity but was allowed bail before sentencing to get his affairs in order and he did a runner. Still have no idea where he is. I know part of my anxiety is that he's going to come back and hurt DS. I too couldn't tell my mum and she never noticed which was hard for me as it was my dad that was doing it. Really thinking of you and am sending lots of love.

orangeflutie Hope you feel a bit better soon, i'm sure they'll start working in the next few days.

I spoke too soon about sleeping well. Have now had 2 bad nights. My gran had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer too. I'm going to move in with her so she can die at home. Feeling bit down. Will take a sleeping tablet tonight I think.

Lots of Love and PSTs to everyone.

Holly how sad about your Gran and how amazing that you are doing that for her.

You did not speak to soon, your bad nights are in response to normal triggers, it is normal to lose some sleep over this situation. People without fragile sleep would also lose some sleep over this.

Thanks for your sympathy - it means a lot. I keep having thoughts of needing to disappear at least for a time. I know I can't but it's so tempting.

Becky how was your day x

Madmouse I know what you mean about wanting to disappear. When I went to the doctor last week he asked me if I had a plan (about killing myself). I said no but in truth I did think it would be better if I wasn't around. But then I think of DS and I know he needs me. Its very hard for people to understand what you and I have been through and how it can affect us. People tell me to move on and thats its in the past and I should just get on with my life but sometimes it can be really hard. My dad had so much control over me, he made me feel so worthless and sometimes its hard not to feel like that again. I also get very annoyed because sometimes my mum acts like she was the one who was hurt the most by him and I feel like screaming because although he was a git to her he didn't hurt her like he hurt me. DH to be is very calm and copes really well with my anxiety and issues but even he drives me mad sometimes when I think he's being un-understanding but deep down he has no idea how I feel because he never went throught it (thank good ness, I wouldn't wish it on anyone). I was trying to explain my feelings to the doctor but he just wants me to talk to a therapist. I don't know about you but i've had loads of therapy and i'm fed up with talking about it to someone who really doesn't get it. I actually leave the sessions more frustrated than before I went in. I'm so sorry that you suffered sexual abuse and are still suffering as a result. I'm kind of happy that i'm not the only one but I know that's a really horrible thing to say because I hate the fact that you've had this happen to you.

I'm trying to stay positive about the sleep. I did the same thing for my grandad when he was dying of cancer and got too ill for gran to look after him. They built their house by themselves when they were 19 year old newly weds, I can't let her die in the hospital, it wouldn't be right. I want her to die in her own bed in her own home, hopefully with her cats asleep on her feet. I also want to make sure she gets to spend as much time as she can with DS. Really saddens me that he'll never know or remember her but at least she'll get to spend some quality time with him.

Oh no! I've just realised i'll have to take her cats in too. That means i'm going to have 4 cats soon. Good job DS loves cats!

Hi there you guys, my day was fine. It really helps that the DSs keep me busy and they are so lovely (if infuriating when they, especially DS2, dawdles over everything!) and they did not like my Spanish omlette with potatoes and carrots for tea. Hmm. Not the best idea I've ever had. They're all tucked up in bed now and I'm watching the Shopaholic film which I bought in Asda for £5 knowing that DH would hate it!

I do miss him a lot, but hey ho.

Madmouse hope you had an okish day too. Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Holly I agree with madmouse - it is no wonder your sleep is affected. Be kind to yourself.

Orangeflutie

NIGHT 1 WITHOUT DH: slept really well! I did have a nice glass of wine with my tea (just one though, more than that and I can't sleep). I feel so pleased I slept well as I was worried about the first night, esp as I have some friends due over tonight for a take away.

How is everyone else today?

well done Becky

I'm in a better mood today. Thank you everyone for your support:) Will write more later. It's a bit difficult at the moment as I have to go to the library to use the computer.

Hope you all have a good day x

Hi everyone,

I'm really sorry but i'm having huge emoitional meltdown and just need to get evrything off my chest.

Been over to Gran's today to talk to the doctor and get the house ready for DS and I to move in in a few weeks time. Doctor very negative, gran not got a lot of time.

Then took her shopping and was stuck in Asda for 3 hours. DS was amazing! Smiled and gurgled at everyone and didn't moan once. We didn't get back until 3:30 and he had not had his 2pm bottle but he still made no fuss. Finally managed to feed him and put him down for a sleep.

Then had to trim gran's cats claws as she'd clawed gran and the cut had got infected so gran now has antibiotics. Cat clawed me too! It really hurts.

Then every neighbour came round to see DS. This was fine but was a bit difficult considering gran and I had just been told she only had months to live. It also meant I was late leaving hers and didn't get home till 7:30pm nearly an hour past DS's bedtime.

Started DS's bedtime routine and he was fine but he has refused his bedtime bottle and has gone to bad with no milk ! I know he's going to wake up in the middle of the night and i'm panicking because I have no idea what to do. Do I feed him when he wakes up or will this cause him to keep waking at that time every night. I can't leave him to cry if I know he's hungry. Oh !

DH to be is so mad at me. He says its all my fault for being late and that i've ruined DS's routine. How was I supposed to leave my gran any earlier? I feel like i'm being pulled apart. Aggghhhh! DH to be now moaning about his dinner, I am so close to walking out!

I'm so sorry to moan, i'm just really struggling. I'm so worried about DS. How could he refuse his bottle? He's always hungry. I know he's not ill because he's eaten like a horse all day and he's been really happy but he always has a bedtime bottle. I should've kept him up and made him have it but he was getting so upset and just wanted sleep so I gave in and let him go to bed without it. I am such a bad mother. What kind of mum lets their baby go to sleep without being fed properly?

I feel so sick with worry I can't eat now. I know i'll need a sleeping tablet to sleep tonight, i'll never manage without one but I can't take one because then I wont hear DS when he needs me and he will need me because he'll be really hungry in the night.

Going to have wine and try to pull myself together.

Well done for coping so well without DH Becky.

becky Just want to say I like your spanish omlette idea.

Let's start by calming down. There is no way you ruin your ds's routine by one bottle at a different time. If he has missed two bottles and wakes in the night just feed hin, he will need it. Then go back to sleep, tomorrow is a new day.

Routine is not set in stone anyway, it's a fluid thing that changes over time as he grows.

And breathe x

Hi madmouse

I am trying to calm down, wine is helping, DH to be is not

Isn't it silly how something so small as DS not having his bottle has completely sent me into meltdown? I mean he didn't want it so why am I worrying? He has only missed one bottle as I gave him his 2pm one later. I know i'm flapping over nothing. Been so long since i've had to do a night feed I am now worrying about how to get the bottle ready. Duh Holly, just take up a carton and a bottle!

I am way too paranoid about DS's routine. I am trying to be more flexible.

Today has made me think that I might need to see the Doctor again and consider trying a different AD. The next few months are going to be really hard and if i'm fallign apart now what am I going to be like later?

Anyway enough about me. How are you madmouse? How is DS? Is his chicken pox any better?

Am breathing xxx

I'm calm-ish now, but started a thread earlier today as not coping.

Things peaceful now.

DS is long better and went back to nursery Friday and me back to school.

Hello everyone.

Madmouse glad you feel a bit better now, peaceful is good :)

So pleased your DS is better too (and eating - just seen FB).

Well last night I got to bed past midnight as my friends came over for a take away and I was seriously hinting 'get out of my house now!' at midnight by pratically falling asleep! I didn't think I'd sleep but I did, but for some reason today feel really rough - tired, sicky - almost 'hungover' even though I only had a couple of small glasses of wine.

Anyway, the DSs and I have had a lovely day. We've just played, watched Ice Age 2, been shopping, and just been. It's been nice. Shhh don't tell DH but I've actually quite enjoyed having one less person to have to feed, tidy up after, etc. Oh no that's terrible! We're looking forward to him coming home tomorrow night. And, I can watch the whole of DAncing on Ice tonight (DH hates it). Yeah!

Holly so sorry you had a bit of a meltdown. When DS1 was about 10 months I remember very well one night when he would not settle for anything. The MIL was at home and we tried everything, rocking, singing, leaving him for 5 mins, then cuddling, leaving, cuddling, etc. It took him over an hour to settle and by then I was in bits. I was a right state. I was terrified he'd have a terrible night (he didn't) and we'd have to feed him in the night to get him back to sleep and (catastrophising here - end up feeding him every night). That didn't happen. But your description reminded me so much of that one evening. The worst very rarely happens :) How did he sleep by the way?

Right, better go bath these three little monkeys. Byeee.

Becky he was eating fine again after his chickenpox but today everything was no, no, no.

he's been racing around like a loon all day showing no signs of being ill. I think it may be a way of asserting himself as he has suddenly come out in great big opinionated toddlerdom. But he's an underweight skinnyminx and this kind of stuff makes me so anxious.

He's eaten half a single portion pack of beans with cheese but that's it...

Madmouse he sounds like such a lovely little boy - I do hope to meet you both soon - we didn't manage it over half term but there's always Easter for a Brum meet up :)

Hi all,

DS slept straight through without the bottle and even had a lie in the next morning [shocked]. Was amazed. DH to be continued to be horrible all night and we went to bed not talking to each other. I needed 2 sleeping pills to get to sleep and felt awful. The next morning he was very nice to me and even gave me his credit card to treat myself at the garden centre! He also cooked dinner for my mum and I. So he made things up to me.

DS downed the whole bottle last night!

madmouse Don't worry he'll eat if he needs to. I know I panic if DS doesn't eat but he's always ok. He sometimes goes through phases of not eating. My friends toddler is bit skiny and hardly eats but he's happy and seems healthy.

Thank you for looking after me the other night!

Becky Thank you for telling me about DS1. Has made me feel a lot better.

I'm trying to decide what to do next about my sleep and possible depression. I feel a lot better since coming off the sertraline but my sleep has gone really down hill again. I take the sleeping pills for 2 nights (if I need them) and then I have 2 nights off. I'm not sleeping on the nights when I don't take the pills and this is making me very anxious as I can't keep taking the sleeping pills.
I do want to try a sedating AD but i'm very nervous after my last experience. I'm going to see how I get on this week and then i'll go to see the doctor on Friday.

My best friend lives in America and she has sent me some tryptophan tablets, maybe I should give them a go.

Hello all!

We were nearly dropping off page 1 of MH and I thought "Nooooo, this cannot be!" So am bumping us....

Hope you are all ok?

I seem to be sleeping like a log lately (hoping not to jinx it!) So tired by 9:30pm.

How are you doing now holly - hope you are calmer.

Hi Getdown i'm sleeping a bit better too but also don't want to jinx it! I remember being in bed by 9pm when pregnant with DS, I was constantly sleepy! How is the bump? You might start feeling some flutterings soon.

I have been trying the tryptophan that my friend sent me and I have to say I think it might be helping. I've taken it for 3 nights and have felt wonderfully drowsy afterwards, not that drugged feeling but a real sleepy feeling. I've been managing to get to sleep on my own and if I wake i've been feeling calm and have been able to get back off to sleep again. The first 2 nights I woke about 3 times in the night but I just drifted off again after checking the clock (just to make sure it wasn't getting up time) without feeling any sense of panic. Last night was my best night so far as I only remember waking once and thinking that I needed the loo and the next thing I knew the alarm was going off!

Think DS might be teething though