Insomnia friends; bye bye 2010 the year of bad sleep, hello 2011 the year of good sleep!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

How about this then everyone?

Bless you Kizzie thanks for asking. I'm ok thanks - getting there now. Had to be shaken out of denial by my friends and dh and do a bit of grieving and dealing with things but it's all calmed down now.

I hope getdown is ok - will find her on facebook if she doesn't turn up soon xx

How are you Kizzie?

And Becky, Holly, orangeflutie...hope you're all sleeping so well that you're not posting x

hello madmouse and kizzie. Glad you are getting through this madmouse and staying strong x

I am sleeping better. I did do something very, very naughty today though (you might have seen on facebook). I sat in bed this morning with my laptop doing some work before the hoards of children we had in the house (three DSs and DS1's friend) woke up. I felt so guilty! I could almost see Paul McKenna tutting and shaking his head at me.

Hope GetDown posts soon. I've been thinking of her today hoping she's ok.

getdown you may simply be busy but please do not stay away because you're anxious again and you think you shouldn't/you're a bother etc etc (think I know you a little bit now).

If you're worried come and tell us, chat on facebook, text me anything xx

Thanks for asking after me ladies. I am ok, honestly. There has been no more bleeding, so am hoping it was nothing.

Anyway my main problem at the moment is being really frustrated with the antenatal care (of lack of) round here. I have just posted a massive rant in antenatal. I will copy it here.

Also DH is away so feeling a bit lonely.

Please would you indulge me in another fuming rant about how CRAP my antenatal services are?? Breathe, breathe, breathe.

ARRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh Just got off the phone I am so angry angry They are all bl**dy idiots. Bearing in mind I am nearly 11 weeks pregnant, and I have had NO CONTACT whatsoever from ANYONE.

I have to do ALL the chasing. No one actually cares at all.

I rang my surgery last week - "nothing to do with us, ring the hospital". So I rang the hospital. They don't deal with bookings at my local hospital. But she assured me she would pass it on.

So I wait ANOTHER WEEK. Still nothing.

So I ring them again today. Only have a switchboard number for the main hospital. Ask to be put through to local hospital where they do the scans. Wait and wait and wait. Finally someone answers. Then have to be put through AGAIN to antenatal bookings. It rings and rings and rings. Left it ringing for 5 WHOLE MINUTES. No one answers. Not even an answerphone

So I ring back the switchboard - "can I have the direct number for antenatal please as they are not picking up" - them: "no, because they don't have a number" WHAT?>???! They don't have a number? "No, you have to ring switchboard".

So I go through the whole process of being put through to different places 3 times AGAIN. Only for the phone to ring and ring again. Doesn't divert back to switchboard. I am so fuming.

Left it a bit, thinking "no give them the benefit of the doubt, it's lunchtime". Ring back half an hour later same story.

FINALLY get through to someone after repeating this process about 4 times. She has done me a letter - HURRAH I think! But - GET THIS - their letters are SENT OUT BY A VOLUNTEER, who isn't in today, so it won't go out today, and probably won't get to me till after the weekend a[angryu]

SO I say, can you give me the DATE of the appointment? Yes 4th March. Great I say, do I need a full bladder? "Oh no, this isn't your scan date" - WHAT?????? - this is your booking in date. If you want a scan you have to ring THIS number.......

So I have to ring yet ANOTHER number to try and get my scan booked.

She said :But you've probably missed the slot now for a nuchal scan angry as you are over 12 weeks. No, I'm not, I say, I am 11 weeks this weekend. "But according to your LMP you are nearly 13 weeks" - "But I have long cycles and I KNOW when I ov'd - I know my dates" - oh but we go by LMP - WHAT???!?!!!!!!!!! (as if ALL women in the world have 28 day cycles - idiots)

Eventually she said "ok if you want to go by what you think YOUR dates are that's up to you" Errr lady, I think I know my dates thanks So she gives me a scan date right at the END of the period you are allowed to have them for the nuchal scan. And the icing on the cake - it's not at my local hospital, it's at the big main one - the one I was trying to avoid going to in the first place.

Thank you I say. Do I get a letter confirming my scan date and where I am supposed to go? "Oh no we don't normally send out letters, why do you need a letter". (err, maybe because I need something in writing to confirm to me it's actually booked because you are all so flippin incompetent that I have absolutely NO confidence in you or any of your systems whatsoever)

Excuse me, am I being unreasonable here or IS THIS JUST CRAP????????????

getdown that's just

GetDown I am speechless

That's just total crap.

Glad you're ok though - I mean, except for fuming angry.

Hi everyone

I've had a quick read through and am just checking in really. I'm going to be offline for a bit so am going to my local library to use the computers there.

If you don't hear from me much this is why. I'm not sleeping too badly atm but am feeling quite low due to mainly problems at home. DH wasn't paid at the end of Jan and it looks like the company he's working for is going under. He's written the necessary letters to the company as he's received a payslip, but of course we will have to wait a while and may be lucky to receive any money at all if it collapses. It was all going so well at Christmas ...

GetDown so sorry to hear you're having so many problems with your hospital etc. I seem to remember mine being fairly useless too. They always thought I was further along than I was. So frustrating for you.

Hope everyone has a good night tonight x

Getdown how annoying . but glad all ok and youve got a date now.

madmouse - glad you have given yourself some time and space to think everything through x

Im doing ok (ish) . Managed ok while DH was away for 2 weeks. Bit pathetic really bearing in mind that im 40 but was quite pleased with myself. Still in the process of reducing my medication slightly because of side effects. Im going from 50mg down to 35mg where I'll stay for a good couple of months and then if all ok will go down to 25mgs and stay there for longer term. Ive done the drop from 50-35mg over 2 months - managed ok although odd dips in mood.

Have been feeling low last couple of days but difficult to say if its drop in medication or the weather (or just life in general! ). In the past Ive been very well on 25mg and below - so hopefully that will be the case again. Ive always been on smallish doses (a standard dose of this drug is between 75 and 150mg) but the problem seems to arise when I go down to zero.

Anyway - i think some of the low mood is just down to coping with 'real life' / getting older/ sometimes life is difficult (so things like parents not being as strong as they were etc etc) but I guess they are just things we all have to cope with and come to terms with.

Anyone got any tips with coping with 'lifeitis' . I guess its all tied up in the wider 'point of life' thoughts - madmouse does your faith help with those types of questions???

Sorry didnt mean this post to go on so long! x

Kizzie don't be so hard on yourself. I am nearly 40, I've lived in Amsterdam, Japan, travelled Europe with not much more than a rucksack and a sleeping bag, yet when DH goes away overnight now I hate it. I feel very proud of myself if I cope without him without any wobbles... It is hard. It sounds as if you are doing really well to me. Life does have its down times.

I don't have any tips really except to literally take each day as it comes and to make sure you notice the good things about each day: funny things the children say, the sun shining in the morning, the taste of that first cup of coffee, a piece of Terry's chocolate orange, sitting doing nothing except stroking the cat, the smell of DS3's hair, etc... One thing that really helped me was a post by madmouse ages ago about a barge trip she went on and how lovely it was and how at peace and happy she felt at that particular moment. It is very hard to be positive but it is just as hard to be negative I think sometimes.

Ah well. Better cook tea. DH is in London today so not back until late. He's working a lot at the moment. He's in London on Sat too and he'll be away for a couple of weekends too. Single parenthood is me at the moment.

Kizzie my faith means that I don't normally wonder about the point of life - Jesus is the centre of my life and the point of my life is to serve Him and the people I encounter, and after this life there will be eternity with Him. But faith does not make everything easy. There were times when in the middle of 'God where were you when I was being so badly abused as a child' it would have been easier not to believe. I learned to be angry with God, vent at Him and then bow to His grace and wisdom. Not all of that is easy to follow if you do not believe, I know.

But one thing I have learned over a life that has at many times not been easy and that is that true happiness comes in moments - like Becky says. And all you can do is savour them, like kissing sleeping ds before I go to bed, or going for a walk with my family and some friends with a simple meal after (that must be my favourite thing ever). And sometimes you need to create moments of happiness for yourself by doing something you really enjoy. Because you matter a lot.

Thank you both - I think you are both right about 'moments'. I need to slow down a bit and appreciate them (and create them.)

very interesting what you say about your faith madmouse. My best friend in RL has a very strong faith so its something we talk about a lot - the church is very central to her life. Whereas for me I do have a belief but it isnt as significant a part of my life.

Anyway - thank you both for replying to my ramblings x

kizzie sorry to hear you are struggling a bit, it's so hard to see your parents age. Well done for coping with DH away. My DH is also away, but only for two nights (back tomorrow) but I hate it too and can't wait for him to walk in that door. I feel physically tense when he is away and always "on duty" (slept worse last night as a result).

Like madmouse I have faith too, and I agree that believing does not make you immune to awful things happening in your life, or to the ordinary struggles that life brings generally. However, it does bring meaning and purpose out of those struggles I believe. For me, going through that awful time in hospital after DD, it was like going through the wilderness, but I can see looking back how God used it for good - and I've changed as a person because of that experience - in a good way. I can also help others who are going through similar things. So I believe that God doesn't bring about bad things, but he can use them for good. Also knowing that life is not pointless, but you can make a difference and you can work towards something that will last after you die, gives me a lot of reassurance.

I totally agree with the appreciating moments thing. That is also the core of the mindfulness technique I think.

Hello everyone!

Sorry I haven't posted. Its been a bit mad here as we're moving house soon and there is still lots to do.

Have now had 3 awful bedtimes in a row with DS which has resulted in an hour of screaming each nigth so I am very stressed and dreading tonight. He's not ill or teething so I have no idea what is going on. Seems to be fine once he goes to sleep.

I was doing OK but i'm now waking at 3am and am then just dozing until I have to get up but at least I am managing to get to sleep. Not sure if the tablets are working but my complexion seems a bit brighter, could just be my imagination.

Getdown I hade a very a very similar situation with my antenatal care with DS. I was 16 weeks before I was seen or had a scan. DS was my fourth pregnancy, my first 3 ending badly, so I thought they would get their acts together and look after me but they didn't. I spent ages on the phone trying to sort it out. In the end I actually fell in the snow and was rushed to my GP with pain in my tummy. When he read my history he was horrified and sent me for an emergency scan. But even when I arrived at the hospital they were all denying that I should be there. Finally I got seen and there was DS doing a hand stand! I have to say after that things improved until they decided that I was having a "huge" baby that "wont fit out of your pelvis". They wented to induce me at 35 weeks, then they wanted at c-section at 38 weeks both of which I refused. In the end they left me alone and I had DS completely naturally and he weight 7lb 5oz. Thank goodness I didn't induce at 35 weeks! I hope things get better for you soon. Sorry for my huge rant but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Hi kizzie I hate it when DH to be is away too.

Madmouse Really like your post about doing things you enjoy. I love going for walks with the family too.

Hello to Becky too!

Hi there holly sorry to hear you are a bit stressed out, I don't blame you - moving house is one of the most stressful experiences you can go through. I expect this is contributing to your poor sleep, as well as DS's screaming fits and everything else.

You poor thing, hang in there everything will settle down in the end. Just focus on getting through one day at a time. If you are too exhausted with the packing, could you afford to pay a removals firm to come in and do the packing for you? We did this in the end when we moved and it was so worth it, took a lot of the stress away (they did wrap absolutely EVERYTHING though, including individual bananas from our fruit bowl, and some unwashed up bowls from breakfast that morning !!)

Thanks for sharing your experience re. the antenatal bookings - it's SO frustrating isn't it? And it makes me so angry. I actually posted in "Am I Being Unreasonable" and someone from the same area as me replied and said she has had the same experience - and was actually told that it's because they have a shortage of midwives and they hope that some women will just not bother so they don't have so many appointments to deal with. I find that absolutely disgusting.

I am also horrified that you went through 3 previous MCs and they treated you so badly and wanting to induce you at 35 weeks???!?!? That is terrible. I also was told that DD was going to be a huge baby - in the end she was 6lbs 10oz. Hardly huge.

Thanks everyone for the reassurances re. not liking your DH's being away too x

Boo Holly! How are the side effects of the ADs now? Sorry to hear your DS is having trouble settling. We have had problems on and off with both DS1 and DS3. DS2 was your basic dream baby - slept through at 8 weeks old (we're talking 8pm-7am).

kizzie my DH is working this Saturday (he's going to London a lot at the moment and is needing to go down at weekend too) and even that is making me feel anxious.

Feeling really low today

Maybe it's just because I'm so tired. Was the wrong sort of tired last night and went to bed at midnight instead of something more sensible. Very restless night, not nice dreams and ds awake before 7.

I just want to curl up on the sofa and cry.

Oh madmouse big hug sweetie. Take it really easy today, today is just one day, make sure you go to bed at a reasonable time tonight and do something relaxing this evening, and tomorrow is another day xxx

How are you today madmouse?

I had a late night, didn't sleep well, trying to be positive today and follow what I said yesterday 'take it really easy, today is just one day...'

Off to town now to look for cat ears.

Hello everyone,

Sorry to hear you're feeling down madmouse i'm feeling low today too.

Feel a bit like nothing is getting better. If I take the sleeping pills then I sleep but i'm nervous to take them. If I don't take them I wake up at 2:43am (and it's always 2:43, why is that?! )and can't get back to sleep. Really hope the ADs help soon. One small positive is that I now can get to sleep on my own, I just wake up at 2:43!

DS constipated today so i'm convince we're going to have a bad night so i'm getting myself wound up already, deep breaths Holly, calm down.

getdown Your DD must have been tiny! I thought DS was small at 7lb 5oz. I really hope you get treated a lot better now.

Going to have wine now and try to chill out. DH to be back at work 2mo, feeling a bit nervous about being on my own with DS.

PSTs to everyone!
Hope everyone else is OK.

(sorry you have difficult days too madmouse and holly)

Difficult couple of days - yesterday particularly bad. think I mentioned that I have reduced my medication from the equivalent of 20mg of prozac/citalopram to 15mg because i needed to reduce the drw=owsiness I had when driving. (my journey to work is often 60 miles).

I did the drop over a few weeks but anxiety and depression have kicked in and Im worried about not stabilising again.

I know Ive just got to sit it out and hopefully it will pass. Ive been ok on this dose (and considerably lower) quite a lot in the past.

Its also been a reminder for me that there really is a fine line between me being ok and not ok.

Anyway sorry to moan - its just shaken me up quite a lot x

Hope you are feeling a bit brighter now madmouse.

I stupidly watched that film ?Changeling? on Saturday night it was so compelling I had to watch it all the way through so had quite a late night (11:45pm ish) and then because the film was quite disturbing I was lying awake thinking about it so didn?t have a great night! (silly me) Good film though. Can?t believe it was a true story, it?s totally shocking - also horrified by the mental institutions they had back in those days Am hoping it was ?Hollywood-ised? a bit and that is wasn?t really as bad as that in real life.

Last night I was just SOOO tired I fell asleep on the sofa at 9pm and then again in bed at 10pm, woke up a few times in the night but eventually was actually woken by the alarm, which virtually never happens (usually I am awake well before the alarm). Feel glad to have had a decent night?s sleep now.

Hope you had a better night last night becky?

holly it?s strange that you wake up at exactly the same time in the night. I went through a phase of doing that too, it?s amazing how accurate the body clock can be isn?t it. I?m sure the ADs will start kicking in soon, remember to give them at least 2 weeks ? and 6 weeks to reach full effect. I?m sure the dr. wouldn?t have given you more sleeping tablets than was safe so try not to worry. You need your sleep right now. If you are worried you could see how you get on with half a tablet one night?

Hope you are doing ok today alone with DS. Remember every one feels like this at first. It is daunting. Hope you enjoyed your wine last night. Mmmm wine. I miss wine Last time I had some was 7th Jan!

I am 11 weeks pregnant now! Got my booking appt at end of week. I went to a child?s birthday party on Saturday and someone came up to me and said casually ?when?s your due date?? I haven?t told ANYONE yet?!!! Was highly mortified! DH even said that I am starting to look pregnant too. Bit depressing as I don?t think it can be the baby yet, must just be a tubby tummy!

kizzie I am really sorry to hear you are struggling a bit. But remember that probably not all of it is down to the reduction. You will understandably be anxious at reducing your dose and you will also be scrutinising your mood to see if you are getting worse or not. I did this constantly when I was reducing my dose. And it has a knock-on effect in terms of making you feel low and panicky. Keep telling yourself you?ve been fine on this dose before and you will be again. Also focus on the positive effect i.e. not feeling as drowsy when driving. Hope you start to feel better soon. Remember madmouse?s advice of telling yourself something positive or enjoyable that has happened each day, even if it?s as simple as seeing some spring daffodils out, or feeling the sun on your face. xxx

GetDown second, third, etc babies always show much, much earlier before first babies. With DS1 I still had a flat-ish tummy at my 20 week scan. With DS3 you could tell at 8 weeks!

I slept really well last night :)

Becky whatever happened to Sundaynightitis??/

Big hug to you Kizzie - hang in there x

Holly you too - it will get better.

Getdown your fb status just made me smile - bet you didn't find it funny x

I'm not as bad as Saturday but something isn't right and I keep sleeping badly and dissociating a lot which often means something memory related wants out. Just means I'm spacing out a lot - I hope it doesn't look like I'm day dreaming at work!