Lost the bond

[WorstMumEver]

I don't feel bonded to my ds any more. I don't even think I like him. God that feels so awful to write in black and white but it's true.
Since he's been born it's just been one thing after another, colic, reflux, constant crying for 9 months. He'll smile for other people, he'll be calm when out with other people, it's just when he's with me that it happens.
I thought last night about killing myself, I'm not right for him, I can't do it. If I could get someone round to take him I would do it, then I wouldn't have to do this any more.
If I had pnd I'd know it would be ok, it would get better, but I bonded with him at birth, for months. So it's me, I'm a monster. I had no right to have a child when I can't even like him, let alone love him. He's sucked it all out of me with the crying, refusing to sleep, it never ends. It never gets better.
God I'm pathetic, I really am better off dead, he'd be better off without me. I'm the problem, he likes other people.
:( Oh fuck I don't want to be here any more.

Are you sure its not Pnd ? Lack of sleep does terrible things to you as well.

Do you have any family or friends near by that you can call ?

You are not a monster so many of us have been through this.

bump help please anyone ?

You are not a monster, if you were, you wouldn't be here writing it all down and feeling guilty about it, you just wouldn't care, which you obviously do. You have some sort of depression it sounds like to me (although no expert by any means, just a mum!). How old is your DS? It is incredibly hard coping with all those things, esp refusing to sleep and crying. I firmly believe that lack of sleep leads to these sorts of very negative feelings - the world is not a nice place on not enough sleep, esp night after night after night.

PS He would not be better off without you. He'd be devastated, and it'd be with him for the rest of his life. You're his mum.

He's 9mo, a bit late for pnd.
Only a monster would feel like this about their own baby, I hate myself for not being good enough. I even try to blame him, a baby. That is how awful I am.

It is not too late for PND. PND can strike anytime in the first year, I'm told. Did you breastfeed? Sometimes PND strikes when breastfeeding stops as the hormones go a bit crazy then.

You are not a monster at all. That is you trying to justify how you feel. You wouldn't be here talking about it if you were truly a monster.

By the way I was sat in this very chair telling DH that my children would be better off without me, that was 10 months ago, in January, I really truly believed that. I now know I was wrong and it wasn't the real me talking, and so glad that I stuck it out and got better. At the time it feels as if there is no way out, like being stuck in a horrible, awful hole with everyone else looking down at you. But things do get better. Don't rule out PND. You say you bonded with him at first, so surely if you were a 'monster' you would have had these feelings since day one?

I didn't know that about PND. I don't know what's wrong with me or him. Every waking moment for the past 9 months has revolved around him crying. He screams for hours. I've tried everything. I think I'll take him back to the Osteopath again, I can't afford it but I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what's normal, my mum said we would sit and look at things, we could be put down. We didn't scream like he does. His whole body goes stiff, he tries to throw himself about. I've got a permanent shake now, my hands shake the whole time, I can't hold a cup of tea. When he cries I get a pain in the back of my head.
It's worse then when he was a newborn, he sleeps less at night, only in the pram during the day. I've got no one around me, I spend all day walking with the pram, I don't speak to another human for days. I'm too scared to go to the baby groups, how can I make friends when I'm like this.
I shout at him then cry and want to hurt myself, I think he's better off without me. When I mention I'm finding it hard to my mum or his dad they say what's new? I never have any good news.
I just feel trapped in this never ending nightmare, I can't get out. It's not getting better, it's getting worse. Everyone's sick of me and I'm sick of myself.

9 months is certainly not too late for PND and it certainly sounds like you have it. PND is also not related to bonding although it can make bonding hard.

I can also guarantee you black on white on here that you have not lost the bond, it's just a bit hard to see, like trying to see the road when there's fog.

You would be surprised how much difference some support and some anti depressants can make. You eserve help, go and see your doctor or your health visitor.

[http://www.fresno.ucsf.edu/pediatrics/downloads/edinburghscale.pdf here]] is a questionnaire that is used to see if you have PND. See how you do, anything over ten but certainly over 13 needs looking at.

Don't struggle on your own thinking you're a monster when you are in fact genuinly not well

soory messed up the link there:

here

It said I scored 25, I guess everyone will say I should go to the doctor now.
I'm so scared though, what if they take him away from me? I know I don't want to live most of the time and think he'd be better off but if I lost him I really wouldn't have a reason to live.

I cant imagine anyone wanting to take your son off you because you are having problems coping with the constant crying- god anyone would, I know I'd be horribly stressed by that and the lack of sleep is horrendous. Please give yourself a break, what you are dealing with is so hard.

Definitely ask for help, you so deserve it. My heart goes out to you.

They won't take him away - the most important thing is making you better. There is a lot of help available and you obviously want help and you obviously care a lot. I wish you all the best but keep posting on mumsnet whenever you want, there are a lot of people here who have been through, are going through, similar things. My DS3 went to a cranial osteopath and it did help a lot. He is now 12 1/2 months and has his moments still... Motherhood is bloody hard.

how are you today? was thinking of you last night when my 4 week old wouldn't stop crying and I know I'd be demented after 9 months of that with no sleep.

would you consider asking the dr for some form of support? I had huge problems with depression during my pregnancy, I also felt like a monster as I often felt I didnt want my son and I still do sometimes when I have negative thoughts. I get support now from a cpn and a psychologist who come out to my house.

No one, even at my worst, ever mentioned anything to do with taking him away from me. You are not an abusive mother, you are someone who is quite understandably at the end of her tether. I have also felt serioously suicial and no one should have to live like that. are you on your own with him or do you have a partner around?

I hope you keep posting on here, it helped me a lot x

Just read about this and thought may possibly be of some use to you if you've not tried it already:
www.cry-sis.org.uk

Thank you Lela, I've made another appt for him with the osteo so hoping that will help with the crying.
I was going to make an appt with the doctor today but I panicked. A big part of me feels that I don't deserve help, even reading your response to this thread made me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like an imposter posting here, this is for people who are ill and I don't feel ill. I just feel like a monster. A failure as a mother, not even worthy of being called human. The thoughts I've had terrify me. I would never hurt him but I want to hurt myself.
I have rang cry-sis before but thanks :)
I think I've given up, I'm not going to do anything stupid as my son only has me, his dad left when he was a few weeks old (when the colic started) but I have given up on things ever getting better.

You must not give up. Of course you deserve help! My god, of course you do. And the fact that you are saying stuff like you are a monster, a failure and not worthy of being called human says to me that you are becoming very ill indeed and you must get help.

I honestly know what it is like to have thoughts that terrify you and I am certain that you are not the only person left alone with a screaming baby and no sleep to have awful thoughts.

Please dont feel guilty and believe me that you deserve help- you need to be well for your son if you can't do it for yourself right now. I can see why you feel like giving up it must be so incredibly draining.

Wouldn't it help just to speak to someone and admit how hard this is? You dont have to tell them every thought you have. They won't take your baby away because you are stressed, they might just try and find you some support.

You are NOT a bad person, just understandably at the end of your tether. Don't give up, you deserve better than this, honestly you do.

Worstmumever (can you please get a new nickname because you are not)

The things you are saying, the feeling such a bad mum, is your depression talking....that is why you need help

Please get some help - you and your little one deserve it.

I've just made a doctors appt for Friday. Terrified about it, don't want it all to just come tumbling out. But I know I have to do something, last night he cried most of the night and I was fantasising about slitting my wrists, calling my mum to say come and get him and then doing it before she got here. Couldn't stop thinking about it. But I've made the appt now.

Well done making the appointment - it's the hardest step. Please go and if you can take someone with you.

So glad you managed to do that, brilliant.

If you're worried about what to say, why not write it down before you go?

You had a bad night, you had awful thoughts, but you're still here, you're trying to help yourself and I really admire you.

Hang on in there and keep posting if it helps, i will listen.

Now that I've made it I wish it would hurry up and get here, Friday seems a long way away.
I can't take anyone with me, only ds. My mum is sick of hearing about me not coping, I just spoke to her and she laughed at me. Everyone thinks I should just get on with it. I do too.
I haven't done anything miraculous, I haven't done anything extraordinary, I've had a baby. People do it every day, most people do it, it's an ordinary thing. That's why it's so pathetic that I can't cope. I really am pathetic. When I look at the days and years ahead of me I feel sick, my ds stands no chance with me as a mum. When I think about it the room tilts.
God I hate myself, what business did I have bringing life into the world, I'm disgusting.

Oh god I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up, I've messed everything up. I know I just have to hang on til Friday, keep busy til then, but I feel like I'm wondering around in the dark.

I know you can't see it now, but that last post you wrote...well you could do worse than to take it with you on Friday - that is real depression talking, black sticky horrible stuff. It will tell your doctor ever such a lot.

I had thoughts like that when I was pregnant- i thought I would be a terrible mother and even thought I should kill myself after the baby was born so he didnt have to have me as a mother. My self esteem was non existent and I'm still struggling to get it back.

This is depression, please believe me. It can get better. You've had a shit time- having a baby is a massive thing, your partner has left you and your baby cries all the time and wont sleep. It sounds like you are having to cope all alone and thats when your head can really cave in, I know.

What are you doing today? I'm going to force myself out of the house later, is there anything you need or want to do to pass a bit of time?

Getting through until Friday is a very long time when you feel this way. I've been there, and I know the sheer desperation, and feel for you badly.

If it gets to the point where you simply can't wait, I would advise you call NHS Direct and take it from there. There should be some way to hurry things up. Please be aware that when you actually see the doctor, afterwards you may feel more desperate than ever - I did, because deep down I'd been telling myself all I had to do is make it to the appointment and things would be better thereafter. It takes longer than that, but I promise things WILL improve, however impossible it seems to you now. It's great you've taken the first step.

Your DS loves you, and needs you.

When I was at my worst, I had decided that if things weren't improving when my DS was 6 months old, I would kill myself as I was completely worthless. I truly believed he didn't need me and would be ashamed of me. I felt that I had to do it in the first few months of his life so he would be too little to remember me.

I was lucky to be assigned a wonderful hospital consultant. One thing he said penetrated through the black fog of depression and made me realise that there was a tiny piece of me that wanted to be with my son. I was panicking about the impact of anti-depressants during the later stages of pregnancy and breastfeeding, and saying all sorts of things about how it might negatively affect DS, and how he would hold it against me forever. The consultant kindly and gently explained that when my son was older, perhaps 18, I could sit down with him and have a good long chat about what happened and about how bad things really were at the time, and explain why I came to the decision I did.

It made me realise I wanted to see my son grow up.

Apart from your mum, is there anybody you can call to come round and be with you? Or even call you on the phone? I think that's very important. I hid myself away for weeks on end and it really made me a lot worse (too much time to think about things).

It won't be like this forever, it really won't. You have to believe that. Hang in there.