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Lost the bond

111 replies

WorstMumEver · 21/11/2010 10:02

I don't feel bonded to my ds any more. I don't even think I like him. God that feels so awful to write in black and white but it's true.
Since he's been born it's just been one thing after another, colic, reflux, constant crying for 9 months. He'll smile for other people, he'll be calm when out with other people, it's just when he's with me that it happens.
I thought last night about killing myself, I'm not right for him, I can't do it. If I could get someone round to take him I would do it, then I wouldn't have to do this any more.
If I had pnd I'd know it would be ok, it would get better, but I bonded with him at birth, for months. So it's me, I'm a monster. I had no right to have a child when I can't even like him, let alone love him. He's sucked it all out of me with the crying, refusing to sleep, it never ends. It never gets better.
God I'm pathetic, I really am better off dead, he'd be better off without me. I'm the problem, he likes other people.
:( Oh fuck I don't want to be here any more.

OP posts:
madmouse · 26/11/2010 20:18

Well done, I'm glad you don't have the kind of GP who doesn't thoughtlessly bung you on citalopram..

The week will be hard but it will pass. I vividly remember having to wait weeks between the initial counselling intake during which it was agreed that I needed urgent help, and the actual start months later - it was a day by day hour by hour thing but I survived.

You can do it, you have come so far and have struggled in silence for so ong you can carry on a bit longer!

madmouse · 26/11/2010 20:19

oops - double negative - glad your GP doesn't thoughtlessly bung you on citalopram

WorstMumEver · 27/11/2010 10:22

Thanks, I've been on citalopram before for anxiety, 40mg. So will have to try something else. Hopefully keeping busy today though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Bad night.

OP posts:
offmyrocker · 27/11/2010 17:38

Hope the day didn't drag too much. Mine did a bit...oh well.
I'm sorry for the bad night, I know those too well myself, but you're strong and we're here to listen and encourage. Thinking of you.

WorstMumEver · 28/11/2010 09:16

Sorry your not feeling too good either Rocker. Yesterday didn't go too badly, think today will be a challenge but I just have to keep telling myself it's Monday tomorrow and I might hear something.
It seems like time has slowed down though, everything takes forever. You look at the clock and it's the same time it was two hours ago. I can't seem to eat, nothing tastes right. I spend all day wishing the time away, wishing I wasn't here. And that's what everyone tells you not to do don't they, don't wish the time away but the days and nights are hellish. They're probably right though, what kind of mother am I? If I can't cope with a baby how will I cope with a toddler? Or a child? I'm such a failure. I wish today was over.

OP posts:
madmouse · 28/11/2010 09:21

WME you will cope with a toddler much much better than you do now because you will feel much better by then!

Apart from the fact that I personally find toddler much more fun and much easier than baby!

WorstMumEver · 28/11/2010 09:44

That's nice to hear madmouse, lots of people have said to me oh if you think a baby is hard wait til they're moving around. And it fills me with dread then, as it's so hard already.
I know logically he will start sleeping through the night at some point, eating and entertaining himself. But it really feels like this is never ending, nothings ever going to get better. He's always going to cry and be unhappy.
I just wish tomorrow would hurry up and get here. When I look at the future I feel sick, feels like I'm stuck in limbo. Still got all the thoughts about suicide and harming myself. Feel like my mind isn't my own. That doesn't even make sense.

OP posts:
Lotster · 28/11/2010 10:31

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. You and your little one have had a tough first year so far, and your self esteem has taken a beating.
You've had some good advice and support already here, but just wanted to add that I think your PND has kicked in late because at first you just had to pull it together and cope when your ex left, but the tiredness and stress of looking after a small baby is cumulative, and coping alone like you are, it builds up even more.

Ref. your mum's comment, they do have a selective memory about their parenting, something I was discussing with my sisters last night in fact.
If you're in a couple then those comments from others are soon forgotten as you discuss your own methods and appoach, but if not then they can linger and make you feel inadequate, even if it wasnt her intention.

I didn't take AD's personally and opted for counselling offered, and on advice of a complementary health advisor took High Strength Omega 3 fish oils. May sound daft at first, but they are proven to support the brain and help cope with stress and anxiety.
I'm prone to low mood at times and have found that alongside a good vitamin they keep the devil from the door at times.

I don't think my PND or previously diagnosed anxiety and depression was as far along as yours sounds, with the self harm thoughts, so perhaps you might consider taking them alongside AD's?

Your mood isn't the cause of all this though, your situation sounds hard, your baby is unsettled and therefore demanding more energy than you have, do keep trying at the docs/health visitors until your sure they have no more answers or help (It's easy to be fobbed off when you're low and in the frame of mind that everything must be your own fault).

I know this is not the time to want to make new friends, so if you can't yet bear at the mo to meet new mummy friends to widen your support circle, do draw on what you have. You deserve a break - if I didn't have my husband to pass the baton to and get regular breaks, I'm not sure I'd like my children either!

Keep on keeping on and be kind to yourself.

lelarose · 28/11/2010 11:15

I understand the fear of the future and suicidal thoughts- on a bad day I will freak myself out about my son's teenage years- he is 5 weeks old ffs. What works for me is forcing myself to take one day at a time. Everything is just for today. It also doesnt matter what other people tell you is the hardest part of child rearing as everyone finds it different. I was told the first 6 weeks were the hardest, which was really unhelful as my partner was away after the first 2 weeks and it made me so scared of being left alone with the baby.

I am on my own a lot with my son due to my partner working away for weeks at a time. I'm not in any way comparing that to being a single parent but I do understand the lonliness. I agree you need more contact with ppl in real life too, and keep posting on here if it helps.

Hope I dont sound like I'm going on about myself, just wanted you to know you're not alone as it helps me to know other people have felt like I do, even if they are in different situations.

You are no way a bad mother, you're just having a dificult time right now and we all understand that x

colditz · 28/11/2010 11:22

"I just want to apologise for wasting all of your time, you're trying to help me and all I can do is moan. I'm sorry."

I swear, I see this phrase so often on the mental health boards that it's a reliable diagnosic for depression!

You're poorly. Whatever is wrong with your son will be easier to deal with when you're not poorly any more. So get better - demand antidepressents from the doctor, you'd take antibiotics for a chest infection, wouldn't you?

You got a husband? he needs to take tme off work and deal with your ds for a week. You are poorly. not bad, not lazy, not evil, not wrong - you are poorly.

It's an illness I have suffered myself. I know that poisonous grey mist very well.

WorstMumEver · 28/11/2010 11:26

Lotster - I think you've hit the nail on the head with he wants more from me then I can give. :(
I'll ask the doctor about vitamins too.
Lelarose - Hearing you talk about yourself and getting through it helps a lot actually, last night when it a seemed never ending and I couldn't see how I could make it until today I came on here and just read the thread again. Other people have been through it and things have got better. I have to keep telling myself that as all my thoughts are about how ds would be better off without me.

I'll talk to the doctor about vitamins.
Now have to try and find something else to do, been out walking, ds is restless. I want to go back to bed but that's not going to happen. Can't believe it's only 11.30.

OP posts:
WorstMumEver · 28/11/2010 11:32

Husband left me when ds was a few weeks old. He comes round to see him but just hands him back to me when he cries as he's bf and says he's hungry. Most of the time he's not but he wont take him.

OP posts:
Lotster · 28/11/2010 11:40

This is the fish oil I'd recommend.

Sounds like your ex needs to step up. If he can bottle feed some EBM then he can start looking after him for short periods. You need this support.

Also, amazing of you to still be BF'ing through all this. Well done.

colditz · 28/11/2010 12:08

Fucking hell, no wonder you're miserable, WHAT A DICK your ex is!

colditz · 28/11/2010 12:09

I cannot believe you are going through all this on your own. You must be so strong because I'd have sunk by now.

WorstMumEver · 28/11/2010 12:25

Colditz your description of my ex actually made me :) for the first time in ages, thanks!
I will look in my local chemist for some omega 3 Lotster.

The dr said maybe I should stop bf but I think it helps in a lot of ways, lately I find it so hard to eat, nothing tastes right, but I have to because of the bf.
All this has been sneaking up on me, I've tried to hide it and pretend I'm alright but I can feel it all slipping. And amongst all the other thoughts I have about ds I know I'm all he's got so I need to get out of this. I really hope I hear from the dr early next week as the thoughts are getting worse and I scare myself :(

OP posts:
Lotster · 28/11/2010 12:50

Keep talking on here until you hear from doc to keep you going. I can imagine the extra hormones from bf'ing are amplifying your feelings tbh, but as you say, you're eating better because of it- double edged sword.

You'll pay more in chemist if you can find those ones, they're among the best. Cheaper online, but I'll stop pushing them now!! Wink

lelarose · 28/11/2010 13:01

still bf at 9 months when this stressed is remarkable, I'm so impressed by that.

I breast feed but sometimes give my boy a bottle last thing at night as I find it means he sleeps longer and gives me a chance to sleep a few hours. Health visitor says no problem- he still gets all the benefits of bf and it keeps me sane. I also use a dummy. I dont know if thats any help but works for me. (sorry if suggesting tthings you have already tried I know thats annoying)

And agree, your ex is being a dick who is totally copping out of fatherhood. You are actually incredibly strong to be getting through this situation, and I realy mean that x

lelarose · 28/11/2010 13:06

Hope it doesnt sound like I'm trying to give out advice about feeding etc when I'm only 5 weeks in and just stumbling along here and you've been at this for 9 months, obviously you know better than me!

madmouse · 28/11/2010 13:50

Lelarose I bf for a year and have supported others and I think you gave excellent advice there!

OP be wary of GPs saying you should stop bf, they understand little about bf, commonly believe that it is no longer 'necessary' after 6 months and think that bf cannot be combined with ADs - none of which is true!

At the moment you should only stop bf if you decide that that's the best thing to do for you and your lo - all else is likely to make you feel worse. I'm referring to you already worrying that you have lost the bond with your little ds.

nottirednow · 28/11/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WorstMumEver · 28/11/2010 15:36

Don't worry Lelarose, good advice :) Unfortunately ds started refusing a bottle and now wont take one and has never taken a dummy. he hv recommended stopping offering the dummy as this makes reflux worse.
Madmouse, that is the main reason I don't want to stop. There are lots of other reasons but I think it would drive a bigger gulf between us.
Nottired, he has an appt in January with a nutritionist as he has suspected cows milk intolerance. He no longer has any cows milk products in his diet. I am pressing on with weaning though it is difficult at the moment with teething, I can't tell what's upsetting him new foods or his teeth. I had hoped to see a nutritionist before Christmas as I don't think I know what I'm doing. I asked if the dr could do tests and he said they can't do anything until he's been seen at the hospital. Right now I'm just at a loss, is it the food? His teeth? Has he got a dairy intolerance? I don't know.
It's just been us all day, it seems like it will never end.

OP posts:
colditz · 28/11/2010 15:39

I know this may seem like a dumb question, but have you tried giving him a full (for his age) dose of calpol? It won't knock him out, but it will take away any pain he might have and allow him to get the sleep he needs.

superdragonmama · 28/11/2010 15:55

WME - that name is sooo wrong! - I've just read this thread, and want to say how sad I feel for you, and how much I hope things improve very soon. and to send you a very big huuuuuug.

I went through this with my first ds, had a very, very similar experience to you, had a very, very similar response, and totally understand your feelings: they are due to depression, and that's due to all the stress you're under - the reason you feel like this is NOT because you are a bad mother, or a bad person: your pnd has arisen for many reasons, and can be resolved. I found there was no magic wand to relieve my depression, but you've taken a HUGE step coming on here, talking to people here, then going to your doctor: you're keeping going. I know things will improve, they really will, it just takes a bit of time and support from others.

Shame your ds's idiot, selfish dad isn't one of those helping Angry

Taking one day at a time helped me enormously.

I was very struck by you saying you don't feel you can give your ds enough. Really, small babies don't need a lot: if you're still bf, amazing, and big congrats from me; your baby is having that physical closeness with you, as well as nourishment. He'll be fine - it's you who needs to put yourself first so you carry on for him. I used to feel consumed with guilt that I was terrible mother when my ds cried, and he seemed, like yours, to just always be crying. By 7, 8 months old I was in despair, wanted to do anything that would stop the crying, wanted to escape (permanently), felt like the worst mother in the world, got into a complete horrible head spin about everything, it was simply awful. I had never been so tired, ds didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a stretch day or night, and I felt like I was plummeting down like a stone.

My first solution was surprisingly simple: my lovely kind HV suggested co-sleeping. I read a book called Three in a Bed which gave me the confidence to do this, and within about 7-10 days ds had calmed down at night, cried less, I snoozed more - ds still didn't sleep through, but he was happier, and I gradually relaxed, and stopped being so utterly exhausted. I can honestly say this was a total life saver, especially saving my life, I can't recommend it enough when you've got a baby like this.

I also had counselling via my gp which helped me understand I wasn't the worst mother ever; that was another life saver for me. ( I can't take ad's for medical reasons).

Lots of small steps add up to a path through.

BTW, my ds is 20 now, sleeps through the night happily, is a fantastic young man, and was a fantastic kid once he got past those very early years. Well, he was always fantastic, but it's hard to see that when you're depressed and he keeps crying!

I hope you're getting through your weekend ok; sending you very warm wishes x x x

superdragonmama · 28/11/2010 16:12

Have you tried gripe water? Calpol? - oh, colditz has just recommended this too! Helped us lots in times of desperate need!

Trying to remember all the things I did to settle ds!

My ds wouldn't accept a bottle, and I seem to remember giving him drinks out of a feeder cup with a very slow release top on it. Another friend used a bottle with a very, very wide, very slow release teat on that claimed it was like proper breast feeding.

My eldest ds had colic, and was mostly bf, but when he drank from a normal bottle he seemed to suck too hard, and drink too fast, then got bad wind on the top of the infant colic thing. Hence the very slow release teats which meant he wasn't able to drink so fast.

I remember endless walking around with ds; I had a sling that tied him very close to my body (a blanket would do it), and carried him about everywhere - hoovering, cooking, walking - seemed to relieve his stomach pains a bit. Bloody hard work though.

As you say, you're at a loss to know what's causing the crying at the moment, and in fact, it's probably all those things: stomach aches, colic (from bad reaction to whatever foods he's intolerant too), teething, tiredness. . . . . aren't babies bloody hard work??!!!

Are you doing anything to give yourself a treat today? Anything, however simple or small, but something really nice for yourself?

Soooo important you have support for yourself, to give you the energy to support ds Smile