Lost the bond

[WorstMumEver]

I don't feel bonded to my ds any more. I don't even think I like him. God that feels so awful to write in black and white but it's true.
Since he's been born it's just been one thing after another, colic, reflux, constant crying for 9 months. He'll smile for other people, he'll be calm when out with other people, it's just when he's with me that it happens.
I thought last night about killing myself, I'm not right for him, I can't do it. If I could get someone round to take him I would do it, then I wouldn't have to do this any more.
If I had pnd I'd know it would be ok, it would get better, but I bonded with him at birth, for months. So it's me, I'm a monster. I had no right to have a child when I can't even like him, let alone love him. He's sucked it all out of me with the crying, refusing to sleep, it never ends. It never gets better.
God I'm pathetic, I really am better off dead, he'd be better off without me. I'm the problem, he likes other people.
:( Oh fuck I don't want to be here any more.

Thank you for all your messages. I'm going to try and get ds in to see the doctor before Friday as I need to know what's causing his distress. I've got an appt with the osteo today so am waiting on that. I'm trying to keep busy, not think about having to leave the house for the osteo. I feel so ashamed I don't want people to see me like this, but I have to go out so until then I'm trying not to think about it.
Kalypso what you said about thinking it will all end on Friday is right, even if I get anti-depressants that work they'll take time. I'm trying not to build it up too much in my mind. If I let myself think about it then the panic comes back, actually telling another human being how I feel face to face, I feel sick.
What you said about seeing your son grow up made me :( Your son is lucky to have you. I can't see myself in a years time, I can't imagine being here. It scares me.

Just spoke to the doctors, he's in tomorrow. I hope they can help.
Thoughts I keep having are that there is actually nothing wrong with my son, apart from me. That I'm the reason he's so distressed. I've tried everything, for colic, reflux, food intolerances and cows milk intolerance, everything, I must be the problem. It's my fault, it's being with me that's making him ill. He'd be better off without me. I do think that. There's still things I can try but once I have that'll be it. There won't be any other explanation, there will only be me left.
I don't think he likes me, I think he can tell what a horrible person I am, he cries because he doesn't want to be with me.
Perhaps I'm just medicalizing him because of my own sick head, when all he really wants is to get away from me. Some times I think he hates me.

I've just got to try and keep busy, I wish these thoughts would leave me alone and I wouldn't have to think any more. They just keep popping in my head and won't go away.

I believe that feeling like your child hates you and is better of without you is classic pnd- not that the label matters.

But it can get better- like I said I was suicidal, didn't think I could ever be a good enough mum to my son, and there is Kalypso saying the same.
So you're not alone in your feelings.

Friday wont be the solution in itself but you will know that you have taken a huge step forward in asking for help.

I'm going out now before my son starts screaming, but will check in later.

Good luck with the osteo.

Lelarose is right; you are not alone, and it will get better. I know you're thinking "But she doesn't really know or understand...she doesn't know the specifics". But try, if you can, to tell yourself that it really and truly is the illness/PND that is making you feel this way. Hard as it is, you will have to put your trust entirely in others (e.g. your GP, friends) as your own thoughts right now will try to convince you otherwise.

When I mentioned the glimmer of light in wanting to see my son grow up, I should have emphasised that this was after several weeks of treatment. Certainly at my worst I was adamant I was better off dead. So please don't think that all 'good' mothers somehow always manage to see the light at the end of the tunnel, however bad things are. I didn't.

The final thing is that if you find the thought of telling somebody how you're feeling makes you panic, write it down. Your GP will be quite happy to read through something if you find it difficult to talk about.

Oh, and lastly, with your son, I am sure the crying thing will resolve, but it's good you're seeking reassurance for this. You and your son are a team - you will work through this together. When you come through on the other side, you can pat each other on the back :) You're going to be okay.

I don't believe for one minute that you are causing your son's distress. But 9 months is prime teething time and he may be a bad teether, or he's frustrated about something or other that he wants to achieve but can't manage yet...

Struggling mom (not worstevermum) PLEASE PLEASE believe what posters are saying on here. I am far too old to have PND but I have had 2 severe episodes of depression (both needing hospitalisation) and am just trying to recover from the latest episode.

The things you are saying are exactly what I was saying, felt ashamed, couldn't bear the thought of anyone seeing me like this, that I was useless/worthless to my grand children. These are symptoms of depression, just the same as a sore throat, headache and sore throat are symptons of a feverish cold.

Did you say that your P had left you after the baby was born.........if so that in itself is enough to cause depression, and your mom sounds rather insensitive and clearly does not realise that you are ill.

Depression is a very deceitful illness because it makes you feel you are to blame and people would be better off without you whereas you don't feel like that with a physical illness. In addition you are struggling with a baby who doesn't sleep and that can be very wearing.

Remember: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I think everyone on this thread recognises that you are very depressed and anxious and you need help NOW. Anti-depressants work very well though sometimes you have to try a couple of different sorts as they work differently on everyone. You also need help from a Health Visitor and probably a CPN. There IS help out there and you need it.

At the moment you are like someone who has broken their leg but is trying to climb up a hill every day! Can't be done.

Please listen to people on here and STOP thinking you are no good for your baby - I know it feels like that now, but that is a symptom of your depression and you will recover, though no-one can give you a timetable for recovery.

Don't forget that telling the GP how you feel (and you must do that, even if you cry a lot in the surgery) you will not be telling him/her anything that they haven't heard hundreds of times before. But you must tell the GP the truth about how you feel. PLEASE.

I read your posts and cried.
I too had and still have days when I feel so alone and that I can't deal with being a mum anymore.

My daughter is nearly three months and suffers from reflux and it sounds to me that your son's got it too. Is he on any meds? Constant crying is a symptom that he's possibly in some major discomfort. My daughter's on Zantac and domperidone, it's taken a good 6 weeks for things to improve, but she cries a lot less and although nights are still hard they're improving little by little. And the knock on effect is that I now am more calm and coping better, however, the sleep deprivation is I think about the worst part of being a mother and without proper sleep life can seem a very bleak place indeed.
Keep writing and getting everything out, mumsnet is a real lifeline, I know it's kept me sane in some very dark moments.
Being a mum's a bloody hard job, and what can really upset me is that in RL other mums can be incredibly brutal, for example my mother was not a great help either and neither was my sister who suffered PND and who I imagined would have been a support for me during my worst moments, instead they seemed almost annoyed that I was finding motherhood so difficult, and many of my female friends seem to have disappeared since I had my daughter - why? God only knows.

Thank you for all your messages, can't believe so many people have gone through something similar. I didn't get back online after the osteo yesterday as I was just too tired to do anything. It seemed to go well though, she got lots done and didn't say I needed to go back. Still had no sleep last night though, he was up most of the night again. Not sleeping more then hourly.
Got a doctors appt for him today, this has been going on since birth I need help. I'll have to be assertive this time, dreading it, usually I just get fobbed off and go along with it.
Rocker, that's what everyone thinks about me too, why can't she just get on with it? All my female friends have disappeared, I don't see anyone for weeks and when I do they get sick of the crying and leave. I don't even tell people how bad it is, I pretend every thing's fine so I don't put them off, but they've disappeared anyway.
I thought when I became a mum I would make friends not lose them, I've found it so isolating, it's just him and me all the time, at home, out walking, it's such a relief to talk to other people, even online. I feel so trapped most of the time.

I'm still digesting all your posts, everything seems grey in my head today, it's taking a while penetrate but thank you.

My pnd wasnt diagnosed till 9 months after my ds was born..I just thought it was normal to feel like that but oh no...get to the GP or health visitor and be truely honst about how you feel..its nothing to feel ashamed about..they wont take your baby or look at you differently..they will help you. I went on AD and my life changed in 3 weeks..went back to the old me..twas fabby..stayed on them for a year or just less and now after another DS im fab..never needed them 2nd time round..trust me its prob PND..get yourself checked out before you or your baby sufferes more...He needs his mum to be happy x

How are you doing today WME? (I agree with the previous person who posted asking you to please change your name, as it's not accurate in the slightest!) How did the appointment with the doctor go?

Regarding not getting out and making friends, I was housebound for about three months (spanning a period that started about three weeks before the birth). It DID get better, but only when the treatment for my depression started kicking in. Before that time, there was no way I would even contemplate leaving the house. I cut myself off from everybody, and pretty much spent the entire day rocking back and forth staring vacantly at the TV with my DS on my lap. My best friend had to talk to my husband because I wouldn't speak to her. I wouldn't even allow my mum to come and visit me: I felt like such a disgusting person that I wanted her to remember me how I 'was before'.

Your friends may feel helpless and worry that you don't want them around, and that could be why they have distanced themselves for the time-being. They may not understand that even though you're crying, you'd rather be crying with them than crying alone. It will be obvious to them that everything is definitely NOT fine, so when you tell them you're okay, they may think you would prefer them not to bother you at the moment. In my case, I didn't feel up to facing my friends, so they were trying to act in my best interests when they withdrew a little and only checked in occasionally. So please don't assume they don't want to be around you anymore - they may just feel utterly helpless. Can you confide how you really and truly are to any of them?

It's great you are at least getting out and walking - that's fantastic. Are there any one o clock centres near where you live? I manage to haul myself to a couple every so often, and DS seems to enjoy it (I usually feel better afterwards for having been, but it takes a lot of effort for me to actually get out). You don't have to make conversation with other parents if you don't want to.

If the thought of that is too stressful (which I would completely understand), I would really recommend visiting the child section of your local library. This is my favourite place at the moment - it's relaxed and there's no need to interact with the other parents if you don't feel like it. You can read to your DS, and he might enjoy crawling around playing with the other babies. Don't worry if he screams, as you can always take him out. My DS is 9 months as well, and he's often too interested in his surroundings to cry. Plus you can read your DS a different book every time he goes, so it won't be the same old thing again and again.

Anyway, long post, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. You are going to get through this.

Thinking of you too- how did you get on at drs yesterday?

Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't been round, ds has been busy cutting his first tooth and I haven't had a second to myself. So much screaming, I'd hoped it'd be a walk in the park after 5 months of colic, it's difficult not to feel like we're back to square one.
The doc wasn't very helpful, just said to wait til we've seen a nutritionist at the hospital. Rang them up, nearest appt is January.
Still got docs booked for tomorrow, a big part of me is telling myself not to go. If they won't help ds why would they help me? And if they do help me and not ds isn't that just another example of what a stupid selfish awful mum I am that I get help and he doesn't.
It's still booked though. Just feel shit about it.

I just want to apologise for wasting all of your time, you're trying to help me and all I can do is moan. I'm sorry.

I wanted to post earlier, but no time.
Do not apologize!
There's too much apologizing going on with us women I think. Why should we say sorry for what we are feeling? I myself have spent too many years always saying that bloody word and feeling bad for saying what I really feel. If we can't feel free to express what we really think on here then where can we?
Had to get that rant out of me. And that is not an apology!
You must go to the doctor and if they succeed in doing their job well and you get the right help then by you getting better surely that will be a help to your son in the long run.

You've got to go into that doctor's surgery and refuse to leave until you feel satisfied with what they tell you. I don't mean to sound bossy, it's just that, once again, I used to get all apologetic in front of a doctor and feel weak or stupid for telling them what I felt, but only now after becoming a mother and suffering as I did that it finally dawned on me that I didn't really care what they thought or how I came across anymore I needed the proper help and I noticed that this attitude (although getting one doctor's back up) the others seemed to appreciate my directness.
Just a suggestion - Anyway I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.

Glad you are talking to us

And please do go see that doctor tomorrow - and be honest with him (take this thread if you need to)

Don't let your depression tell you any more silly excuses why you shouldn't get help.

I will go.

Struggling mom - (NOT worstmumever) are you seeing the same GP as you saw today with your little boy. Hope not as he didn't sound very helpful. Can your HV help with the baby's crying - maybe not - some babies just DO cry an awful lot. My sister had one and didn't have a night's uniterrupted sleep for 3 years (sorry don't mean to make you feel more pessimistic) it was her 2nd child and the first one had been easy-peasy, so it is often nothing to do with the kind of parenting they receive.

PLEASE don't be fobbed off tomorrow - GPs are paid a very high salary and as I said before you are not going to be telling them anything they haven't heard hundreds of times before.

Come back and tell us how you get on.

WME - you thread is making me cry too. Am so sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I've never had PND but I have been depressed and all the posters are right - it makes you think things that just aren't true. Your DS does love you, I have no doubt. And when he's grown up and can tell you so, I'm certain he'll tell you how wonderful it was that you took care of him through all this.

do go to the doctor!

I also wanted to suggest that if you can possibly afford it, can you get a doula or night nurse to come every now and again, even just once every few weeks, so you can get a full night's sleep? I had one early on with my DS and it was so helpful just to be able to recharge and have a night off. You can catch up sleep which would help so much. I've also learned so much from mine about how to care for DS - she might be able to help with new ideas about the crying.

A trainee would be cheaper. Doula.org also have a hardship fund for people who need but can't afford one.

www.doula.org.uk/content/duk/doulauk/Hardship_Fund.asp

Keep posting. There are clearly lots of people out here who want you to get help and get well. You're doing an amazing job - I'm stunned with admiration that you've done as well as you have. You must be incredibly strong and brave to have cared for your DS in these conditions for so long. Hold on to that! You can keep going!

You sound like a really good mother, hoping that you get good support today from your gp today.

Really hope dr is helpful- you deserve it x

How did the doctors appt go today? I hope you managed to get there and it was helpful to talk to them xx

Went to the drs, told him how I feel. Still shaking but he was ok. He couldn't prescribe any ads today because of my medical history, he needs to consult someone else and it will happen next week.
Still feeling shaky and panicky after talking to him but I think when this wears off the lack of a prescription will hit me pretty hard. I know ads don't solve everything but I'd been telling myself that I'd start them today and everything would be all right.
But at least he knows right? That's something, that's something. Long weekend ahead.

Well done for going - I am so proud of you!

I know I have not posted a response to your first message but have read what you are going through, and I have to agree with everyone else. You are not a monster, you are really up against lots of practical things to deal with - a very unsettled baby and a partner that has left. DO NOT underestimate how big these things are and why they have contributed to how you are feeling.

I recently went to see my GP as I have been struggling with negative thoughts towards my baby - ie, feeling like there is sometimes no bond and that I am a bad mother, but I know from reading other posts that I am not alone and am suffering from PND - as much as I cannot beleive it, I am having to accept that it is depression and that it is treatable. I have started seeing a councilor and started on anti depressants too.

I can relate to your 'long weekend ahead' comment, but please try to find someone to spend some of it with so you do not feel so alone.

Your doctor sounds like he is doing the right thing and it is important that the correct mediaction and dosage is given, so I think it is worth the short wait.

Just please hang in there - your son does love you, although as a baby they often have difficulty showing you!! I know in time, with help (which you have brilliantly taken the first step in getting) you will start to feel happier about yourself and your son.
xxxx

Thanks Ladypop, I have to admit I still find it hard to believe that anyone else has felt this way about their baby. Just going to try and keep busy this weekend and hope for some news early next week.

Busy is good! dwelling on things can often make us feel even worse, I think. If the weather is cold and sunny, can you get out for some walks with your little one? The fresh air will probably do you both lots of good and a bit of sunshine can only help!!

Ps there are so many of us out there who have very similar thoughts and feelings that you are not alone. I know that does not help you personally, but I find it helps me feel a bit better about the situation knowing I am normal but actually suffering from depression.