Lost the bond

[WorstMumEver]

I don't feel bonded to my ds any more. I don't even think I like him. God that feels so awful to write in black and white but it's true.
Since he's been born it's just been one thing after another, colic, reflux, constant crying for 9 months. He'll smile for other people, he'll be calm when out with other people, it's just when he's with me that it happens.
I thought last night about killing myself, I'm not right for him, I can't do it. If I could get someone round to take him I would do it, then I wouldn't have to do this any more.
If I had pnd I'd know it would be ok, it would get better, but I bonded with him at birth, for months. So it's me, I'm a monster. I had no right to have a child when I can't even like him, let alone love him. He's sucked it all out of me with the crying, refusing to sleep, it never ends. It never gets better.
God I'm pathetic, I really am better off dead, he'd be better off without me. I'm the problem, he likes other people.
:( Oh fuck I don't want to be here any more.

Thanks for everyone's messages, this thread has been a life line today. Every time I feel trapped and like I can't breath I come on here.
The past three nights with his teething he's had a calpol before bed, but with the 9 months of crying I've tried to be as sparing as I can with it. I'm so worried I'll damage his liver, it preys on my mind all the time. It nearly always sends him to sleep and stops the crying, so he is in pain, but I don't want to hurt him in the long run, I know it's cumulative.
He's had, infacol, gripe water, colief, gaviscon and had cranial osteopathy. I think he has problems with his gut, but the drs can't do anything and the hospital can't see him until January.
The sling used to work but he won't settle in it now, though he will settle in the pram when we're outside. That's the only place he'll sleep in the day so I spend a lot of time walking.

Thanks again for your messages, just had a little cry, means a lot. Most of the time I feel trapped in a bubble with ds, I can see life going on outside, people doing things, but I can't get to them and no one can hear me. I'm so glad I posted.

Just keep doing what you are doing - you are actually doing a fantastic job and you are a good mother!!! Just remember that everyone is here to support you, you are not alone. x

Thank you, it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything right, ds is having an appalling evening. I've given him calpol but he won't stop screaming. I'm shaking again, christ I don't know what more I can do.

How odd you said that, he was born with an umbilical hernia which has now disappeared.
Dr hasn't prescribed anything as he says I should wait to see the nutritionist. Today he's eaten two slices of toast and some puréed parsnips. All off which he normally tolerates.
What I know he can't eat so far: banana, strawberries (or any berry) tomato, cucumber, apple or cows milk.
So far we have pear or parsnip, I'm going to try sweet potato next.
No milk other then mine, though I've bought some soya formula I was going to try with weetabix later next week.
I keep him upright on my lap post feed for at least half an hour, gaviscon has done nothing since first prescribed.

I've heard from my midwife friend that mild wheat intolerance is very common, and even a mild intolerance can cause babies and young children a great deal of discomfort. So even a single slice of toast can set them off crying for ages!

My colicky ds liked rice milk with vanilla flavouring in it - he couldn't keep cow's milk down. Another friend gave her windy babies goats milk which she said had a mild taste, and which they liked.

I remember my ds being on a very, very boring restricted diet from about 8 or 9 months (which bothered me much more than him, I remember). He ate porridge, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes (made with rice milk), baked beans, pureed fruits like pear and apple, mashed bananas, non gluten toasted bread, peas, chicken and turkey - that was it. Oh, and cucumber, occassionally. He only really expanded this very simple diet when he reached about 2 years old, and even then it was years before he ate what I'd describe as a full diet. But this diet helped with his colic, and maybe something similar would help your ds, if this is one of the reasons for his stomach pains.

I hope he's eased up on the crying! I really feel for you. Not too long to go now til Monday

The only things I have found so far that he definitely tolerates are pears and parsnips.
This evening is the worst of my life.
If things don't improve in the next month I'm going to kill myself, there's no other option. I can't do it any more.

I'm going to bed now, thanks everybody for your support but I really hope I don't wake up. Though I know I will, and have to do it all again tomorrow.

Hope you get some decent sleep x

I think it's really important to find some extra support for yourself: your mum, any friends available to hold ds while you get out for a walk/go to bed to sleep etc.

Oh, I completely recognise your isolated feeling of being in a bubble, but there's lots of support out there: coming on here is one source, and ask/beg/demand more help form your HV and doctor, family and friends, the Cry-sis helpline.

A first baby is stressful, with a partner in tow. It's MUCH more stressful if you're coping on your own. But a constantly crying baby is incredibly stressful . Until you've been through it, as you are, as I was, you just don't realise. It's vitally important you get much more help to carry on coping with all this.

You seem like an amazing mother to me, although it's hard for you to see this yourself - but you're doing really well.

You've got this far on your own; now you need some support for the next stage; you're clearly a very strong person who's been driven to distraction, but you will get through.

Maybe hour by hour is better than day by day at the moment?

X X X

It really sounds like there is something wrong with your little one digestion/tolerance wise or other, that when discovered, could make a huge difference to you both, how stressful...

Have you honestly laid it on the line with your doctor and admitted your suicidal feelings to them? If not I really think you need to so they shape up and take action to help you.

You are doing your best but I don't think right is being done by you, you must tell your mum, doctor, ex and friends how bad things are. You need more help and support than you are getting and if you don't ask now, then when?!

Hoping you both slept ok...

hi struggling mom - are you prepared to say whereabouts in the country you are. I'm sure some people on here (including me) would come visit you if you lived within a reasonable travelling distance.

Let us know how you get on on Monday and keep posting because we're all 100% behind you.

Sending warm wishes to you and the little boy. I promise that one day you will look back on all this and feel glad to be alive with a healthy child who will (eventually) sleep through the night. You might not believe that now (and as you are depressed) I know it will be hard to believe), but it WILL happen.

Great advice nottired.

How are you this morning op?

WME - just checking in. The others here have posted such good advice I really didn't think I could add anything helpful, but I wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

You sound like you had a very difficult night last night. How are you this morning?

wme - you really aren't the only one. it can be so hard. I have felt unhinged quite often. It can be really really unsatisfying for the first year. Even into the second year. Some people want to hurt themselves so they don't hurt their baby - because there is just such an enormous amount of hate and resentment building up inside....and self hate. ds cried up to 8 hours in a go for almost 4 months with colic. I sometimes put in ear plugs while I jiggled him, just to try and reduce the noise. But I had constant headaches and back splitting pain from carrying him to comfort him.

It may not feel this way now, but things will be different in the future. They absolutely definitely will. You have to do several things....1. Get help - someone to talk to. 2. Get as much sleep as you can 3. Get away - get more time out away from your child - you need a bit of space to breathe. 4. Make a big fuss to doctors about your child's health - so many good suggestions here.

Maybe even consider trying to find a part time job, even if the money you earn only just covers child care.

Your child crying is not personal. Even if it feels that way at times. He's the one who is going to run up to you beaming when you arrive to pick him up from school. He's going to rush to show you the first picture he did at nursery. He's going to beam with pride when he wins the running race at school. That is part of the payback for all the suffering you do now. It's not going to be for any of those other people you say he smiles at now. He is just smiling because he is out and about, they are different and it is a new experience/person.

Gladis - your last para brought tears to my eyes - I just so hope you will believe it struggling mom cus it's true.

Thinking of you today and hoping you get a prescription to begin to help you get through this awful but temporary period.

Seriously, you need to get back to the doctors straight away to tell them how suicidal you are feeling. I agree with all of the other posts. They also need to take you seriously with regards to your babies discomfort and distress.

You can do this - you have been to the doctors already which was an amazing step for you......be persistant for the sake of both you and your baby - you deserve their support, you really do. xxxx

Wow, thank you everyone for your messages, I've been away from the computer all day. Been trying so hard to keep busy so I didn't spend all day hanging around the phone. Haven't heard from the drs yet, if they don't phone today I guess I'll have to phone them tomorrow.

Ds is unsettled again :( so I'll be back later and reply more in depth to everyone.

Yes, def phone them in the morning if you have not heard from them. You can take charge of this and take steps to help you both, I know you can x

I started out with weaning hoping to do blw, he was a bit prem so couldn't. He ate a variety of foods though but became increasingly distressed. So I stopped two weeks ago and started one purée at a time. Pear was fine (mixed in with baby rice) then apple (also mixed in with baby rice) this did not go well so stopped apple. The past week has been parsnip. I was going to do sweet potato next week. He has also started having toast in the morning, he only sucks it and I don't think he gets any down. He could now do blw as he can take stuff to his mouth now but don't know where to start.
I've just lost all my confidence with it, now I think maybe the problem wasn't with the apples it was maybe teething. I don't know, don't know if I'm doing the right thing with toast, was thinking about starting him on weetabix with soya formula (can't express hv says too stressed) I don't know what to do.
I guess I'll have to ring the hv again, I really don't want to but the hospital appt is so long off. She is really nice, I just feel like a failure every time I ring her, wasted so much of her time already. I'm his mum, I should know how to make him better.
Drs haven't rang, I'll have to phone them tomorrow.
Gladis your description of the future means more to me then I can get than you'll ever know. Thank you.
I can't imagine that future with me in it yet but I hope we get there.
I wish the drs has rang today, I'm just rambling now, have managed to keep busy all day but the evening and night stretches out ahead of me, feel sick. I scared myself so much last night.

Thank you for all your food advice, the hv just told me to give him plain tasting foods low in fibre. So I've tried.
Just seem to get it all wrong for him though.
Will try porridge next then. And maybe avocado on toast as well as sweet potato in the coming weeks. I'm getting quite anxious about it, just read today what most 9mo eat in a day, we're so far behind.