Lost the bond

[WorstMumEver]

I don't feel bonded to my ds any more. I don't even think I like him. God that feels so awful to write in black and white but it's true.
Since he's been born it's just been one thing after another, colic, reflux, constant crying for 9 months. He'll smile for other people, he'll be calm when out with other people, it's just when he's with me that it happens.
I thought last night about killing myself, I'm not right for him, I can't do it. If I could get someone round to take him I would do it, then I wouldn't have to do this any more.
If I had pnd I'd know it would be ok, it would get better, but I bonded with him at birth, for months. So it's me, I'm a monster. I had no right to have a child when I can't even like him, let alone love him. He's sucked it all out of me with the crying, refusing to sleep, it never ends. It never gets better.
God I'm pathetic, I really am better off dead, he'd be better off without me. I'm the problem, he likes other people.
:( Oh fuck I don't want to be here any more.

The frustrating thing is I have yet to find a food he doesn't like. He'll happily eat anything, it's just that evening / night he'll scream and scream. He goes completely stiff, throws his head right back, very windy and can't lay down or sit up.

Hey hun don't worry about being behind with eating! My little ds has cerebral palsy and only uses one hand so he was slow to get to grips with finger food and holding his own drink. Now he is almost 3 and he eats with an adult fork from a china plate and he eats everything, stir fry, fajitas, curry you name it. Your baby is unique.

Just one thing - they find avocado quite tasty on its own - don't mix it with toast if you suspect toast as you may not be able to gauge his reaction

Just popping in to see how you're doing, any change with the docs?

How are you struggling mom - been thinking about you - keep posting if it helps. Sending you warm wishes.

Thanks everyone, sorry I haven't been around. My internet's been cut off, it never rains but it pours eh :( So offline for a few weeks.
Probably best to leave this this thread be as I don't know when I'll next be online.
Rang the drs but nobody got back to me.

Thank you everyone for your support and sorry I won't be around.

Ohworstmum - just in case you look at this post one more time....your words just made me cry.

I'm so pleased they touched you, because it is so true though. I have an 18month old and a 4.5 year old. When I utterly despair of the 18month old, and the last 5 months of endless crying (continual sickness and teething) I look at my daughter and she brings me so much joy that my heart almost bursts. She draws pictures for me all the time, can't wait to give me a hug in the morning, is doing so well at school and I get lots of compliments about what a good job I've done.

Truth is, I thought I was a lousy mother half the time, and wanted to jump out the window when it was all too much.

The current eating situation just sounds dreadful. Keep at it. If you didn't really care, you wouldn't be posting on here. Although it is mind numbing just dumbly getting up and doing the same old thing day after day, it is actually just what is needed most of the time. Do try and take time out to watch favourite movies, see friends, take naps, whatever to make life just a little more pleasant during such a challenging time.

It does get better - much better.

Struggling mom - have seen your message that you will be off line for a few weeks and you want to leave the thread. Call me an old cynic but I'm worried that you think you are wasting people's time or something similar. PLEASE come back on if you still need support, but if you don't I (am am sure all others) will accept that you want to leave the thread at the moment, or until you are back on line.

Sending you good wishes.

Yes - I was thinking the same thing as Nananina, we are always here to listen and support whenever you need us. Don't forget it!