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Original poster

Tough love

50 replies

kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 17:15

I am sitting here wondering if anyone out there has heard of "tough love"? Believe it or not it can actually help those who are "stuck", far more, and far quicker than constant cries of "there there dear, it will get better". I know that none of you mumsnetter's will approve of or agree with me, as you only ignore me anyway...but just as all of you, I am also entitled to my opinion. Unfortunately my opinion is too "clinical" for you supportive types :( I spent nearly 2 years in group psychotherapy, and have come to recognize that sometimes the "only" way to deal with our seemingly insurmountable problems is to face them head-on, and not always hope or expect others to carry us through...I find that we should also learn to rely on our own judgement however skewed it may seem at any given time. Therapy perhaps, the advice of laypeople I'm not sure..especially when there are mental health issues involved ::(

OP posts:
madmouse · 14/10/2010 17:32

Yes I have heard of tough love, and I actually cope really well with it if it comes from one of the mmmm about 4 people who I can trust enough to know that they love me unconditionally.

Tough love on an Internet forum I'm not a fan of.

And I believe support and enouragement achieve much more.

Also bear in mind that the people who post on here with their difficulties are letting their guard down and taking a breather letting their true feelings out while working hard to keep going in real life.

So they are tough enough on themselves...

GetDownYouWillFall · 14/10/2010 17:35

well said madmouse - an internet forum is for support, not for "pull yourself together, love".

Biscuit
madmouse · 14/10/2010 17:43

kibbutz hun why are you so angry with us? I think that's a better question to ask. You are entitled to support too as you are plenty hard enough on yourself.

You know where I am if you wanna talk.

GetDownYouWillFall · 14/10/2010 17:47

kibbutz we did welcome you with open arms on the insomnia thread, and were more than willing to share with you. What did you want from us, do you want tough love?

I don't believe anyone wants tough love from a total stranger.

Sorry if you've felt rejected or hurt. It's clear you've got issues of your own, and there are lots of people on here who have genuinely helpful things to say, not just "there, there" and pats on the back.

Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 20:36

As I said ladies, I am entitled to my opinion. I don't personally believe that saying kind words is very beneficial to someone who is in desperate need of physical RL help. I actually believe it can be detrimental to their emotional well-being :( I have had plenty of experience of well-meaning people actually making things a lot worse :( As I said, if someone has real deep-rooted problems I don't believe these forums are the right place to be. This is just my opinion, as you are all on here giving yours. Neither of us are "right or wrong", we are only coming from our own personal standpoint. Thanks Madmouse, but I find talking to strangers just makes me feel worse :( ps I am not angry with you, I just don't appreciate being "told" that I shouldn't post stuff that comes from my own experience of hardship and suffering.

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GetDownYouWillFall · 14/10/2010 20:41

If it makes you feel worse kibbutz then don't post. It's simple.

Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 20:55

I am just saying this for others that may feel similar to me, as I am sure there are people who come on here for whom this kind of support isn't always positive. Again just my opinion, and I am not hurting anyone am I?

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Keziahhopes · 14/10/2010 22:36

Hi kibbutz, I have not met you so had no history with you, sorry. All I know is that for some reason I have not had the fortune of kind words from people, from therapy (they will not give me any, just labels and meds) - so any crumbs of human kindness can help me get through a day or bad time. If it doesn't for you and you can get that elsewhere then I am pleased for you ... and pleased you do not need to talk to strangers.

Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 23:11

Hi Keziahhopes, what I'm trying to say is that I believe we must find self-love, because I don't believe that words on an internet forum are the answer... I believe it can give people false hope in some ways :( I think we must find our strength through ourselves and our own inner resources, not the kind words of others...There MUST come a time when we start to believe in ourselves and our own judgement. I believe these sites can stop people from doing that. But as I said that's only my opinion :)

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PixieOnaLeaf · 14/10/2010 23:20

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Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 23:25

Because I felt the need to start this thread..I am not saying any of you have to like it or even respond to it, after all it's just my opinion as I've said. All well and good for those of you who it's helped...

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PixieOnaLeaf · 14/10/2010 23:29

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Dracschick · 14/10/2010 23:31

Kibbutz youve obviously not read any of the great cutardos advice then Smile or anyfuckers they are probably the most down to earth advisors on here .....and im damn sure solid gold doesnt do any patting of back and Xenia couldnt even spell empathy.

PixieOnaLeaf · 14/10/2010 23:33

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Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 23:35

I'm not angry, I'm frustrated because I don't really think that "we" as non-professionals should be giving advice to suicidal or deeply depressed, confused people... do you not think it's just possible that "we" could make things worse by giving unfettered advice off the cuff to complete strangers? Attack me all you like, but I believe there is truth in what I say.

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Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 23:37

Sometimes too much sympathy stops people from healing themselves..

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Original poster
kibbutz83 · 14/10/2010 23:40

To be honest, you all seem to be the angry ones. If you don't agree with my beliefs, then don't bother to post.

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Gotabookaboutit · 14/10/2010 23:43

lol so you mean you just want kind words not 'tough love' ???

PixieOnaLeaf · 15/10/2010 00:35

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Original poster
kibbutz83 · 15/10/2010 01:28

Yes but suicidal people do post on here asking for advice, that's just the point. And yes you can say anything you want to me if you disagree with my opinions so much. I trust no-one else's opinion as I have had a terrible life, and no-one has ever been able to help me, except me. |As I said before I think there comes a time when we must look to ourselves for the answers, not to anyone who will listen... I am sorry if this doesn't sit comfortably with anyone else, but I believe in speaking as I find...

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MaimAndKilloki · 15/10/2010 03:00

Tbh when I've been feeling suicidal I've found sympathy actually really good for calming me down. But agree hat it doesn't help some people.

I'm not entirely sure what you want from this thread though.

Original poster
kibbutz83 · 15/10/2010 06:51

I want to be able to have an opinion, and not told I am wrong, or out of order. I am sick of being ganged up on, just for having an opinion which goes against the grain. I have been crushed and squashed for so long now that I don't know whether I 'm coming or going. You are all able to express your opinions on here, so what gives you the right to close ranks on me and yet again crush me for feeling something that you don't feel? All I am doing is being honest about my experiences and saying the things that I truly believe to be reality in some cases.. I tell a horrific story of abuse, rape and loss, and through all my awful experiences in this life, I have never found the words of stranger's to help.. in fact the contrary. That is why I believe that "we" must all find the strength and inner resources to move and grow through this life.. we cannot be carried, we must learn to walk unaided, and trust our own judgement...Listening to 50 different voices and opinions will never help us to achieve that goal :(
It amazes me that no-one can see this. Sometimes we "help others" in an attempt to make ourselves feel worthwhile... sometimes to avoid having to confront our own unhappiness....sometimes maybe out of sheer boredom. Whatever the reason, I think we ALL need to question ourselves honestly before giving advice which could be harmful or misleading to vulnerable people.

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tortoiseonthepumpkinshell · 15/10/2010 07:03

Kibbutz, I don't know you at all, but this thread was never going to go well. You've started a thread saying that people should show tough love and not say "there there", you've called us "supportive types" as if that's a bad thing, and you've told us that we shouldn't listen to other people's opinions or trust their judgement.

But you also want supportive responses and you want us to listen to your opinion.

The OP reference to us "all ignoring you" rather implies that if we'd not responded this time, we'd be criticised for that as well.

piscesmoon · 15/10/2010 07:19

Everyone is different and you can't generalise-one size doesn't fit all.

Original poster
kibbutz83 · 15/10/2010 07:20

All I want is to be able to give my opinion. It would be nice if someone felt the way I feel, but it doesn't seem like that is the case :( I'm not concerned whether people "get" me, I just ask them to consider what I believe. I believe being a supportive type can at times be a bad thing, if you don't "consider" or understand the people whom you are supporting :( Why should I or anyone trust the judgement of a total stranger? I had a strong "feeling" that you would either attack or ignore me, as I knew that what I said would go against your own beliefs. But I still felt the need to put my point of view across. Attack me or support me, it is your choice.. but allow me to express what I feel to be true.

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