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Mental health

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Original poster

struggling

46 replies

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 12:02

i have 2 gorgeous boys, 2 years and a 3 month. i was abused at 13 and keep remembering it. i self harm and last week overdosed. Still can't believe i did it and although my husband has taken my blades and locked the pills away i still feel really bad like i want to do something. started smoking agian to try and cope with harming but its not really working and i dont know what else to do now. my health visitor knows i had pills but doesnt know i took them and had social services visiting yesterday, thank goodness they aret taking my boys. got psyke on monday but not sure how im gonna cope until then

OP posts:

madmouse · 14/08/2010 12:17

Oh smudged sorry you are struggling so badly. I know the pain of abuse - although mine had finished by the time yours started, I don't think it makes a difference.

It can make you feel so black, dirty, guilty, unlovable, bad, useless, like you're not supposed to be there

I'm not feeling that way very much now thanks to good counselling and fantastic friends.

I'm glad you are getting help on Monday but i can imagine the weekend is long .

All I can say is talk on here if you can, CAT me if you want. I will be back on tonight.

Take it a minute at a time and keep thinking that your kids deserve a better childhood than you had and they need you for that. They realy do. To be honest the times when I really wanted to jump off something high it was ds that kept me here. Hold on to that if you can.

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 19:26

Feel like i really need to cut. keep wondering if i should just so i can feel better for a while. i know it sounds bad, but keep wondering why the overdose didnt work, sometimes i really wish it had, but then my poor boys wouuld have no mum and i feel really guilty for thinbking it.

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madmouse · 14/08/2010 19:41

I'm here and my laptop is on all evening - if it helps to talk instead of cut please do.

Have you tried the usual tricks with ice or elastic bands?

I'm glad the overdose didn't work - too many of us have died that way as a result of abuse. Been too close for comfort myself. You are worth it to survive and thrive and your kids need you.

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 19:51

yeah ive tried everything, even putting red food colouring in the ice cubes to make it look like blood but nothing seems to help. Thing is ive been cutting for 13 years so its so difficult to stop, but i dont want my boys seeing it incase they copy and think its the right thing to do.
Sorry if i start writing in capitals, jamie keeps hitting caps lock button

OP posts:

madmouse · 14/08/2010 19:55

Sounds like Jamie is keeping your arms busy - maybe just hold on to him for as long as you can. Is he the 3 month old?

Remember sh is just a coping strategy, like my ED which I've had for 28 years (since I was 7) and which is only abating now after treatment. It's nothing bad, doesn't mean you are inadequate - simply that you are in too much pain to cope

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 20:04

jamie is my 2 year old. max is my 3 month old. I know SH is a way to cope, but people who never done it don't understand and think its so easy just to stop doing it.

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madmouse · 14/08/2010 20:15

If it was easy to stop you would not do it. I hope you can sense from my language that I don't think it is easy. I've never made myself bleed but I have needed to hurt myself to either not scream during flashbacks or stay on this planet and not dissociate too much when struggling.

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 20:27

no i didnt mean that you think its easy, but friends and family. just found out one of my friends friend just died and now i feel even worse. just seems like everything in my life is so f**d up. some people have no choice and here i am wanting to die. Yet sometimes i wonder if i do actually want to die, or just to escape and end this pain and suffering im going through

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madmouse · 14/08/2010 20:53

If you're anything like me it's the latter. Just needing the pain to stop, my head to stop spinning with painful thoughts. Just wanted to bang my head real hard or sleep for a long time so I didn't have to think and feel.

Doesn't mean you don't love your kids or value your life and there is no need or point in comparing with others who have tragically lost their life.

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 21:01

deep down i know you are right. it would just be so much easier to give up. remember when i hit a door years ago because all my blades were blunt, i broke the door i was so angry. thinking and feeling nothing is easier than this. i used to be able to make myself go numb so i didnt have to think and feel, but now i have my boys i cant do that coz i was almost like a zombie when i did that and wasnt able to do anything in that state and now my babies need me i daren't do that

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madmouse · 14/08/2010 21:11

I used to feel nothing for years. In fact before my abuse memories came back that's the thing that dawned on me - that I never felt the real stuff, good or bad. I've come to the point now where it is good to feel. A friend and colleague lost his daughter recently and I felt pain for him, I kept sitting there imagening how he would feel. Weird. A few years ago my brain would have known that this was a Bad Thing and that I must respond appropriately. Now I'm alive.

But the bit in between - and sometimes even today still - to feel was to hurt too much.

Guess I want to say that there is hope - it is possible to get through this.

Do you know the book 'The courage to heal'? - It has really helped me.

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 21:18

its weird but i always have been able to feel other peoples pain, just not my own, until i got pregnant with jamie and saw one of the people who did it, then imsorry to say i overdosed then and spent a few days in hospital, then got involved with a mental heath team, and since then i havent managed to block my pain out.
I have that book, but always end up hurting myself if i read it. Guess the memories are too painful at the moment

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madmouse · 14/08/2010 21:25

I don't know how I would respond if I would see him again - I live in a different country now that helps. I went there 6 months ago to report him but was told it was too late (that country has a system of statutory limitations, deadlines, weird). I know where he lives because the police told me. But I never ever want to see him unless being tried in a court of law. No idea how I would react..

So I can imagine you don't feel good for od-ing while pregnant - but you won't get no judgement from me...

If the book is too much the writers themselves say to take it slow. I do hope you will get some help to address what happened and how it made you feel the way you do. For me that has been the key. Not sure how much detail to go in as i don't really want to trigger you as you are very vulnerable right now.

Original poster

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 21:58

i dont get triggered by other people. i know people who SH and were abused and i can manage to distance myself from their experiences and pain. its just my own i cant deal with.

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madmouse · 14/08/2010 23:08

OK well in short I discovered that because he messed with my head as well as my body (this was from 7-10/11)and because he physically hurt me and when I cried with pain he shut me up by pressing his hand over my face I have spent my whole life thinking I did not deserve to be here and I did not matter -

I wasn't allowed to speak, protest, protect myself, not even feel. That has so bugged me for 28 years and now I realise it is not some flaw in me it is what he did and I'm shaking it off. I'm discovering I have a place in this world and I matter - to other people but also to me and for the heck of it (and to Jesus, but that is a very personal point that doesn't suit everyone and this is no time for bible bashing)

That's the hope I want to give you.

I'm going to bed now - thanks for talking to me tonight, I will check for you in the morning

Original poster

smudgedred · 15/08/2010 08:24

with me they drugged me so i only remember parts of it. i wish i didnt remember any of it. Wel done for realising its not your fault. your a strong person. maybe one day i'll be strong and believe it when people tell me it wasn't my fault. thanks for listening

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madmouse · 15/08/2010 09:18

You are a strong person or you would not be here today...

You will one day realise that as a child you cannot protect yourself and then on top of that you were drugged. It cannot be your fault. But if you're anything like me that comment won't penetrate your skin right now. I pray that it will do so in the not too distant future.

Original poster

smudgedred · 15/08/2010 15:58

same here. just feel like i need to cut so badly. cant believe how much i'm missing it. just need some relief right now and don't know what else will help me achieve it

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madmouse · 15/08/2010 16:36

can you express what exactly is making you want to cut? Can you verbalise it? On here? To the samaritans?

Wish I could help more. I have one friend who I can admit it to if I need to hurt myself and them holding my hand can help take the urge away.

If you do end up cutting take care of yourself. Keep clean and avoid cutting too deeply and bandage it safely and cleanly afterwards. It won't make you a lesser person.

Original poster

smudgedred · 15/08/2010 17:30

my emotions are just messed up at the moment. had a good day with the boys and my friend but feel i dont deserve that happiness and that its false. just had a cigarette but its not what i need so didn't help. been emailing the samaritans for weeks now trying to sort my head out but it doesnt seem to be helping at the moment.

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madmouse · 15/08/2010 17:46

You are trying very hard to keep it together - admirable.

You do deserve happiness - every last scrap you manage to get your hands on.

still here if you need to talk...

Original poster

smudgedred · 15/08/2010 17:51

thanks. not sure if i can keep it together much longer. need to feel the pain so i can feel 'normal' again. it feels like i need to cry but know i cant

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madmouse · 15/08/2010 18:09

Do you need to feel the pain to take the pressure off or to feel the pain you feel inside on the outside?

Original poster

smudgedred · 15/08/2010 18:17

to take my mind off the mental pain. i can cope with physical pain, not mental.

OP posts:

madmouse · 15/08/2010 19:31

I know what you mean - I've only recently seriously started registering physical pain - I was back on my bicycle less than two weeks after a rotational forceps + cut to go with it, having taken no pain relief after the delivery at all...these days I finally notice where my bruises come from...

Physical pain seems easier to bear than mental pain (hoping I'm not upsetting people with chronic pain in the process, because I know that can make you pretty depressed..)

How are you doing now? Are you hanging on there? Are the kids with you?

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