struggling

[smudgedred]

i have 2 gorgeous boys, 2 years and a 3 month. i was abused at 13 and keep remembering it. i self harm and last week overdosed. Still can't believe i did it and although my husband has taken my blades and locked the pills away i still feel really bad like i want to do something. started smoking agian to try and cope with harming but its not really working and i dont know what else to do now. my health visitor knows i had pills but doesnt know i took them and had social services visiting yesterday, thank goodness they aret taking my boys. got psyke on monday but not sure how im gonna cope until then

yeah the kids are here. DH next to me. asked him to go get me clean blades from the shop but he wont. so looks lke i gotta use old ones if i need to later. he said he would get me more ciggies but that aint what i need. thanks for talking

Guess he is doing what he thinks most helpful.

Can you go for a run? Does that help you? Put really loud music on?

It sounds like you feel you won't be able to hold off much longer. If you must cut can you not go and buy new blades yourself?

he doenst trust me not to but pills. im playing with jamie, and playing stupid games on the net to keep me busy. not going out coz i know where there is a broken bottle and just know i'd go right to it

You are very wise about this and your dh is clearly doing what he can. You sound like a strong team.

You do realise it is 8pm on Sunday - you've nearly made it through the weekend.

Tomorrow you are seeing psych and there will be help. I hope you will be able to be very honest about how you feel.

I also hope that you will be able to start counselling/therapy and start dealing with the abuse. It is possible to give it a place and I know you are afraid to deal with it as it is so painful you are pretty much living in hell right now - it can get so much better...

It doenst feel like it. just know as soon as the boys are in bed im gonna do something. usually the feeling dies down after a while but right now its just getting stronger and stronger.

will you cut in front of your dh?

No chance. its my private thing. i'll do it in the bathroom in the night when he in bed

Such a lonely business

well I'm here to offer what support I can...

thanks. got the boys asleep now. just feel so crap at the moment. im worried about the appointment with the psyke tomorrow which isn't helping. i think im worried about what the HV and social worker has said. I know she wants to go into my past a bit but not sure if i can do it. But will i ever be ready? I know i need to sort myself out for my kids, then maybe i will be a proper mum to them at last. Maybe i won't resent them so much. i know it isn't their fault. I just feel so guilty for feeling like this but can't help it.

You can go into your past a bit at a time at your pace and in your way...

Counselling doesn't mean you have to tell it all.

I have told bits and pieces to a close (male!!! - but at least he can cope with it)friend - very little to my counsellor.

No need to force anything.

well done for being brave. i guess there is hope.
Can't believe how messed up i feel at the moment. Can't sleep even though im so tired. Last time i couldn't sleep i overdosed. i guess at least i havent got access to any pills now so cant do that. Worried im gonna cut and go deep though. feel i need to. need pain and lots of it.

Knew i'd end up cutting. at least i didnt go deep coz jamie fell out of bed so stopped me. such a failure. Can't believe i let my kids down yet again. they deserve better then me. why am i so screwed up? hate myself so much right now. why couldnt the overdose have killed me? at least then i would be free for once. im so damn stupid. yet i wanna cut more to block ot these feelings. but if i do i'll feel worse so cut again and again till i dead. how nice that would be right now. but then what about my boys? such a screw up. why do i have to keep doing this to myself? And i had to use a rubbish blunt old balde coz DH wouldnt buy me some new decent ones. grr. i wish i could get hold of pills right now. they would calm me and make me relaxed. but no coz im so stupid ive had them locked away from me so now i've no escape!

You are not a failure for cutting and you are not letting your boys down - it is a coping mechanism that you need right now. Your sons won't be any different for it.

Hope you got some sleep in the end.

And that the psych is useful today. Off to work - back later

the psyke is going to refer me to a support group and has told me to ring her ar the doctor if i get worse again. got a little sleep, about 4 hours so i cant complain i guess

A support group and ring her if you get worse again? Have you been able to tell her just how bad you have been feeling?

I think a support group is great but is it enough?

yeah i said i was really struggling and about stockpiling pills and the cutting but she didnt suggest much else. am going back at the end of the month to see her. the support group could be ages away as well coz apparently there ia a long waiting list.

At least you are seeing her again soon.

Personally I would wonder if it would be a good idea for you to start exploring counselling - see what you can talk about, whether you can build up a relationship of trust with a counsellor and explore some issues, maybe from the basis of 'I've been abused' rather than go into more detail about it.

Anyway, how are you tonight? Is the need ot cut still strong?

my doctor is arranging some counselling, but like everything there is a long wait.
Didnt cut last night, even though there were tims i wanted to but DH had bought me some mags so read them instead. hope distracting myself will help again later

Good re: counselling. Hope it doesn't take too long. I get my counselling from a specialist charity that supports adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I pay them what I can afford and my counsellor is brilliant.

Amazing that you manage to distract yourself with magazines - you are such a fighter.

Hope you are having an ok day...

grr...feel so wound up today. feel like i need to do something. DS1 got a cold soa is quite grumpy and DS2 is just grumpy coz he so tired. i just wanna go sleep but cant. aldready had more fags than usual but they not always helping, but they did this morning.

i am so damn close to the edge again right now. really really wanna cut bad. DS2 tired but not going sleep, everytime i get him to go DS2 wakes him by being too noisy. really need a ciggie to help calm me before i get worse. just want the boys to go to sleep so i can have time out. cant concentrate on reading, tv, games anything tonight. keep getting big beaming smiles from DS2 but even they arent helping like usual. need to calm down desparetly. gotta keep fighting i know but i feel more constricted every passing second. feels like i have a time bomb in me ticking away and im ready to explode. gotta find some distraction someway but not sure whatt else to try.