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Original poster

i want to kill myself

29 replies

Misshousehunter · 29/07/2010 19:00

I was so close to hurting my child today. He has pushed and pushed me to the edge. He pinches, scratches, bites etc.. and he means it when he does it. My 2.5 year old hates me. I'm a shit mother. He always hurts his sister too, she's 12 months. He's evil. I can see the devil in his eyes and I'm starting to hate him and I'm wanting to hurt him. I visualise how I'm gonna hurt him. Sometimes I want him to run in the road and get hit by the,next car.

I want to die I seriously want to die. My child is evil and I am to blame cos I'm a shit mum.

OP posts:
draftywindows · 29/07/2010 19:03

Children are not evil put they can push you to the edge.

Try phoning parentline

HotSprocket · 29/07/2010 19:06

Please please go and talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.

Print out your post and show them if you can't say the words to them.

Sorry i don't have much helpful advice but i couldn't read and not post.

Hopefully someone will be along who can help you more.

You can get past this xx

scurryfunge · 29/07/2010 19:07

You need to report these feelings to a health visitor or your GP.

If you feel like you cannot control yourself at this moment, then call your mental health team or the Police.

draftywindows · 29/07/2010 19:08

parentline

dittany · 29/07/2010 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BollockBrain · 29/07/2010 19:11

Call the samaritans. And read the note at the top of this thread too.

waitingforbedtime · 29/07/2010 19:16

Please get some help and if you feel you need it right now then call someone right now, people have suggested numbers above.

Your ds is not evil. He is a pretty much average 2 yr old. That isnt to say having a 2 yr old (and a 1yr old) isnt the hardest thing in the world or that its easy or that youre a bad mum because youre feeling the pressure. Kids are hard work but you and they dont deserve you feeling like this.

Allow yourself to admit all this to someone and get help, please.

best of luck.

scurryfunge · 29/07/2010 19:19

Misshousehunter, can you tell us what is happening?

willsurvivethis · 29/07/2010 19:25

Misshousehunter please call someone in real life, be it samaritans or a friend and tell them you are not coping. Just not coping. Explanations can come later but you need someone alongside you now.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 29/07/2010 20:11

Ask for real time help, please. NOW. And stay online and post until help arrives...

scurryfunge · 29/07/2010 20:52

misshousehunter.....are you ok?

Original poster
Misshousehunter · 29/07/2010 21:06

They're in bed, i feel rubbish but better now he's out of my sight and ear shot. im lucky cos he'll now sleep til 7, when my partner gets up with him.
ive got a busy day tomorrow, but hoping he doesnt attack the other children.
he always does.

gonna put him in nursery maybe once a week, cant really afford to but i cant cope with him, he needs proffessional help, he cant keep attacking me, his sister and fellow kids. or random kids at the park. he's always attacking. thats why i get so angry cos ive tried so much to stop it but nothing is workig.

im on 200mg of sertraline for depression, im breastfeeding so it was a stuggle at first to be allowed to go on meds. they wont change them til i stop breastfeeding,

i hate my life. my friends have perfect little children that dont attack each other and yet they moan they have it hard. no one gets it, and tells me to get a grip.

if i had the guts to go through with it i would die right now. i know my daughter will turn into what my son is as shes already started scratching and biting back and claws other children.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 29/07/2010 21:20

You need assistance with managing the behaviour.

Keep picking him up and removing him from te situation every time he displays aggression.

Go back to your GP and tell them how you are feeling now.

winnybella · 29/07/2010 21:26

Well, certain amount of hitting etc is normal in toddlers. If your DS is indeed very agressive, you should go and try to talk to a professional who can check him out and decide whether he needs psychologist's help.

It's a bit scary though that yo're talking about your children as if they were real devil's spawns. It seems to me a bit delusional, sorry. Are you getting counselling now?

Original poster
Misshousehunter · 29/07/2010 21:33

I keep asking for help from the dr who refers me to the cmht but they're useless. they keep signing me off.
i saw them 3 weeks ago and ive heard nothing since. it took 2 months from when i saw the dr who referred me yet again, to even getan acknowledgment letter.
no one cares.

it is scary, im scared that im gonna really hurt him. all i can see is evil.

OP posts:
funnysinthegarden · 29/07/2010 21:35

am prob going to get deleted or shouted down for this, but when you are BF it is difficult to get things into perspective. I had to stop BF as I couldn't think in a linear fashion and it was seriously doing my head in.

What you are describing sounds very normal, if trying

MMH, you have so many hormones/ad's etc going round in your system it is no surprise that you are feeling like you are.

Your daughter is 12 months old, have you considered stopping BF?

Your son is not evil, but something is clouding your judgement.

funnysinthegarden · 29/07/2010 21:36

Sorry I read your name as Miss Mouse Hunter . But a better name if I may say so

winnybella · 29/07/2010 21:40

What evil are you talking about? Do you believe he's possesed by the devil?

See, I have moments when I feel like throwing DC out of the window- I really do- but even then I know that they are just being little monsters and I'm tired- and so I can't imagine really believing that they are evil and that I would really hurt them.

Did you tell your doctor that you feel like you may hurt your child? And of your irrational belief that he's a devil incarnate?

scurryfunge · 29/07/2010 21:41

You need to keep expressing your feelings to the relevant people exactly how you have on here....it cannot be ignored.

PatriciaHolm · 29/07/2010 22:12

Doctors asap - tell him what you have said here, print the thread out if that will help. You need help, quickly, and you need to be completely honest with the GP about your feelings.

willsurvivethis · 29/07/2010 22:35

I don't believe for one minute that if you tell crisis team that you think the devil lives in your son, that you want to throw him in front of a car and kill yourself that they will leave you on sertraline and do nowt else.

I agree with Winnybella - wondering if your perception of reality is slightly not right. Psychosis can do this and it can be treated well.

ladylush · 02/08/2010 14:43

Imo you need an assessment and help urgently. Don't let your gp fob you off - this is your life/your dc lives. Far too important to be dismissed. Many community mental health teams have a walk-in service. Ring MIND - find out what is near you. Needing help from a mental health service doesn't mean you are mad - many people struggle with low mood/emotional issues and need support. Maybe you could use some help from Children + Families service as well - or at least a health visitor. Please don't think you have to do this all on your own.

hobbgoblin · 02/08/2010 14:49

this stuff about devil posessed is that to illustrate how massively desperate you feel or is that how you are thinking?

MathsMadMummy · 02/08/2010 14:49

sertraline can sometimes cause suicidal thoughts.

hope you are doing ok and are pushing for help. what does your DP say about all this?

hobbgoblin · 02/08/2010 14:53

Are there any private behaviour management coaches near you? That might be better than the CMHT. Family therapy might be useful too.