I miss you all

[Sax]

Hi all,

I know I have had involvement with many threads on this subject but I just wanted everyone to know I do miss you all. I find depression very difficult to get my head round.

Most of the time I feel pretty detatched from life, i never know whether I feel ok or am going to sink because of something which happens or I am going to manage.

I am trying my hardest just to take each day as it comes, it seems best not to think too far ahead becasue this is too overwhelming.

I miss lots of you and hope you guys are all doing ok, i am so grateful for the support people gave me at my lowest and I know someone believed I was heading for a full breakdown which I believe now I think I was but hopefully I have managed to turn this around.

I have now stopped drinking the way I was and manage to have a drink for enjoyment and not necessity to cope, I have the boys a little more under control and my dh and I are working as a team I think.

So all in all just a total update and hoping the people who have all been so fantastic and supportive read this and know they played a part in my not going under totally.

I'll get there, I have to is now my attitude! The mind has frightened me so now its got to be onwards and upwards however hard I am going to find it!

I am trying my best guys and thank you!

Sax xxx

Sax

You were showing as away on MSN now you are not there.

MGR

Sorry MGR didn't realise it still said 'away' i'm around but I don't want to be a nuisance Sorry, when you get a min i'd love a word!
Sax x

BTW how come the children ALWAYS know when you are having a bad day the play up accordingly!! and now bloody mum rang and had a go cos i kept breaking up from the convo to sort them out or try to stop them fighting cos i couldn't hear her! God you'd never have thought with her comments she'd had three kids herself - shes just so selfish!

Hey Sax. You?re doing fine believe me. A day at a time that?s all you can do. It?s more manageable that way. It?s impossible to know how others manage stresses too, Sax. Many people you wouldn?t think will have depression. Listen to Hellcat though, alcohol, in even small quantities will take you down, not up. Try not to trust your feeling so much after you?ve had a drink or if you have a hangover and wait till later to make a proper assessment. And like everyone else no apologies are necessary. You post as much as you need to.

Try not to be too hard on the kids too. They?ll probably pickup on your mood, especially on the bad days and this might unsettle them and make them a bit fractious themselves. Don?t forget they love you.

Northerndad, that?s really inspirational stuff. Sax, you see there are lots of us here who have come out the other side of this. You will too. Try to be patient and don?t beat yourself up.

Toothache, it sounds like your in a terrible position but I?m most worried for your ds. If you?re at loggerheads as a couple, is not possible to appeal to your partner as a father? Tell him the way you both interact is harming your child and if he loves him he needs to do something to protect him from that. Hopefully this will nudge him enough to go to the doctors. Can you not try and arrange a discussion once a week, get a babysitter and go talk in some neutral ground where you both can?t shout at one another?

Wise words yet again from Monkeytrousers and of course a good talking to from Mrs GR!
Toothache and MMH thank you too for taking the time to reply you guys are truely amazing!

Actually i am suprisingly OK again now - dh just came home from work early and has taken ds2 and ds1 out for an hour or so, so i've managed to sit down and properly look at the accounts with some peace nad quiet to think.

Gosh its amazing just how much one needs a bit of space to get your head together and how I just never seem to have enough of that which is why I feel so panicy sometimes.

Many many thanks I really don't deserve you guys keeping such a close eye and giving me such support but it is truely appreciated - thank you all

I just need to be more rational and more even and i need to believe myself that I am doing the best I can at the moment.

Sorry again and thank you too!

Sax xx

Grrrr! Stop apologising Saxy! You're doing very well. A hiccup now and then is perfectly natural. Eventually they'll become fewer and fewer and the good days will become more and, er.. more (bad grammer but you know what I mean ). But even a hiccup then is fine too! Forgive yourself for being human, girl!

MT - but it doesn't feel right that its just a hiccup and this should be allowed, not when i am feeling so low and negative! I know tomorrow will probably be better but 'forgive yourself for being human' is like saying everyone gets hiccups so why does it feel so crap and why do i feel the need for all your support when everyone else just gets on with it? I don't understand it! I will say sorry again cos thats my nature even if it winds you guys up but thanks for bothering with me and thanks for listening!

Sax

That's okay Sax. I don't mean that everyone gets on with it though, I meant that people lean on others in times of need and thats what we can do for you here while you an hubby build yourselves back up again. Whe I talk about other people I'm generally generalising about me and the people I know and we/me certainly just didn't get on with it, not in the begining at least. It does get easier though. I just want to reasure you of that. Carry on saying sorry if you want to, who am I to tell you any different! I'm just a daft monkey and you're a lovely lass!

r u all still here sorry feel very alone!

No one here guys? jeeeeze i hate all this! i'll prob be right as rain tom but right now i'm in the gutter and its crap! Why oh why oh why and toothy if you see this don't say cos it can happen to anyone cos right now i don't believe that!

Oh god, i need to get my mind in gear, so tomorrow being another day i will!

Sax xx

Hey Sax

am away for a few days so havent been on msn or mf.

take care xxx

Hi Sax, remember me? we chatted a couple of days ago. am around for a while so feel free to chat and I'll babble.

hey sax how are you?

Nights are worse cos i think too much, why when i am on tabs and have up times do i feel so low when i get down, its like the tabs work but unless i change somehow then the lows will always feel like this? I really shouldn't post at this time, its not healthy, i will be so embarressed about all this tomorrow!

Sax xx

hey sax i posted to you few nights ago, hope you remember. I am having a bad day too, i am on tabs also and tabs for heart as have panic attacks and suffered this since tiny and have had such a bad day too, so was a welcome relief to come and say hi to you although sad you are having bad day as well.....

mummyoffour, of course I remember your posts and support from the other day. Thank you so much for coming on and keeping an eye even though you are having such a hard day yourself - i'm so sorry to here that.
I take great comfort in a website regarding panic attacks and i hope you will visit sometime if you also need support with these. The link is here and there is both a forum and chatroom should you like to have a look!

Take care and thank you all for your words of advice and support - I am ok today and I am embarressed as I knew I would be for posting again whilst being low - I just let things get out of perpective when my mind is all jumbled - i should take life a bit slower when I feel like this cos taking day by day is damned good advice but not always easy!

Thanks all

Sax xx

hey sax

thanks for the support and kinds words and link..thank you.

How has your day been? I am still up okay day but feeling bit down now, hoping you okay tho.

x