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Original poster

I miss you all

67 replies

Sax · 21/08/2005 09:22

Hi all,

I know I have had involvement with many threads on this subject but I just wanted everyone to know I do miss you all. I find depression very difficult to get my head round.

Most of the time I feel pretty detatched from life, i never know whether I feel ok or am going to sink because of something which happens or I am going to manage.

I am trying my hardest just to take each day as it comes, it seems best not to think too far ahead becasue this is too overwhelming.

I miss lots of you and hope you guys are all doing ok, i am so grateful for the support people gave me at my lowest and I know someone believed I was heading for a full breakdown which I believe now I think I was but hopefully I have managed to turn this around.

I have now stopped drinking the way I was and manage to have a drink for enjoyment and not necessity to cope, I have the boys a little more under control and my dh and I are working as a team I think.

So all in all just a total update and hoping the people who have all been so fantastic and supportive read this and know they played a part in my not going under totally.

I'll get there, I have to is now my attitude! The mind has frightened me so now its got to be onwards and upwards however hard I am going to find it!

I am trying my best guys and thank you!

Sax xxx

OP posts:
mummyoffour · 22/08/2005 02:25

been on antid on and off since I was little, I was always different and my mum said I would always end up in assuylm (now called pyschiatric ward) they are little ones 7,3,2,10 weeks.

Original poster
Sax · 22/08/2005 02:27

Gosh what a handful for you and only one at school! Thats nice of your mum to tell you this from an early age lol very supportive! Is she still around, does she give you lots of support both with depression and the children?

OP posts:
northerndad · 22/08/2005 02:28

Yeah, I've been reminded of that feeling lately. It is so easy to 'exist' at times. At the time I was in a life I thought I didn't want to live. Looking back now being a single parent is probably the best thing that has happened to me. My kids quite literally saved my life.

Original poster
Sax · 22/08/2005 02:31

Thats mega northerndad, did your depression start when your relationship broke down or has it just been added stresses in your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sax · 22/08/2005 02:34

My eyes are shutting now so i'm off to bed, thank you for talking to me northerndad and mummyoffour, maybe catch u again, sorry again and thanks for the support !

OP posts:
mummyoffour · 22/08/2005 02:34

hi sax no she has never been a very supportive mum and I have had counselling and have realised this is why I am like the way I am due to my mother and also other things in my childhood, she is a b*h and thankfully she lives far away from us and only have to put up with her about once or twice a year! yep it is hard with four and dh works long hours and tonight was crying to dh saying cannot cope with them.............I dont get much support apart from my dh who knows everything I have been thru and is amazing but only so much he can do...

mummyoffour · 22/08/2005 02:35

night Sax take care okay.

northerndad · 22/08/2005 02:38

I'm on very dodgy ground here, but I'd say it started at about 17. Remember I'm crap at giving advice. Broke up with 'first love' after very bad end to relationship...termination. I went off it, turned to crime and became very self destructive. I now know it was depression. Stuck with me since, affected marraige, ok now, kids are my life. Intend going into social work, try to stop others going as far off it as I did.

mummyoffour · 22/08/2005 02:39

good for you northerndad hope it works out.

northerndad · 22/08/2005 02:47

thanks, goodnight.

Original poster
Sax · 22/08/2005 08:24

mummyoffour - sorry to hear you felt you weren't coping wth the children, this has been how i have felt recently, overwhelmed and like I cannot give my children what they need. Do you have supportive friends or do you use any forums to help you mummyoffour? Do you have msn?

northerndad, thank you for last nights support and wow i hope you succeed in going into socialwork if its what you want to do, how worthwhile especially having been there and will be able to empathise. How old are your children? you say they are your life and is your wife supportive, you mention ok now?

You guys were great yesturday on a particularly low day, i'm sorry to get like that again, i swore to myself i wouldn't come on here and do this again cos i feel so paranoid that ppl must be fed up with always having me moan!

Thanks again though and feeling a bit more able to cope again today!

Sax xx

OP posts:
Toothache · 22/08/2005 09:16

Sax - >waggles fingers and tuts loudly< It's NOT your fault woman!

I've not been around to offer support really as:

  1. Can't get online as much at work now.
  2. Home PC has completely flat lined!

and

  1. I've not been feeling too good.

I am having full blown panic attacks during arguments with DH. Usually triggered by him calling me a name or telling me to "f**k off". and

I'm managing to get over it by putting my hand over my mouth and slowing my breathing down. Why can't he just DO something about his anger. Why can't he see how much his short fuse is effecting us all. He has an angry face on most of the time.

I feel like I actually hate him and I want to hit him over and over again.

basketcase · 22/08/2005 09:28

toothache sounds like you could do with a bit of cheering up and support too. Hope he has his nice moments to make up for the lousy ones..

sax - sorry I wasn?t around last night. Been out on a long family walk in the afternoon and took too much hayfever stuff I think - ended up with lousy headache turning into almost migraine proportions so went to bed early Fine now
Toothache is right. It is most definitely not your fault. People are happy to listen and support you - the only one thinking that this is all embarrassing and negative is you. Blimey, many of us have been where you are and know how it feels - and for how long. Depression isn?t like a cold where you can sniffle for a few days and then magically feel better. It takes honesty, hard work, effort, support and caring. You have to do the first three on your own I am afraid but you have to trust your family, rl friends and mumsnetters to do the rest - if you let us xx

Toothache · 22/08/2005 09:38

Basketcase - Unfortunately his good points are being over shadowed by his bad at the moment.

I was crying this morning and I saw the look om ds's face. It made me worse. He was just blankly staring at the TV as DH called me a "f*cking pain in the arse". I can't help but panic when he does this. The situation feels so out of control. I can't make him stop doing this and he doesn't seem to be able to control it. Whats left?? And ultimatum?? That won't work either. The helplessness is making me feel out of control. I'm normally the one that keeps everything undercontrol. He admits he has anger issues and that he needs help, but he won't do anything about it! And I can't.

Any advice would be really grateful. Nothing is changing and he is getting worse.

mummyoffour · 22/08/2005 11:37

Sax - you are very welcome

Original poster
Sax · 22/08/2005 12:07

Toothache, gosh you sound like you are having a really really hard time, i'm so sorry to hear that and that you haven't got pc access at home, that is my saviour!
Could you not persuade him to go to gp like i did and maybe they will refer him for some help, gosh i know this is easy to say but he is making your life a misery too - maybe tell him to do it for Ds if not for himself or you?

Take care and always here if you need a chat!

Sax xx ps today is better and i [smile) at the wagging finger

OP posts:
Toothache · 22/08/2005 12:13

Thanks Sax. The thing is when we talk about him giong to the GP he totally agrees! But he just never makes that phonecall.

He told me this morning that I drive him to it. ..... I said "what like a woman whose H hospitalised her deserves it coz she's nagging him".

He didn't respond. He's too busy searching in his mind for someway he can make it my fault that he can't deal with the situation.

He's a dick. I hate him, I want him to calm down
or leave, but how to put that into practice is just terrifying me.

Original poster
Sax · 22/08/2005 13:33

Toothache i offered to make my dh his appoint and i was supprised he agreed but if your dh really does know he needs help then u can only work on that can't u. I know what you mean about him needing to calm down cos my dh needed to, on meds now he is better becasue he can detach himself now like i can so we tick along.

i hope u manage to persuade him toothy for ds and you cos life it pretty hard for you all by the sounds of it!

OP posts:
mummyoffour · 24/08/2005 22:31

hey Sax how are you doing, I was not so good the other day that is why I did not reply, how are you today??

Original poster
Sax · 25/08/2005 21:30

Mummyoffour - yes doing alright I suppose thanks - bit low tonight but on the whole yeah pretty good and coping I guess!!

I just wish I could skip a bit of time and just not have to worry so much about the following month or day for that matter!!

Anyway, hope you have had a better couple of days - take care mummyoffour

Take it all easy guys

Sax xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Sax · 26/08/2005 10:02

Woke up this morning feeling pretty chipper but i'm now in an overwhelming state of panic having just received more bills and suddenly feeling everything is out of control. I am not thinking rationally i know but i suddenely feel 'oh god whats happened to me and my family' again.

I'm sorry guys i'm sure i'll calm down but i feel i am not sure which way to turn or how to think anymore.

God its so ridiculous to feel like this over something small like money but i feel sick, shaky and all of a wobble and i can't cope if the boys create or cry today -

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 26/08/2005 10:08

Sax

They are only bills, they can be broken down into bite size pieces and dealt with.

MSN ??

Original poster
Sax · 26/08/2005 10:32

LGJ r u Mrs GR? Msn is on!

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 26/08/2005 10:37

Hey Sax, just noticed your thread.

Pleased to see that in your initial post that you were feeling that you were coping a little better. See you can do it! You just need to remember these times when youre not having such a good run.

No need to apologise for the way you feel Sax, and you shouldnt think that you should be able to control it at the push of a button. It does take some working on. You have already shown yourself that you can have good days amongst the bad, even a few good days at once.

Unfortunately, the nature of all this means that you will go back to having crap times which gets you again in a different way because you think that if you felt a bit better once you should be able to do it again, but this time it has a slightly different angle to it because you have more to think about IYSWIM, but its all just part of the process, crap I know!

Just keep in the front of your mind that it not your fault and you cant help your genetic make up. Oh, can you imagine if you could?! (thats a whole other thread I think!)

Chin up Mrs, I'll be popping back later to see how you are!

Toothache · 26/08/2005 10:50

Sometimes you and I sound so similar Sax!

I have many panics about finances. Sometimes I look at the credit card bill and think "so what.... loads of people are in much more debt than us". But 2 days later I can come across the same bill and it sends me into panic overdrive! Crying.... shouting at DH (he doesn't take control of any of the finances) and eventually slumping into a depression that can last 2 minutes or 2 days. But I ALWAYS get back to that mindset that it's not life or death, it's being dealt with slowly but surely.... nothing is being reposessed and there are people much worse off.

The best thing to do is to make this panic productive if you can. Use it to work out drastic solutions.... write them down.... then when you've calmed down, read them..... adjust them to be more realistic and less dramatic .... then celebrate the fact you just got over another panic. The bill will still be there, but you've had your panic about it..... so now its time to deal.