My husband doesn't want anymore children

[Kara344]

Hello all. I find myself in a situation I didn't expect to find myself in and with no one to talk to on the subject. My husband doesn't want anymore children and if I'm being honest I really do 💔
I hated being an only child as a child and I don't much like it as an adult. For me, it's been a very lonely experience and at times really hard. I'm not saying siblings are built in best friends because they aren't but there are benefits to them (someone to play with, someone to help with parents, someone to understand what it's like to have the parents you have).

I'm heartbroken and I have made my husband aware of this. It's going to take time for me to come around to this idea but ultimately I'd never force a baby on someone who doesn't want one - I don't think a baby is a maybe thing.

Can anyone share their experiences or give me an idea on how to cope with this change in my life plan? Please be gentle as I'm very emotional on the subject (maybe pathetic I know! But I just need time to adjust).

I know more about people at work than I do my siblings. I am trying to think of anyone that I have come across who has an amazing, close sibling relationship and no one comes to mind for me in real life (including my parent’s siblings - estranged, and no other family, friends or work colleagues come to mind).

It has been just over couple of years since he denied me another child and our sex life is basically non existent. Its not that I am doing it on purpose, I just have no desire to sleep with him.
There are other issues other than not having 3 children, but the lack of any intimacy is directly caused by that.

Oh 😔 I’m so sorry.

Someone else on his radar?

Based on your last post it sounds more like no more children is his way of saying he's checking out. HonestlY small children are just so hard, for everyone, and parenting now seems more like a race with first prizes than what it was before our society had contraception. Back when marriage entailed 4-5 children, which is still in living memory, people just expected children to fit into their lives. Not saying that was good, but the overwhelming expectation of parents today seems to take men in particular by surprise. Hope you're ok.

I was your husband in our relationship.

Thankfully DH ultimately accepted that I was 1 and done, but it took a while. And just as we were getting on with it I found out I was accidentally pregnant with DC2. I was devastated and contemplated a termination and DH was upset but supportive of this. In the end I didn't and we have DC2 who is wonderful and I really love her, but I think Id have been happier if we'd stuck at 1 and it has put unnecessary stress on our relationship. I don't think we'll last.

I was in this exact situation. We had our little boy and my DH decided he didn’t want anymore children. Anyway, I just couldn’t let it go and we would discuss it / argue about it every couple of months until our son was 7…when one day we both agreed we would just ‘try’ and see what happened. Well we now have our second baby boy and our family is complete. I truly feel complete now which I never did before. My DH is so happy too. I really hope this helps you OP 💛

I know loads of families where the siblings are close.

Its nonsense to say otherwise, just as its nonsense to say that all people with siblings are not close.

I hope your oh sorts himself out out op.

Having kids is hard, but it does get a bit easier, gradually

I went through this too op. My dh said he used to love the calm of coming home to a quiet house, no kids arguing and life was quite easy. Plus he already had an older child so our daughter was number 2 for him. I remember saying I'll do all the work - l was that desperate .

Anyway mother nature took over and l went into early menopause so never got my number 2 which in a way was probably a blessing as l couldn't blame dh for that.

So hard and l really feel for you.

Imo its cruel to just have one child. So many memories and experiences will be missed out without sinbkibg(s) and one day when the parents are gone,that child can have no close family and be by themselves. I know an adult male whis parents who are getting older are his only relatives,distant ones are not in touch- im concerned what he is going to do the day he is by himself.

your husband is a selfish jerk

I’m sorry to read your latest update OP, sending hugs

Oh no sorry op this must be devastating after saying you would never have left him or split the family up. I hope your ok this must be such a shock if he’s been unhappy he should have been up front with you at the time it sounds like he is using this against you and it is his get out clause sending you hugs.

I'm an only child and my childhood was fantastic and I never felt lonely. I think the experience depends an awful lot on the kind of parents a child has, if they were nurturing, loving, involved etc. I appreciate not every only child has the same experience as me. What makes you think your child would have such a dreadful childhood if they were an only child? Having siblings is no guarantee to a harmonious and happy childhood. You only have to read some posts on MN to know that! Not all siblings are close, having a sibling doesn't mean both will help with elderly parents (all too often you see on MN where it's only 1 sibling that bothers). I would suggest some counselling to help you adjust to not having a second child. Your husband isn't unreasonable to change his mind, but neither are you unreasonable.

one sibling passed who I was close to and the other two we hardly even see each other . We don’t keep in touch by text or phone much and I feel I have nothing in common with them. Have to admit we were sort of closer growing up in the teens but that changes, not for everyone of course but for us it did .

Hey!
You will get many different opinions on here; some kind, some very harsh.
Did your husband originally say yes to more than one child in the beginning and has now changed his mind or has always been dead set on one and done?
The reason I ask is that it would be very unfair for him to have changed his mind albeit its still his right to do so, just as it is yours.
You need to decide whether this point blank 'no' is going to affect your relationship long term. Will you ever forgive him for not letting you have another baby? No relationship ever comes with a lifetime guarantee so how will you feel if he decides to end the relationship in 10yrs time when you're too old to have another baby and feel as though you have wasted your chance of a bigger family?
I say this from personal experience. My ex apparently wanted children when we first met then stalled and stalled until finally telling me no and I nearly missed my chance in life. After ending the relationship with him, I was fortunate enough to meet someone else very soon after who wanted children! Had to wait until my early 40s to finally start the life I so desperately wanted. I absolutely despise my ex for leading me on with absolutely no intention of ever really wanting children (amongst many many other reasons). The moral of my story is if you really want something different to your husband, dont settle. The resentment will build up and ruin your relationship anyway xx

Really feel for you OP. Was this a discussion you had before you got married? Has he always wanted one?
I would share your feelings and say how much you want a child. Maybe go to couples therapy? You don’t want there to be resentment.

Your child is only young so your husband may change his mind later , enjoy your baby for now . I come from a family of 5 siblings, it's not all its cracked up to be . We are estranged and have nothing to do with each other, not my doing I've tried build up close bond but we're like strangers . Its sad but happens.

Imo its cruel to just have one child.

Why would you come onto a forum which will include many people suffering from secondary infertility, not to mention many people who have stopped at one child for any number of perfectly valid reasons, and say something as crass and unpleasant as this?

OP, I’m sorry to read your recent update.

@Kara344 If your husband is adamant he doesn't want any more children, when is his vasectomy booked for?

Changing his mind after going through your pregnancy and childbirth and newborn and toddler stage isn't being 'unfair', nor is having a different opinion, wishes and vision for your family from your own. Anyone can alter how they feel and what they want over time, especially with real experience.

And a sibling isn't guaranteed happiness. Both my partner and an ex from many years ago were estranged from their siblings after lifelong issues. My neighbours' daughters fought in vicious grim silence. My friend is currently in an awful situation with her sisters failing to help with their mother who has dementia.

Focus on your child, something so many people are denied. Is he a hands on dad? Does he enjoy being a dad? Is he happy to spend time with your child? Because if not, another child will not improve this. It'll make things worse.

Some men are not cut out for domestic life and sadly it seems he's one of those. The realisation it's hard work and he's no longer the centre of your attention can come as a shock to them.

But if he loves it, is happy being with you and your child, you never know, he might evolve his feelings again and come round to the idea.

If not, you have a choice - accept he's one and done and if you want to be with him, that's the deal.

Or accept you absolutely want a second child but it won't necessarily be with him, so you'd better start making plans.

And don't get pregnant 'by accident'.

What an unbelievably stupid, callous, thoughtless and utterly untrue thing to say.

You realise some people stop at one because they have no choice? Suffer with secondary infertility? Forced to have oophorectomy or hysterectomy? Death of a significant other? Or for lots of other completely valid reasons? And you're accusing them of cruelty to their child!

I know lots of lovely, healthy and happy only children who managed just fine on their own. Just because you're so unpleasant that you can't form relationships outside your immediate family doesn't mean everyone else without siblings is doomed to die alone.

Christ give me strength.

His concerns are very valid. It’s interesting he feels the family is complete and combined with the cost of living concern it’s not hard to see why he wouldn’t want to change things. Only children are typically much happier than children with siblings. There is research on this. Having one child is very easy to manage for holidays and cost generally. But I would spend more time trying to get him see your perspective, particularly as this is something you wanted before and he agreed to.

Didn't you discuss all this before you got serious..I made it very clear to my hubby I wanted several children and if he didn't he wasn't the man I wanted to marry..Luckily he did to and now we have our big brood and I wouldn't have it any other way. I come from a large family and recently a parent passed away so suddenly and to have your siblings to rely on I cant explain how that support felt. That was always my fear having one child then there left on there own. But for me I couldn't have been with anyone that only wanted one. I'm sorry it's hard for you maybe it will work itself out

Oh so you want people to just agree with you? Poke holes in the condoms then? 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps you should all read the OP's last update.

He "hasnt been happy for 18 months" despite not saying a word to the OP to indicate that, and we all know what that means.