My husband doesn't want anymore children

[Kara344]

Hello all. I find myself in a situation I didn't expect to find myself in and with no one to talk to on the subject. My husband doesn't want anymore children and if I'm being honest I really do 💔
I hated being an only child as a child and I don't much like it as an adult. For me, it's been a very lonely experience and at times really hard. I'm not saying siblings are built in best friends because they aren't but there are benefits to them (someone to play with, someone to help with parents, someone to understand what it's like to have the parents you have).

I'm heartbroken and I have made my husband aware of this. It's going to take time for me to come around to this idea but ultimately I'd never force a baby on someone who doesn't want one - I don't think a baby is a maybe thing.

Can anyone share their experiences or give me an idea on how to cope with this change in my life plan? Please be gentle as I'm very emotional on the subject (maybe pathetic I know! But I just need time to adjust).

I was in this position OP so I really sympathise.

I really wanted a second baby to expand our family but also because I didn’t want our son to be an only child. I had been very close to my sister growing up so I knew how special it can be to have a sibling, whereas my DH saw no benefit to them whatsoever as he had no relationship with his brother at all. We were coming at it from completely different view points.

I did feel resentful towards him if I’m honest and it was really, really hard. I just couldn’t imagine never having a second child and I felt so confused towards him because he was the one who was stopping me from doing something that was so important to me.

Anyhow, we had many talks about the issue, each trying to explain how we felt and discuss how we could move forwards, and when our first child was about 2 years old he did then agree to another and although it took 14 months of TTC, we did then get our second baby.

It was tough though OP. I would never have left him over it, breaking up the marriage or splitting our family in two was never even on my radar, but if I’m honest I do think I would have always held some kind of resentment towards him if we hadn’t eventually agreed to try for a second.

I know my post isn’t particularly helpful, but I just wanted to reassure you that how you are feeling is probably extremely common and very understandable. I hope you manage to find a way forwards that works for you both.

I know a family who had originally talked about 2 children when first TTC. After first child dad wanted to stop. Loved first child and felt that was enough, couldn't share love between another. Mum managed to persuade him to have number 2. His favouritism for number one child was very obvious, he really struggled with the second child.

Thank you! I suppose it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Both my sibling and I would have been better off and only children. I’m vlc with them now and once my remaining parent dies will have nothing to
do with them again, which will be a huge relief.

Id concentrate on making your son's childhood as best it can be without a sibling.

OP, this site has plenty of posts from people who have siblings but have been left to deal with their parents care on their own.

I had 2 siblings and my cousin of the same age is an only child. She had a fantastic childhood. Mine not so much. My sister died aged 7 after a long illness and my brother became a drug addict from a young age which ended up in his death at 51. My parents broke up when I was 5 so there was that added to it all too. My Aunt and Uncle are still together 60 years later and now live in an extended house with my cousin and her family, having the time of their lives.

I know my experience is pretty extreme but what I’m trying to get across is, there are no guarantees. The reasons you want a child may very well not play out how you want them to.

Ideally I think both of you should spend a lot of time thinking and talking about why you want 2 children or 1 child.

Your desire for 2 - I can’t tell if it is really all about giving your child a sibling. If so I can point you to numerous examples of siblings who really don’t get on, downsides of having 2 (the squabbling!! So unenjoyable) etc.
However maybe the sibling reason is not your real reason, your real reason is just that you want another child. That’s ok. You don’t need to justify a desire for another any more than you needed to justify why you wanted one child. It’s just an inbuilt desire. But maybe if you take the sibling aspect out of the equation you might find it easier to come to terms with it.

His desire to stop at 1 - sounds like he is content as things are and doesn’t want to take the risk financially or rock the boat. Understandable. However has he considered that if you are unhappy because he moved the goalposts, he isn’t going to get a nice contented life? He has the choice between one child and a disappointed and resentful wife, or taking the risk of having 2. It doesn’t sound like it’s because he has found having a child really hard and doesn’t think he could cope with another. But worth exploring more with him his reasons, I think.

Basically if you both keep exploring your reasons it may be that one of you comes round to the other one’s way of thinking. Which is better, I think, than just accepting but continuing to feel resentment.

As a pp said, your child is very young. You might find if you revisit this conversation in 2-3 years, your husband will feel differently. Just make it clear that it’s a conversation you want to come back to - keep your baby stuff in the loft etc

I can wholeheartedly recommend counselling about this. Dh and I had a similar issue about me wanting another and him not and counselling gave us the ability to properly listen to each other and feel heard. No matter what happens with another baby if you want to stay together it can be a good way of reaching an understanding of how each other feels and how to move forward together

I agree with PP who suggested counselling. Either individual or couples (preferably both). Fwiw, I know lots of people with only children who seem really happy and the DC seem really happy too. More so on average (just anecdotally and imo) than people with 2+ DC.

I'd also not discount a larger age gap than planned (if you have time age wise) if your DH ends up needing a bit more time. I think we (as in parents or would be parents) have this vision of 2 happy DC 2-3 years apart in age and it's totally possible for things to be different but just as good/happy/positive.

I've been castigated on here before for what I did but I don't regret it.

We had agreed on two. He back tracked.

I said I wanted another child and that I wasn't going to do anything to stop it.
If he didn't want a child he could
A. Use condoms
B. Have a vasectomy
C. Abstain

But it would be his choice if we had another child.

We had another child.

Unfortunately this appears to be a lot deeper than met the eye originally as he is now saying that he is unhappy and has been for 18 months. Not what I thought was going on at all!

Going to bow out - thank you for all your posts ❤️

I think it would ultimately end the relationship for me, if they knew how much I wanted one an had discussed it very clearly on in your relationship but then they have changed their mind ? For what reasons exactly ? Unless its for health or some deeply psychological ones, and it’s more around lifestyle, money etc then I think it’s quite cruel on you tbh. I think if you have those urges /needs to have more than one child it’s very hard to just accept and move on as it’s so utterly fundamental to your life.

Edit : I hope you are ok

I want to add that he could change his mind my husband did as our oldest child grew up and got easier to manage. However your latest post says he may not be happy generally. I hope you sort through things.

Oh no.....the rewriting of history is really not a good sign at all.

There is something much bigger than not wanting another child going on here, and I am sorry to say it will not be anything good.

OP, imagine if you were physically unable to have a second child. You would be disappointed, but you would make the best of it. So that is what you do with the lovely husband and child that you already have.

It may not be easy, but you turn the negatives into positives.

Siblings can rock. Ours have a whale of a time together.

Im sorry of thats not helpful op, but I'm fed up of posts on threads like this where its constant negativity about siblings.

Of course not.allchrt on, but many do. Its verging on gaslighting the op to say otherwise.

Op, you need to really open up a straight and honest discussion with your partner explaining exactly how you feel.

We found having one more difficult than having two or three, if that helps. They play together and keep each other occupied alot of the time.

I hope you can find a way through this either way to be happy.

That’s a very different scenario.

this is essentially OP and her husband having entirely different outlooks on their child’s life. OP’s husband is happy for their child to never have anyone to share the care burden, to help out when OP and her husband die, to never have anyone there who understands what they are going through with the loss of a parent.

It’s possible your dh could change his mind as your dc is only 2. Things change.
But…
Firstly, even if your dh did want a second, pregnancy / child birth is never guaranteed, and if it didn’t work out would you then spend the rest of your life mourning an ideal?
Secondly, your experience of being an only child doesn’t sound particularly positive, but others have a different experience, & this is down to how to they are parented / brought up. So if your child is an only child it is your responsibility to give them the best life possible.

I say this as someone who grew up with close siblings and who thought if I had children I’d have 2. Well it hasn’t worked out like that and we have one & will not be having any more, &
I will do everything to make sure my LO always knows she is enough and enjoys her life.

That's just the fact, and you are asking for opinions.
Considering your existing child is paramount, surely?

I know of someone who did this. She did end up with the third child only it was with a new man, the breaking up of the family affected the existing children and she now bemoans about not having a pot to piss in.

He hasn't necessarily had time to miss the baby stage yet.

We were both always keen on two but after the first and a fairly traumatic surgery for my husband, we were uncertain about having another.

Life was fine and we were all content. But eventually we became a bit lax about preventing one (and struggled with first) and four years later fate decided for us. We were both scared of actively saying yes we'll do it so this worked for us.

I was still concerned the age gap wouldn't work, different sexes but they have been the absolute best of friends.

While pregnant I saw my poor MIL dealing with the death of her dad and it felt sad not to have a sibling to share the burden.

We were never keen on the two to get into car seats, having a double buggy etc but once that stage eased, it became easier to think about another.

I see a lot of assumption that beyond a two year age gap they won't be friends but that's not my experience. They don't compete (in the way I did with my sister) and really support each other.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope you're ok.

You have absolutely romanticised it. Siblings aren't guaranteed to get on at all. My brother and I also fought like cat and dog and we only get on now to some extent in our thirties. A friend of mine was sexually abused by her brother and that ripped the whole family apart as you can imagine.

So sorry to hear this OP