Page 9 | Is 4 kids too many?

Mumsie2024 · 2025-02-14T23:52:09+00:00

Hi, would like to know your thoughts? is 4 kids a step too far? Currently have 3 kids and thinking I’d like a 4th but not sure if it’s hormones! What's the verdict?

Original poster

Mumsie2024 · 17/02/2025 14:09

DoItBetter · 17/02/2025 14:04

My four are adults and are very close to each other. Unusually so think. They were born in fairly quick succession so it was a bit hectic at times. I loved it though. We had enough to have a cleaner and to not worry about the extra costs. Four feels like a lot often.
I think it's mostly down to luck though as it depends on the temperament of the kids you get. Look at the millions of threads where posters dont get on with their siblings on Mumsnet.

Totally agree with you here! Some people
with 2 or less kids ask me how do I manage with 3. The difference, in ONE way (there are other reasons too), is the kids temperament. I am lucky that my kids have no behavioural issues and are not neurodivergent which can be why some people stop at a certain number of kids IMO.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 14:13

I wonder if people who like big families expect their children to grow up like weeds in the chaos. Sprinkle some water and hope for the best, even if a few struggle and fall by the wayside. At least they had the opportunity to grow up in the field with others and basic needs met.

People who like fewer children prefer to invest more time and effort in a more controlled environment as parents in order to cultivate bonsai and support wider needs, if required.

Original poster

Mumsie2024 · 17/02/2025 14:21

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 14:13

I wonder if people who like big families expect their children to grow up like weeds in the chaos. Sprinkle some water and hope for the best, even if a few struggle and fall by the wayside. At least they had the opportunity to grow up in the field with others and basic needs met.

People who like fewer children prefer to invest more time and effort in a more controlled environment as parents in order to cultivate bonsai and support wider needs, if required.

Wow, that is a generalisation isn’t it. You clearly have a judgement against larger families.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 14:24

Mumsie2024 · 17/02/2025 14:21

Wow, that is a generalisation isn’t it. You clearly have a judgement against larger families.

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It is not an unfounded stance and is partly based on the views of supporters of larger families on this thread.

doodahdayy · 17/02/2025 14:32

ValentineValentineV · 17/02/2025 13:00

So should poor people who don’t even have their own house deposit not have DC?

According to mn, no!

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 14:34

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 14:13

I wonder if people who like big families expect their children to grow up like weeds in the chaos. Sprinkle some water and hope for the best, even if a few struggle and fall by the wayside. At least they had the opportunity to grow up in the field with others and basic needs met.

People who like fewer children prefer to invest more time and effort in a more controlled environment as parents in order to cultivate bonsai and support wider needs, if required.

We are only talking four here, not 300 kids and counting. Perhaps you would struggle to attend to the needs of four but that isn't a universal limitation.

Original poster

Mumsie2024 · 17/02/2025 14:35

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 14:34

We are only talking four here, not 300 kids and counting. Perhaps you would struggle to attend to the needs of four but that isn't a universal limitation.

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You hit the nail on the head here!

OP posts:

User0103 · 17/02/2025 14:40

Mumsie2024 · 15/02/2025 14:01

@WeeOrcadian I never said it was my job to populate the world. People on the thread are just going on about the environment and I’m just saying my beliefs are different.
But anyways it’s not a factor in my mind at all when making this decision about my family. I’m just interested to hear people who already have 4 kids and how they find it.

I’m one of the children in this scenario. Please don’t do this. You may have the financial resources, but time is a resource that is evenly distributed among everyone.

You might think they are a great gang- they might think “well I never felt like an individual.” also if you have another boy, you will have to cope with him working out that he is a failed girl.

It’s all well and good asking mothers who have made the decision. But perhaps you would be better served by asking adults who lived through it as children what they think- unless of course their experiences are of no real interest to you.

dibdabdog · 17/02/2025 14:49

Whoops! I'm waiting to see if I have secured a housing association property, so I wonder where that leaves me and my four? The undeserving poor, maybe?
Funnily enough, I never felt the need to leave them to their own devices and hope for the best, as @blueshoes surmises.
As far as cultivating them, they grew up in a house full of books and conversation, love the outdoors, are brave and resourceful, have beautiful manners and are engaged with the world.
They are growing into lovely young adults, and just thinking of them makes me smile.
They have had hand me downs, cheap clothes, and very few paid clubs/hobbies.
One is a gifted artist and general polymath, one is an academic, one is a fluent linguist, singer and artist and one is a rufty tufty comedian and master of logic.
But most importantly of all, they are all kind and have huge hearts.
And I am on UC,PIP and LCWRA. So what? None of us should be defined according to our net worth.
Love never grows small, it expands for each child, and seeing my children grow up together in their own little gang is the most beautiful experience of my life. I consider myself rich and they are my treasure.

ValentineValentineV · 17/02/2025 14:51

dibdabdog · 17/02/2025 14:49

Whoops! I'm waiting to see if I have secured a housing association property, so I wonder where that leaves me and my four? The undeserving poor, maybe?
Funnily enough, I never felt the need to leave them to their own devices and hope for the best, as @blueshoes surmises.
As far as cultivating them, they grew up in a house full of books and conversation, love the outdoors, are brave and resourceful, have beautiful manners and are engaged with the world.
They are growing into lovely young adults, and just thinking of them makes me smile.
They have had hand me downs, cheap clothes, and very few paid clubs/hobbies.
One is a gifted artist and general polymath, one is an academic, one is a fluent linguist, singer and artist and one is a rufty tufty comedian and master of logic.
But most importantly of all, they are all kind and have huge hearts.
And I am on UC,PIP and LCWRA. So what? None of us should be defined according to our net worth.
Love never grows small, it expands for each child, and seeing my children grow up together in their own little gang is the most beautiful experience of my life. I consider myself rich and they are my treasure.

Yes you are on the non house deposit non pony owning sector I am afraid.

Btowngirl · 17/02/2025 15:00

dibdabdog · 17/02/2025 14:49

Whoops! I'm waiting to see if I have secured a housing association property, so I wonder where that leaves me and my four? The undeserving poor, maybe?
Funnily enough, I never felt the need to leave them to their own devices and hope for the best, as @blueshoes surmises.
As far as cultivating them, they grew up in a house full of books and conversation, love the outdoors, are brave and resourceful, have beautiful manners and are engaged with the world.
They are growing into lovely young adults, and just thinking of them makes me smile.
They have had hand me downs, cheap clothes, and very few paid clubs/hobbies.
One is a gifted artist and general polymath, one is an academic, one is a fluent linguist, singer and artist and one is a rufty tufty comedian and master of logic.
But most importantly of all, they are all kind and have huge hearts.
And I am on UC,PIP and LCWRA. So what? None of us should be defined according to our net worth.
Love never grows small, it expands for each child, and seeing my children grow up together in their own little gang is the most beautiful experience of my life. I consider myself rich and they are my treasure.

Beautiful read!

TheaBrandt1 · 17/02/2025 15:24

Hmm. All very rose tinted spectacles. Would rather have two I can fund through university without bankrupting myself personally.

Original poster

Mumsie2024 · 17/02/2025 15:28

TheaBrandt1 · 17/02/2025 15:24

Hmm. All very rose tinted spectacles. Would rather have two I can fund through university without bankrupting myself personally.

Oh jeez we are going round in circles again. Wish I could just end his thread now!

OP posts:

Ph3 · 17/02/2025 15:36

SilverDoe · 17/02/2025 07:59

Why does everyone talk about uni costs for their DC in the UK? Is it a middle class thing?

I'm working class and nobody I knew who went to uni got financial help from their parents. They got student loans, part time jobs and some lived at home and commuted instead of living in student accommodation.

It’s not a middle class thing. I had the same as you mentioned but want different for my kids. Things are getting harder (and if we believe the news it’s not letting up any time soon!) so I want to make sure my kids don’t have the struggles I have had. Life is hard enough without money problems and worrying how you are going to make rent so for us we made the decision to support our kids way into adulthood and we’re happy with that. Of course not everyone believes the same - or can do the same but wouldn’t put it as a middle class thing.

Ph3 · 17/02/2025 15:51

ValentineValentineV · 17/02/2025 13:00

So should poor people who don’t even have their own house deposit not have DC?

Well I think being poor and not having a house deposit are two different things. And it sort of depends on what you value.

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 16:13

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 14:34

We are only talking four here, not 300 kids and counting. Perhaps you would struggle to attend to the needs of four but that isn't a universal limitation.

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Is hyperbole the order of the day? Let's take arguments to the point of absurdity because you don't have any other valid way to counter them.

Pop out as many as you wish but don't deny that children are expensive and time consuming. Otherwise, you have just confirmed the weed-watering approach.

IndiganDop · 17/02/2025 16:14

3 of my 4 will go through uni, the 4th has the offer but hasn't wanted to take it up yet.
We won't be bankrupted, or even particularly poor, though we have both always worked in professional roles.

And tbh I do quite like the weed watering approach idea. Our kids have quite a lot of freedom of expectation. Our eldest is quite severely impacted by autism so pressure for results, top class uni, all that stuff never particularly mattered. The younger 3 are all doing well because they are completely accepted and totally loved. Even if we don't have a house in Tuscany or go skiing every year.

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 16:17

dibdabdog · 17/02/2025 14:49

Whoops! I'm waiting to see if I have secured a housing association property, so I wonder where that leaves me and my four? The undeserving poor, maybe?
Funnily enough, I never felt the need to leave them to their own devices and hope for the best, as @blueshoes surmises.
As far as cultivating them, they grew up in a house full of books and conversation, love the outdoors, are brave and resourceful, have beautiful manners and are engaged with the world.
They are growing into lovely young adults, and just thinking of them makes me smile.
They have had hand me downs, cheap clothes, and very few paid clubs/hobbies.
One is a gifted artist and general polymath, one is an academic, one is a fluent linguist, singer and artist and one is a rufty tufty comedian and master of logic.
But most importantly of all, they are all kind and have huge hearts.
And I am on UC,PIP and LCWRA. So what? None of us should be defined according to our net worth.
Love never grows small, it expands for each child, and seeing my children grow up together in their own little gang is the most beautiful experience of my life. I consider myself rich and they are my treasure.

Sounds like a rose-tinted wet dream from the parents' angle.

Ask the child what they think. Actually, why bother because the child's perspective of growing up with a big family on benefits can never be as important as compared to their parents thinking they have big hearts.

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 16:19

Sounds like a rose-tinted wet dream from the parents' angle.

Grim. Maybe children aren't for you?

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 16:22

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 16:19

Sounds like a rose-tinted wet dream from the parents' angle.

Grim. Maybe children aren't for you?

@Upstartled I shall quote you:

"What you have missed here, in your attempt to make your point personal, is the difference between my own capacity to support my children and my opinion that people shouldn't be nagged and heckled to consider a house deposit as a necessity in considering whether they can afford a child."

I presume you did not mean to make it 'personal' as against me.

I am a fine parent, thank you for your concern.

IndiganDop · 17/02/2025 16:23

My eldest and youngest are out at the park right now planting out a horse chestnut sapling that one of them has had growing in a pot for about 4 years. They are so excited.

I don't think for one minute that if you asked them the 10 worst things about their experiences growing up that being 1 of 4 kids would be mentioned by any of them.

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 16:23

No. That absolutely was personal. It's really grotty and inappropriate to refer to a mother's experience with her children as a wet dream. It's a disgrace.

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 16:27

IndiganDop · 17/02/2025 16:23

My eldest and youngest are out at the park right now planting out a horse chestnut sapling that one of them has had growing in a pot for about 4 years. They are so excited.

I don't think for one minute that if you asked them the 10 worst things about their experiences growing up that being 1 of 4 kids would be mentioned by any of them.

You clearly ignored some of the posters on this thread who gave negative views of their experiences of growing up in a big family.

But that seems to be par for the course for a big family because the parents' rose-tinted views of a big 'gang' or 'brood' are all important, much less the individual child's views of growing up with resources having to be spread thin.

PS there is no reason a smaller family cannot go out and plant a tree, if they so wished. Not sure what that example adds.

blueshoes · 17/02/2025 16:28

Upstartled · 17/02/2025 16:23

No. That absolutely was personal. It's really grotty and inappropriate to refer to a mother's experience with her children as a wet dream. It's a disgrace.

Sorry, you had to stoop to a personal attack. The wet dream refers to the fact that it is clearly one-sided from the parents' perspective.

pearbottomjeans · 17/02/2025 16:29

TheaBrandt1 · 17/02/2025 15:24

Hmm. All very rose tinted spectacles. Would rather have two I can fund through university without bankrupting myself personally.

What if someone has 3 or 4 they can support through uni, help buy houses, take on multiple holidays a year, facilitate playing all the instruments, buy them each a car…. Is that OK then? Or should the parents still only have 2 and give each child double what they would had there been 4 kids? What about parents who only have 1 kid but can’t afford to send them to uni and don’t even own their own house let alone helping their only child get on the ladder? Who’s more worthy and doing it right? Exactly, there is no right.