Is 4 kids too many?

[Mumsie2024]

Hi, would like to know your thoughts?
is 4 kids a step too far? Currently have 3 kids and thinking I’d like a 4th but not sure if it’s hormones!
What's the verdict?

i think it is but i'm a lone parent if i had my time again i wouldn't have 4

It isn't your job to 'repopulate' the world

It IS your job to ensure your existing children are given equal and adequate love, time and attention. Would you be able to do that, whilst working, and with another child (or more, you could have multiples)?

We had 3, and planned a 4th and final.... but had twins! So be prepared for 5!

@WeeOrcadian I never said it was my job to populate the world. People on the thread are just going on about the environment and I’m just saying my beliefs are different.
But anyways it’s not a factor in my mind at all when making this decision about my family. I’m just interested to hear people who already have 4 kids and how they find it.

It isn't your job to 'repopulate' the world

Well an extra dc won't do that 🤣🤣

i really wanted a fourth when mine were all young and felt like adding another baby into a house full of preschoolers/toddlers and babies would not have been that big of a change.

Now they are teens/preteens I’m so glad I didn’t because their needs are so much more mentally and logistically complex and I feel spread very thin even amongst three.

Just saw you work and your DH is a pilot.

I don't know how you would ever have any time for yourself, to be a woman who isn't at that point in time also carrying out the duties of an employee or a mother. Unless you have round the clock help? How do you manage all the ferrying around to and from school, to and from extra curricular and medical appointments and friends' houses? Shopping and laundry and cooking and admin? You could have 4 people dependent on you for competing things, you'd need more than two au pairs or nannies by the time they're all in primary and secondary.

Mostly though, when do you ever get time to just be yourself?! To see your friends, go to the gym, read a book, go for a walk, visit family without children in tow etc.

@Onlyonekenobe im not an single parent. My husband and I are a team and we do it between us. We have a good childcare system.
i think you presume my husband is away all the time but if anything he’s home more than not and certainly home than anyone who works 9-5.

@Onlyonekenobe but fair point about time for myself. I don’t have much time to get to a gym so have to do things at home (if I can be bothered!!). It dont have much now to myself so don’t think I’d have much of a change of lifestyle change with a 4th.

My DH is from a family of four children. His parents had two close together, a gap of nearly five years, and then two more close together.

I think that enabled them to give all four attention and presumably spread out the financial commitment as well.

I think people with small children, who you can make decisions for re how they spend their time, forget that those small children grow into big children who want to make their own decisions. No, they don't want to go out because they justifiably are exhausted after the week they've had. No, they don't want to miss out on xyz because they did that last time because of sinking #2 and it's not fair they should miss out again today because of sibling #3. Sibling #4 is totally under the weather so one parent has to stay at home so no the other can't be in three places at the same time. And so on.

I've seen these very things in my family. You have to give up any hope of everyone getting what they need, let alone want, when there are 6 of you. It's a different way to live. Fine, perhaps, for the adults. Less fine for the children who had no say in any of it.

I’m one of four and I loved it. I think four is the max tbh. I was youngest though. I think it can be harder on the older/middle ones? Also depends how they’re spaced. I have a cousins with 4 and there are 3-4 years between each so I don’t think anyone feels squeezed out

If you have lots of money and help, and it's what you want, go for it.

@AlmosttimeforChristmas DH’s family is close as well, because the age gaps are irrelevant once everyone is an adult.

no way would I have four. I can sort of understand the need for bonus baby number 3 but 4 is a whole new level of practical
complications. Just in terms of a car for starters. Plus cost, and energy (I am run ragged ferrying my 2 dc about to various clubs) not to mention the environmental impact of that extra person and their future offspring

Oh and do you have a five bedroom house?

I think it’s fine for younger kids to share and mine did for years but my kids now hugely appreciate having their own space

Well, of course if you are run ragged looking after two, then you'd struggle with four. Given the op has extra capacity with three and considering a fourth, then she clearly isn't struggling like you are.

What are you asking for?

It’s a fair point but I never used to be when my two were smaller. It’s only since my son got into playing football and matches from age 7ish that I’ve been run ragged.

Well, I have two late teens and a pre-teen and I don't think I've ever felt run ragged. It helps to have a hands-on dh.

I have 3 wonderful boys and while I know you can’t plan it, the opportunity to have a girl would be amazing. I would love to see my boys growing up with a younger sister to protect.

Oh. There we have it. Girls don’t need boys to protect them by the way.

I went for 3 and a kitten,I love my four boys!

I know this question wasn’t directed at me but answering in case it’s helpful. I’m the youngest of 4. 2 years betweeen me and next sibling. Almost 8 years til the next sibling. That sibling did a LOT of childcare for me as my brother was only 2 when I was born. I think it was a lot for her to deal with but has meant we are very close. I would suggest 3 years ideally between your third and fourth. Gives you a bit of a breather and means everyone gets some attention as babies, and with 3 years ideally between them they can still play together . My cousin has three or for years between most of her children and only two years between her last two children and I’ve really noticed that second to last child getting shoved out of the way when she’s just a baby herself. It’s sad

As pp have said, it's a very individual choice. I'm from a big family. There was enough money, but not nearly enough affection and attention. Our parents were just spread too thinly, and got very tired m
If you can give time, attention and care to them equally, as individuals, that's fine. I had a sister who was very demanding so I slipped under the radar. None of my siblings have had more than one child!

Yes, it does seem a strange reason to have a 4th! It could be another boy, of course.