Am I addicted to having babies?

[flyingbeet]

Please no judgement. Since I was young I've begged and cried my mum to give me a younger sibling (which I never got) I've always wanted to have a baby. The desire was much stronger than any career aspirations or goals I had in life. When I got married Dh and I agreed we would wait at least a year before trying. I had to graduate and we wanted it to just be the two of us. However I would hate that secretly I wanted to accidentally fall pregnant so bad. I thought I wouldn't mind being pregnant while going to university. It got to a point where I would over analyse my symptoms every month and take pregnancy tests even though we weren't trying to get pregnant and were using protection. Dh and I finally decided to start trying after a year-year and a half and we got pregnant after 2 months. I was so happy and even tho I didn't have an easy pregnancy (subchorionic hematoma bleeding, constant nausea/vomiting, gestational diabetes, pelvic girdle pain and having to be induced because placenta wasn't working anymore) and I don't have an 'easy' baby, I still want to be pregnant again. I'm only 3 months postpartum and was thinking it could just be the hormones but as explained I've always felt like this. Of course logically I know it would be bad to get pregnant because my body needs to heal and it will cause complications during my pregnancy. Also Dh doesn't want to have a second just yet. But I think I'm going to go back to being 'crazy' and overanalyzing my symptoms every month and taking a pregnancy test. Basically staying in the same sort of anxious headspace you're in when you're desperately trying to conceive.

To add on, this part I probably will get judgement for, but the 5 months before me and Dh started to try and have a baby we were just using the pull out method. It worked well for us because when we did actively try I got pregnant within two months. However I know that the pull out method is not contraception and even Dh knew the risks of it and he was fine taking that risk. After baby we have continued the pull out method and obviously I'm fine with it because my silly brain would like if I got pregnant but I think Dh is under the impression that the pull out game works for us. Am I being unfair by not highlighting to him that we can still very much get pregnant?

I don’t think that the majority do, some people are really amazing mums with fab maternal urges and that is their life purpose ,they do an amazing job, but for others I think sometimes it’s an internal lack and trying to fill a gap…hence why you often see people from certain social backgrounds have kids really early whereas women who have access to more educational opportunities and hence career / finance choices perhaps less so. Probably Sue and Noel from 22 kids are a prime example of a “ filling the gap “ mentality!

@Drfosters its abnormal to want a baby from such a young age, and abnormal to want a baby so soon after having given birth. The vast majority of women are not baby obsessed in this way.

That must be down to a postage failure! 😀

I have three with roughly 16 months between them so get the whole combo of eldest and middle or middle and youngest.

@Strawberrycheesecake7 honestly try to imagine 4 big teenagers. I can’t underestimate how much more my house is worn down or how much the workload has increased with food and the expense, me and dh are very much a team , I love a tidy clean /house and I’m very organized. However I just couldn’t imagine the workload of older kids and I think it’s a common misconception , everyone goes on and on when pregnant about how much work newborns and toddlers are , honestly my hours was immaculate with small kids , everything was easier , more time in the evenings. Our evenings are gone , driving around to places , there’s so so much mental load with older kids. I absolutely love having 3 and I wouldn’t change it but just to remember they get a whole lot bigger and the impact is much bigger !!

Having lots of young children at the same time is not a good idea.

My grandmother used to say "never have more children than hands, if hands need to be held". So not more than 2 under 7 ISH. And you definitely don't want two (or more) under 5 with both children crawling and running in opposite directions.

If you like the baby stage so much why not move into working within a nursery or being a nanny?

As for being addicted, that depends on what has happened to you in your life and your general MH.

You're upping the risk of serious complications to both you and any second baby if you were to fall pregnant now. You really need to give your body 18 months to recover. Being the parent of a severely disabled child probably isn't what you're aiming for.

^ this. There is something missing in your life that you have been so desperate for so long. Please consider the child you already have. My dd has had 4 in 4 years and her kids are dearly loved but tbh their standard of living is far from great. They are fed and clothed and loved but there is zero 1-1 times and it means me and my DH have had to do far more to help than we would have chosen.

That's a great saying.

You may be addicted to having babies (unlikely) but how addicted to spotty teenagers? Cos I'm afraid that's where those babies go.

Get trained up and work in a nursery or school?

Do you not spend much time around women?🙄

I also think due to the kind of pregnancy you had last time and assuming that your next pregnancy could be similar that's very unfair on your little one to chose to be potentially very ill while your infant is so dependant on you.
Also have you seen the cost of childcare? (I appreciate you may have planned to be a SAHM) lots of families I know deliberately plan their child so they aren't having to pay 2 or more lots of nursery fees at the same time as they just couldn't afford it on-top of running a household

How is a large family calm though?
I come from a large family, and now I'm older happy I did, but calm? Nope, can't remember any calm.

What I'm going to strongly advise you to consider from my own personal experience is this:

• there is an upper limit to the number of children you want to have
• if you have babies back-to-back, you will reach that limit far sooner and the phase of your life which entails being pregnant and having babies will therefore be over, far sooner

I love the stage of pregnancy and babies, it feels like a magical time in life (as well as a totally exhausting one of course). If you feel the same way I would advise the following: don't rush through it, draw it out.

I actually think having babies very close together works better for those who don't enjoy that stage and what to get it "over and done with" quicker.

There'll be two years between mine and honestly I only planned it like this purely because I don't have age on my side - and I will be absolutely stopping after two. One alone has put tremendous strain on what I always felt was a pretty rock solid marriage. I personally wouldn't risk a third - for my marriage, health inc mental health and I'd just be spread too thin between three tbh. I know not everyone feels that way and like they could Maman get more.

I agree. And you can read the hand holding in a metaphorical way too as DC grow older.

*manage more

Careful that you don’t get to 50 and find that you’ve poured everything into developing your children and haven’t developed yourself. With kindness, get a hobby.

We had three under three, them felt done.

Unbelievably tough for a few years, but worth it.

Would do it all again, they're really close and verging on triplets really.