Am I addicted to having babies?

[flyingbeet]

Please no judgement. Since I was young I've begged and cried my mum to give me a younger sibling (which I never got) I've always wanted to have a baby. The desire was much stronger than any career aspirations or goals I had in life. When I got married Dh and I agreed we would wait at least a year before trying. I had to graduate and we wanted it to just be the two of us. However I would hate that secretly I wanted to accidentally fall pregnant so bad. I thought I wouldn't mind being pregnant while going to university. It got to a point where I would over analyse my symptoms every month and take pregnancy tests even though we weren't trying to get pregnant and were using protection. Dh and I finally decided to start trying after a year-year and a half and we got pregnant after 2 months. I was so happy and even tho I didn't have an easy pregnancy (subchorionic hematoma bleeding, constant nausea/vomiting, gestational diabetes, pelvic girdle pain and having to be induced because placenta wasn't working anymore) and I don't have an 'easy' baby, I still want to be pregnant again. I'm only 3 months postpartum and was thinking it could just be the hormones but as explained I've always felt like this. Of course logically I know it would be bad to get pregnant because my body needs to heal and it will cause complications during my pregnancy. Also Dh doesn't want to have a second just yet. But I think I'm going to go back to being 'crazy' and overanalyzing my symptoms every month and taking a pregnancy test. Basically staying in the same sort of anxious headspace you're in when you're desperately trying to conceive.

To add on, this part I probably will get judgement for, but the 5 months before me and Dh started to try and have a baby we were just using the pull out method. It worked well for us because when we did actively try I got pregnant within two months. However I know that the pull out method is not contraception and even Dh knew the risks of it and he was fine taking that risk. After baby we have continued the pull out method and obviously I'm fine with it because my silly brain would like if I got pregnant but I think Dh is under the impression that the pull out game works for us. Am I being unfair by not highlighting to him that we can still very much get pregnant?

I don’t think you are addicted- you are just suffering from biology! it completely natural. Pretty much everyone feels that way and most mammals. It is how species reproduce.

but good parents are the ones who use their heads to override these feelings to make rational choices about when and how many children they have. You need to think it through as as many people have pointed out babies grow into children and into adults and they need you are every stage and every extra baby reduces resources (time and money for the next).

it is very telling that pretty much everyone I know that was the eldest of 3 or more children had 0-2 babies themselves. Just bear that in mind and be sure you have them for the right reasons and not just hormones.

You sound exactly like me OP. I don’t think women especially like to hear it now because ‘feminism.’ I was always desperate to be a mother. I’ve ended up with 3, with 2 years between each of them. I would have had probably one more but my DH was done. They are 7, 5 and 3 now. I love being a mum. I’m going to train in something pregnancy/baby related now because that is my calling. I just love it all!

I am the eldest of three, as is dh. 🤷

Most people do have fewer children now - usually because they are hamstrung by the cost of housing and childcare. I think it's some leap to suggest that as observation is indicative of a cautionary tale.

It sounds like you have plenty of time to grow your family, so enjoy your little one, they change so much in this year and being pregnant can be tricky with a tiny one (ny sister got pregnant 3 months pp and had a horrendous time of it, there's 1 year 8 days between her two. The firstborn has speech delays and the second had severe reflux) and when she was pregnant and first was an age to start babbling she had severe sickness so relied on tv on all day and couldn't interact as much with him so although it probably had no bearing, she now has so much guilt for not having that time with him as she was suffering with a tricky pregnancy.

This next year is magic, enjoy your changing bubs and then when the time is right you can enjoy the next one knowing so much about the fjrst year and feeling armed with so much knowledge!

I have four (my youngest is 2 months old). I honestly am scared I will never feel 'done' and it isn't just babies...I love all the ages (my eldest is 10). I just love having kids. We are so fortunate that financially we don't struggle and the children can all have their own bedroom. Oh and it's also helps that I don't need to work (I do work part time but have been thinking about stopping to be a SAHM).

My husband and I have discussed having one more. We shall see.

@JumperStripes - ideological twaddle.

Of course it MAY happen like that, or they may be completely and utterly different, fight like cat and dog from dawn to dusk...

It does sound like an obsession for the OP.

OP, have you reflected on what it is that makes you so obsessed to have another so quickly, when it sounds like you're relatively young?

Well maybe so. I spoke to one about it and she said it was simply she wanted to do loads of things as a child like ballet and sports but her mum said no as she had 2 younger siblings and she couldn’t ferry them all about and couldn’t afford for them to all do activities. So my friend said she was sticking at 2 so they could do all the activities. If your kids are doing all that then great!

Every family is different. It isn’t a judgement thing but just my experience. The point being is you can provide for every single child then go for it and have as many as you like but every single extra child should not take away from the oldest. Every child you have should be fully costed up and not be based on hormones and love of babies.

I can see a few less than positive comments about small age gaps so just wanted to chime in. Although I'm not in any way advocating that you try to conceive at 3 months post partum!

My two boys are 15 months apart and it's so special. We had trouble conceiving DS1 so didn't want to wait too long for DS2, and to our delight, we conceived when I was 6 months pp. I'm so glad.

They're still tiny but I can't wait for them to go through life together, enjoying the various stages at the same time. Them being so close in age will make life so much easier.

Yes being pregnant with a baby was hard. Yes it's tough having a small baby and a toddler. But my personal preference is to get the hard years out of the way in one go! Good luck in whatever you decide op. Enjoy it all x

Just to add that I know there's a slight increase in risk when you have two pregnancies close together. But neither my midwife nor my consultant (who I was seeing for unrelated medical condition) batted an eyelid. And this was following a C-section! In fact, I raised it myself and they just shrugged it off as a non-issue.

you’ll be glad of that small age gap because they will be genuine best friends going through the same things together.

This is very naïve. This is absolutely not always the outcome.

I know several sets of siblings who are NC/do not like each other.

I think you need to start taking a reliable method of contraception, so you know that pregnancy is not possible (or very unlikely). And focus on your existing baby, you’re very fortunate to have that baby and you will never get this time with them again. If you’re struggling; consider some counselling to help you be more present and mindful.

Hormones are all over the place after a baby and it’s not unusual to feel like you want another so I’d give it a few months yet and enjoy this precious time.
That said, I had 15 months between my first two and then had two more quite quickly. So I had 4 under 6. We loved it! Yes it was chaos at times but it was so much fun. They’re all in their twenties now. I do look back and wonder how we did it sometimes but none of them seem too scarred by the experience!

This is a very unhelpful thing to say. There’s no guarantees that any siblings will get on, regardless of age gap. It’s well known that waiting a year to get pregnant again is safer for mum and baby, physically and mentally.

Enjoy the time with your new baby. Second and third pregnancies are difficult, not because of the symptoms but the sheer lack of time to rest or take care of yourself.

I love my kids but even taking a shower is a mission. Toddlers show no mercy. Then there's work and childcare costs which are twice the cost of the mortgage..

Imagine getting on a treadmill that only ever speeds up.. 😂❤️Best way I can describe it.

I think you’re being too self-critical by labelling yourself as problematic in some way for having these thoughts. Everyone can go a bit mad TTC due to the uncertainty of whether you’re pregnant or not (and wishing to be).

Due to using the pull out method rather than more reliable contraception you’re left with constant uncertainty as the fact is that you might be pregnant from that.

It’s fine to want another baby but equally you will benefit from getting a grip of anxious thoughts so you can really enjoy life in the present.

A woman I knew was one of 11 {eleven}

She hated it. Never enough attention to go around.

Her mother was a selfish baby addict.

Baby hormones are addictive on purpose - it's nature way of making sure we have lots of them. But do take your time, enjoy the baby you have for now. Don't let the hormones rule you - you can acknowledge how you feel without acting upon it.

@JumperStripes Fingers crossed eh 😆

Pop out some Irish Twins! two under a year... lovely... sure your poor ole fanny won't mind!

Your husband can't get pregnant. Only you can.

I get the hormones are strong. There's nothing more lovely than the squishy baby bit (for a lot of people anyway) but you have a lot more stages to come so I would wait for a bit longer. I have 2ish years between each of mine, I have 3 kids. My eldest is about to turn 7 my youngest is 2. DH and I are NON STOP. I meant that sincerely. There is NO time left. We adore them, we would never change it, but it's not to be sniffed at either. And yes there are often conversations of 'shall we not do this' because we can't work out the logistics of managing all 3 somewhere. I'm one of four though (and youngest) and I don't look back on my childhood feeling hard done by, and we didn't have a fancy upbringing by any measure..I wondered if we'd have 4 after our 3rd was done but by the time she was around 1 year old instead of feeling the urge to try all over again, I genuinely felt done. I feel very content with our family of 5, I can't imagine life without our youngest but definitely don't want anymore.

I hope you figure it all out too.

But as you know, the pull out method is not contraception 🫢

I think you need psychiatric help, rather than to ignore and hope this obsession goes away. There is nothing wrong with wanting a baby but this sounds more like you want a pregnancy and the baby at the end just doesn’t really matter.

I feel exactly the same. I’ve been obsessed with the idea of having a baby since I was about four years old. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I have a 15 month old little boy now who is everything I ever dreamed of. I always thought the yearning for a baby would go away when I actually had one, at least for a while until I was ready to give them a sibling. But I’ve been desperate to be pregnant again since the moment he was born. I’m fighting it for now because logically I never wanted children really close in age and I’m unsure how well I would cope. But the longing is always there and I don’t know if it will ever go away. My husband and I have agreed on a maximum of 4 children and I’m already worried I won’t want to stick to this and will keep wanting more and more babies. I really hope there will be a day that I just feel done having children, but I’ve felt this way my whole life so I can’t imagine ever feeling differently.

@Strawberrycheesecake7

most women feel this way. I accept not all but I know I wanted children from a young age. It is completely normal and biological.

The majority of us feel the same way as you. The urge rarely goes away for 99% of us but money and time is the decisive factor.

I do not agree that most women are obsessed with the idea of having a baby from a young age.