Am I addicted to having babies?

[flyingbeet]

Please no judgement. Since I was young I've begged and cried my mum to give me a younger sibling (which I never got) I've always wanted to have a baby. The desire was much stronger than any career aspirations or goals I had in life. When I got married Dh and I agreed we would wait at least a year before trying. I had to graduate and we wanted it to just be the two of us. However I would hate that secretly I wanted to accidentally fall pregnant so bad. I thought I wouldn't mind being pregnant while going to university. It got to a point where I would over analyse my symptoms every month and take pregnancy tests even though we weren't trying to get pregnant and were using protection. Dh and I finally decided to start trying after a year-year and a half and we got pregnant after 2 months. I was so happy and even tho I didn't have an easy pregnancy (subchorionic hematoma bleeding, constant nausea/vomiting, gestational diabetes, pelvic girdle pain and having to be induced because placenta wasn't working anymore) and I don't have an 'easy' baby, I still want to be pregnant again. I'm only 3 months postpartum and was thinking it could just be the hormones but as explained I've always felt like this. Of course logically I know it would be bad to get pregnant because my body needs to heal and it will cause complications during my pregnancy. Also Dh doesn't want to have a second just yet. But I think I'm going to go back to being 'crazy' and overanalyzing my symptoms every month and taking a pregnancy test. Basically staying in the same sort of anxious headspace you're in when you're desperately trying to conceive.

To add on, this part I probably will get judgement for, but the 5 months before me and Dh started to try and have a baby we were just using the pull out method. It worked well for us because when we did actively try I got pregnant within two months. However I know that the pull out method is not contraception and even Dh knew the risks of it and he was fine taking that risk. After baby we have continued the pull out method and obviously I'm fine with it because my silly brain would like if I got pregnant but I think Dh is under the impression that the pull out game works for us. Am I being unfair by not highlighting to him that we can still very much get pregnant?

Presumably your DH has had basic sex ed in school and is well aware the withdrawal method is not reliable contraception.

As regards the baby-lust, I'd suggest giving it a year to enjoy the baby you have (congrats). When they're under 6 months it's all cuteness and cuddles and can (CAN) feel easy. Once they're moving it's a different ball game and you might find it hard having a difficult pregnancy with an active baby/toddler.

To some people having babies is a hobby to others it is because they are seeking something that is missing in their life

I would do what you think is best for the children you have not yourself

Honestly give it a bit longer. Enjoy the baby that you have. I reckon 3-4 years age gap is the sweet spot!

OP beware. My dm was 'addicted' to having babies. She loved the baby stage, and all the attention she received as a new mum. She had six of us.

Unfortunately she wasn't so keen on the primary stage, when little people have opinions of their own, when everyone has stopped cooing and the reality of getting multiple children clean, fed, dressed and to school hits home. Or paying for multiple children. From the age of about six we were basically feral and not well provided for. It wasn't fun.

So maybe take a more responsible attitude. Proactively plan your family with your dh. It isn't something to leave to chance.

I'm the type that loves to read books on parenting and planning activities. Can't wait till she is older so I can do a lot more with her. I have a degree in education and worked in many schools and I loved it. Of course that is different to being a parent but what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to have a baby and then neglect them. I know it will be difficult to have a lot of young children but is it weird that I like the chaos.

I am going to wait a year or so because deep down I know it is not logical but until then I just need to distract my mind off this

I really think you need some therapy, how can you focus on your current baby with all of this in your head? Your husband really needs to give his head a wobble , my parent has 10 months between them and their next youngest sibling but they at least had the excuse of Catholicism…but it’s meant a terrible sibling relationship ,as you can imagine . It can also be detrimental to your marriage, I know a few couples whose marriages have broken up due to the stresses of managing young kids . Please try to enjoy your babies well spaced and value their individuality , honestly you don’t get that time back,there’s no rush if you are relatively young!

This was me but even more DC. OP when do you think you'll stop feeling this way?

From 8 years old, I never received a Birthday or Christmas gift. She never visited school and gave us no instruction for life. Be careful, you don't seem to realise you're producing human beings. Also the attention you get with your first is very different as time goes on. Then what are you left with?

It's quite telling that apart from me (I have 3DC with a gap of 12 years from 1-3) all of my siblings have only children.

@flyingbeet is it specifically the baby part? Do you yearn to be a mother to older children and teenagers. I have a close experience of someone who just loved the baby part and had lots of them but massively struggled with the other parts which is a huge, huge problem since they are only babies for an incredibly short period..
Babies are the easy bit imho , cuddly , portable , they don’t argue back etc etc . I have three dcs and have loved all stages but when I thought about having a family I also thought about having older children , teenagers , adult children. I would think about that , long-term. I don’t think it’s unusual at all for mothers to be broody after having a baby.

I agree with pp about the attention, when I had 3 children under 6 years old people would oooh and ahhh over how I did it etc etc , I felt like super mum juggling it all. When they are older no one cares tbh ! And the juggle is serious now , it’s a lot more full-on when they are grown functioning little people with all the stuff that come with teenagers etc. I have worked all my life with teenagers and really thought about having children / family not just the baby bit.

I’d focus on being a parent rather than just having babies.

Surely your husband has a basic understanding of human biology and knows that having sex, especially when unprotected and without any form of contraception, carries a risk of pregnancy.

*other people not old people!

You seem very focused on pregnancy rather than your actual baby?

I thought you were going to have a whole brood of children after that thread title. The hormones after having a baby can be pretty intense and not to be immediately trusted.

I wouldn't frame it as being addicted. Addicted would suggest that you intend to have children regardless of their well-being or your capacity or resources to care for them. I don't think that's this situation you describe. Broodiness is pretty intense and can take some wrangling but it's not some awful affliction that operates independent of reason.

I think it's pretty normal to be obsessed with babies when you have a newborn baby. I was after all of mine I have a 7month old, she is my third, and logically I know it would be a terrible idea to have any more babies, but holding my cute baby I just want endless babies. I go to goo over babies I see out and about..
In my experience as your baby gets older this settles down a bit. It's just hormones, nature's way of getting you super into caring for your child. Doesn't effect all women but it's very common.
I also don't think you sound unreasonable regarding anything tbh. You just want a second child but know your partner wants to wait. That's a normal situation. Wanting a second child isn't crazy, or am addiction.
I also have used the pull out method for almost all of my 10 year marriage
I do have 3 children but ironically the first was conceived whilst I was using contraception! I thought I should start as the pull out method isn't reliable lmao!! And then fell pregnant!
My DH has had the snip now. But I did cry when he had it done. I have a young baby and I fantasise about having 5, 6 , 7 kids.. but it's ridiculous I know. I'm far too old and poor for that. But it's still sad. Normal feelings I think.
Hopefully one day you'll be in a position to have your second baby.

Between wanting another baby and waiting for your current 3 month old to "get older", you are missing the stage she's in now, op. Enjoy your baby right now, she's only tiny.

I've got two girls with 16 months between them, when the older one is walking you'll want a bigger gap!!

One of the nicest things about being pregnant is people are generally a bit nicer to you. You feel cared for and nurtured. Family take extra care of you. The NHS makes an attempt to look after you rather than fob you off with “it’s a virus”. That’s all very enjoyable IMO, even if the pregnancy itself is quite rough.

Is that the kind of thing you’re yearning for, do you think?

Yeah, there is a part of me that always wishes I had so many children I'd need a dinner bell to call them all in for supper. Fortunately I have enough self preservation to rein that in and Dh had the snip after three 😂

As someone who fell pregnant 7 months pp by using similar slap-dash ‘contraception’, let me tell you that it is no joke. Looking after my now 9 month old whilst I’m struggling to keep dry toast and water down is not fun. I am getting old and it took us forever to conceive the first, this may be our last chance hence my decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. There are so many risks related to pregnancies so close together. You should really research those before continuing. My pregnancy is high risk and I am really anxious about what is to come.
If you are young enough, please just wait. If you insist on using the natural family planning method then you need to integrate using a body temperature monitor or checking your temperature daily and logging it to work out when you’re ovulating, and then abstain or use condoms during that time. I used the fertility friend app when trying to conceive which used the temperature from my Apple Watch and logged it automatically.

Just offering some empathy here as your post reminded me of how completely insane I felt when I was desperate for a baby (and not conceiving). It was such an overriding and actually quite unpleasant feeling, and it took over my life. It felt like a form of OCD. I really panicked when I started feeling broody again when my DC was a young baby, as I worried I would never be free of the preoccupation with pregnancy and babies. But it did go away, and I returned to some form of sanity.

And when they are older and have the same interests, share the same clothes, help each other with homework, look after each other, sleep in bed curled around each other, you’ll be glad of that small age gap because they will be genuine best friends going through the same things together.

This. I think you need counseling. This sounds obsessive.

I think you should focus on your new baby. It would very incredibly selfish to try and get pregnant so soon. Let them be the special one for at least a year! Also PGP with a young toddler is horrific- the bending and carrying them.

Did you see a lot of pregnant ladies qhen you were younger? Is it all the attention and excitement around it that you want?

Ha, when should I expect that to start happening? My 16 month age gap kids didn't receive that memo

I am. I have ASD and have obsessions one of them is being pregnant / babies/ children so as a consequence I have a large family . I used to try and fight it but stopped as I’m happier being calm and allowing myself to engage with my obsessions