Termination, *trigger warning*

[Wishicoulddream]

Please tell me if I’ve posted this in the wrong place and I’ll immediately ask for it to be deleted, I’m sorry if I offend anyone.

I feel so alone. I have 2 children, 11 and 8. My 8 year old
has ASN and Tourette’s and a congenital liver condition and requires a lot of care. I’ve been the “main” primary parent, working
from home to allow his care needs to be met when he is often off school due to his health. My husband works long hours and enjoys his work and I guess has used it as a bit of an escape from home life at times but no more so than other dads might use golf or gym as an escape. I thought we were doing ok, happy, slightly full with home life on yes but managing and I was happy doing all the health appts etc. We struggled with fertility issues for a long time and so haven’t used contraception since youngest was born. To my utter amazement I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago after going
to the gp as I kept feeling so dizzy and nearly fainting.
The next day, before I’d thought of a “cute” way to tell my husband the news, he sat me down and told me he’s leaving us for another woman. His “soulmate”. Seemed amazed I was surprised and said he thought I knew. I was so shocked I don’t think I I said a word through the conversation. I just felt sick. He’s moving in with her and already had a bag packed, they know each other through work and it’s Been going on for 6+ months and they are planning their life together, he’ll pay child maintenance and see the kids
every week (his words). She is young and they hope to have their own family.
My world has stopped. I’m barely holding it together for my kids. There is no way I can manage a newborn breastfeeding round the clock with no support -
i am up with my son 4 times a night for meds / toileting help which would be hard but doable with my husband here but not on my own. I’m already struggling with exhaustion and sore boobs and dizziness and I’m shattered only
8 weeks. I met with my local support for termination team and they gently agreed it sounds too much for me to continue the pregnancy.. I’m also 44 so chances of
a smooth, healthy pregnancy aren’t that great. so I’m booked in
for a medical termination on Monday. I know it’s the right thing for my 2 children who need me now more than ever, but I’m already attached to the (very early) bean inside me. I’m so so sad knowing this was my last shot at another baby. I don’t have any friends to talk to, no family
near me and my mum is in a care home so I just needed to write it down here. He doesn’t know I’m even pregnant as we’ve not talked since he Waltzed out a week ago. I feel so desperate. Is there any hope out of all this?

I would turn up at his work if he won't come home and talk to you. I would be quite public in saying what I need to say also adding that he's not seeing his children and you're now pregnant. Is make sure to ask around if anyone knows who she is as it's most likely they work together but if not it all still might get back to her. If not then at least work know he's an untrustworthy scumbag

Good advice. It's time to play hard ball.

I know I need to be but I’ve barely got the energy to get us all up and dressed annd meds sorted and the weekly shop done let alone play hard ball and turn up at his office. He’s been my best friend, soulmate as long as I can remember (we’ve been married over 12 years) and I am emotionally a muddy puddle. A couple have asked about adoption - I simply couldn’t. I hugely admire those who can but I already feel attached and it’s tiny so to hold it in my arms then give it away would for me be impossible. Termination feels 10% short of impossible so not much better but a bit. I have to take the first pill tonight to soften my cervix and I feel a level of fear I’ve not known since my son’s liver diagnosis. I’m scared I’ll regret it. But I’m more scared I’ll love it more each day and crumble if I do it in 2 weeks when it looks like a baby ☹️and I can’t crumble completely because my 2 kids felt entirely on me. Oh my head aches ☹️imagine he’s off to have avocado on toast for brunch with his beautiful new soulmate ☹️☹️☹️something we couldn’t really do as my son can’t cope with restaurant noise and waiting ☹️I need to pull myself together but can’t ☹️

Don't middle your ex loss and shock with your 'little bean' as you put it.

You're in shock, understandably. But children grow up and you carry this loss and in your own words regret, forever.

Like others have said, don't rush. You're in shock. If you terminate now or later it's still a termination so what's the harm in giving yourself a bit more time to be sure.

The clinic nurse will understand, if she's doing her job properly.

I know this will feel impossible... But he needs a reality check. I think taking yourself off on a week's holiday to think things through are needed. Leave the kids with their (fucking terrible) father. He can take leave from work. Tell him, and fancy piece, that you're pregnant, and you need space to think, and take yourself off to Horton women's centre or something for respite.

See how long woman stays once she realises what she's done.

These are his kids, he needs to step up.

And you don't sound certain about terminating, so you need time to consider.

@solongandthanksforallthedish I actually agree with that. Twat needs to shoulder some of the emotional trauma he has caused and she needs to know exactly how much she has hurt his existing and potential children.

It's the same as if you were suddenly ill, and could well happen with pregnancy.

You are unwell due to the stress, and pregnancy, and you need a break. If you collapsed and went to hospital, then the world would keep turning.

Drop the bombshell on him and his "soulmate" and get yourself away. If your son punches doors, he'll have to deal with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You need to tell him OP. At the risk of sounding really crass and insensitive, he liked you well enough 8 weeks ago. The "I thought you knew, why are you surprised?" is gaslighting.

This! Please take the children to him and give him a normal dose of parenting. Your children will be fine. He is not going to treat you or them well, so stop hoping or struggling- help yourself and the kids out.

Please don't take the first pill just yet!
You really do need to tell him. Today. Before you make a decision you might live to regret.

He was not your best friend or soulmate. Maybe gor a year or two. You thought he was. Maybe he gave good impression.
He was not even a good parent. Just an absent one.This is the real him. But splitting means he takes the dc 50 50 snd yeh your ds will get used to new routine

Could people stop guilt tripping OP to not have an abortion? She has clearly thought deeply about her options and had medical advice. FFS have some perspective.

I'm so sorry. What a bastard. If you want the baby then keep it. Get a good lawyer and make him pay.

I would absolutely tell him you’re pregnant. So sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

I’ve tried calling him, no answer (surprise surprise). Just wanted to thank you all for your support.

@Summerhillsquare OP doesn't sound certain about her choice at all. And it's her choice. She should be given the space and support needed to make that choice.

I think PP are worried about the OP terminating as there is enough in her previous posts to cast serious amounts of doubt on her wanting this. You NEED to tell him I think. Don't rush this - take a couple of days even.

@Wishicoulddream been thinking about you since I read this post.
I think you need to SMs/whatsapp him. Is there any way you can delay taking the first tablet just until he knows? I say that for your sanity rather than his, mainly because you sound conflicted in your decision anyway so it might be worth just waiting until he knows so that he can't throw it back on your conscience when you will already be at an all time low.

I need to take the pill tonight if I’m to have it tomorrow. it’s all very time- specific. I know I can’t carry on with the pregnancy on my
own which I will be. it’s not fair on the baby or my 2 children. So much will change with him moving out to a new flat, introducing them to a new “step mum” and adding in a newborn at my age and huge (negative) income change with him only
paying maintenance makes it all too much. I’ll always regret it but I know it’s somply
not possible. I just need to be brave, somehow. thank you all x

OP I don't think you have fully decided this IS what YOU want. Wait a while longer .What if this turns out to be the making of you ,wills you on to a different life with your children & without him. I would most certainly be telling him aswell .

But your life is ALSO impossible with 100% care. Unless he plans to financially support you to be his carer? He is being ridiculous.

The couple of I know with a disabled child who divorced actually say that it is sadly more manageable now because each gets time fully off to recharge (although I still suspect she does more).

But you mustn’t be passive about this - he has to take them 50/50. He just has to pay for care, get a new job or ask his bloody soulmate how she feels about caring for his child and see how loved up she feels in six months. 😡

I wish it was the making of me but it’s not. I’ve lost my best friend, partner, and the one person who loved our children like me. On my own with our disabled son I’ll be attempting minimum 3
health appointments
a week, meds 4 times a day, including organising them all, up 6 times a night with our beautiful boy and ensuring our other child has as “normal” and happy a life as possible. Doing All that minus my husband and the sadness and difficulties helping our children adjust to that along with a newborn at 44 is simply undoable, especially as I had PND with our youngest which the midwives put down mainly to r the difficulties of balancing a newborn with a child with significant needs:. I have no real life support or friends and now no partner. It all feels very bleak now.

If tell them both you are pregnant. And that you want to keep it. What you do then is your choice. But she needs to know that.

Sorry this is brutally unfair.

Yes this is unfair.
Your decision is yours alone to make OP. All I would suggest is that if you go through with this then you talk to someone to help you process it afterwards. Take care. Xx

But if he knows about the pregnancy, he might not leave. I mean, he can't afford to.

I'm not saying this is great news or your relationship would last as obviously it's severely damaged, but you may co-parent for a few years before splitting up.