Termination, *trigger warning*

[Wishicoulddream]

Please tell me if I’ve posted this in the wrong place and I’ll immediately ask for it to be deleted, I’m sorry if I offend anyone.

I feel so alone. I have 2 children, 11 and 8. My 8 year old
has ASN and Tourette’s and a congenital liver condition and requires a lot of care. I’ve been the “main” primary parent, working
from home to allow his care needs to be met when he is often off school due to his health. My husband works long hours and enjoys his work and I guess has used it as a bit of an escape from home life at times but no more so than other dads might use golf or gym as an escape. I thought we were doing ok, happy, slightly full with home life on yes but managing and I was happy doing all the health appts etc. We struggled with fertility issues for a long time and so haven’t used contraception since youngest was born. To my utter amazement I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago after going
to the gp as I kept feeling so dizzy and nearly fainting.
The next day, before I’d thought of a “cute” way to tell my husband the news, he sat me down and told me he’s leaving us for another woman. His “soulmate”. Seemed amazed I was surprised and said he thought I knew. I was so shocked I don’t think I I said a word through the conversation. I just felt sick. He’s moving in with her and already had a bag packed, they know each other through work and it’s Been going on for 6+ months and they are planning their life together, he’ll pay child maintenance and see the kids
every week (his words). She is young and they hope to have their own family.
My world has stopped. I’m barely holding it together for my kids. There is no way I can manage a newborn breastfeeding round the clock with no support -
i am up with my son 4 times a night for meds / toileting help which would be hard but doable with my husband here but not on my own. I’m already struggling with exhaustion and sore boobs and dizziness and I’m shattered only
8 weeks. I met with my local support for termination team and they gently agreed it sounds too much for me to continue the pregnancy.. I’m also 44 so chances of
a smooth, healthy pregnancy aren’t that great. so I’m booked in
for a medical termination on Monday. I know it’s the right thing for my 2 children who need me now more than ever, but I’m already attached to the (very early) bean inside me. I’m so so sad knowing this was my last shot at another baby. I don’t have any friends to talk to, no family
near me and my mum is in a care home so I just needed to write it down here. He doesn’t know I’m even pregnant as we’ve not talked since he Waltzed out a week ago. I feel so desperate. Is there any hope out of all this?

I must admit I’m nervous of any disabilities the baby may have given my age ☹️together we could manage but on my own with caring for my son already which won’t stop ever, and at least 3 appointments a week and work, and to add in a round the clock breastfeeding baby just feels impossible. I’m so scared. I love it already ☹️like I have all my babies, my 2 children and my miscarriages before them ☹️he’s made it clear he’ll pay maintenance for them and have them once a week but I know they wouldn’t want to stay with him more than that as he simply doesn’t provide them with the care I do as we chose for me to lead on all his care and work from home so it wasn’t too stressful to get to appointments/
deal with days sick off school etc. he has been main earner and a nice dad but simply has far Less flying hours in terms of meeting their care needs. my son would especially struggle with having to see him in a new home
and new partner- he wouldn’t get it. If I move a picture at home
he melts down and punches a door so a new house/ step mum once a week? My mind simply boggles. Here I am thinking we’ve been doing ok, good even, and he’s been off planning a second go at life with his “soulmate” ☹️☹️💔

I'm so sorry. It's so unfair.

This. Please don't rush this decision. It sounds like you could regret it. If he'll only take the children weekends -make it every weekend (that's a good routine for them, right!) Get yourself some breathing space and rest, and legal advice while being unavailable.

I'm all for breastfeeding- but if that is the crux of the new baby worry, formula is great. It's routine and fills baby well. Or combi feed.

This 100%

I’m so worried I’ll regret it. It feels an impossible choice. Do I keep it and hope it’s ok, that we all get through it on minimal child maintenance, that I can keep up with being up with my son 6 times and night + a newborn on top? or do I terminate and always carry that sadness. it’s like that old film sliding doors - the one with Gwyneth Paltrow? You never know what would be until you get on the train or don’t. But I feel either way it’s bad for me. I’ll either be on my own with 3 very
dependent kids, one with many health issues and appointments, and on little income, or to stick with my 2
and help them through
their beloved dad leaving and always feel a loss
for what could have been their little sibling. I’m paralysed by fear of it all. He was my best friend, my safe Place and ive lost all that and everything I thought he was in one fell swoop.

I'm sorry, it's a rubbish position to be on. Can you get genetic testing of the baby?

Get a good lawyer. You need good maintenance, housing and pension, since you're being stitched up to not be able to work full time and have your own pension. You ex should be doing two nights two days at the weekend. Time for you to work or get stuff done. He can't quit being a parent.

I think Any genetic testing is too early and a lot wouldn’t be picked up until 12 weeks and the congenital liver disease couldn’t be picked up until 20 week scan so all very far gone and too late for any consideration of termination. I’m already attached to it ☹️I know he’s going to pay minimum maintenance which I’ve looked into and it’s not good at all, and if he takes them 50/50 (which he won’t) he’d pay nothing. The idea of them and a newborn being away from me with him and his new partner hurts so badly as I bet they have their own family as she’s much younger. What a mess I really really didnt see coming ☹️

I have nothing practical to add just that I am so sorry you find yourself in this position after you have given up your career, shouldered most of the caring responsibilities and now he gets to swan off with a younger model seemingly Scott free apart from maintenance payments and one day a week. It’s just such an unfair and u just system favoured towards men and it makes me so angry.

I don’t know what to advise regarding your pregnancy, that’s your choice. You seem attached to this baby already and I think terminating it would affect you greatly.

Get yourself a shot hot lawyer if you can and look after yourself and your lovely DC you are an amazing woman and mother.

That’s so kind. I don’t feel like a hot shot anything. I feel like a total failure. I don’t think I can bring this baby into this mess but I’ll hurt so much losing it, or rather causing its loss. To be pregnant one last time was my
dream and for him to suddenly waltz out with his new soulmate and start
over, leaving me trying to literally pick up the pieces is just too much for me to even process. I wish I had more time to decide but I know with every day I feel more pregnant and more attached and that will only
make everything so much harder ☹️

The maintenance would be for three children, I would go through CMS and let them deal with that side of things. If he's not having many/any overnights there will be no reduction.

I'd personally arrange to meet the 2 of them - you'd obviously want to meet her before your children do and then put a photo of the scan on the table and tell them that he now has 3 children to support!
Why should he get off Scott free and leave you to deal with this alone.
I feel for you, I really do. Don't make any rash decisions. There will be help out there if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

My friend had testing done mega early in the pregnancy due to her older child having disabilities so, it should be possible if you wanted that.
Good luck.

What a horrible situation OP. It sounds like you are making the right decision.

Just wanted to add a few thoughts op. I can see this is a really tough time for you but I think you're making the right decision.

I'm a lone parent. A bit younger than you when I had ds and I had a lot of close family help when he was small. It's been so tough in recent years as I no longer have the same family help. Also if you're 44 now you may not be as robust in health terms in another few years. Menopause can be brutal.

I'm so sorry you're in this position op. Also £70k isn't going to stretch very far. DH may think he'll just be paying maintenance but you do need to get proper legal advice about your financial position and give him the full picture. It's not going to be as easy for him & ow as he thinks. Personally I think you need to fight to maximise your financial position and/or explore benefits etc. that way you might be able to make the world a little bit easier sometimes as it's just a slog most of the time.

I wish you all the best op xx

Blimey, what an arse he is! I definitely think you should tell him you're pregnant. Obviously it's your choice whether to carry on with the pregnancy but please take time to adjust to the bombshell he's landed on you before you make any decisions you might regret.
Good luck

I am so sorry OP. What a horrible situation.

my only advice is do not rush into the abortion. You need to truly believe it’s right for you otherwise it will be very hard to move on from. Waiting a couple of weeks and getting counselling and talking to your ex is much more sensible than rushing into this huge step and dealing with your feelings afterwards.

Omg. I'm so sorry OP. I would say you have the right to go ahead with the termination if that is what you want.

My concern here is that this isn't what you really want and you know it. I think you've been (extremely unfairly) put into a situation where you think this is the best decision for everyone else because of what your selfish husband has done.

Let's unpick this. He is gaslighting you by telling you that he's surprised you didn't know. Respectfully, he was sleeping with you 3 months ago, evidence is obvious. I think his new partner will be very interested in hearing that as I'd put a bet he told her you and him are totally over to fuck her. Promised her whatever but oh well, he can't afford to be the next Nick Cannon with 12 kids running around so let's get back to reality. I'm inclined to think he'll end up dumped by both women here, and rightly so for the prick that he clearly is.

You sound amazing - you've been doing the bulk of everything by the sounds of it and you clearly can cope with that, especially if he pays his way - and I'd take him to the cleaners here, what you need is a good solicitor. Seeing kids once a week? Great, pay you all the money that is needed. And obviously, majority of childcare costs for your 3rd. Bet his new partner will be chuffed with that too.

I agree new baby would need to be on formula. A divorce is unlikely to go through before the baby is born and you need a good solicitor to get you through this. There's no lying about the stress and exhaustion of it all but I think your decision should be based on how you feel and whether you can make this work alongside your older children. Your so-called husband was a useless, absent dad anyway and plans to continue, so he's neither here no there in reality. And he'll have to pay his way whether he likes it or not.

Do not have an abortion because you are feeling forced to it or because you feel you should please him or his new partner, or anybody else for that matter. This would be something you would struggle with forever.

I cannot believe how much of a prick he is, I'm kind of happy for you that the fucker is out of your life as you'll be better off and you'll raise your kids much better than he ever would!

So sorry to read about your situation, it sounds very trying even without the additional pressure of the pregnancy.

From what you've written I think you would struggle emotionally with a termination. It can be very difficult to come to terms with and some women find it has a huge emotional impact even for many years after the event.

Would you consider adoption for the baby?

And yes, I would get additional testing in your current pregnancy as well due to your age. I think you need as full of a picture as you can get before making any decisions regarding the pregnancy. I'm sending you so much love OP, trust yourself in making the right decision and remember you're a fantastic Mum ❤️

Don't do it. You will regret it

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. What a dick head. I agree with previous posters, tell him, see if that changes anything, genetic testing. I had a baby at 40 and have been so much more tired than my first, so that's a consideration.

Best wishes I bet you're a great mum.

You are already attached to this pregnancy, waiting a little while longer will not increase that in my opinion. I absolutely support a woman's right to choose termination but it doesn't feel like you are choosing this right now.

You can legally terminate up to 24 weeks so there is time here.

I think you are in a complete state of shock and grief and I would suggest waiting for the dust to settle a little before making any firm decisions.
I would also suggest telling him. Not for sense of retribution but because this is his responsibility too. You also don't know if you may need additional support afterwards, he may need to step up and look after the children.

You could have the nipt test at 12 weeks and see how that comes out before making your decision. And if there is condition picked up later in pregnancy such as 20 weeks there is no legal limit for termination.

Don’t rush into terminating. It sounds like you will regret it and have so much on your plate right now.

If bf is the biggest concern, you could ff for more routine. The first few months would be difficult but throw money at help/ there are various charities that would help. Get the nipt to check for genetic issues.

I know it sounds like an impossible decision but this could be a positive thing in an otherwise shit situation….

Im so sorry. Youve made so many sacrifices for him and the kids youve had with him. And he follows his dick to another woman. I would be making merry hell for them.

Having been through divorce I can tell you that in terms of a settlement, you would be expected to prove that you are looking to stand on your own two feet etc. So, you could just play the 50/50 bluff game with him. Honestly, I would message him today something direct like

'I have had some time to think and we need to get things in motion for divorce. I will have my solicitor contact yours if you can please provide the contact details of your nominated one. As part of the divorce we will need to arrange finances and child arrangements. I will need to increase my income and therefore am seeking additional hours.
I have calculated on the CMS guide what would be an appropriate amount for 3 children and it is X amount. Alternatively, Please can you let me know if you have any suggestions for how you would like the 50/50 arrangement, alternate full weeks or on a rolling 5 day basis?'

He is bound to pick up on the 3 kids thing and you can take it from there.

I think only you can decide if you keep the baby.