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Original poster

I don’t want children but my wife does

77 replies

Confusedwife111 · 22/09/2022 21:52

Hi all, this is just for advice for anyone who has had a similar life experience or has any advice

my partner and I met 5 years ago. Initially she wanted children but explained it was because she’d been brought up that women got married and had children. I didn’t, we spoke about it at length and decided we wanted to be child free

we got married in 2021 and the decision was spoken About prior to this and remained the same

out of the blue my wife has informed me she’s changed her mind. I’m 39 she’s 28

it has been a shock and I’ve agreed to think about adoption etc but my wife’s decided I’d be doing something I didn’t want for her, without letting me formulate this opinion however has said it isn’t an ultimatum

any advice welcome as I am stuck, as it appears I can’t even think for myself and whatever decision I make will be wrong

OP posts:
LettuceJones · 23/09/2022 08:28

BudgetBlast · 22/09/2022 21:59

You need to separate. People who have children need to do it enthusiastically and it is not your thing. That is perfectly fine but you and your wife are completely incompatible. It is a red line issue.

I completely agree. There isn't a way around this.

iekanda · 23/09/2022 08:33

Separate. There is no way that you can both be happy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/09/2022 08:35

You can't adopt because you don't actually want children. That rules out adoption immediately.

You need to let her go, if you're sure you'll never want kids. Sad but that's life.

knittingaddict · 23/09/2022 08:42

YippeeKiYay155 · 22/09/2022 22:24

I am reading this thread as both OP and the wife are female? That aside, you both need to be on the same page as having children is hard.

Why the hell not just say that then? Honestly don't get why op wouldn't. It would prevent a lot of unnecessary comments.

30mph · 23/09/2022 08:42

She's only 28. Set her free.

QueSyrahSyrah · 23/09/2022 08:46

Others may already have said, but if there's even an suggestion that you're not fully onboard you wouldn't get through the adoption process. It's Fierce.

Novum · 23/09/2022 08:50

knittingaddict · 23/09/2022 08:42

Why the hell not just say that then? Honestly don't get why op wouldn't. It would prevent a lot of unnecessary comments.

Show quote history

It's kind of obvious from the username.

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2022 08:52

neighboursmustliveon · 22/09/2022 22:22

You need to let her go.you are not compatible. She is still plenty young enough to find someone to have children with.

I don't understand why you kept to adoption though, unless you have already had a vasectomy?

Or maybe OP is female?

SoupDragon · 23/09/2022 08:52

knittingaddict · 23/09/2022 08:42

Why the hell not just say that then? Honestly don't get why op wouldn't. It would prevent a lot of unnecessary comments.

Show quote history

Because it's not actually relevant?

plus it is at the very least suggested by the user name.

Redqueenheart · 23/09/2022 08:55

She was quite young when you met and it makes sense that her views on this have changed.

There is quite an age difference between you as well which means you are probably reached a stage in your life where you know for sure you don't want kids.

The best thing to do is to be honest with her. if kids are really not what you want, she should be able to find a partner who will want to have a family with her.

DarkShade · 23/09/2022 08:56

Are you both women OP, is that why you went straight for adoption? In which case there are options on which she could carry the child?

I think you need to either divorce, and let her to and find someone she can have children with. Or dig deep and figure out what it is about them that you don't want and see if there's ways to mitigate.

DarkShade · 23/09/2022 08:59

Sorry I see I have cross posted or wouldn't have said it again! Of course it doesn't matter whether you are male or female, I just thought the adoption thing was becoming a red herring.

FloydPepper · 23/09/2022 09:02

Ein · 22/09/2022 23:35

34 yr old manchild convinces his 23 yr old girlfriend that she doesn’t want kids.

She grows up and changes her mind, as was inevitable and predictable.

Man sulks and posts on a forum for women with kids about it.

Just get a divorce - and marry someone your own age next time.

Maybe read the thread

then come back and say if you still think the op is a sulking child…

FloydPepper · 23/09/2022 09:03

knittingaddict · 23/09/2022 08:42

Why the hell not just say that then? Honestly don't get why op wouldn't. It would prevent a lot of unnecessary comments.

Show quote history

Maybe they thought they’d get decent advice without having spell out they’re not a man.

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2022 09:04

Ein · 22/09/2022 23:35

34 yr old manchild convinces his 23 yr old girlfriend that she doesn’t want kids.

She grows up and changes her mind, as was inevitable and predictable.

Man sulks and posts on a forum for women with kids about it.

Just get a divorce - and marry someone your own age next time.

Well this is embarrassing

GetOffTheRoof · 23/09/2022 09:14

My opinion has no difference whether OP is a man or a woman.

Adoption is not some sort of easy answer to having a child.

UniversalAunt · 23/09/2022 09:39

@Confusedwife111 The bedrock of your relationship has shifted & so has the integrity of your marriage as you now each want fundamentally different things & pathway in life.

You mentioned that at first your wife did want children, then changed her mind citing stepping outside societal expectations of marriage & children , which makes sense to me for a woman in her early 20s. Yet she got married, so she has been working through her early stance. Now some years on, her thoughts & feelings have changed, & although a cliche, from late 20s onwards the biological clock does tick that bit louder. Your wife is tuning into her desire to have children.

Now here’s the thing. You say that she has not given you the chance or opportunity to take in what she wants & what the implications are for your & your marriage. Seemingly from your POV she has gone from nought to 90mph, do not pass go & here you are.

How are you examining your position on being child-free? Is this a defensive position after life events? Limited experience of family life? How have you arrived or come to terms with your decision to be child-free?

Is you are unwilling, unable or trenchantly opposed to consider having children with your wife, then I am going to call out that your wife already has one foot out of the marriage. She has chosen this rock to break your bond. Obviously this is a massive leap on my part, but it is something to look at as a possibility.

If you want to keep your marriage going, then a sustainable & authentic compromise has to be found & adoption is not the answer. Do not promote this notion of adoption as a sticky plaster solution to two adults wanting radically different lives. Sort yourselves out.

MintJulia · 23/09/2022 09:47

OP, regardless of whether you are male or female, your wife has matured, her hormones have kicked in and she wants to be a mother. She can't help it, she isn't being difficult and her desire won't go away.

So you have a choice. You need to decide whether you are willing to become a parent, to protect your marriage and ensure your wife is happy.

I suggest the two of you set a fixed time period - say 12 months - during which you both think seriously about what it means for each of you. Have counselling if you think it might help. And then accept your conclusion at the end of the 12 months.

In the end, if you want different things, you need to go your separate ways

roarfeckingroarr · 23/09/2022 09:51

Either let her go or have children. It's not difficult.

loislovesstewie · 23/09/2022 09:54

You need to separate. There is no way that you can both be happy under these circumstances. I have met several couples where this has happened, it seems that one of them becomes thoroughly miserable or angry depending on whether they agree to be child free but wanted a child or have a child when they did not in order to remain married. It's fundamental that you are both in agreement. And please don't think that love will conquer all because it does not, it just drags out the inevitable.

maranella · 23/09/2022 09:57

IMO this issue is one that there is no compromise on - you either want kids or you don't. And if one of you does and the other doesn't, it really is better to call it a day and move on, so that the one who does can have them and the one who doesn't can find someone else who doesn't. Having kids or not is a binary choice and a hugely life changing one and you need to be all in, otherwise it's not fair on anyone. You need to split up OP - sorry.

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 09:58

It doesn't actually matter whether the OP is male or female.

When they got together, the OP made their stance clear. When they got married, OP clarified their stance. OP doesn't want children.

Noteverybodylives · 23/09/2022 10:25

I do think a lot of women panic when they near 30 and think that they’re running out of time.

The fact that she did initially want kids but then changed her mind sounds like she’s always wanted them but was worried about losing you.

I think if you really don’t want children then you are going to struggle when they get here.
Children put a massive strain on your relationship.

Can you imagine your wife having PND or being exhausted or jealous that you are working whilst she’s stuck at home on maternity leave.

Just because this is what she wants doesn’t mean you don’t need to be just as big of a parent that she is.

If you genuinely don’t want children that is absolutely fine but you need to tell her that you won’t change your mind and so she either ends the relationship or doesn’t have children.

PaceyWitter · 23/09/2022 10:39

So your wife was early 20s when you married and discussed being child free?

Tbh when I was early 20s I wasn't all that interested in having kids either but lots of women, including me, hit mid to late twenties and the urge to procreate appears. That metaphorical clock starts ticking.

I think the main problem is that the age difference means you are at different life stages, you have had a decade longer to figure out what you want.

I was in a 6 year relationship with a bloke in his late thirties in my early 20s - he already had kids and was clear he wanted no more. So when I hit 25/26 and realised I did in fact want them and wasn't willing to give up the opportunity to stay with him, I left - and eventually met someone who wanted the same things I wanted.

She needs to be very sure she loves you enough to give up the chance of a family if she stays. I have 2 older female relatives who gave up the chance of kids for love and both deeply regret it and it has affected their mental health.

LimeCheesecake · 23/09/2022 10:43

Sorry but agree with the others. Many woman don’t have the “need” for children until late 20s, but then it does feel like a need, not a want. You need to consider separating so she can pursue her desire for a baby with someone else or alone. Adoption will be a lot harder than her having a baby for you both.

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