Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Family planning

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

I don’t want children but my wife does

77 replies

Confusedwife111 · 22/09/2022 21:52

Hi all, this is just for advice for anyone who has had a similar life experience or has any advice

my partner and I met 5 years ago. Initially she wanted children but explained it was because she’d been brought up that women got married and had children. I didn’t, we spoke about it at length and decided we wanted to be child free

we got married in 2021 and the decision was spoken About prior to this and remained the same

out of the blue my wife has informed me she’s changed her mind. I’m 39 she’s 28

it has been a shock and I’ve agreed to think about adoption etc but my wife’s decided I’d be doing something I didn’t want for her, without letting me formulate this opinion however has said it isn’t an ultimatum

any advice welcome as I am stuck, as it appears I can’t even think for myself and whatever decision I make will be wrong

OP posts:
2bazookas · 22/09/2022 23:14

Instantnoodles · 22/09/2022 22:34

Op is female I think (username) hence talk of adoption

If she means, the broody wife could become a solo adopter that still implies, they would be a married couple where one partner is unwilling to parent the adopted child. No adoption agency would place a child in that position.

Why shouldn't broody wife who wants a baby, just get inseminated, either AI or IVF.

Ein · 22/09/2022 23:35

34 yr old manchild convinces his 23 yr old girlfriend that she doesn’t want kids.

She grows up and changes her mind, as was inevitable and predictable.

Man sulks and posts on a forum for women with kids about it.

Just get a divorce - and marry someone your own age next time.

HeddaGarbled · 22/09/2022 23:46

When she decided she was OK with child free, she was very young. You were so much older, and I don’t think it was fair of you to extract such a commitment from someone so much younger than you, especially as she’d initially said that she did want children. It feels like she was coerced by you.

I think if you can’t give her what she wants, you should set her free.

washingbasketqueen · 22/09/2022 23:50

*When she decided she was OK with child free, she was very young. You were so much older, and I don’t think it was fair of you to extract such a commitment from someone so much younger than you, especially as she’d initially said that she did want children. It feels like she was coerced by you.

I think if you can’t give her what she wants, you should set her fre*e

^
Agree with this

Indigokitten · 22/09/2022 23:52

YippeeKiYay155 · 22/09/2022 22:24

I am reading this thread as both OP and the wife are female? That aside, you both need to be on the same page as having children is hard.

This

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2022 23:53

Please get a divorce as soon as possible so she can move on and have a family. She was far too young to decide she didn't want children before you got married. Don't be selfish, let her go.

bloodywhitecat · 22/09/2022 23:55

If you stay together one of you is going to end up deeply unhappy and resentful. That is not fair on either of you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to bring a child into that dynamic.

Bodice · 22/09/2022 23:56

When she decided she was OK with child free, she was very young. You were so much older, and I don’t think it was fair of you to extract such a commitment from someone so much younger than you, especially as she’d initially said that she did want children. It feels like she was coerced by you.

This with bells on.

GroggyLegs · 23/09/2022 00:01

I honestly believe that the only reason to become a parent is because you REALLY want kids.

Not because you love your wife.
Or because you don't want to separate.
Or you think parenthood might grow on you.

You don't want to end up resenting your child or your partner for getting you into something you never wanted.

Lentil63 · 23/09/2022 00:02

Many years ago my dear mother advised that I should consider not if I could live with my DH but if I could live without him. Life together is all about compromising.
I guess you have your reasons for not wanting children, my own DH was really not convinced initially.
You should never do something you don’t want to do.
I find it difficult to describe the love I feel for my boys and how much they mean to me. They are without doubt the best thing I ever did.
You need to talk frankly with your wife but also yourself.

SarahAndQuack · 23/09/2022 00:08

I agree that this sounds like a situation where you have become incompatible.

People are entitled to change their views throughout their lives. But it seems especially obvious that someone in their early 20s may change their mind about having a child. Your partner was 23 when you had that conversation - she was very young. And you say she thought she wanted a child then. Perhaps she said she thought that was because of her social/familial conditioning because she thought you'd like to hear that? Or because she hoped or felt it was true?

But whatever the reason, she now feels differently. If you still feel you don't want a child, you need to cut her loose. I think adoption would be harder than having a biological child, and alarm bells ring there.

5zeds · 23/09/2022 00:15

I think you will need to separate and find new partners.

Sux2buthen · 23/09/2022 06:23

Ein · 22/09/2022 23:35

34 yr old manchild convinces his 23 yr old girlfriend that she doesn’t want kids.

She grows up and changes her mind, as was inevitable and predictable.

Man sulks and posts on a forum for women with kids about it.

Just get a divorce - and marry someone your own age next time.

This post didn't age well

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2022 06:33

People change. Actually though it sounds like your partner didn't change- she rediscovered that the desire to have children is a central part of her, just like not wanting children is a central part of you. She clearly loves you, but love isn't always enough.

I'm afraid I think you are probably going to have to separate. I was in this situation long ago and it's a dealbreaker. I'm guessing it's difficult for the happily childfree person to understand the longing/drive to have a child, but imo it is a very strong force.

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 06:39

She was very young when she agreed not to have children. I'd say it's likely she gave up what she wanted because she loved you and has now realised it's a big thing for her.

Don't have a child you don't want, but accept the possibility that might mean the end of your relationship.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 23/09/2022 07:28

Please DO NOT adopt. You dont want a child.
Divorce seems the best option

SoupDragon · 23/09/2022 07:33

2bazookas · 22/09/2022 23:14

If she means, the broody wife could become a solo adopter that still implies, they would be a married couple where one partner is unwilling to parent the adopted child. No adoption agency would place a child in that position.

Why shouldn't broody wife who wants a baby, just get inseminated, either AI or IVF.

Show quote history

She said "adoption etc" so covered all the possible ways a same sex couple can have children.

@Confusedwife111 I agree that you are not compatible as a married couple if one half wants children and the other does not.

bodie1890 · 23/09/2022 07:44

Whatever you do, please don't adopt a child.

If you are not 100% enthusiastic, an adopted child will be extremely difficult for you - they need so much extra love, care and attention - you truly will need to be "all in". It is not an easy path.

I mean, you should be "all in" if you have a child at all. But if you do decide to go ahead please, if you're a same sex couple, consider donor conception, and if you are a hetero couple then try to have your own.

Adoption is really not a suitable path for you at all if you are not 100% on this.

Scaevola · 23/09/2022 07:47

This topic is family planning, as in contraception.

So the options are condoms, vasectomy or abstention from PIV sex.

Mommabear20 · 23/09/2022 07:51

Leave and let her find someone that wants them too!
My BIL never wanted kids, my sister did, they now have 2 DC and their marriage is in pieces and are only together because of the kids. They're all miserable.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/09/2022 07:53

Don’t adopt! Adoption is for people who want to adopt and take on all the emotional turmoil that goes with it- way harder than raising your own off spring.
ultimattly if you don’t want children let her go!

Hearthnhome · 23/09/2022 07:57

I can’t see adoption being an option to be honest. A close friend of mine is going through the process at the moment. It’s so intense. Lots of meetings, lots of homework and courses to complete.

Its a huge amount of work for someone who doesn’t want to do it. it’s likely it will be picked up on that one really doesn’t want to do it.

And that work, isn’t even that much compared with how much work will requires once you become an adoptive parent

ittakes2 · 23/09/2022 08:00

My sister didn't want children to the point she had her tubes tied. Married fell apart and she met someone new who wanted children but she explained this was not going to happen and he decided to stay with her regardless.
A few years later she changed her mind and had IVF. dad stayed at home to look after the child and she worked and supported the family.
My friend wanted children and her hubby didn't. But also said he would if this was something she really wanted. She decided she liked her child-free life and has no regrets.
I have watched two women close to me have opinions about children that have changed dramatically and they are both happy with their final decisions.
I guess you need more time.

Pinktoothbrushesarefab · 23/09/2022 08:03

Sorry OP but there is no middle ground here.

I agree with others who say you should part company and let her be free to find someone who does want a family.

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out.

Simonjt · 23/09/2022 08:03

Ein · 22/09/2022 23:35

34 yr old manchild convinces his 23 yr old girlfriend that she doesn’t want kids.

She grows up and changes her mind, as was inevitable and predictable.

Man sulks and posts on a forum for women with kids about it.

Just get a divorce - and marry someone your own age next time.

I believe you mean woman child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread