Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
35
TatianaLarina · 12/02/2019 18:44

With Brexit you even the hecklers are shit.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 18:47

Look, we keep things as they are, border wise, and we throw the EU some money for access to certain markets. Pretty much the same as we are now but we're not involved politically.

You mean like the WA...that agreement the EU signed off after negotiating it with May and then she effectively voted against because she can't control her own party?

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:47

Rather better than Westmonster where the Governmemt If the day can do what it likes and the other parties can be ignored with impunity

True, but if they don't do a good job they risk getting voted out which is impossible with the EU side of things.

I know which democratic system I prefer

BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 18:50

Thanks for the new thread, Red 💐
Great OP

lonelyplanetmum · 12/02/2019 18:50

*It cares about control full control.
*
Really? It's getting me all excited because you see it's what I personally do now want.

Do you think there's still a chance that Tusk could replace May and head up a take over team at Westminster before 1 April? That's my fantasy.

I'm a bit confused as I think you're saying the EU used to have full control over us? If so I'd like to see it reinstated.

But now....I want to see powers over our military , health, elderly care, prisons, local government, tax rates, schools, national insurance,benefits,housing ,pensions, higher education, policing, crime, defence , fiscal policy , property law, planning, banking law, marriage, family , adoption, inheritance, Social security, Asylum, Mental health, criminal injuries,financial services,gambling, gender recognition , reserve forces, residential property , income tax,disability, war veterans, mental health, charity etc etc

prettybird · 12/02/2019 18:51

Lonelyplanetmum - don't you realise?: the "winners" plan is all in that 500 page White Paper that we were promised existed which provides all the answers and which we are wilfully ignoring Hmm

But strangely they can't/won't link to it so that we can become BeLeavers Confused

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:51

You mean like the WA

A bit, but the WA was a proper shit deal and I'm glad it wasn't followed through with.

I would have done things like, "oi, Ireland. We have a relationship we're your citizens can live here and you can even vote in our elections. You use our infrastructure to keep your economy afloat, we buy loads of your shit, we're not exactly mates but it's a good professional relationship, if you don't support us with the border thingy we're going to scratch all of that, how do you like them apples, Leo?

....and would have carried out negotiations from there.

QueenieInFrance · 12/02/2019 18:51

Look, we keep things as they are, border wise, and we throw the EU some money for access to certain markets. Pretty much the same as we are now but we're not involved politically.

That’s exactly what the WA has tried to do though and it seems to be rejected by most, incl all the Leavers???
And of course, it will never be ‘carrying on like before’ because It will never give the UK the same access and advantages as it had in the EU.
Or you couod go Norway style. Same advatanges than in the EU, the U.K. carries in as before. And it’s not involved in the running of the EU.

Personally, I’d rather have the WA.
I dint want No Deal.
I dint want Rewoke.
The WA is the best the U.K. could get that will do the least economic harm.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 18:52

True, but if they don't do a good job they risk getting voted out which is impossible with the EU side of things.

It's still exactly the same.

Just saying, because you don't seem to be able to grasp it. I don't vote for the government, I only get to vote for my MP. Even my MP won't get a say in the PM if they aren't part of the correct party.

TatianaLarina · 12/02/2019 18:52

Look, we keep things as they are, border wise, and we throw the EU some money for access to certain markets. Pretty much the same as we are now but we're not involved politically.

Not being involved politically means we have no say in any of the laws or regulations we trade by, we simply have to blindly follow the EU. Thus we lose ‘sovereignty’.

StoorieHoose · 12/02/2019 18:52

No opinion on Scottish Independence then stepladder?

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:52

*where, not we're

QueenieInFrance · 12/02/2019 18:53

Step if anyone had talk to me with such arrogance, I wouod have told them to get lost.

Besides, you can’t talk to the RoI itself. You have to talk to the EU because THEY will stay jnthe EU and will be happy to follow their rules.

TatianaLarina · 12/02/2019 18:53

Step - is your heckling going to get good?

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:54

Not being involved politically means we have no say in any of the laws or regulations we trade by, we simply have to blindly follow the EU

and it equally means they have no say or input in what we do. We don't have to follow any political laws. We just want to buy their shit and for them to buy our shit.

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:55

No opinion on Scottish Independence then

I seriously can't type any faster. If you want an answer then I suggest you take a number.

PestyMachtubernahme · 12/02/2019 18:56

Stoorie once the war with Ireland is over, they will move onto Scotland.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 18:57

I would have done things like, "oi, Ireland. We have a relationship we're your citizens can live here and you can even vote in our elections. You use our infrastructure to keep your economy afloat, we buy loads of your shit, we're not exactly mates but it's a good professional relationship, if you don't support us with the border thingy we're going to scratch all of that, how do you like them apples, Leo?

....and would have carried out negotiations from there.

I think we might have tried that and Leo said something like. "Give it your best shot because now you're leaving the EU my mates are bigger than you're mates."

And then the US said "If you fuck with Ireland you can say goodbye to your US trade deal."

bellinisurge · 12/02/2019 18:57

Assume you are either not old enough to remember the hard border or you are too removed from it to give a shit. Thank god you aren't negotiating.

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:57

Step - is your heckling going to get good

Define good

StoorieHoose · 12/02/2019 18:57

Is it that you don't have an opinion on Scottish Independence stepladders007 or are you just ignoring my question? Cos as you know Scotland is a part of the 'union' of the UK but very rarely gets the government they vote for or have any say in major stuff like Brexit - bit like unelected leaders that you so hate

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 18:57

Stooriehoose

I have a view on Scottish independence - if they want it let them go. They can exchange London for Brussels (if Brussels will have them)

bellinisurge · 12/02/2019 18:58

Bad news for those wanting to bully Ireland. Ireland has bigger friends than you do.

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:58

Assume you are either not old enough to remember the hard border or you are too removed from it to give a shit.

I'm 48 chicken. I lived in NI before the GFA.

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread