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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
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BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 18:23

You bait any and every leaver who comes on here. Not nice is it?

You say bait, I say ask questions about how brexit and the wonderous sovereignty we will gain is going to benefit me...shall we call the whole thing off?

PestyMachtubernahme · 12/02/2019 18:24

Is it wrong that I find Dominic Cummings far more fascinating than Benedict Cumberbatch?
His strange obsessive passion at the policy exchange made him stand out.

lonelyplanetmum · 12/02/2019 18:24

All we ever needed was a trade union.

Ah so now we want a Trade union? I quite like those and trade unions too as it happens.

But I thought No deal was the imminent objective ? Not a trade union?

It's so confusing when the management team keep moving the goal posts.

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 18:25

Bigly

And I question how the eu is supposed to be the universal panacea that cures all ills.

I mean if it’s just a little ‘ol trading bloc, why is it so hard to leave.

TheElementsSong · 12/02/2019 18:25

Bait, like asking for the 500-page Brexit White Paper?

Destiel · 12/02/2019 18:25

In what way????

Are you serious????

prettybird · 12/02/2019 18:26

I didn't realise that we could elect our Head of State Confused

Must have been asleep when we had those elections Hmm

Also hadn't realised that we could elect our PM Hmm Maybe I became a member of the Conservative Party without realising. Wink

At least in Scotland, the FM has to be confirmed by the Parliament Grin

Pesky democracy Wink

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:26

Are you serious

Yes, in what way are some leavers going to be violent?

Destiel · 12/02/2019 18:28

Jo Cox RIP

SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 18:28

A nice little piece by Francis Pryor on political discourse.

pryorfrancis.wordpress.com/2019/02/05/wallpaper-words/amp/?__twitter_impression=true

bellinisurge · 12/02/2019 18:28

It's so hard to leave because, unlike ALL the other members (apart from
Ireland) we are also signed up to a peace agreement that is predicated on us being in the E.U.
That's the hard bit. If you have a solution to that conundrum, please share.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 18:29

And I question how the eu is supposed to be the universal panacea that cures all ills.
It's not and nobody here claims it is, buts it's better than being on our own without any trade deals.

I mean if it’s just a little ‘ol trading bloc, why is it so hard to leave.
It's not. We just wait until the 29th March. Doesn't mean it's not going to hurt though.

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:32

If you have a solution to that conundrum, please share

We, Ireland and the EU agree to leave things as they are, border wise. We give the EU a brown envelope every month for some trade deals (which no one should actually be paying for but they need the money as pensions and chauffers don't pay for themselves) and things pretty much carry on as before except that when Merkel and Macron call for countries to hand over their Sovereignty to the EU we know that doesn't include us.

Happy days.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 18:34

And for clarity, it's going to hurt because our government are incompetent and because the leavers who lead the Brexit charge did so with no plan on how they were going to do it sensibly and ensure continuity of trade.

If there really had been a plan and we weren't sitting here are the last minute about to leave with absolutely nothing except a broken peace treaty then I wouldn't be on this thread having this scintillating discussion with you.

BrexitBingoGenerator · 12/02/2019 18:35

Following the new thread- I can’t teally keep up v well, though.

It just feels like Groundhog Day every day:

Theresa’s off to Brussels
Andrea Leadsom’s bleating on
There’s going to be some sort of vote soon
The brexit day countdown continues

It’s like some really shite recurring anxiety dream.

Anyway- thank you RTB and everyone else for charting it all for us.

StoorieHoose · 12/02/2019 18:35

whiney and stepladder slight derail but can you let me know your opinion onn Scottish Independence?

derxa · 12/02/2019 18:35

.

bellinisurge · 12/02/2019 18:35

Your brown envelope solution is called the WA among grown ups. You clearly think that illegal solutions are better. Good luck with arranging any trade deals if you make a virtue out of being corrupt.

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 18:36

Pippa Crerar @PippaCrerar
NEW: Labour tables its amendment to be voted on this Thursday. It sets out in black and white what the PM promised in the House: meaningful vote or another chance for MPs to take control by Feb 27.

OP posts:
lonelyplanetmum · 12/02/2019 18:36

and things pretty much carry on as before

And what do we do about ensuring there's no contamination or risks to consumers in the goods we trade?

Lucygoeswalkies · 12/02/2019 18:37

PMK. Take the dogs out for a walk and suddenly we’re pages in to a new thread. Thanks RTB

foggyuplands · 12/02/2019 18:38

A country is rather like an oil tanker in as much as suddenly changing course at very short notice is very difficult, likely to fail and can damage the ship.
A planned Brexit, with different red lines, agreed in principle with parliament wouldn't have the difficulties that the one we are currently moving forward with.
I personally would still disagree with it on principle but there isn't actually any need for it to have been done this badly.

StepLadders007 · 12/02/2019 18:39

You clearly think that illegal solutions are better

Ha ha. I do not.

Good luck with arranging any trade deals if you make a virtue out of being corrupt

The EU manage to do it.

Look, we keep things as they are, border wise, and we throw the EU some money for access to certain markets. Pretty much the same as we are now but we're not involved politically.

But that won't happen because the EU doesn't care about peace deals, it cares about control, full control.

Lucygoeswalkies · 12/02/2019 18:40

Kenneth Clarke on the news a bit earlier sounding like a grownup. With lots of common sense. Refreshing.

prettybird · 12/02/2019 18:44

The UK has for the moment and every other country in the EU will continue to have the right to veto trade deals, while other issues are dealt with on QMV.

Rather better than Westmonster where the Governmemt If the day can do what it likes and the other parties can be ignored with impunity Angry. Except at the moment because Theresa May threw away her majority and ended up beholden to 10 DUP MPs but can still ignore the 35 SNP MPs who represent a majority of Scottish constituencies Hmm

I know which democratic system and accountability I prefer Smile

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