Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
35
PestyMachtubernahme · 14/02/2019 09:04

The Prime Minister

That this House welcomes the Prime Minister’s statement of 12 February 2019; reiterates its support for the approach to leaving the EU expressed by this House on 29 January 2019 and notes that discussions between the UK and the EU on the Northern Ireland backstop are ongoing.
publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201719/cmagenda/ob190214.htm#_idTextAnchor003

Please pat me on the back and show the EU how together we are

plus amendments

Motheroffourdragons · 14/02/2019 09:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ to protect the privacy of the user.

SparklySneakers · 14/02/2019 09:08
Confused
Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined
DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 09:11

I genuinely think that the grown ups will do anything to avoid No Deal if it comes to it. Including TM.

I think the opposite. It's a paradigm of the Bystander Effect.

bellinisurge · 14/02/2019 09:13

DGRossetti , I prep in case you are right and hope that you are wrong.
It's ghastly.

prettybird · 14/02/2019 09:17

Love the way that just about every amendment (bar one?) starts, Leave out from "House" to end and add "......"

Grin

ie Replace her whole self congratulatory meaningless clause piece of fluff Grin

lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 09:17

and notes that discussions between the UK and the EU on the Northern Ireland backstop are ongoing.

And I thought Tusk or Verhofstadt said that they asked us 4 times what we wanted and reply came there none?

I suppose a non discussion is still a discussion?

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 09:23

and notes that discussions between the UK and the EU on the Northern Ireland backstop are ongoing.

I have an ongoing discussion with the magpies that love to keep my lawn aerated. However I don't suppose that will solve Brexit either.

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 09:28

amp.scmp.com/comment/insight-opinion/article/2185871/british-defence-minister-more-mr-bean?__twitter_impression=true
British defence minister more like Mr Bean
Gavin Williamson says he is ready to send the first of Britain’s new aircraft carriers to the Pacific after Brexit, yet this is news to his boss and China must be seeing the funny side

South China Morning Post

Blush
OP posts:
bluebluewindows · 14/02/2019 09:29

“Ongoing” of course doesn’t mean “going on”.

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 09:29

Nick Gutteridge @nick_gutteridge
Brutal stuff from Dutch PM Rutte: 'It's the UK that Brexit will leave weakened. It's already on the wane compared to 2-3 years ago. It's going to become a middling economy stuck out in the Atlantic. It's too small to appear on the world stage on its own.'

Why is Rutte being so harsh? Because it's for domestic consumption, not that he just fancied some Brit-bashing. His Govt isn't the stablest. The 2 major eurosceptic parties are together polling over a third of the vote. There are EU elections in May. He has to be hard on Brexit.

OP posts:
DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 09:32

Remainers have the best memes ...

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined
lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 09:33

I have an ongoing discussion with the magpies that love to keep my lawn aerated

Funnily enough on the school run today we saw 4 magpies (for a boy).

Followed by seven ( for a secret).

DD was delighted with it being Valentine's Day and all.

PestyMachtubernahme · 14/02/2019 09:33

There are EU elections in May
Everyone is going to be hard on Brexit now, we missed our window for niceness.

lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 09:35

Could bake four and twenty in a pie I suppose.

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 09:43

Could bake four and twenty in a pie I suppose.

Nooooooooooooooooooo !!!!

Magpies are well clever - like all corvids.

lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 09:51

Corvids are also murderous and carnivorous - we once rescued a baby jay from two adult magpies who were aggressively trying to kill it.

We had to sit for ages guarding the baby jay.The magpies just sat on the roof top waiting for us to go. We got the baby back to near its parents and it's nest but I would be very surprised if the magpies didn't pounce as soon as we left.

LonelyandTiredandLow · 14/02/2019 09:53

Brexit Broadcast Corporation skimming over the details of the deals Fox has done without explaining what has been lost from them with the canny acknowledgement by Alan Winters, director of the UK Trade Policy Observatory at University of Sussex that ""You can't simply roll over everything - these existing agreements will have references to EU law, so you cannot avoid some negotiation," he says."

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 09:55

{Corvids are also murderous and carnivorous - we once rescued a baby jay from two adult magpies who were aggressively trying to kill it.

We had to sit for ages guarding the baby jay.The magpies just sat on the roof top waiting for us to go. We got the baby back to near its parents and it's nest but I would be very surprised if the magpies didn't pounce as soon as we left.}
I get the feeling you are trying to tell us something here. Maybe replace 'magpie' with 'Russian' perhaps and see how it fits?

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 10:00

Corvids are also murderous and carnivorous - we once rescued a baby jay from two adult magpies who were aggressively trying to kill it.

Like chimps, then. Nature Red in Tooth and Claw ?

I was pondering recently if scarecrows work, is it more because the crows know not to feed in certain fields, and it's more a cooperation between man and bird, not the rather insulting "bird is scared of flapping cloth" narrative we've been sold up till now Hmm ?

There was a fascinating Monkey Cage a while back about "bird" brains ...

TokyoSushi · 14/02/2019 10:00

Sorry if already been asked, what time is the vote today? Any ideas?

lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 10:00

I was trying to think of an insightful poignant parallel -but I couldn't!
Two years worth of analogy has come to nowt anyway..

lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 10:02

I don't think scarecrows do work a bit like no deal threats... grasping at analogy straws here.

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 10:09

Sorry if already been asked, what time is the vote today? Any ideas?

Does it matter ?

It's impossible to leave that there without it sounding snarky, which it wasn't meant to. It's the reality.

What effect could anything that happens in the HoC today possibly have on the course of Brexit ?

Nothing. Nada. Through the dark arts of parliamentary procedure we already know the vote isn't binding or "proper". And regardless of what the outcome is, will it change TMs course ? No.

It's a beautiful day today - glorious sunshine, cards exchanged, probably better off having a nice walk, spot of lunch, and look out for daffs or crocuses.

For something which was apparently the result of decades of public distrust and cynicism about politics and politicians, Brexit appears to be rather confirming all the reasons people voted for it. And they can't see it ....

0ccamsRazor · 14/02/2019 10:13
had to share this here.