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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 10:16

Here's the timetable but seems only partial...

calendar.parliament.uk/calendar/Commons/All/2019/2/14/Daily

SparklySneakers · 14/02/2019 10:18

I'm eating jam doughnuts and drinking tea. Seems the way forward today.
I've done some more forward purchasing.
It's lovely to see the sun. The walk to and from school was pleasant albeit chilly.

I agree that the votes are pointless as they change nothing. It merely gives everyone insight as to what they all think. We need a decisive vote for something. Most of us are preparing for the worst and it's time to decide if it will be the worst with no deal or whether they can come up with something better. Weeks of no progress is disgraceful.

TokyoSushi · 14/02/2019 10:21

I agree @DGRosetti it doesn't really matter, it's just going to reconfirm to the EU, again, that nobody can agree and we have absolutely no idea what we're doing. It just makes us look even more foolish if that were possible.

Thanks @lonelyplanetmum I saw that, but thought it looked a little, well, vague - just like everything else!

wheresmymojo · 14/02/2019 10:36

My MEP who never gets invited to Question Time

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined
DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 10:40

I agree that the votes are pointless as they change nothing. It merely gives everyone insight as to what they all think.

Not really. It may give us an insight into what they want people to think they think. But even then ? Who gives a shit ?

We're on course for no-deal, and that's an end of it. There's nothing anyone except TM can do to stop it. Hold all the votes you like. Twice a day and three times on Sunday it you like. It won't make a jot of difference. The time for that has gone. The words that currently spring to mind are Henry Vs speech about "men will hold their manhood cheap". After the shock of no-deal, maybe all the MPs with their "intact" careers will hold them cheap as they realise they've become toytown representatives for a mickey mouse country.

prettybird · 14/02/2019 10:47

wheresmymojo - by definition, if she's not UKIP Nigel Farage or Daniel Hannan, she won't get invited into QT Hmm there is apparently a rule Wink

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 11:01

news.sky.com/story/dutch-minister-poses-with-brexit-monster-to-urge-firms-to-get-ready-11637044
Dutch minister poses with Brexit 'monster' to urge firms to get ready
The Dutch government comes up with an eye-catching way of warning firms that do business with Britain about the impact of Brexit.

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined
OP posts:
TheElementsSong · 14/02/2019 11:09

twitter.com/sturdyalex/status/1095987987131830272?s=21

Roses are red
Violets imported
You voted to get
The florist deported

Happy Valentine's, my darlings.

#BrexitValentines

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 11:16

The Dutch government comes up with an eye-catching way of warning firms that do business with Britain about the impact of Brexit.

As if they needed telling ?

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 11:23

Maybe it is a subtle way of saying that those who want Brexit are as clever as a fluffy blue monster?

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 11:27

{EU Exit awareness evenings held in Glasgow and Leeds

Meetings for citizens of Central and Eastern European countries residing in the UK took place on 11-12 February 2019 in Glasgow and Leeds.}

Is this an example of UK Gov forward planning, announcing the dates of events that have already happened?

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 11:28

I suppose it could be used to prove they are not lying all the time.

prettybird · 14/02/2019 11:28

Andrea Loathsome performs a Valentine Ditty about the EU in the House this morning yes, she really is that thick

https://order-order.com/2019/02/14/andrea-leadsoms-valentines-day-poem/?utmsource=feedburner&utmmedium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+guidofawkes+%28Guy+Fawkes%27+blog+of+parliamentary+plots%2C+rumours+and+conspiracy%29

TheresaMayIsATerrorist · 14/02/2019 11:38

Hmm, that Brexit monster looks kind of cute (not quite the right idea!). Hmm

Serial lurker and name-changer here. I posted on the MNHQ / i newspaper thread.

James Patrick has an article today:

Leading Charities Call for No Deal Clarity on Insulin

"In a joint statement issued today, UK Chief Executive of JDRF Karen Addington and Chris Askew, Chief Executive of Diabetes UK, explain how without more detail, they are unable to say a no-deal Brexit would be safe for people reliant on insulin."

JDRF Statement

I am fucking terrified (and angry) - this is all so unneccessary. Angry

I have written to my (useless!) MP again, reminding him that our area voted Remain and that it is his duty to his constituents, especially for those for whom a no deal Brexit involves the risk of actual death FFS, to prevent a no deal Brexit. Last time I got a load of waffle about how his preference was for a general election (never mind we have no time left), and I am furious that he refuses to vote for SNP amendments simply because they are that - SNP amendments! Angry

I don't know why he's so keen on the prospect of a general election because all local polling shows him being kicked out on his arse and the SNP regaining the seat! Grin

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 11:40

Maybe it is a subtle way of saying that those who want Brexit are as clever as a fluffy blue monster?

All of Europe knows that two words that can't be bought together in any language are "subtle" and "Brexit".

I suspect it's a much less subtle note to the UK (or those in UK that see it) that they're as prepared as can be for the no-deal they've already seen coming.

The only people no-deal will be a shock to are the permanently-bewildered brexit supporters, and some MPs.

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 11:47

{Andrea Loathsome performs a Valentine Ditty}
Just to show bollocks can talk!

BigChocFrenzy · 14/02/2019 11:53

May's "negotiations" with the EU:

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined
lonelyplanetmum · 14/02/2019 11:55

That ditty was shitty

I wasted seconds of my life listening to Leadsome. What was I thinking? What are her constituents thinking?

To think she was a shortlisted candidate for PM. Surely with 66 million to choose from we could have a better selection?

bellinisurge · 14/02/2019 12:03

At least her special place in Hell will be musical.

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 12:08

Is this an example of UK Gov forward planning, announcing the dates of events that have already happened?

There are still posters up all around Dudley for the Fireworks night - 3rd November 2018, just to add to the end-of-days-vibe.

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 12:13

Oh. and just to add to the mix, older satnavs systems could just go wrong after April 6th ...

www.theregister.co.uk/2019/02/12/current_gps_epoch_ends/

Older satnavs and such devices won't be able to use America's Global Positioning System properly after April 6 unless they've been suitably updated or designed to handle a looming epoch rollover.

GPS signals from satellites include a timestamp, needed in part to calculate one's location, that stores the week number using ten binary bits. That means the week number can have 210 or 1,024 integer values, counting from zero to 1,023 in this case. Every 1,024 weeks, or roughly every 20 years, the counter rolls over from 1,023 to zero.

The first Saturday in April will mark the end of the 1,024th week, after which the counter will spill over from 1,023 to zero. The last time the week number overflowed like this was in 1999, nearly two decades on from the first epoch in January 1980.

(contd)

For the nerds here, it was a similar issue which caused the Patriot anti-missile system to fail in 1991

www-users.math.umn.edu/~arnolddisasters/patriot.html

(the 100 hour failure ...)

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 12:16

{Is this an example of UK Gov forward planning, }
The quote I put up is one of the government 'Brexit readiness' notices that flopped into my inbox this morning and it proudly declares it was updated by the government on 14th Feb.

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 12:21

(from the comments in that article) I didn't realise (some ?) cashpoint machines had GPS capability (apparently to prevent them being "relocated" ....).

Imagine a good %age of cashpoints not working come 6th April ?

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 12:22

DGR, so a bit like the Millenium bug then!
This could be serious in the UK as journey times post Brexit may be measured in years.
I suppose it is a bit lie the Maybot bug. She keeps going to Brussels to be told 'NO' but then forgets and goes back a week later to be told 'NO' again.
Nice coffee and croissants in Brussels mind you so there is one upside.

1tisILeClerc · 14/02/2019 12:24

{Imagine a good %age of cashpoints not working come 6th April ?}
No they will dispense the new British currency that shrinks in value in daylight.

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