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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
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DGRossetti · 13/02/2019 15:35

It's definitely a real Digby Jones tweet.

He's a bit thick, isn't he ?

QueenOfThorns · 13/02/2019 15:36

But is that really his account? It doesn’t have the blue tick next to it!

Motheroffourdragons · 13/02/2019 15:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ to protect the privacy of the user.

mrslaughan · 13/02/2019 15:45

@Motheroffourdragons
Because we no longer live in a democratic society that allows freedom of expression?

Quite scary....

Hazards · 13/02/2019 15:46

I reported a few spam posts yesterday on westminster threads...do i need to be worried?

DGRossetti · 13/02/2019 15:50

the young Labour members who wrote on it had police permission

Just out of the idlest curiosity ... WTF does it have to do with the police (unless they'd finished all the other police work), given all the people who had standing to object gave permission ?

Do I need to check with the police before I wipe my arse with the Wetherspoons wiping paper delivered recently ?

SwedishEdith · 13/02/2019 15:51

Not everyone has a blue tick and I wouldn't give him one either and he really is pretty dim.

Re Labour MPs all worrying about Leave voters - they should look to Mary Creagh's Wakefield seat. 66% Leave vote and she increased her vote (so did the Tories but no Ukip candidate) in GE17 despite voting against triggering art 50. Leave voters aren't necessarily Labour voters. They're often not voters at all as per the Gloria De Piero article in the New Statesman recently where a 52 year old was banging on about the importance of democracy despite never previously voting. Ever. And/or Brexit is still not the most important issue for them. Universal Credit, housing, NHS matter more. Yes, I know Brexit impacts all of those things but most people aren't really following Brexit news - they've switched off.

Motheroffourdragons · 13/02/2019 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ to protect the privacy of the user.

DGRossetti · 13/02/2019 15:59

Technically probably graffiti is against the law so by checking first they cleared up any possible issues.

Only if it damages property and/or falls foul of libel/obscenity laws (in which case it's not the fact of it being graffiti that's the problem, but the content itself).

Not really sure what "issues" could need clearing up. Young volunteers start amending poster, at worst plod turn up and (hopefully) ask "what's all this then ?", get shown the permission from billboard owner and poster sponsor, say "Thank you, guys" and fuck off and solve some real crime.

Maybe I'm a little prickly because of the recent trend of police to go around "checking the thinking" of people who haven't committed any crime whatsoever Hmm

mrslaughan · 13/02/2019 16:01

Is Islington council Tory controlled by any chance?

Littlespaces · 13/02/2019 16:11

We are in danger of being seen as desperate.

www.newstatesman.com/politics/staggers/2019/02/whisper-it-liam-fox-good-his-job-here-s-why-s-bad-news-brexit

DGRossetti · 13/02/2019 16:12

Is Islington council Tory controlled by any chance?

Nope - Labour (and, of course, JCs constituency .....)

SusanWalker · 13/02/2019 16:19

I notice the argument that if we don't put up border controls and Ireland doesn't there is no problem features heavily on Digbys Twitter feed.

That argument gives me the absolute rage. It's lazy and makes the person saying it look ridiculous. It reminds me of the time at school I had to write an essay entitled 'the pen is mightier than the sword' for talking in chapel and I took the piss by arguing that a pen was better because you could buy a biro for less than 50p, whereas a sword would be expensive.

But I guess the alternative would be for them to admit they never even bothered thinking about it.

Littlespaces · 13/02/2019 16:24

I can't understand that argument either.

Either there is a hard border between the two diverging systems

or the EU / UK turn a blind eye to smuggling of goods, people, and much worse.

Idiots. Either choice encourages criminals to take advantage.

DGRossetti · 13/02/2019 16:25

I'll wait until we see the detail of these "deals" that Fox has allegedly got signed off before I start sucking his dick.

DGRossetti · 13/02/2019 16:27

Either there is a hard border between the two diverging systems or the EU / UK turn a blind eye to smuggling of goods, people, and much worse.

It's not that binary - WTO rules require a border - a real one that works - between member states. For what should be obvious reasons. Obvious to all except moronic Brexiteers. (And it's so obvious that a lot of them - certainly in the media - damns well know this.)

GingerPCatt · 13/02/2019 16:28

A big thank you to all of the wonderful folks who keep this thread going. You have been a great source of information, inspiration, and comfort. I have to stop following as it’s doing my head in. I’m prepping for no deal and hoping and praying that it’s all for naught. I’m going to hide under the duvet with the cat until it’s all over.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/02/2019 16:30

Jones is very thick and / or deceitful - probably both - to claim Ireland doesn't need to add controls for goods from NI:

If Ireland don't, then they are in effect doing Irexit

Under WTO rules, the EU - to maintain its SM and CU - must have an effective external goods border with all countries not in the SM & CU

If Ireland doesn't put up checks on goods from NI, then it would be in effect outside the EU external borders

BigChocFrenzy · 13/02/2019 16:33

Gorgeous photo, ginger
I hope you & your feline boss are chilling comfortably now

1tisILeClerc · 13/02/2019 16:34

Sorry, I had the 'wrong Jones' in mind. I was thinking of 'Jones the steam' from Ivor.
As you were.

Littlespaces · 13/02/2019 16:36

Ohhhh. Shock

So we would be stuffed

Ireland would be stuffed.

All the rubbish about nobody needs to put a border up is all bullshit.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/02/2019 16:37

Brexit: Government admits it has 'run out of time' to find ships to bring emergency supplies after no-deal

Only suicidal idiots would regard No Deal as an acceptable outcome
Unfortunately, it's suicidal idiots calling the shots, while the supposedly sensible MPs are all hiding under their duvets

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brexit-no-deal-planning-emergency-supplies-seaborne-freight-chris-grayling-a8777766.html

Officials have admitted they have “run out of time” to find ships to bring emergency supplies after a no-deal Brexit, following the Seaborne Freight fiasco.

No further “large amount of further additional capacity” will be available across the Channel before the end of March, MPs were told – by either sea or rail.

bellinisurge · 13/02/2019 16:43

Apart from stressing that he is the former Taoiseach, I would say, well said, Bertie

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