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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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foggyuplands · 12/02/2019 19:40

It is worth highlighting that food costs despite the low animal standards and GM crops are much higher in the US than they are in the UK.
It is quite feasabile that we could end up with poorer quality food that costs more if we follow the US.

ContinuityError · 12/02/2019 19:42

Is it half term already?

jasjas1973 · 12/02/2019 19:47

Whiney123

What exactly did you win? no one knows!

TalkinPeece · 12/02/2019 19:48

Fantastic summary of the cabinet @RedToothBrush

The best prime minister for right now is Tonka Cat, even though he's been dead ten years

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined
wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 12/02/2019 19:49

PMK

pointythings · 12/02/2019 19:49

FFS you can't even get decent Putintrolls after 5 pm Russian time now!

Hazards · 12/02/2019 19:50

susan Grin are you on income support? That's fancy too. When/if you switch to UC make sure your boy is getting DLA/PIP... we made that mistake. I had to go in to the jobseekers office to speak to my advisor every week until PIP came through. Lets say it was an experience Grin

pointythings · 12/02/2019 19:53

I get a small amount of tax credits because I am a single parent... Does that make me one of the elite too? I shop at Aldi though, so I must also be a traitor. Good chocolate in there, with no shitty palm oil.

Hazards · 12/02/2019 19:56

pointy didn't even know tax credits was still going... Your fancy too!

Loletta · 12/02/2019 19:57

From Peston:

@.anguswalkertalk last night overheard Olly Robbins, @theresa_may's Brexit negotiator, in a bar in Brussels saying MPs would in March be presented with a choice between her reworked deal or a potentially long delay to Brexit. Great scoop.

SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 19:59

Yes I'm on the fancy schmancy "give it to you with one hand, take it away with the other" carers/income support combo.

His DLA is up for renewal in just over a year's time but he turns 16 before then so I presume we will have to do a PIP application this year. I'm hoping it will go ok but you never can tell. He's permanently signed off from school though for the next 18 months and there's no one else to look after him so whatever happens I can't get a job.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 20:03

Foggy I've read that food in the US is more expensive, which is puzzling with the lower welfare standards
Do you know why ?

Higher wages / higher transport costs due to US size / Higher profit margin / inefficiency ?

pointythings · 12/02/2019 20:04

Hazard you can still get tax credits if you aren't in a UC area. Of course with redundancy looming it'll be all change soon, but for now I still get to be a proper single mum on benefits. Sort of. I'm lucky that we aren't on the DLA/PIP treadmill with the DDs.

Lucygoeswalkies · 12/02/2019 20:07

Whiney You’re forgetting the tiny fact that we’re still in the EU. You don’t want to be in the EU. On that basis feel free to hitch a lift on a phantom ferry to the land where unicorns run wild. You know: ‘Leave means Leave’

1tisILeClerc · 12/02/2019 20:08

{Brexit: No-deal plan for Channel Tunnel operations}
EU to put into law that Eurotunnel can keep running to existing timetables for 3 months even if there is no deal.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 20:15

LeClerc I read that they've given us 3 months after Brexit to renegotiate the Treaty of Canterbury that permits this cross-border rail service to run

https://ec.europa.eu/info/sites/info/files/railway-safety-and-connectivity_en.pdf

Also

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brexit-no-deal-channel-tunnel-eurostar-rail-shuttle-eu-travel-theresa-may-a8775686.html

The tunnel could provide a lifeline for the UK,
which is expected to face chaos at its ports due to extra customs and regulatory check requirements a no-deal scenario would inevitably bring.

However, the EU says the extension for the tunnel is “strictly time limited” for three months and
that
it is conditional on Britain continuing to use safety standards “identical” to those of Brussels.^
.....
In October the UK government warned in a planning notice that that Eurostar and other trains could stop running because of legal changes around safety requirements.
The EU’s latest offer to give the UK an extension would be one way around this issue.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 20:18

'Un big mess' – how the rest of Europe views Brexit

Correspondents from 7 EU countries - the German report accurately describes what I have experienced here

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/feb/12/un-big-mess-how-rest-of-europe-views-brexit

View from Ireland:
"the parliament of Oliver Cromwell reduced to Benny Hill"

prettybird · 12/02/2019 20:26

I think Whiney is being obtuse and refusing to recognise that "Leave means Leave" Wink. He/she thinks that the ferries, plains and trains will continue to operate, not out of the EU's spirit of good will while they finish off their No deal preparations but because the UK iz speshal "they need us more than we need them" Confused

Whereas in the real world, from a purely economics perspective, protecting the Single Market ironically the brainchild of one Margaret Thatcher is far more important than the risk to the Single Market of a No Deal Brexit.

derxa · 12/02/2019 20:34

eu.usatoday.com/story/money/personalfinance/2018/07/16/what-groceries-driving-up-food-bill-look-top-20/776106002/
An interesting link. Avian flu and drought have affected prices. Yet you here don't appreciate UK farmers.

GeistohneGrenzen · 12/02/2019 20:40

.

PerverseConverse · 12/02/2019 20:41

This song has been rattling around my head for the past week as I was reminded of it by the brexit shitstorm. I've just copied and pasted the most relevant lyrics.

Guns N' Roses - Civil War

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N' I don't like it any more than you men." *

Look at the hate we're breeding
Look at the fear we're feeding
Look at the lives we're leading
The way we've always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can't deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

And
I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war

Look at the shoes you're filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I've seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

I don't need one more war
What's so civil 'bout war anyway?

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 20:41

Owen Smith @ owensmith_mp
Anyone who believes Theresa May is doing anything other than running down the clock is completely naive. The plan is totally transparent: bounce MPs into agreeing her Deal at the very last minute. It’s bullying and blackmail to save her skin and her party.

David Allen Green @davidallengreen
Agreed. And she has form.

She used the same tactics as Home Secretary to force though the Data Retention and Investigatory Powers Act in 2014.

Isn't that the one that got found unlawful?

OP posts:
ContinuityError · 12/02/2019 20:45

I emailed my MP weeks ago about TM running down the clock.

No reply.

Tanith · 12/02/2019 20:48

How about some Jethro Tull?

Really don't mind if you sit this one out
My word's but a whisper your deafness a shout
I may make you feel but I can't make you think
Your sperm's in the gutter your love's in the sink
So you ride yourselves over the fields
And you make all your animal deals
And your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick

And the sandcastle virtues are all swept away
In the tidal destruction the moral melee
The elastic retreat rings the close of play
As the last wave uncovers the newfangled way
But your new shoes are worn at the heels
And your suntan does rapidly peel
And your wise men don't know how it feels
To be thick as a brick

And the love that I feel is so far away:
I'm a bad dream that I just had today
And you shake your head
And said it's a shame

TalkinPeece · 12/02/2019 20:50

Tanith
How did I know you'd pick that song Grin