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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
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foggyuplands · 12/02/2019 19:25

What kind of self respect are Brexiteers aiming for I wonder?
Not one that relies on its citizens to have any concern about food standards obviously or one that expects access to reasonably priced medicines.
Not a self respect that places any value on international peace treaties.
Not one that values the role of law in society or values the role of parliament.
No interest in business succeeding either.
I am really curious about what was so great in the UK's past, what led to this self respect that we no longer have? What are we going to do to get it back?
I am a really bad swimmer so ingest a lot of chlorine, I have to warn you my self respect never rises after I've been in the pool. I don't think eating chlorinated chicken is going to raise the self respect of the nation.

SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:26

You know what you can do with your greasy EU style flapjacks. Just saying.

Hazards · 12/02/2019 19:26

Ohhh I'm sooo elite with my carers allowance and universal credit.... Someone save me from all this privilege... ooo I'm so elite without my degree and never going to uni. Ooo I'm so elite. So, so, so elite..

BollocksToBrexit · 12/02/2019 19:27

I don't have any flapjacks. I've got a Lidl chocolate cake, does that count?

(I haven't really as I ate it for breakfast)

DangermousesSidekick · 12/02/2019 19:27

""He has no sensitivity to political sentiment and a lot of colleagues will be outraged that he has confessed to this."

Gotta love it. It's not the crime, which is disgusting, but actually telling the truth and openly admitting that it's happening. Proud of Britain? You got me - no.

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:28

As I say you know where europe is... if you can be bought and so easily...

DangermousesSidekick · 12/02/2019 19:28

Sadly, you're making that option impossible aren't you, so you're stuck with us telling the truth.

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:29

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SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:29

Lidl is a greasy EU discounter, their cheese is rank and all their potatoes are rotten, what do you expect. I hope you recover from the chocolate cake, millions don’t

derxa · 12/02/2019 19:29

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/26/chicken-health-fear-chlorine-washing-fails-bacteria-tests-brexit-salmonella-listeriawww.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/26/chicken-health-fear-chlorine-washing-fails-bacteria-tests-brexit-salmonella-listeria" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/26/chicken-health-fear-chlorine-washing-fails-bacteria-tests-brexit-salmonella-listeriawww.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/26/chicken-health-fear-chlorine-washing-fails-bacteria-tests-brexit-salmonella-listeria
The problem with chlorinated chicken is the poor animal welfare behind it.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 19:29

Oh bigly - how big of you to slum it with the plebs. I bet some of them voted leave. How magnanimous of you

That's me. I even live in an ex-council maisonnette and have a low income just so I can feel totally down with how the other half lives. Any day now I'm going to move back into my mansion around the corner and get back to racking in 6 figures off the backs of the workers while reciting elitist leftwing poetry and eating quinoa . It's going to be awesome.

Grinchly · 12/02/2019 19:30

face palmking
Carpet.

SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:30

Mr Kipling is better also a very good British poet.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 19:30

It's very elitist to want to keep your jobs, decent food and medicine

Hazards · 12/02/2019 19:31

whiney your not a leaver whose afraid of aspiration and social climbing. Well done.

foggyuplands · 12/02/2019 19:32

True bigchoc if only we were better educated we would understand how much better our lives would be without these things!

jasjas1973 · 12/02/2019 19:33

that’s why you haven’t swing the country behind you over the course of your preaching and nonsense since 2016. 2 years and you still haven’t convinced - do you never wonder why?

Do you really want an answer to that? lol!

Though remain do have a 10 to 12% lead now and of course we could always have a PV to prove your point?

prettybird · 12/02/2019 19:33

BTW: I don't and have never shopped at Waitrose. I think it's overpriced - and anyway is further away than Lidl (where I do most of my grocery shopping, despite or maybe because of being a foodie Grin) and also further away than the large Sainsbury's and Tesco, where I alternate my top-up shops for the things I can't get at Lidl).

Pesky fussy elite that I am Grin

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:34

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BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 19:36

Behind the mindless slogans is the fact that the industrialised US farming / meat industry has lower standards of animal welfare than the UK - and the EU - permit.

Hence e.g. the need for chlorine wash on chicken

The flood of cheap low quality US meat & chicken will mean UK farmers with higher welfare standards will go broke.

The Brexiters economist Prof Minfor predicted this, as well as the loss of mass manufacturing in the UK
He says it's worth it for Brexit - I disagree

Some of us elite types make a special effort to buy meat locally,
both to support local farmers and because we know they look after their animals properly

Very sad to lose that

SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:37

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SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 19:37

I'm on carers allowance too hazard, although not UC yet thank god, but it's coming.

Perhaps getting carers makes us elite in the world of benefits claimants. Much naicer than jobseekers.Grin

Although I would prefer being able to sleep at night.

SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:38

I’ll really Leave now

PestyMachtubernahme · 12/02/2019 19:39

By jingo someone is very angry at getting their own way.
Medication and therapy are available for this sort of paranoia.

PestyMachtubernahme · 12/02/2019 19:40

Snidey you will get done for sock puppeting.

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