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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

OP posts:
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SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 19:13

Rees-Mogg is going full on Trump. He tweeted the phrase 'the failing EU' the other day.

Perhaps he's going to blame the shit storm of a no deal brexit on the far right. In a they made me do it, Nanny kind of a way.

Would make an interesting departure from blaming the EU and remainers.

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:13

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BigChocFrenzy · 12/02/2019 19:15

Let them eat chlorinated chicken ...

DangermousesSidekick · 12/02/2019 19:15

Are you so sure we haven't? Opinion polls suggest that remain would win if the referendum was re-run now. Still a fairly close result admittedly, but less close than last time.

PestyMachtubernahme · 12/02/2019 19:15

Bastard EU, fancy maintaining transparency throughout the negotiations.
europa.eu/newsroom/highlights/special-coverage/brexit_en

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 19:16

This country had self respect once

Don't forget sovereignty. I hear that's really tasty.

prettybird · 12/02/2019 19:16

That shows how little Whiney what a wonderfully apt name understands about Scotland. Hmm

I agree with you Stoorie - at least an independent Scotland in the EU (or even just in EFTA) would have a louder and more effective voice in the EU than it has in Westmonster. At least with a veto and QMV, its voice would not just be listened to but heard - whereas even when Scotland had 56 out of 59 Scottish MPs that were SNP (and even now it has 35 SNP MPs out of 59 - so still a majority), they were (and are) totally ignored.

The SNP MPs tried to put in some safeguards into the EU Referendum but were told that they weren't necessary as it was only advisory and so were comprehensively outvoted. Hmm

It also meant that the Electoral Commission was toothless in being able to address blatant lies in the campaign. Angry

SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 19:16

Lol at self respect. If you want to see what losing your self respect looks like then wait until we've left and are desparate for trade deals.

Theresa May dancing in Africa will seem like a highlight.

PestyMachtubernahme · 12/02/2019 19:17

Gosh, I never knew 48% of the electorate shopped at Waitrose.

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:18

If Scotland wants to go let it.

See I’m not a hypocrite. Good luck I say - they can have your sunny eu uplands and unicorn democracy offered by Brussels

SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 19:18

I'm very surprised to hear I shop at Waitrose seeing as we didn't have one in Cornwall until a few years ago and now we do I can't get to it as I don't have a car.

Mind you we don't have ocado either. I feel like I'm failing as a remainer now.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 19:18

I have a Waitrose and an Aldi at the end of my road. I shop in both. I span the class divide.

lonelyplanetmum · 12/02/2019 19:20

Whiney London wants what Scotland wants can it go to please?

In fact can the 48% now 60%? Have individual arrangements with the EU please? tia

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:20

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lonelyplanetmum · 12/02/2019 19:20

too

SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:22

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RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 19:23

Christopher Hope @christopherhope
Oh dear. Theresa May's Brexit adviser Olly Robbin has been overheard in a bar in Paris saying MPs will be faced with a delay to Brexit or accepting his deal, ITV's @anguswalkertalk reports tonight.

David Jones MP, a former Brexit minister, says he was amazed that Mr Robbins had "confessed to it", adding: "He needs to answer some questions. "He has no sensitivity to political sentiment and a lot of colleagues will be outraged that he has confessed to this. It is shocking."

One source at the European Research Group says: 'It confirms what we have always said: who is in charge of this? Either she is in charge of this and this is what she wanted, or she is not in charge at all and is doing what the civil service are telling her? She needs to tell us.'

Christopher Hope @christopherhope
Olly Robbins reported comments in the Paris bar: “... Got to make them believe that the week beginning end of March... Extension is possible but if they don’t vote for the deal then the extension is a long one...”
Thsi chimes with reports by @bbclaurak about end of March vote.

Laura Kuenssberg @bbclaurak
Govt motion for thurs-
This House welcomes the PM’s statement of 12 Feb 2019; reiterates its support for the approach to leaving the EU expressed by this House on 29 January 2019 and notes that discussions between the UK and the EU on the Northern Ireland backstop are ongoing.

Sounds like PM didn’t give much away but suggested govt didn’t believe numbers were there for customs union in parliament - and that EU might only consider extension of art 50 if there is a deal that needs tidying up - implies there have at least been discussions about it

David Henig @DavidHenigUK
I think this, from @bbclaurak, probably captures the state of Government and Parliament confusion over Brexit as well as anything I've seen - but it needs a little fleshing out... quick thread 1/
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47206342
Brexit: Will there be a resolution to months of indecision?

Negotiations wise, we're all expecting that the most the EU will offer is a legal letter that the backstop is intended to be temporary. It isn't going to be enough for conservative hardliners, but the EU judges nothing can satisfy them 2/

The EU had little faith the PM could carry Parliament before the first vote, after it and the Brady amendment they have none. So they're doing the counting, and reckon the deal or a softer Brexit can pass. No need then to change red lines 3/

The PM has no negotiating credibility with the EU, her own hardliners, her moderate wing, or the Labour Party. Then add to that a lack of control of Parliament (no Brexit primary legislation is being progressed) and that is the mess she's in 4/

The ERG has no need to compromise as their no-deal prize is in view, and they're on the front foot after getting a couple of moderates to back their hard line under the guise of compromise. 5/

The Labour leadership doesn't particularly want to be on the front foot, given their cracks on Brexit are nearly as large as those in the Conservatives. But they're not going to help too much, and Government offers have so far been transparently insincere, easy to refuse 6/

The Parliamentary timetable is worth considering if you're not a no-deal supporter - if there's a deal on March 21 that gives one week of Parliamentary time, which seems unlikely to be enough, but by then too late to ask for an extension? 7/

One other factor, does the voice of business get louder? I've heard it expressed several times that in any other country lorry drivers would be now be blocking Parliament. The noise is growing, but is still notably moderate 8/

What this all adds up to is that unless Conservative moderates are boosted by ministerial resignations and can quickly find cause with nearly the entire Labour party for an alternative, the PM is going to keep kicking the can. Nothing else she can do 9/

Every week that passes more business leaves the UK, and no-deal is an ever stronger possibility. And you wonder if for some MPs that's almost the easiest thing, for there is a ready-made scapegoat in Number 10 if it all goes badly wrong 10/ end

PS if there's a deal at the last minute exporters and importers may not know until literally one day before hand their basis for trade for almost the entire world #notagoodplan

OP posts:
OhYouBadBadKitten · 12/02/2019 19:23

Maybe we should stop feeding the trolls. One or two pet trolls is ok, but they appear to be multiplying. Bit like feeding pigeons really.

BiglyBadgers · 12/02/2019 19:23

unicorn democracy offered by Brussels

that one with the entire house of unelected peers...oh no..I've got all confused again. That's us, isn't it! Gosh , silly me. The EU is the one with the elections.

SnideyMcSnideface321 · 12/02/2019 19:23

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SusanWalker · 12/02/2019 19:24

Although I did used to shop at Waitrose as a student. But that was because their card machines weren't connected to the bank so you could buy £5 of shopping and get £50 of cashback if you were over your overdraft limit.

Destiel · 12/02/2019 19:25

snidey are you dissing my flapjacks motherfucker???

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Whiney123 · 12/02/2019 19:25

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prettybird · 12/02/2019 19:25

Oh yes the chlorinated chicken... the horror - can you imagine such a thing in your local Waitrose where the remainer set hang out

Whether you voted Leave or Remain, you might not be able to tell if the chicken has been chlorinated or even if it came from the USA. That may be one of the requirements of a US Trade deal - that the labelling does not make this clear Shock

It's one of the reasons why Westmonster performed the power grab of devolved administrations powers in the Withdrawal Bill (you know, the one where the Scottish MPs weren't even allowed to speak in the part of the debate about devolved powers and where all the English MPs trooped in to vote having not even been in the chamber Angry): so that it could ensure that Scotland, Wales and NI couldn't thwart the trade deal with, for example, pesky food labels giving consumers the choice as to what to buy Hmm