My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I think it's fair enough that you use a language the whole group understands when in a group setting, but that doesn't mean you don't ever speak to your kids in your native language.
Either the situation is very controlling or you are being difficult.

Does your husband speak/attempt to speak your language?
Who gets the kids up and ready in the morning? Speak to them fully in your own language at all other times unless you are socialising with your inlaws/people who don't speak your language.

If your kids speak to you in your language in your inlaws presence, so what? What's the consequences? They can request group conversations are in English, but it is just a request - they can't dictate how you and your children communicate with each other, and I suggest you find a way to tell them that. Maybe diplomatically at first.

But also, have a word with your Mum because what she did was actually rude, and has caused tension and drama unnecessarily. Yes, ILs shouldn't repeatedly call her grandma, but that is a different issue.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you can speak it and teach it to your children. Your in-laws have just asked that you don't do it around them which as others have said is considered rude. Although I suspect there is more to it, perhaps there was something in the tone or facial expression which made it clear that your mum was saying something unpleasant, or unless its a constant use of language to exclude others. My ex spoke a different language and so did his family, as well as English. Most of the time it was fine, even when they switched from English. But I knew when they were being rude about me or something to do with me, because the language switch would be accompanied by little side glances and for some reason they would lower their voices (which made no sense because I couldn't understand a word even if they shouted it)!

And yes, 20 minutes a day of teaching your children that their second language is rude and inappropriate in front of others and only suitable when it can be hidden away can easily do a huge amount of damage to the way they relate to the language.

It can very easily stop them acquiring active skills in the language.

I beg you OP to not ask these kinds of questions on MN because people don't have a clue.

Oh it's you again.

Surely you can speak Russian when your in-laws aren't there?
🤣

that leaves about 8-10 hours a day where you can speak to them in your native language.

Even better cut back on the daily visits, its not needed.

OP I've only read your messages so others may have said this a lot already....but you do know that your In laws aren't the boss of you right?

If they say to you "please don't speak your native language when we are here" you are absolutely allowed to reply "it's really important to me that the children are bilingual, and as they are at preschool all day I really need to talk to them exclusively in my native language, but I'll happily translate for you each time you're here"

They aren't the boss of you. This is how you wish to raise YOUR children. Everyone who wants to raise bilingual kids has this issue whereby the kids will be subject to one language far more than the other. Kids learn a second language at school from 1-2 hours a week (not particularly well often) so if you exclusively speak to your kids in your native language whenever you're with them (whilst translating for the in laws of you need to) you will make huge strides towards bilingual kids. The 20-30 mins a day where you're translating for the in laws will be a drop in the ocean.

I think you need to learn to assert yourself (and you don't have to be rude to be assertive)!!

Your ILs have been repeatedly rude to your mum by ignoring her request to use her name. I’m not surprised your mum snapped and complained in front of them. Not the mature route but sounds like she’s tried that and she’s human. Your DH needs to step in.

I think the language you speak depends on context. If you’re all around the table eating together and your mum does speak English, you should change to English there. If they’re just all at the house together but you aren’t actually having a group conversation, why shouldn’t you speak your native language?

With kids it’s different especially if they’re under 5. And especially if your ILs are spending so much time there. DP and I just explained OPOL to our parents and that it’s very important for young kids to have consistency so that their brains learn how to categorize the different languages. If not they will mix sentences together, especially if they know you both understand the other’s language. I ALWAYS speak English to my daughter and he always speaks French. If it’s relevant we will translate for the parents, but with a three year old at the dinner table, realistically I’m mainly going to be asking her to stop messing around or to remember to eat her peas, and I don’t see why that needs translating. At 3 she already understands that the group conversation is in the group language and that’s what she’ll use unless she’s answering only me directly (“I AM eating them muuuum!”).

If I’m playing with only her and MIL or PIL are just in the room chatting to DH though or reading their books, absolutely I will be using only English. Stick to your guns OP.

Does your DH speak your language btw? Since the kids are getting plenty of exposure to English outside the home, could you and DH switch to speaking your language to each other inside the home?

You are being ridiculous.
You and your mother were rude. If your mother can't speak English then you should translate so everyone can understand. If she can speak English there is no need for you to be speaking your native language when the others don't understand.
I live abroad and am fluent in the language. I often have visitors from the UK and when they meet my friends here I translate so everyone can understand. I would never dream of commenting about one of the people there in the language they don't understand.

Then you are being ridiculously dramatic about the children. Of course you can teach them your native language but really you should have been doing "one parent one language" from birth so that they could grow up bilingual and have all the advantages that brings. I teach English in a school here. The children who have been brought up bilingual in the language of the country and another language are incredibly good at English too. All of the families are using the "one parent one language".
This would have meant that your children speak to your mother and you in your language and to their father and the in laws in English. In mixed company what would probably happen is that the children switch easily between the two languages and with time they'd learn something (which you don't seem to have done) that you assess the situation and decide which is the most appropriate language to use.

You are totally over reacting. Speak to your children in your native tongue. My DC speaks 4 languages. Sometimes she speaks with her partner in a language I don’t speak but I do understand. I did get ratty about it before but now I reply in English - our mother tongue or in German.

Yes! Definitely involve the police. This is just the kind of ‘crime’ they’ll happily spend time investigating.

I think everyone us being a bit unreasonable here. My dd's boyfriend speaks English as a second language, so I am trying to learn his, which he find hilarious, so its a bit unreasonable your in laws won't even learn the basics. Your dm was incredibly unreasonable by insulting your in laws in another language in front of them. Absolutely unacceptable. You are unreasonable by being over dramatic in insinuating they are denying your identity and banning you from speaking your native language. Your DH is unreasonable by not putting up boundaries in asking them not to visit every single day.

Are you living with your in-laws.

well that's some over dramatic nonsense isn't it. so speaking it so you can talk on code about other people. that's what they mean. you can do what you want in your own space and with your own child. where is your DH in this?

She wasn't insulting them, she just said "I've asked them so many times to call me by my name and they won't"

Please continue to speak with your kids in your native language. It will be an important part of their heritage and so much easier to become bi-lingual if you do. Ask them to speak English to your in laws, and speak English to other adults in their presence, but your kids learning your language trumps their feelings.

You have obviously upset them with the comment your mum made in your language, which was the wrong thing for your mum to do. They clearly picked up on the tone. It isn't right to talk about someone negatively in front of them in a language they don't understand. Apologise, say you will communicate with adults in English in front of them, but it has to be different with your kids. As your children get older, it will be easier for them to understand which language to use at what time.

And try and encourage your DH to learn your language too, so he can better understand what you and your children are discussing in his presence.

She was talking about them effectively 'behind their back' though, in front of them. She'd have presumably just said it in English otherwise.

Just don't speak it in front of your in-laws, I don't see how this stops you from speaking it to your kids in general or teaching them your native language. I wouldn't let anyone tell me what I could and couldn't teach my children.

So I would say it’s reasonable to ask to speak to adults in English while you are around only English speakers. It’s only polite. I do OPOL with my children and I only speak in my native language with my children, even when my in-laws are present and they are OK with that (but I only ever speak in my native language to my children wherever I am so they can see that it is not personal to them but just consistent). So I would put that as your compromise. You speak to your mum in English in front of them, but you will continue to speak in your native language to your children.

I haven't seen anyone suggesting that the children should be taught that their second language is "rude and inappropriate". What they shouldn't be taught is to use their second language as a way of excluding people from a conversation or insulting them in the hope that they won't realise. Teaching children to be bilingual doesn't override teaching them basic manners!

From someone who has bi and tri lingual children and grandchildren I can assure you you’re children aren’t going to grow up not speaking your language unless you’re in-laws live with you 24 hours a day for ever.

And even if they did live with you it’s perfectly reasonable to to say to them I will be speaking to my children throughout the day in my own language and English.

I think you should understand that even though your in-laws don’t speak your language they’ll have known instinctively what was going on between you and you’re mum.

It is your language and you should definitely teach it to your children. Your in laws have no right to stop you speaking it but you could ask your mum not to use it in the way she did.

Also, ask your in laws not to call your mum Grandma. In fact, if they refuse I think she would be perfectly entitled to speak her language in front of them.

Ok OP, you need to calm down a bit.

1. Your in-laws are rude to refer to your mum by a name she doesn’t want to be called. So you need to correct it every time it happens.

2. Your mum was rude to bad mouth your in-laws in a different language whilst in the presence of the in-laws. She either speaks to you privately once they’re gone, or she says it in the language you all understand (presuming English). The in-laws most likely realised she was badmouthing them and this has caused them to react in this way.

3. You have every right as the parent to teach your dc your language, and your in-laws have no right to tell you you can’t. So speak to your dc in your language as often as you can to help them learn it. If you are in the company of your in-laws then you either don’t do it for the 30 mins a day you are with them, or you offer a translation afterwards to the in-laws.

4. Your dh is pathetic and needs to tell his parents that you will be teaching your dc your language. Being bi-lingual is a fabulous gift and a benefit. So he needs to embrace that.

You are making excuses for her rudeness by being pedantic. You should have just apologised. They were also rude btw for not using the name your dm preferred.

I would tell them you will agree on one condition - that they learn your language as you have learnt theirs

As your Mum was being rude about them can see their point.

Be more of an issue if your Dmum english is not good and that would exclude her from the group.

However IL can not stop you speaking your native toungue with your own kids - FFS. If they object you say - this is me passing on my cultural hertiage to my DC. Kids who are bilingual usually pick up rules about who and when to talk to in which language without any drama,

If you and your mother can both speak English, then you need to speak English in front of native English speakers if you're in England - but as you were slagging them off, you decided to speak in your mother tongue. I bet they knew you were being nasty, as it always shows on the speaker's face.

Unbelievably rude and ill-mannered. (of you)