My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Your Mother was rude and with this update about being called a grandmother then add is ludicrious she IS the childrens grandmother!
As for speaking you get the choice no one gets to dictate that... find you back bone and tell them.

My MIL used to speak her native tongue to family when I was in the room. I knew they were often talking about me, or at the very least I was excluded from the conversation.

It was incredibly rude and I would leave the room. And yes, the change in tone, looks and body language were obvious they were talking about me.

What you and your mum did was incredibly rude. Your in laws clearly realised you were bitching about them in front of them.

it doesn’t seem like they have asked you never speak your language again though? You’re being over the top.

You do know that you don't have to do what your in laws tell you, don't you? You can make your own decisions about what language you speak to your children in! How old are your children? If you want them to be bilingual, you should have been speaking to them in your native language from birth?

Im not sure what you mean about this grandma business...do you mean they are saying for instance 'give grandma this, do this for grandma, ask grandma to move etc? Or are they addressing your mum as 'hello Grandma, good to see you '

Thinking about this, @Kate8889 I would address it directly.

Firstly, a a PP says, correct how your mother is referred to every time.Nicely. But clearly,

Secondly explain to your ILs that you want the DC to learn your language too – and why if that will help (cultural reasons, great for their language development, open up opportunities later in life) so you are going to continue to speak to them in Spanish (Urdu, Panjabi, French) even while they (the ILs) are around. But ofc when you are including the ILs you will switch to English.

So when the ILs are there and you are joining in games with the DC or they are helping get tea ready, you can chat in your language. But take care not to use it as cover for rudeness (which is what I still suspect my bf's parents were doing about me but anyway).

You are going to extremes. They asked you to talk in English around them which reasonable. That doesn't mean you can't talk to your kids in your language. It means while their grandparents are there, you talk to them in English. If the kids talk to you in your language, you say sweetheart, let's talk in English so grandma and grandparents can join in the conversation. Also, if you want them to learn your language its better that you mostly talk in that language, but 20 minuyes a day of mum tslking in English won't hurt them. My friends' children speak English, German, French' and Polish. They swich effortlessly depending on who they are talking to. Sometimes they get it wrong, but they correct themselves.

To be fair it it doesn't need an app or a genious for the following sequence

• You do something rude, for example address someone in a way they asked you not to.
• They utter something you don't understand (other language/very quietly)
• You guess that they are commenting on what you said - proving you are perfectly aware you are addressing them in a way they don't like.
• Instead of agreeing an acceptable way & doing better, you decide to comment on their comment.

Both parties are rude here.

Tell them to fuck off, they've had years to learn your language and they clearly haven't bothered

You and your mum were incredibly rude.
You're being totally dramatic saying you can’t now teach your children your language! Of course you can! They can speak whatever language it is to your mum and English to their dad’s parents. It isn’t rocket science!
Why is your mum there so often that she’s around your in-laws so much?

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Your mum was very rude. You don't need to speak the language to figure out that someone is slagging you off, body language and tone is often enough.

You have ample opportuinity to speak your language to your kids. If they start speaking your language in front of your in laws, correct them. The same with the grandma issue. They say grandma, you correct them.

Well, they're your kids. So you can say,

'hello in laws, thanks for letting me know how you feel. I totally understand that in a social setting, over dinner, at your house etc, that it could be difficult for you and we can absolutely speak in English in those scenarios. However, the kids are learning both languages so day to day I will talk to them in my native language as and when I need to/ want to.'

End of conversation!

Rude and your mum is rude

You should not speak English at all to your children in any company. At the very least until you are completely sure that your language is well established, i.e. that they not only understand it well but can also speak it fluently themselves.

Passive bilingualism is reasonably easy to achieve. Active bilingualism is a much more delicate project, especially when the community language is English.

Do not take advice or instructions on this from anyone who is not themselves bilingual or has successfully brought up a bilingual child because they talk a load of uninformed bollocks. This includes your in-laws and most of the people on here.

At the same time, don't talk shit about people behind their backs. Tell your in-laws every time to stop calling your mum something she doesn't want to be called. Tell your DH to support you on this point.

She is the children's gradmother and she doesn't mind the children addressing her in that way (nana).
That doesn't mean other adults has to talk about her like that when she isn't comfortable with that

Well you obviously don't have to do that just because they've asked!

However when you are in a group the polite thing to do is speak the language everyone can understand. And especially don't use your own language to say rude things about people in front of them.

Can you tell us more about the cultures / language / ethnicities involved ? Do your in laws perceive your culture to be inferior to their own? Does your DH often side with his parents against you? Are you expected to toe the line because they are wealthier? Do you own your home?

Yes, as that’s just common courtesy.

You are being dramatic and deliberately obtuse. Of course you can teach your children to be bilingual and speak to them in your language. Just not for 30 minutes a day and over lunch on Sunday. It’s not hard.

Part of raising bilingual children is teaching them what language to use in what scenario, that’s 101 and everyone in this situation manages it, so what’s stopping you? If they start speaking your language in the small timeframe you are with your in laws just say ‘no, we speak English with grandma/grandpa’ and respond to them in English. It doesn’t take much for kids to learn this. I’ve had several friends raise kids to be bilingual and this is all entirely possible.

Frankly you seem determined to find stumbling blocks here. “They’ve asked me not to use my native language in front of them and I’m devastated.” So do it while they’re not there.

“Oh, but they’re there so often, and now I can’t teach my children my native language and it will ruin my legacy”. So everyone suggests there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t teach them; just get them to use English while the in-laws are there. “But I can’t guarantee they won’t use my native language though!!”

So welcome to real life, where children don’t always behave exactly how we want all the time. All you have to do is gently remind them.

“But the in-laws are always there, it won’t be worth teaching them; they’re in daycare all day, when will I get the chance to do it?!” Well your children were in daycare regardless of your in-laws views on your native language. You must have had some plan around this.

Stop thinking you HAVE to do everything your in-laws ask. Yes, you and your mother shouldn’t be having private conversations in front of them in a language they can’t understand, but that’s easily solved. They don’t need to all be together all the time anyway. And it doesn’t mean you can’t teach your children your native language.

Start looking for solutions instead of problems. Why not say “I’m going to give the children language lessons on Wednesdays from now on, so perhaps we could see you on Thursdays instead?”? And no “But they won’t like that, though!” or any of that mawkish moaning. If they don’t like it, tough! Learn when to use the word “No” - in both languages.

I can understand them being upset if you & your DM are talking in your native language in front of them as it does come across as rude.
However I can't understand them having a problem with you talking in your native language to your own children. It's surely in the DC's interest to be bilingual.
We have a DIL who's first language is not English & should she and our DS have children i would hope/assume they would be bilingual. Our DS is already learning her language so that he can understand her family as most of them do not speak English.

Assuming you’re living in the uk, then I think it’s incredibly rude of you and your mum to speak in another language in front of other people who don’t speak your native language. I understand that you want your children to be able to speak your native language, but there is plenty of time to do this when your in laws aren’t there.

You can still speak it and teach your kids, unless you are with the in-laws 24/7?

why not? And at the same time you can teach them that when ina group, its polite to speak a language that everyone iunderstands....and never to use a language barrier for rudeness as your mother did, although I can sympathise with her annoyance at being called a name she does not like.

How old are your children?

You say you were hoping to teach your mother tongue to your children. If you want them to be bilingual presumably you have been speaking to them in your own language since the day they were born.

If so, in my experience they will easily be able to switch from one language to another depending on the context and will learn to speak English to their English-speaking grandparents in the same way they presumably speak English to their father and your language to you. Bilingual children are incredibly adaptable and can even switch language mid sentence. I think you are making unnecessarily heavy weather of this.

If you have not brought your children up to be bilingual so far, is there a reason why you chose not to?

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you can speak to your children in your native language and they will grow up bilingual. You will just be teaching them manners and that it is rude to purposely exclude people you are with at the time if you use it for that purpose. 🙄