My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

The comments here are so interesting because my husband and I have several languages between us and we'd never dream of telling each other to not speak each others native languages with our families in front of each other. As long as its not deliberate exclusion I really don't see the big deal.

It’s rude to speak a different language that some people present don’t understand.

Obviously your in laws are completely unreasonable to think they can demand you don’t teach that language to your child. I’d not give that request a moment’s thought.

Well that isn't reasonable and they should have absolutely no say in that, why did you agree? Teach your children your language!

Then she could also ask them to apologise for calling her mum by a name she doesn't like.

I think they can ask but you don’t have to say yes.

Also, you’ll still need to speak to your kids in your native language, if you want them to be fluent. So maybe the natural consequence of their request is you don’t see them every day.

Also, you’re allowed to ask them again not to call your mum grandma. She isn’t their grandma after all!

You know that there is a big difference between not speaking a foreign language in front of if people when they can’t understand, and NEVER speaking it with your children?
you also don’t HAVE to do what in laws tell you…

If you actively tell your children that it's rude to speak the language in front of other people who can't speak it you are telling them that it's rude and inappropriate in front of others and should only be used in private. It's so so counterproductive if you want your children to actually be able to speak a language well and be proud of their heritage. They should certainly be speaking English to their American grandparents but never encouraged to do so to their mother or maternal grandparents.

OP, find a specialised group or forum for parents raising bilingual children. There are quite a few on Facebook. Ask the same question there and hide this thread.

Speak your native language! Teach your children. Put some boundaries in place with your in laws and stress the importance of your identity and language to your husband.

They can't control what you do when they aren't around.

It IS rude to talk in a languages others in the group can't understand but that doesn't mean you can't speak in your native language at home, or when they aren't there.

You sound like you are catastrophising.

But her feeling the need to say that to you in a different language so that others can’t understand is rude in itself. She could have waited until later to say that to you.

I don't understand your point. Speaking another language directly in front of people who can't speak the language is clearly exclusion, whether one agrees that it 's reasonable to do it or not.

YABVU. I’ve witnessed extended family (teenagers) doing this and being told off by their grandparents for being so rude. And rightly so!

Op you have a lot of people on this thread trying to explain to you that speaking a foreign language in front of people is considered rude, in a scenario where you are doing it so they don’t understand.

i’ve explained to you in the first reply that i’ve seen people told off for this in a work place.

Why are you not listening?

Tell them to get fucked - but be sure to say in your mother tongue!

It seems rude to some. Some of us find it ok.

I work with people who speak a common language that I don't speak. It doesn't bother me.
If you were briefly working in, say China, would you speak to your British workmates in Mandarin? I'd find it awkward and unnatural.

If they were talking about me, I'd know - the non-verbal language changes.

I think these are two different issues. It was rude for your mother to criticise your in-laws in a language they couldn't understand while sitting with them. However, asking you not to speak your native language at all when they're around seems excessive. Your language is part of who you are and how you communicate with your family. The real issue is not the language itself, but using it to have conversations that intentionally exclude people or discuss them in front of them. And on this occasion they were right to be suspicious,

I'd agree that in the UK it is very common for adults to refer to grandparents by their grandparent title when children are present: "Give that to Grandma" or "Ask Grandma if she'd like a cup of tea." Its to show respect and to avoid confusion with the grandkids as they wouldn't really say pass this to Anita, they don't know their Grandma as Anita.

However, if someone has repeatedly asked not to be called Grandma, it is courteous to respect that preference, even if it seems unusual.

Finally, no one is denying you the opportunity to speak your own language and teach your children, I think you are being a bit dramatic. You spend a short time with your inlaws so surely you can speak English in front of them and your own language when they are not around.

I can understand why your in laws would be uncomfortable given that they clearly know you were talking about them, in front of them.

As for the rest… have you heard yourself? Take a step back - you’re not allowed??? How old are you? Stand up for yourself and your heritage. And each time they call your mum Grandma, correct them. Or your mum does. If they persist then stand up to them and TELL them not to call her Grandma. Respect is a two way thing.

But no way are you not ‘allowed.’ You’re a grown adult. Of course you can teach your children your language and speak to them in it. It is however, rude to exclude others when you are in their presence, by speaking a different language when you can all speak English.

Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself.

This is ridiculous. I cannot fathom the attitude of people on here. Of course your children should speak the native language of their mother. That's an enormous benefit to them in so many ways - for connecting to their heritage, their family, their culture, and bilingualism will help them with job prospects & support more language learning.
So yes you absolutely should always speak to your kids in your native language. And if your in laws have a problem with that then ask your husband to have a word with them about their ignorance & their racism/xenophobia. He should be supporting what's best for his children, not what his mammy wants.

Of course, you should teach your kids your native tongue, no one could stop me!!

Tell them to piss off. They are not in charge to tell you or your children what language to speak.

Well technically in order for them to be bi lingual you should only speak to them in your tongue and your husband speaks to them in english until they are fluent in both, however ive known families similar to yours and the kids know grandparents and friends are in english only.

They do not get to dictate if your children speak more than one language, it will actually be hugely beneficial long term to them dependant on the language. Have you always spoken english to DH, does he know any of your language?

It’s rude, if you are around other people who do not know or understand the language it is rude and should not be done in company what a way to make those around you uncomfortable and it was used for that also if your mother was discussing them so unknown to them they had every right to worry about what was said.

But you did say that what she said wasn’t complimentary- which would imply that she didn’t want them to understand, and therefore spoke in another language. It would have been much better to stand up for herself in English, or for you to do it if she cannot speak English well.

This is still saying something negative about them without them even being able to understand so I'm sure they got that sense. That is incredibly rude.

It's extreme to say you can't speak that language around them ever but surely there is plenty of time in the rest of your life when they are not there to speak in your own language with your children.

Your in-laws have been rude to ignore your mum's request which has resulted in them becoming defensive.

Quite separately, I wouldn't comply with their request, I don't see the issue with you and the children speaking in your mother tongue