My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I would never dream of asking others to change the language they speak for me

It's her MO.

Because they paid for the house doesn't mean they get to say what goes on in it all the time! If that were the case I'd say sell up and give them back the money.

Then there are two options:

1. Give back the house and buy your own

1. Remain in the house they bought and ensure your mother and you remain courteous.

This.

So by that logic, if I chose to move to Germany then all of the German people I make friends with should have to learn English and English culture and I don’t have to bother learning German? It’s the duty of the native speaker to learn all the languages of the immigrants is it?

By all means,teach your children your language. Nothing wrong with this and it will be an advantage for them to be fluent in another language.
However,it's rude to speak said language in social situations where other people cannot understand you,especially when they know you can speak English perfectly. My friend's wife does this all the time and it's annoying when you are sitting there,isolated,because you don't understand what is being said. And I say this as someone whose first language is not English.

Yeah but in this case they probably picked up that it wasn’t anything nice being said and that’s what tipped them over.

Either way I’d just tell them I’m sorry they’re only able to speak one language and they’re welcome to learn. That’s what I say to everyone that tries to make fun of my accent.

If you are in a group setting its considered rude to speak in a language that some of the members don't understand - unless there are particular circumstances.
For example i was visiting a friend in Damascus who spoke perfect English and some guests from Lebanon arrived who only spoke French and Arabic. So we all switched to French. .When I wanted to leave I asked my host in English for directions to the nearest taxi rank. But it would have been obvious to the guests that I was not discussing them because taxi is the same in every language.

yeh I picked up a few words and phrases. Obviously I couldn't begin to understand two fluent native speakers though.

Fair enough if you think they were not rude. I was excluded from the convo tho, as we sat at the dining table together. It's not as tho it was like the OP's situation where she is teaching her DC.

Your children will learn to interact with you and your mum in your native tongue and in English with her dad and his parents.

These are your children. This is your family. You make the rules. And the rule is you always speak your native tongue to your children. If your in laws don’t like it, tough.

You and your mum need to stop being dramatic. And to firmly tell you in laws this is part of your identity. You are the woman their son decided to marry. And you are passing it on to next generation. And you are doing it as you’ve been advised to. Full stop.

Switching languages will only ensure your dc stop speaking the language. My dh did this in his language. Dd can’t speak it. As for your mum, I get it irks to be called grandma. But it’s so minor.

It is quite simple I think - don't speak in your native language any more to your mum if with the ILs as it is rude. If you are not 'in a conversation' with the ILs then do as you wish. Eg i wouldn't sit at the dinner table with ILs and the kids and chat to the kids in your language, but if one of the kids is putting their shoes on to go and ILs are around but not dirwctky talking to you I might say 'put your shoes on' in your language. Why do you feel you have to kowtow to them? I would just say - have thought about your request, happy to not speak to the kids or my family in our language if at the table with you or on a call, but otherwise think it is important for the kids to be connected to their heritage and good for them to learn a language at an early age so will keep teaching them.

I have to admit, if someone reverted to their native language in my company, I would assume they were talking about me. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I would wonder why they switched. I think it would be different if they were addressing a child, as it would be more plausible they were practising the language etc. Although, unless you're around your in-laws 24/7, there are other opportunities for that.

If you have visitors who do not speak your native language, it seems very rude to speak another language in front of them (unless you or your Mum are struggling to find the right word in English and can help eachother). Also, your ILs probably picked up something was being said about them, you can tell by body language!

I have a friend whose native language is Gujarati, her husband spoke Portugese and Gujarati when they met. When I first met them, she had been here four years and her DH eight years - sometimes they struggled with what they wanted to say to me, but they always spoke in English when I visited them. They have three children, who speak excellent English. The older one is also fluent in Portugese and Gujarati and the younger ones are apparently getting there. I admit I can only speak English, but it shows it can be done. They also celebrate cultural events in their home and I've been invited to them - everyone has very kindly spoken English even though everyone else speak Gujarati - I'm made to feel welcome not isolated which I totally appreciate.

Bring your children up with both languages. This will give them huge advantages - the brains of bilingual children are brilliant at all sorts of cognitive tasks including learning more languages.
Remind DCs it’s rude to speak in a language that the people present do not understand (as long as there is a common language available of course) so yes English when your in-laws are there, your language when with your family and when you are talking to them.
You originally said the length of time spent with your PILs is 20-30 mins per day and longer at Sunday lunch, now you say it’s 30-45 per day of 2 hrs per day you have with your children. Can you cut this down? I assume you also get time with the children during the morning routine?

Can you spent social time with other families that speak your language? Hopefully your DH is also learning it (though the kids will pick it up massively more quickly and totally show him up!) I think the Wales children (Royal Family) have a good grounding in Spanish because their Nanny spoke it with them.
Any chance of finding a school/nursery where your children can have some interaction in your language?
Good luck

Is there groups in area which speak your native language?

I know in the UK there are groups that meet on a weekend or an evening where the native language is spoken all the time. The children also learn to read and write that language and about history and culture.

There re so many benefits to being bilingual and your children should have that opportunity to benefit from 2 languages.

Does your husband speak your language? Can you all speak it when together.

My preferred language is sign language. None of my family ever learnt. So I speak English with family and sign with friends. When my child was born i had planned to sign with them. Unfortunately, this did not go down well with family. Under pressure I agreed to only use English. It is a huge regret. They have learnt some sign but they don't have the fluency they would have if it had been from infants.
The issue with this is they do not feel comfortable at groups where sign is used so it limits the time I can spend in an environment I feel totally at ease

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. Bilingualism is such a gift so keep it up, keep using your language with your kids - when in-laws are around you could add the English as well so they understand and maybe in-laws will pick some of it up.

With your mum in front of your in-laws I agree it’s a question of politeness. Again use your language but maybe use some English with it or offer translation so that it’s clear what you’re talking about.

Presumably your mum speaks enough English to have understood what your in laws were saying, that she felt she would complain about it to you, in front of them, but in your shared native language. That was rather rude of her. Especially if they know she can speak English enough to converse in English.

I know it comes naturally to revert to one's native language around family and in most situations I doubt anyone would mind. However, I suspect that in this situation, even if they didn't understand what she said, they could tell by her tone of voice and body language that she was talking about them and it wasn't complimentary.

Your mother needs to be more careful. There are phone apps that do translations of speech. Perhaps she's being doing this sort of thing often to deliberately exclude them from the conversation. They could easily have had one of these apps picking up on her being unpleasant about them.

It's quite ridiculous to say that you can no longer teach your children your language because they don't want you to speak it around them. Of course you can teach them. They can be fully bilingual and still manage to speak English to you when in the company of their grandparents, but like most people who have been bilingual from a very young age they will switch back and forth in one conversation - even in one sentence sometimes! Presumably you speak English at home to your husband anyway, so it's not as if they won't hear any English apart from at school.

I bet you'd consider it if you thought that they were using a language you didn't understand to insult you! Still no acknowledgement in any of your posts of how rude you and your mother were being...

It's clear that everyone is annoyed about someone or something here.

You (ideally you and your husband together) need to adjust things so they will work a bit better.

• They need to accept addressing your mum politely (so not "grandma" if she doesn't like it).
• The adults shouldn't talk to each other in different language when all together.
• You talk with your children in your language - preferably your DH learns enough to roughly understand, but you don't have to wait for that. If children use your language around ILs it is different than when adults do so.
• Re-evaluate how the time spent together with everyone works and your family time alone works.

it isn't about language, but combination of habits, approach, control and just different people spending time together and having different preferences.
Often the easiest way is making sure everyone get some bit they want.

My DC talk to me in my language and have the manners to explain to non-speakers if they need to know. Doesn't seem to have caused problems but we don't slag people off.

One of my aunts doesn't speak the language, and when I was growing up all the adults spoke English at family gatherings. I swore I wouldn't do that. She understands the language but doesn't speak it.

I live in London where over 50% of our primary school class has at least one parent that speaks another language, and (rightly) speaks this with their child, no matter who is nearby. Lots of them do the 'one parent one language' model, where they try to always speak in their own language to the child so that the child gains fluency.

I think it's absolutely fine to speak your own language! Why are your in laws not learning some words!? Speaking multiple languages has significant benefits for brain function. Might benefit them... :)

It is a gift to be bilingual - I presume you have always talked to your own children in your language as well as English?
Don’t speak it around your ( controlling) in- laws, and keep persevering with them not calling her grandma.

@FiveEightNine , The adults shouldn't talk to each other in different language when all together.
Fuck that shit. I am not switching to English from my own language in my own country to talk to my mother.

It is rude to talk about people when they are there in a language they don't understand. They didn't know what you were saying to your mum- that's the point.

You can teach your children your language you just don't communicate in that language in front of people who won't understand what you're saying. Its very simple.