My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

They didn’t choose to move to a different country. They didn’t choose to bring her into their family. They aren’t responsible for her mental load. You could definitely argue that her husband could make an effort to learn, but I’m not sure why you think it’s on the in-laws.

My daughter’s best friend is Italian. She spends a lot of time at my house. I said I would try learning a bit of Italian and she told me that was a weird thing to do, unless I was fluent it’s not as if we could have a conversation and she would spend twice as long trying to work out what I was trying to say.

Ordinarily using the local language for group chat is more polite, I'd agree. However the OP says the iLs have been repeatedly asked to use her mother's name and to stop calling her Grandma. They simply refuse. That is bloody rude of them so in this case its not unreasonable for the mother to use her own language to ask why they persist in being so rude.

There are significant cognitive advantages to being bilingual and one of the best way to achieve that is using OPOL from birth - especially if their day care only uses one of the parental languages and even more so if that language is English. If the iLs invite themselves to the OP's house for about half the children's daily time with the OP and they bar her from speaking to the children in her own mother tongue they are effectively blocking the children from any chance of growing up bilingual.

The OP speaks to them in English but she is perfectly reasonable to say she wants to talk to the children in her mother tongue in her own home. She should stand her ground to teach the children her language and her DH should support this.

You just speak your mother tongue with the children when others are not there. I do. I always speak German with my kids when around their grandparents as they speak no English. It would be bloody rude to do otherwise.

No, I think you are massively reaching. It depends how long and how frequently that person has been using their second language. And you have no idea how fluent OP’s mother is in English.

I think you need to discourage your mother from using your heritage language to say rude things about people who are present obviously, but at the same time I'm surprised at the negativity towards other languages in the replies you've received. I wonder whether most of them are from monolinguals, because there seems to be no recognition that it can be quite difficult to switch languages with people you always speak to in another language. Most bilingual and multilingual people appear to accept that it is not inevitably rude to speak something other than the language they speak. It seems a very Anglocentric attitude.

My mother tongue has been very adversely affected by this kind of expectation. With a language that is dominant in another country, perhaps this concern isn't as pressing. So the example of French speakers accommodating the sensitivities of visitors who cannot speak French on a one-off basis doesn't have the same consequences. When our children were small we always spoke directly to them in Welsh. My husband learnt as an adult and I would have been appalled if my in-laws had thought it appropriate to ask us not to speak Welsh in their company. If I thought that my PIL or anyone else needed to be aware of what we were saying, I would give them a brief summary in English. Fortunately my children's paternal grandparents saw it as an opportunity to learn some key phrases and understand more about their grandchildren's shared culture. They were the same with their other grandchildren with mixed heritage too.

People need to be much more accepting of linguistic and cultural differences and variety, and not to think that it's all about them. I think your in-laws are out of order, but probably need some reassurance. As we say in Wales, "Dal dy dir".

So, work trip to a facility in rural France where the staff don't speak English. Everyone here is cracking out their GCSE French to communicate with their English colleagues at all times, yes?

You don't think it would be a polite gesture to try and embrace the DIL's culture and put her mother at ease by showing you value her language?

we are the other side of the coin here. We have a lovely DIL, but she insisted on speaking only her native language to the children and as they lived in her home country, it wasn’t really until secondary school age that the children were fluent in English.

She "insisted" on speaking her native language in her own country to her own children? What should she have done? What language does your son speak to the children?

You may not know this word in English - if not, please look it up. Disingenuous.

Gosh, missed that. Imagine insisting on speaking to your own kids in your language in your own country 🙄

especially important when the language is one that has been oppressed, as Welsh has been!

The reason English was the common language in this situation was because they had all gone to the same international boarding school, because their parents worked in the oil industry. The non English speaking couple were related to one of the couples. Had my husband and I been the only English speakers and they had a different common language, the conversation would have been translated for us. I’ve been in work situations where that has happened for me and it was fine.

I’m not about to sit and wring my hands about a colonial past I had no part of, and for a schooling system which changes its mind every 5 minutes about which other language we should learn. Those who speak English as a second language have generally been through an education system which made it a priority. It’s not like they decided off their own backs to go and learn a bunch of different languages either. Is someone who speaks English and Italian expected to also learn German, French and Spanish in case they end up at a multi-lingual wedding table.

I haven't read the whole thread, but as a modern languages teacher, I would absolutely speak to your children in your native language. Bilingualism is an incredible gift, and it would be a shame if your children didn't grow up bilingual.

The usual recommendation for bilingual families is for each parent to speak to their children exclusively in their native language. This is called the one-parent one-language model. Even if the children don't necessarily respond in the same language, they will grow up understanding what you're saying, and if they eventually spend time in a country where your language is widely spoken, they will be able to start speaking with relative ease.

Your inlaws and DH are being madly provincial (bigoted, even) by not wanting you to speak to your children in your language.

There must be a lot of websites / resources out there for bilingual families. Here's one website I found with a quick google:
https://raisingchildren.net.au/babies/connecting-communicating/bilingualism-multilingualism/raising-bilingual-children-tips

The advantage to your children of growing up fluent in a second language FAR outweighs any minor discomfort your inlaws may experience by not understanding what you're saying to your children in their presence.

I feel very strongly about this! Stick to your guns and be polite but firm to your inlaws. When you speak to them, obviously you would speak English, but when you speak to your DC in front of them, you should speak your language. This is the best method to ensure that your DC eventually become fluent.

Well said. Isn't it why you sing 'Yma o hyd'.

I think it’s your right to speak your language to your children. It’s is your mother tongue for goodness sake. Also, if your PIL are being rude why can’t you complain to your mother?

British people don’t usually understand because they usually only speak one language and most people on here speak English.

On the other hand, with your children being resident in the US it would be usual for them to speak/ prefer to use the language of their social group. Maybe they could join a group that speak your language during the holidays or at other times? Maybe a friend’s house? Hopefully you can wiggle it around a bit to let you and your children access their maternal culture.

This @Kate8889 . Calm down and be reasonable- you will speak you language to the kids because it’s important they learn it. You will speak English to your in-laws. You mum should speak English to the in laws unless she can’t, but she certainly should say mean things in her own language in front of them.

Your in-laws could of course learn your language to help them connect with you and the grandkids,

Again, in OP’s situation everyone is fluent in English. Nobody is cracking out GCSE anything. Totally different. The work trips I did in France where only my colleague and the meeting leader spoke English, he was the translator. The room had two non French speakers. I spoke English and the other guy spoke Japanese. Nobody was bothered by English being spoken because they knew neither of us knew enough French to be able to follow it fully.

This sounds like quite an unusual (to me) set up and it sounds like you are scared of speaking plainly to your in-laws.

There may be cultural differences I missing, but in your shoes, I'd say something like:

"Of course I'm happy to keep adult language to one everyone can understand (because it is rude to switch languages to complain about someone in their presence), however, I will be bringing up my children to be bilingual. Because we currently see you everyday, it won't be possible for me to avoid speaking my native language to my children when you are present. They need regular and consistent exposure to become fluent. I also will not be correcting them if they switch between languages as they learn as this is completely normal and expected for bilingual children.

If you do not want to be around me speaking X with my children, we'll need to limit visits to once per week maximum. Otherwise i'll have to ask you to be respectful of how I choose to raise my children, including not commenting on the language I use. I'll leave the ball in your court for how you'd like to proceed".

You do not need your in-laws, or even your husband's, permission to teach your children your native language regardless of who paid for your home. If you split up he would have no say in the matter 🤷‍♀️

You are missing the point. If it is rude to speak a second language if one person present is a monoglot, everyone here should be happy to switch to GCSE French in that scenario, even to talk to their English colleagues.

Please please teach your children your native language. You really will be doing them a dis service if you don't.

I’m sorry you don’t know what you are talking about.

Raising kids to be bilingual has different methods but the most effective one is OPOL - one parent one language. That means that one parent always speak in one language to their child even if others don’t understand. Obviously not to badmouth these people in their face. But just speaking a language others don’t understand in this particular scenario is not rude.

now, if you are visiting an adult couple they are of course polite to switch to English. Or if you with a group of friends. Or in a scenario described by OP where adult mother said something rude about people present in her language. Thats all rude but it’s not the same as following OPOL method with a child

By all means speak to your mum in your native language on your own but in a group where others don’t understand you and you are quite blatantly talking about them is the height of rudeness.

Yeah maybe. But I don’t think that rudeness means they should exclude them from the conversation.

They sound annoying and seeing them everyday is something I’d be fed up with.
And the request to not teach her children that language is staggeringly unreasonable.

I call my Mum "Grandma" in front of my children. Because...she is their Grandma.