My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Asking you not to converse with your mother in another language in front of them is perfectly reasonable, it’s rude. They get absolutely no say in whether you choose to teach your language to your children though. They are entitled to their bilingual heritage.

I regularly have people temporarily switch to another language, I’ve no idea what they’re saying as I don’t speak their language. Its fine, its completely normal when you aren’t surrounded by people who only speak one language.

I'm with your in-laws you were purposely speaking it to slag off his parents it's rude! ☹️

Ocer half the world is bilingual. From our POV it is fucking rude of monoglots to assume their experience is the norm and the rest of us should just suck up the cognitive and emotional labour of letting you stay comfortable in your minority bubble.

Criticising people in a language they don't speak obviously isn't on and no one has said it is, but talking to someone in your native language when not everyone understands it even in a social situation is fine, this happens all the time in areas where people are multilingual, its really no big deal.

I've noticed that Brits abroad are always careful to switch to the local language when out and about, just to be polite and inclusive

So why can’t you talk to your children in your native language? Surely for 20-30 mins a day it won’t hurt to speak a language that you all understand. You’ve got hours left in the day to speak your language. It’s rude to sit and speak in another language that not everyone understands, it’s more rude to talk about others present in a language they don’t understand.

Do they ever do it to insult you on the mistaken assumption that you won't realise what they're doing, and that's completely fine with you? Because that's very clearly the question I was asking, which you haven't answered.

It’s not really a good question all we have to do is read what OP has wrote.
Op said 20-30 mins a day and longer for Sunday lunches. They have lunch on a Sunday when children aren’t in daycare and maybe they call in the evening at some point? OP didn’t say for lunch everyday

Maybe those people aren’t talking about you though. If someone is talking about you their body language gives it away, OPs mum obviously was clear she was talking about OPs in laws so much to the point they asked her not to speak her language in their company because they obviously knew and it made them uncomfortable

No, the OP's mother spoke in her native language to ask the OP why the iLs were continuing to be so rude to her.

Perhaps she should have simply said in English "honey, are your iL's pig ignorant and stupid or just bloody rude?"

Not while out and about but in someone else's house, shops, cafes etc I'd try to speak the local language.

It[s like being a non-driver who has never learned to drive expecting other people who have put in the time and effort to drive them everywhere.

As I already said, I do not speak their language.

Have you tried to bring up a child bilingual in an English dominant culture? Even if they have full time OPOL its really difficult, in this case the children are also in English speaking childcare all day.

The OP and DH work full time so like most parents of young children they have a couple of hours in the evening. The iLs rock up for half of that time each night and demand the OP speaks English.

I would not tolerate someone telling me how to speak in my own house and bring up my own children and normally MNers wouldn't either - well they wouldn't if the OP wasn't a "furrin" speaker.

Exactly. It's the norm around in my bilingual community, but I don't think English-centric people get it.

I don't think so! The majority of Brits aren't known for their foreign language skills.

To bring up a child bilingual you really ought to speak to them in your native language 100% of the time so yes, switching to English for 20/30 minutes a day can hurt, especially if the children are reluctant with the language as it teaches them that mum can talk English to them so might always do so if they refuse enough.

Move further away. They are far too dominant in your life. A couple of times a month is plenty, you need more family time that isn't all about your DP's parents.

She could have just said in English (because it's clear from the OP's posts that her mother can speak English) "Please can you remember to call me [whatever] and not grandma?" Rinse and repeat, just keep saying it and they're the ones who look bad for not listening (and by all means grumble about it in whatever language afterwards!). Using her native language to complain about the ILs when they were sitting right there was only ever going to cause problems, and that's exactly what has happened. And FWIW, I suspect @MrRydersParlourGame is correct that the request only applied to her in adult conversations and was never actually an attempt to prevent her from speaking to her own children in her mother tongue.

Rather uncalled for. I do not find languages easy to learn but have A level French and did a year’s Italian at university. Trying to pick up a new language at nearly 70 I found very hard but did go to classes and could cope when people spoke very slowly. However, the family, when speaking together, spoke incredibly fast.
How many languages do you have?

Your sarcasm detector is on the blink ;-)

Especially if the kid is in English daycare / school, exposed to English on TV all day etc. OP gets maybe 2 hours a day to expose the kids to her language and the ILs are using up quarter of that.

No-one expects late language learners to become bilingual. It is about showing willing, recognising that the second language speaker is shouldering an extra burden in communicating with you, and indicating that you value their difference and the precious gift of bilingualism they are giving your grandchildren.

FWIW bilingualism is not a nice to have additional extra. If my children were not bilingual, they would not be able to communicate with all their grandparents. I will not compromise on that to keep monoglots comfortable.

Did you miss the point in the OP's posts where the iL's have been asked many times to use the correct name for her mother and they just ignore it? So they are rude and ignorant.

Presumably you and MrRydersParlourGame also missed the OP's posts where they are expected only to use English whenever the iLs are in the house - which is every day for approx half the limited time they have with their children after work. Or the post where her DH is agreeing with this rather than supporting her and have the language conversation with his parents.

As I said in a previous post - even with full time OPOL its extremely difficult tor raise a child bilingual in an English dominant culture. There are also significant cognitive advantages to raising a child bilingual. I'd expect supportive or caring grandparents to be keen to foster their DGC language development.

Either the iLs are deliberately trying to prevent their DGC acquiring full facility in another language or they are just pig ignorant and domineering.

It says a lot for their view of the OP's culture (and possibly race) that they dictate to her how she should only speak in English in her own home with her own children when they enter the house (which will be whenever they feel like it).