My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Of course you can speak to your children in your native language and then repeat it in English immediately.

I think speaking in a language that aims to exclude people from a conversation is rude. I think doing it to say nasty things about the people youre excluding, in front of them is atrocious.

Your mum speaks enough of their language to be upset with how they addressed her. Either of you could have corrected her in a language she also speaks but instead you called them something knowing they couldnt understand what was said in front of them.

Thats not a culture thing.

And they arent saying dont speak your language theyre saying please dont do it in front of them, excluding them

And if its important to you that your language is spoken in their home and family you could offer to teach your spouse and in-laws some of your language?

Well first of all you can say no. Its my heritage and I will be teaching it to my children so you will hear more of it.

But also offer to teach them

As an example your mum likes Bibi..

When your in laws say grandma, just immediately interject "Bibi. Shes their bibi/Were using bibi to refer to my mum with the kids. Please try and remember so the children understand who youre talking about"

And remind your children shes Bibi.

And get your spouse to tell their parents

Why should she accommodate them? You should have tried harder to learn the language. People in this country are so lazy and entitled about languages, it's actually pathetic.

This is absurd and unnecessary. I don't think there's an issue with occasionally repeating things so that people don't feel shut out, but thinking that someone needs to repeat everything in English immediately is ridiculous. The grandparents need to understand that being bilingual enriches their grandchildren's lives and that in order to become balanced bilinguals she needs to use a straightforward OPOL approach. Repeating everything immediately when speakers of the culturally dominant language are present gives the impression that their mother tongue is somehow inferior or shameful.

Well yes, this. Also didn't this jump the shark when OP said the in laws that she has been very rude to paid for her house?

Lots of people on this thread commenting without knowledge of how bilingual language development works. I do agree that its rude for adults to talk in their mother tongue in front of other adults that do not understand it, and especially rude to insult them whilst sitting next to them. However this should not apply to children, OPOL method recommends that you should talk to them in your mother tongue at all times whilst their language is developing. Especially if there is just one person in household speaking the minority language. Good luck OP, just use majority language with adults and your mother tongue with your little one.

Of course you can. Just because they told you not to doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It’s not their call.

When in a group, it's extremely bad manners to speak a language that the rest of the group don't understand. Especially when your mother was, in fact, insulting them! She is very rude and has clearly brought you up the same.

Speak it to your children when the inlaws are not around, it's not like they're there every minute of every day. Don't be so dramatic.

You are an adult and don’t need to comply to your in laws wishes - just be a bit more sensitive around them, no doubt they could tell your mum was talking about them.

Legacy? Wow. How dramatic. And here I taught my child two languages simple because it's good to be bilingual. I did not realize I was passing on my legacy. 🙄

That's because she is 'Grandma' though. You wouldn't refer to your mum as 'Grandma' if her preferred name was 'Nan'.

Wouldn't it be simpler all round to just use whatever name your MIL has asked for - you and the kids? Maybe then, unless she's actually racist which you haven't said, she'll be happier for you to use whatever language you like. Also, as a PP has said, it's usually quite obvious when someone doesn't want others to know what they're saying, whether that's another language or a whispered aside. I bet that's what she picked up on and, understandably, didn't like.

Don’t be weird. She’s in the US. She needs to get ver her chip on her shoulder about speaking English with Americans.

OP does your DH speak your native language?

It's OP's mother being referred to as Grandma by the ILs when her preferred name is Abuela or whatever.

Oh sorry, my mistake. The same comment applies though.

It changes things completely. You seem to miss the point of the OP.

Speak to your children on your own language whebever you like. Your inlays have to put up with it or be around less. They sound controlling.

Well, you are being ridiculous, that gives plenty of time to speak your own language, it’s rude to speak your language with you mum when there are other there. It leaves people out and makes them feel excluded.

This. We're a trilingual household, but when DS was growing up, I spoke to him exclusively in English (the minority language when we were in DH country). Now that he's older/fluent in English, I now speak to him in DH language in front of his paternal GPs.

For OPOL to work, you have to be consistent when the children are little.

OP, is your language Spanish by any chance? Since you state that you're in the US, and I know culturally it seems to be looked down upon (whereas in Europe, it's prized).

Oh, and I'd cut back on the daily visits. Far too much!

If you don’t live with your in-laws, of course you can teach to your children. You and your mum can chatter away as long as the in-laws aren’t present. But it IS rude in front of people who don’t know the language, especially if you are complaing about them.

I agree with 99% of your post.

It's not 'British' people though, it's 'English' people! We live in a fully bilingual part of Wales, and bilingualism is the norm in most of Europe.

I always speak Welsh with my mother, and intend to do so as long as we're both around. Don't care who else is present. It's not rude, it's as natural as breathing in and out!