My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I don’t believe that you really think you cannot now teach your children your first language and speak with your children in that language. All you have been asked to do is not have private conversations in that language when you are sitting with people who don’t speak it. If you really don’t understand why it’s rude, imagine people whispering when you are sitting with them. That is almost the same. They are excluding you the way you and your mother excluded your in laws

How convenient that places all the cognitive and emotional burden on the non-monoglots, rather than the onus being on monoglots to make an effort to learn a smattering of the other language

OP has presumably gone to great pains to learn English. She[s been in the family long enough to present her in-laws with children, plural. They are fucking rude not to have made any effort to learn her language.

You don’t have to agree with their demand. Simply tell them that you see each other so often that it’s not a reasonable request. You need to speak your language with your mum and will continue trying to teach it to your children.

But why are you devastated, I don't understand, they can't force you to do what they want. Just say no, I will speak to my children in my language, they're your children not your in laws. That said, having an aside conversation with your mum in a different language is rude. Teaching your children your native language is not rude.

Of course it's not rude.

I get it, as Welsh speakers we're often 'told' to stop using our first language and it's not on at all. We treat non-Welsh speakers with grace and politeness and wouldn't anyone to feel excluded, but there's nothing wrong with using your native language.

Why should they need to when both their grandchild and op can speak the same language as them? Makes no sense. Bilingual people can very easily switch from one language to another and speak fluently in both.

Might be a different story if op lived in eg France and the English grandparents were going over to visit - then there’s definitely an argument for the grandparents learning their language. But not in this situation where they are all perfectly capable of speaking English.

Oh don’t be silly, you have hours and hours EVERY day to talk your own ‘legacy’ language to your children. You’re just being a drama queen now.

Why?

My sister has a Polish husband but they live in the UK and he speaks fluent English.

When he can speak perfectly to us in a language that we all understand, what would be the point of us trying to learn Polish? (although I will say we have actually learnt a few phrases over the years)

At first you said it wasn’t complimentary, now it’s something else?

The bottom line is, she was using a different language in order to hide what she was saying to you. That’s rude. She could have said it directly to them, in a language they understood, or mentioned it to them later. She didn’t and that’s why the in laws have made the request.

Nobody is stopping you teaching your children any language. You are choosing not to do it, you are making excuses for not doing it. You have weekends and holidays and before/after school. The only time you don’t have is the 45 minutes you are with the in-laws daily. You can speak to your mum in your language, you could go out and meet other people, join or start an online group, offer classes in it, you have choices, you are using them as an excuse. You must have known when moving somewhere and marrying someone who spoke a different language, you would have less opportunity to speak your native tongue? What did you think would happen?

Regardless of what your husband thinks, or your in-laws, you can tell them you will be speaking your language. But when you choose to do it in front of them with the sole purpose of hiding what you are saying, that’s not acceptable.

The main issue here is that your ILs think they are the boss of you. And that your spineless DH would rather upset you than upset them.

You need to be polite, yes, but you are failing your own kids if you miss the chance to raise them as bilingual.

Put your foot down.

You CAN teach your children your mother tongue but when you are in company you should NOT be slagging off people in your language. Its very rude

Sorry Op, I think you need to draw some boundaries. Your in laws don’t own you. Ask your mother not to say things about the in laws in front of them, people can generally tell this is happening. Then tell your in laws that you want your children to be bi lingual, so sometimes you’ll be speaking in your native tongue, and it’s also understandable that sometimes you and your mum will speak your native tongue. They’ve got a total cheek asking you not to. If they want to be included in all conversations then they can learn your language.

Completely agree. It's mentally harder to speak a second language than it is to speak your first language. Have you seen the bit in Modern Family where Gloria laments how much smarter she is in Spanish. That is what it feels like.

The OP should be allowed to speak her own language to her children. And also do other things according to her own customs. My in-laws had to get used to this a bit, that their grandchildren were not exclusively English.

Because it[s hard fucking work to learn a second language and live in a foreign country, and it would be polite of them to acknowledge that and attempt to share some of the mental load, not to mention thank their DIL for the precious gift of bilingualism for their grandchildren.

Your DH needs to be firm 'come on, you've been asked to use her name, its upsetting that you won't' but you absolutely speak in your native when they aren't there, don't be so wet.

monoglots gonna monoglot I guess

Your in laws are being ridiculous. Continue to speak to your children in your native language, apart from anything else it's very beneficial for children to grow up speaking two languages from the start. But mainly, they are your children and what language you speak to them in is no business of theirs.

Cognitive and emotional burden?? I’m talking about where people are fluent in the languages. If people some people aren’t fluent then the most widely used language would be used and translated for the 1 or 2 that can’t speak it. This is just common sense.

It appears in OP’s case that everyone is fluent in 1 language but only 2 in a second language. Therefore everyone should speak in the language that everyone is fluent in. It’s just basic manners and common sense. They can hardly all stand around speaking a language that most of them cannot even string a sentence together in can they?

I’m another one on here that speaks Welsh. I hardly ever use it these days but even if I was to randomly come across someone who can, I would stick to the language everyone can understand in the group.

That’s not even close to this situation. Where there is a common language in a group, you speak the common language.

I was once in a situation where there were 8 couples of 4 different nationalities at the table and all but one couple spoke English. Their friends translated for them, but the common language was English and nobody thought they were being rude if they spoke their own language, it was a great experience. What’s happened in this situation was, everyone was speaking in English, but for one comment, they chose to speak in their own language to hide what they are saying. Any suggestion that is not rude is laughable. My friend lives in a different country and is bilingual (as are her husband and kids) they speak English when we visit, only reverting to their other language when they are having a marital fight in our presence. It’s really funny, and not rude at all. But if we were all sitting chatting and one turned to the other and made a comment in a the other language, that would be rude.

i’m not sure why this is difficult to understand.

English is a language OP understands.

You are massively underestimating the cognitive effort of functioning in an L2 on a daily basis.

I’m a bit baffled, they asked you to only speak English when with them, you don’t want to only speak English with them so you just say “no, sorry I won’t be doing that, I want my children to grow up bilingual so I’ll be speaking to them in my langiuage and .english.” Just because someone asks you to do something doesn’t mean you have to. Their word is not law

any guesses as to why English tends to be the common language in this sort of situation? Might it be polite to check your privilege as a native English speaker in some circumstances?