My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I would go potty having to spend so much time with in-laws. Can you cut it back? Drastically!!

Can you move away?

I don't think its exclusion when two people have a brief conversation in the language they are most comfortable in, in front of others. Its what is natural and it happens often. Maybe because I come from a multilingual society and I'm in a mixed culture marriage I'm used to it. My mum briefly saying something to me in my native language is not excluding my husband.

It's got feck all to do with your "legacy" & everything to do with the fact that you & your mum have been caught out slagging off your in-laws in front of them.

There is plenty of time for the kids to learn your language. Your in laws are simply asking that you all speak English when they are there

and you explain to the kids that’s what will happen so they won’t speak to you in your native language

you are being incredibly rude to think it’s acceptable for you, and your kids in the future, to speak in a language your in laws don’t understand

and you are making it more difficult than it is.

you speak to them in your language and your husband in English at home. When the in laws are around you aall speak English. Simple

Agree, I did wonder if OP’s mother couldn’t speak English but that’s not the case as far as I can see.

There is no issue in raising children to be bilingual but responsible parenting means guiding your children on appropriate etiquette surrounding that - ie, to speak English when their US/English speaking family are visiting. It shouldn’t be a big deal to say ‘Gramma Sue and Grampa Steve are here to see you, honey, so we speak English now, don’t we?’

Aside from anything else, OP should be raising them to be BI-lingual, not to speak English as a second language. They are living in and likely to go to school in the US so their primary language ought to be English, with Urdu/Farsi/Hindi whatever, spoken at home on the understanding that it is just for when they’re alone with mum/grandmother or other native speakers.

The in laws called her ‘grandma’. Which was rude.

She told her dd she doesn’t like being called grandma by the in laws.

How is that ‘slagging them off’?

Many things can be true at once OP.
First - your parents in law don't get to tell you what language you speak to your kids. Grow a spine.
Second - it's rude to exclude people by deliberately speaking a language they don't know.
Third - if your mother has a problem with 'grandma', she needs to sort it out herself, not get you involved

Speak whatever language you want to your kids. Use English when you PILs (or anyone else who only speaks English) is part of the conversation.

Seriously, why is this even a question?

so you talk to dc and your mum when they are not around? It’s perfectly normal to speak your native tongue but switch to English when others are around. Children benefit from having you speak both languages

Dramatic much? They clearly know you are talking about them ans would prefer you not to teach your children to be rude as well. Jeez.

Your in-laws constantly using a term for your DM that she has requested they don't use is rude of them - why didn't you, or she, call that out at the time instead of using your native language to have a secret conversation?

Generally it's rude to talk in a language others around you don't understand if you have the capacity to speak a language they do. There are a few exceptions, but general chat isn't really one of them. So I can see why they'd ask. Given your DM was bitching about them (albeit with cause) it's pretty easy to see why they might be getting upset by it, it will probably have come across as not very nice.

And now you talk about your in-laws' request as though it's a law you can never break. Which is a bit weird - is that just you not coming over well in English? I can totally see why you'd want to encourage your children to be bilingual, that's a great goal. And it's not one your in-laws get a say in. You can do that and refuse to engage in side conversations with your mum in front of your in-laws.

Is there some odd family dynamic going on here?

(I'm assuming your DM speaks English too, otherwise this whole thread seems to be off on a tangent you should have cleared up at the start.)

Ps it’s normal to all speak the common language when in a mixed group, I was away in the summer and there were 8 nationalities with half being local, everyone used English in discussions where non locals were included despite disadvantaging locals who weren’t fully fluent in English (most were but some weren’t though their English was pretty good despite them saying otherwise!) politeness in a group setting. They aren’t with you all day so you switch when they leave

Of course you can. Nobody has said you cant speak to your own children in whatever language you want. Just while you are visiting their grandparents you speak their language.

Bit OTT. They can ask, you can decline and keep speaking your language when they aren’t there?

its rude to flip into another language in company when not everyone can communicate if you do.

now I won't be able to speak my native language to my children

Don't be ridiculous and don't let your in-laws dictate your life.

Millions of bilingual kids grow up all over the world.

Oh please you’re being overly dramatic. You and your mum bitched about them in another language in front of them and they were rightfully offended. They aren’t stopping you speaking your language to your kids at all, it sounds like you’re not very mature.

I speak Welsh. There were some people in work who spoke Welsh but I wouldn’t speak Welsh to them if there were English only speakers present as it’s a very rude thing to do.
That didn’t stop me speaking Welsh to my kids. I spoke it them at home but if we were out in company I would speak English to them.

Your mum was being rude and they knew. That’s why they asked for it to stop. People can tell when they are being talked about in another language.

In Britain it is very bad manners to speak another language when with others whom you know do not speak that language. It was probably very obvious that your mother was not being complimentary about your husband's parents as well.
They haven't taken your language from you, but they do expect basic manners when they are with you.

Oh stop exaggerating. Heartbreaking?
Of course you can speak your native language.

Just don't use it to be rude about people. Apart from anything else, you don't know who's listening and who can understand.

Then you say to your child (in English) “we speak English when grandma and grandpa are here so they can understand”(or whatever your in-laws are called).

Absolutely fine for them to grow up bilingual and for you to speak to them in your native language when your in laws aren’t there, which is the majority of the time after all.

it[s ruder not to make any attempt to learn the language of the woman your son has chosen to add to your family.

You don't use other languages to bitch about people in front of their faces.
People aren't stupid.
She could either Google or guess the intent or content of what was said.

You can speak whatever languages you like but not in order to slag people off. Tell your mum it's rude to criticise people on the sly like that, and if she feels that way say it to their face in a language you both understand or when they're not around if it's just bitchy gossip.

yes I[d love to see everyone on here speaking to their English colleagues in GCSE French on a work trip to Paris so as not to offend their hosts

Ignore them, they have no right to dictate what language you speak to your children. I'd be seeing a LOT less of these people.

Or the grandparents could get off their hineys and learn the relevant language. Why is that not an option?