My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

The problem will probably resolve itself when ILs no longer want to host DM and vice versa.

Probably just as well in-laws haven't learned the language otherwise they will hear themselves be insulted!

Why are you so passive to your husband and in laws?

You're not doing your children any favours.

Get them enrolled in classes for your mother tongue and tell your in laws to fuck off.

But your mum spoke your native language Infront of them to moan about them?

It's understandable your in laws are uncomfortable.

OP, your mother was rude, which you well know. Your ILs knew you were speaking about them and doing so in a way that ensured they didn't know exactly what was said. In other words, it was never going to be complimentary was it? 🙄

Throwing your toys out of the pram because you were called out is quite the overreaction. Not speaking your native language for the "almost every day for 20-30 minutes" you see them will not prevent your children from learning it.
It is reasonable for the ILs to expect the common language you all speak to be used for the 20-30 minutes almost every day you are together. It is your choice to conflate that to never speaking your native language to your children. No need to be so dramatic

Slagging someone off in your native language is just rude!

I have German friends. When we see them the whole family speaks English, as otherwise we wouldn’t understand. They are bilingual but we are not. If they kept chatting German among themselves it would be very rude. I am not trying to oppress their right to speak German at home or make them any less German. They are not heartbroken, nor do they feel their culture is being sidelined. It’s no drama at all.
If they used German to talk shit about me in front of me they wouldn’t be invited back.

Because the in laws rudely called her grandma. She is not their fucking grandma!

Do you call your German friends grandma?

Calling someone older 'grandma' is even ruder! Don't do it!

Because telling your ILs to FO makes for happy families and stable marriages?

Do your in laws call you grandma?

The in laws should have thought of that before calling OPs mum 'grandma'. It's fucking rude!

Maybe they should stop turning up announced at OP's home so much. Such rude behaviour.

What do you mean now you won't be able to? Firstly, your ILs can't always be around you and your children, unless you live together - and they've only asked that you don't speak it around them. Secondly, and most importantly - you don't have to do something just because somebody asked you to!!

Continue speaking it if you want to, but not in the context you did with your mother (which I agree is rude, it would be okay if you were perhaps translating something for your mother if she didn't understand what someone else present had said in English, but not for side conversations that would be better held in private). I think saying words or phrases in English and then in your native language to help your children learn vocab (and perhaps your ILs!) would be perfectly acceptable in their presence.

Tell you ILs that's how you'll proceed so they're clear. Apologise for the side conversation with your mother seeming rude to clear the air.

If I said sth my friends didn’t like I’d expect them to deal with it in English.

So the in-laws shouldn't speak English in front if the OP then? After all, English is also "another language " .

Do you live with your in laws? Or is it just that they don't want you to use your mother tongue when they're around? You're an adult and a parent so you can talk whichever language you want with your own children in your own home and out and about. I live in Wales and know a lot of Welsh speakers, a lot of non-Welsh speakers, a lot of Welsh learners so I know plenty of people who switch their language depending on who they're with.

Of course you can teach your children your language as it's part of your heritage and identity, you can immerse yourselves in whatever ways are available to you.

It does sound like your in laws are pretty rude in not calling your mum what she wants to be called but it's also rude of your mum to purposefully use her language so the in laws don't understand when she's moaning about them.

In our home it's totally fine when Welsh is used because it's not about other people

You're being shockingly rude, and also utterly ridiculous to say you cant ever speak to your kids in your own language.

You just dont like your in laws do you.

OP is bilingual and the ILs are not. Are you being obtuse on purpose?

why not? What you teach your children is nothing to do with your in laws. Just teach them not to rudely slag people off in that language while they are sitting there, and to speak in English when they are with people who don't speak the language.

I find it ridiculous that you are listening to your in-laws on this issue, are you not your own person? You MUST continue to speak your mother tongue to your children. It is extremely important that they learn it.

But the in laws got away with calling her grandma. No one insulted the in laws back. Even though they should have been dealt with.

We need an AIBU as PPs are split between you are rude / you do you.

Calling an older person grandma when they're not your grandma is shockingly rude.