My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

I think he's right, teach your children your language at other times, breakfast, bath time, weekends,etc.
If English is the common language then its polite to use it in mixed company.
Ask tell your in-laws to call your mum by her name, if talking directly to her, but if talking to your daughter, using Nana is correct as that is what she calls your mum.
Your mum was rude to hide her comment by using her own language.

It sounds like you’re looking for a reason to blame your I laws for why your children don’t speak your native language. Crack on teaching them. Little and often. TV/books in the language, play dates with kids who speak the language, time with your mum. It might not be immediate, but over time their skills will develop.

its rude to speak in a way that excludes someone when you can make a change.

they’ve obviously made an issue of it as they knew they were being spoken about.

You should be prioritising spending time with your children, this whole thread is bonkers.

You’re just changing your problem constantly. Your OP doesn’t say stop entirely, that’s obviously a ridiculous request that they should be told to go and jump. Your post says in front of them, that’s not unreasonable as it’s quite rude to purposely exclude people. Especially given you were bitching about them.

Ok to speak to each other briefly in your native language if you want a quick exchange and it's much easier than English for you both.

Absolutely not ok, and very very rude, to use your language to slag off your in laws right in front of them.

I really don't know why you would think that's ok to do.

I’m reminded of a Brit friend who was married to a Greek Cypriot, and living in Cyprus. She was on the large side, and one day was in a shop and having a browse, when she heard the two shop assistants being very rude about her in Greek.
Unknown to them, of course, she was pretty proficient in Greek, but carried on letting them think she was English, by speaking to them in English while paying.

But just before leaving, ‘I turned around and gave them a mouthful in Greek!’
😂😈😂

That's not what they are asking though.

Of course you can speak your native language around your children - don’t be ridiclous, but when your English speaking in-laws are present/visiting, then you bloody well speak English as it is polite and inclusive. And you NEVER use second language privilege to absolve you - or your mother - of despicably rude behaviour. Because it was shockingly inappropriate and, despite what you think, the sense of what she was saying was clearly telegraphed. Words are only one aspect of communication - facial expressions, bodily gestures and tone of voice are all part of the puzzle and they clearly understood she - and therefore you by extension - were being rude.

I am replying as a person who grew up in a dual racial/ethnic multi-ligual family (mother British, dad Iranian so entire extended family that we lived with until I was 8 spoke Urdu as primary/second language - and they NEVER excluded my mother or myself as a young child, even though it was THEIR home. In fact, they took the opportunity to teach me how to say things in Urdu, to create a bridge between cultures.

You owe them an apology; need to speak to your mother about her behaviour; and you need to speak in the shared common language when in company or with your inLaws.

But that is just self pitying rubbish. Your in laws can’t ppl ie how you speak to your children. I assume you aren’t physically with your in laws all the time? And if your mother speaks english, you are both being impolite speaking another language when with your in laws to talk about them.

Assume others here misunderstood your post. If not, they are just ignorant.

Perfectly fine speaking with your mom in another language IF that's the only language you can communicate in...

Why are you taking this to nth degree?! No reason to not speak your native language to your children. Most ethnic minorities speak several languages.

Honestly I think it’s very rude to do this in front of others. Leave the room if you need to communicate in this way.

Were you dropped as a child?! Why can't you speak to your children in your own language??

..and you're the obedieny little DiL...

Does your mother speak in the language your inlaws speak? If so, then you and your mother are being very rude to be speaking in front of others that cannot understand the conversation.

I don’t think it is rude as long as you not ONLY speaking in your native language and they are able to join in a conversation. You could say anything bad in English when they are not around so whats the issue?!

OP there’s nothing stopping you teaching your language to your children, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that in the context your giving here, it was rude.

Sounds fair enough to me. I presume your in-laws don't speak your native language but you can all speak English? So English it is when they are around.

Of course you and the children can speak your native language, just not when you are in conversation with the in-laws, because they can't follow it. Surely that's obvious.

There must be plenty of times when you are on your own with the children and can do whatever you like then. I don't see the issue.

However you try to argue it, your mother was using your native language to insult the in-laws. They wouldn't have understood that words, but it would have been very obvious what was going on and what she did was very rude, not remotely subtle. It's not OK to do that and it surely isn't a lesson you want to teach your children?? Is it??

You all sound a bit precious and ridiculous to be honest. Teach your children whatever you like and let inlaws deal with it,

Can I just say , I have a friend who has young children , she is married to a Spanish man she is English , the children have English and Spanish grandparents . The children speak both languages fluently and the youngest is 3 . They speak to the children in both languages . The kids naturally seem to know who to speak to in what language . I was amazed but the mum just says when they are young they learn really fast. Very occasionally they get mixed up and a Spanish word will slip out when they are speaking English but not often .
if I was you, I’d embrace my culture, stand your ground, they are your children and you decide how they speak. What does your husband say about it all, is he supportive ? Keep speaking to your children every opportunity you can , they will pick up your language .

I'm with your in-laws . Using your own language to speak unkindly isn't ok, you and your mum's body language has probably given them a inkling you were being rude about them . I wouldn't like it and neither would you .

This really is not a hill for your mother to die on. She doesn't have to be besties with your husband's parents, but she should be civil in their presence.

Is it remotely possible that her first name is something difficult for native speakers to pronounce? Your in-laws may be embarassed by that and so stick to 'grandma'.

You and your mum sound hard work. You move to a country where people don’t speak your native language and are then “heartbroken” when people request you speak a language they can actually understand when they are hosting you. Even though you are free to speak your native language at home.

Get you DH to deal with the grandma things, that’s a separate issue. Don’t use it as an excuse to speak a language your hosts don’t speak.

See your DM and ILs separately.

As in "go to grandma" or "here you go grandma" whike handing something to them round the kids? That seems perfectly normal to me tbh, I've heard that so much and is a nuanced way of addressing someone in a sideways way when they're round their grandkids, like saying "come on kids grandma has to go" or "would grandma like a cup of tea"

Your mum is being precious and finding offence where there seems to be none, but her asking and them not remedying it is rude.

Your in laws are also not the boss, you can do as you like, why are they in charge and why has an unreasonable demand turned into a huge catastrophe in your mind about your mother tongue not being part of your expressed identity anymore or your kids!?!

Everyone sounds hugely dramatic in your post tbh, your in laws are rude to ask you, but they also clearly heard the tone in your mothers voice when speaking to you in a language they don't understand, you're unreasonable to take what in laws say as law.

They are not entitled to do that, and how would they know whether you did it or not?

Have they got recording devices stationed around your house? I really doubt that.

Do what you like, but just don't use your native language as a way to insult them and exclude them. That is very rude. I really don't believe at all that you can't see that.

I speak several European languages with varying degrees of fluency. I always know when others have switched back to their native language to disparage me and I am fortunate in that I can address them directly and tell them (in their own language) that I can understand them and did not appreciate them doing this. You do get some very red faces when that happens and I quite enjoy it.