My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

love, @Kate8889 this IS the hill you die on.

you WILL speak to your kids in your native language whenever and wherever you want.

explain to your in laws that you have decided to bring your DC up bilingually and that you will be speaking to them in your language and your H will speak to them in English.

fwiw, your in-laws probably picked up that your mum was being rude, so especially as your kids develop their language skills, you don’t want them understanding what your mum is saying.

tell the in-laws not to call her GM because she doesn’t like it, and give her the green light to repeat the same. “I don’t want to be called GM thanks very much, please stop doing that”

your in-laws don’t control you or set the rules of your family.

be very clear with them and set them straight right now.

Speaking a foreign language is very clever indeed it’s so difficult to learn about in a lot of ways. Like playing the piano or performing a beautiful dance.

Why are you being such a doormat? Talk to your children in your native language, talk to your in laws in English and tell them that you are doing this to ensure your children grow up bilingual.

Of course you should not be using a different language in front of people who don’t speak it, especially if you are doing so to be rude.
Speak English on their presence and your language at home. Tell your kids to do the same. That’s what thousands of bilingual people do every day!

Really disgusted by how many people on this thread think it’s OK for English people to dictate that English is spoken around them at all times. If anyone tried to do that to me I’d tell them to fuck off - multilingually of course!

OP, they have no right. No right at all. Keep speaking your native tongue to your kids. You’ll regret it if you don’t

Unless you live with your in-laws, you can still do this. I don't see why you cannot speak your home language with your family and your children when you are together, but use English around your husband's family.

Of course you can teach your native language to your kids; it’s their heritage, too. But it must be taught alongside the manners and grace to know when it’s inappropriate to use it. Unfortunately, your mother seems to have missed this lesson.

Yes, many years ago I ( and many others) was on the receiving end of similar where 2 colleagues would speak in Spanish to slag off other employees.

Their discomfiture, (not to say horror as they tried to remember all the insults they'd come up with and I had passed on - I hadn't btw) when many months later they realised I spoke Spanish too, was its own reward!

Your mum used your native language to insult her hosts. Very rude. If your mum speaks English then she should do so with the ILs. You too. Speak what you want at home with DC and stop playing the racial victim card.

Number one - it is our language.
All our family bar a couple who married in and many of our friends are Welsh. It is only when there are non Welsh speaking folk present that we don't speak it.
I would have thought that is easy for you to understand.

No, she used her native language to point out that they were being insulting to her.

They refuse to call her by her name. That’s cruel.

@Kate8889
They probably guessed by your demeanours that it was nothing complimentary anyway
And it would also be considered the height of bad manners in a "mixed" group to do so
I'm with them
This sort of thing reiforces the "worst type of foreign in our country" stereotype
And we don't need that image says I,
Do we?

How on earth does OP see her parents too frequently? Her mum is just visiting OP in the USA. OP's mum lives in OP's home country. It's OP's DH's parents who are in OP's home every single day. They should let OP have this time on her own with her mum. OP's PILs sound very overbearing and rude and they should stop calling OP's mum 'Grandma' when she's has said many times that she doesn't like it.

I think what matters is that you are all able to speak one language that everyone understands.

Do we know if OPs mother speaks English fluently?

Your in laws can tell your Mother is being rude about them in her native tongue. This is rude behaviour. Around them, speak the language they understand. Tell them your Mother finds it rude that they repeatedly address her as Grandma after she asked them not to. Perhaps it would be better if your Mother didn’t visit with your in laws. It sounds like they are not going to get along.

I think that’s perfectly fair. They speak English when with their English grandparents and your native language at other times.
You and your mum were being rude.
I don’t understand all the drama and devastation on your part. You live in England and your DC has English relatives. They need to be able to communicate with them. There’s no reason why your DC can’t be bilingual.

Perfectly reasonable not to speak another language around them.
Nobody is asking you not to ever speak your native language FGS

@Aussiesgettingsmashed , It's as easy as anything. A little child can do it.

@DraigCymraeg , assuming you are in Wales and you were in the presence of several people who'd normally speak Welsh, you'd all switch to English throughout because of one non-speaker. That sounds like you think Welsh is inferior to English.

They’re correct . No doubt they could tell that you were saying derogatory things about them which is incredibly rude . I’m with your in laws

She needs to be less polite, you need to be firmer too @Kate8889

they are NOT the boss of you

The in-laws come to OP's house every single day. OP gets no time alone with her mum. She would need to tell her PILs not to visit and I assume that would go down equally badly.

I understand it's your identity, etc., and I respect you for that, but talking in your language to someone who doesn't understand what you're saying is very rude and inconsiderate. And calling someone grandma when she's clearly told people not to call her that.

I'm English, was born and raised in England, and I literally don't know, speak or understand any other language, but I've had people from other countries speaking not only their own language to each other when they're with me, but also to ME, knowing I have absolutely no idea what they're saying; then they get angry with me when I ask them to speak English, and, if they're talking to ME, what they're actually saying, as they could be saying absolutely anything!

Are you also with them in repeatedly calling someone a name they have politely asked you not to use?

So what? If you speak to them in your native language and your husband speaks to them in English, they will grow up bilingual, which is incredibly useful. Is your husband supporting you on this?

Ah Ok I did not see that. But having PIL every day is surely excessive. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell them she needs to have time with her Mother and she knows they are uncomfortable with them speaking their native language so they should come every other day for example.