My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

So as soon as your mum said what she did why didn’t you explain to your ILs that she was fed up with what they were calling her and preferred to be known as xxx? Did they assume she was calling them names?

Small children are like sponges, surely you've been speaking to them in your mother tongue since they were born? Bedtime stories etc?

My nephew is multilingual, and my sil has always spoken in her language to him, and my brother in English. They live in another country so they also all speak that country's language as well. He understood from around the age of 2 or 3 who spoke which language, and switched effortlessly to English when talking to my parents, and to his mother's language when he saw her family.

It's a wonderful skill to have and as an adult he now speaks five or six languages pretty fluently.

Your in laws are being annoying in calling your mother 'grandma' when she's specifically asked them not to, but that is a separate issue. They certainly don't get to dictate what language your kids speak.

You and your mum were rude to talk about someone in another language in front of them- no question

However …
Everything else in this thread screams “fucked up people pleasing”

• people visiting you don’t want visiting
• hugely enmeshed ridiculous routines
• family members telling others family members what to say and do!
• The kids not being able to embrace half of their culture because of what someone else wants
• huge obligations due to living in a house bought by someone else

You need to grow a spine and fight your corner for yourself and your kids.
Your husband needs to grow a pair and set some boundaries with his parents - gifted home or not.
It’s all absolutely bonkers but then you said you are in US and it all made sense 🙄

Sure. But you and your mother used your legacy to talk badly about them right infront their face. Knowing they wouldn’t understand you!! Maybe you should have thought about your legacy before you did that?

And anyhow, why don’t you share your linguistic legacy with your children when their paternal grandparents are not present? And teach them some manners as well??!

@Kate8889you know you can still teach it to your DC, right? 🙄

The suggestion was that you speak your language when your in laws are not there.

But the issue here is the IL were rude first. They were told to not use a certain word to call the mother and they didn’t respect her wishes.

Now if it was a situation where everyone spoke English as their mother tongue, the OP mum could have told them to behave. She could have reminded them about her boundary and ask fur it to be respected.
But when the language is not your mother tongue, it’s much harder to do. Including finding the right way/words to basically say ‘fuck off and behave’. It’s putting the mother in an impossible place where she might try again to say ‘please don’t call me xyz’ but risk to be brushed off or told she is rude because it’s not said right etc…
Or the OP has to step in and talk for her mum risking making their relationship worse anyway.

Cant you see theyre put in an impossible place?

Even more so that the IL have decided they can somehow chose which language ther grand children are speaking. Would you accept that if you were English living in Europe? No? Why is that…..

So yes, be rude, disrespect people boundaries and you know what you get back what you sow. Remarks etc… is it that surprising anyway?

This started over the inlaws calling OP's mom a grandmother. They acknowledged her status as the same as their own. But OP's mom took that as an insult. Being called a grandmother when you are one isn't an insult in any culture I know of. It's an honorary in some and a term of affection in some.

So her mom started this bullshit by talking smack about OP's inlaws right in front of them. That's ride and disrespectful. OP didn't shut it down from the sound of it and the inlaws are mad.

@Kate8889 , you've been on the gravy train with your inlaws. They bought you guys a house. Yet you permit your mom to disrespect them to their faces in the home they provided for you.

What would you do if your inlaws weren't providing for your family? Would you cut down their visits? Do you even like them?

Talk to your husband about living independently of his parents if you want that. Because it sounds like you take their gifts but maybe resent them.

Is it about speaking Welsh, OP?

This.

Tbh it's their dad that insists it's rude.

Can the OP also teach some manners to the IL who rude by ignoring the mothers wishes to not called grandma?

Maybevshe should teach them manners by refusing to have them at her house everyday. Bonus pound: she could speak whatever language she wants ans she would teach her dcs that it’s ok to stand by your boundaries and refuse to be ordered around by your IL.

It’s rude . Speak your own language when you are with people that speak the language.

Of course you can teach your children your language, just don't talk about people behind their back in front of them. Very woe is me post, mountain out of a molehill.

Tell them you have thought it over an it's a "no". Of course you will teach your children that language. Their mum is X ethnicity, so if their gran and the children are 50% X. It's part of who they are.
Your in laws have mixed grand children and they should be making some effort to learn the language too, as should your husband.

Don't take this to the extreme of not teaching your children a language that's part of them.

Why bother speaking Welsh at all then?

and maybe he has no clue as he speaking a well respected language - not every language is seen as valuable or ok to speak in every circumstances.

Maybe that’s a way to avoid any discussion Regardiess of the real reasons for him to say that.

fwiw that goes against tge One Person One language system to raise bilingual children….. and OPOL is probable one of tte most used system to raise bilingual children. Just saying….

What you are with your in-laws 24/7 and never spend any time alone with your children where you can speak your language?

There is 2 things going on here and I want to make it clear that I am speaking as someone whom English is not my native tongue I have lived in the UK for 38 years now.

Issue 1 Your mother should not speak about people present in a language they do not understand. Its rude. Your inlaws are also rude by not following what your mother has requested. So next time this happens ask them why they continue despite being asked not to. In English.

Issue 2
Tell your inlaws you will continue to speak with your children in your language as it is important to ingraine the minority language. However as you get them feeling left out when they are there you will translate directly after. So for example you say to your child. "Say thank you to grandma for the present" in your native tongue then you look at mil and say "I asked her to say thank you for the present" this will also enforce the minority language to your child. You could also suggest mil and fil learn some phrases in your native language.

I agree. Many families where the parents speak different languages use OPOL (One Person, One Language) so each parent always speaks to the child in their native language.

Being bilingual is a great gift and OP's children shouldn't be deprived of that due to over-bearing grandparents. Maybe they could use the opportuinity to learn the basics of OP's language.

It wouldn't matter so much if they weren't a constant presence in OP's home.

You and your mum are rude speaking to each other in a language that your in-laws don't understand, when you're all 'visiting' together' and especially when your mum uses the native language to insult your in-laws.

Your children won't be this little forever, you'll have more than 2 hours a day with them, so it is absolutely worth it teaching them your native language - and it's a wonderful gift to do so. I find your defeatist attitude over this baffling - dual language is an absolute gift, they can practice their English when your in-laws come over and your native language with you.

You see your parents WAY too frequently...

They're my thoughts on this.

But it's my legacy. I was hoping to teach it to my children,.now I won't be able to

Yes you can. Lots of people are bilingual. Just use the language of the people who are not bilingual when they are around.

Everyone here is being rude and weird!

However, you are free to speak whatever language you prefer 23 hours of the day so let’s not be so melodramatic.

Is there any local community of others that share your language? Finding a non-home context where your kids are exposed to the language, ideally with other children, could help their learning a lot. And will maybe make you feel less alone in it. Keep speaking to your kids in your own language. Your mum should as well. But maybe just reducing the amount of time the in laws mix would be helpful. I’d be really disappointed in your husband for not backing up the importance of consistency for language acquisition and strongly supporting your desire that they know your language as well as his. Is there any possibility of a conversation with in laws to explain the importance of continuing to use your language with the children? From your post it sounds like you don’t feel able to push back at all. Do they use the fact they paid for your house to have an outsized influence on your family life?

We're friends with some bilingual families. It's never bothered me when they speak to their children in the non English language but often that parent will do a kind of simultaneous translation, where they say the phrase in their native language to the child and repeat in English for everyone else. Could you try that?

Your mum was a bit rude in this case. Also, it's pretty common for family members to refer to each other by the titles the children use so the children know who they are talking about. I can my FIL, "Grandad Name," in group settings and he and my parents call each other Grandma/Grandad when the kids are around.