My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

If you read my post, I am just saying which is the best way to bring your kids up bilingual. It seems that the ILs spend far too much time at OPs house anyway.
I did not have a problem when my French friend talked to her child in French in front of me. One of my family members is married to an Italian and they always speak to their child in Italian. It just isn’t a problem unless you make it so.

This.
There's nothing wrong with speaking your native language, that of course should be encouraged and is perfectly normal.
Bitching about others in front of them in a language you know they don't understand is incredibly rude though!

I have a bilingual Welsh grandson. Since he was very small he has always spoken to us, his English grandparents and other family members, in English and he uses Welsh with his Welsh grandparents and family. I don't think anyone has ever instructed him to do so, he just wants to be understood! I'm sure your children will be the same.

So many posters who clearly don't live in multi lingual families or environments or work in environments where people speak multiple languages.

Its fine op, speak your language to your mum, and your kids. My family has two languages.. my partner speaks one with her parents and my son, and she speaks English with my parents and me and my son. My son is now fully bilingual, and I'm slowly getting there..

If my parents told her to stop speaking her native language.. to her son, or to her parents, they would be told to no. That is their language, and a big part of their culture, and having it spoken a lot is key to my son learning both and respecting both cultures and languages. That is true in England when they speak their language, and when we are in our other country and I speak English to my son in front of other people.

A lot of English people never really experience living in multilingual spaces, and get very precious about how useful and rude it is to speak another language in their presence. Ignore them and teach your future children your language and English.

Disagree with the comment saying it’s rude to speak another language. It’s very difficult to not speak your mother tongue to your family if that’s what you’ve always spoken to them.
It’s like trying to breathe backwards somehow. So I would disregard that comment. But equally your mum shouldn’t be talking bad about others, you can always tell by the tone 😅

Even if very hard to do (anyone who is bilingual know that you’re going to automatically use your ‘usual’ language with a person. Not doing do requires effort)
This. It feels weird and your brain switches to your first language.
If I spoke to a colleague or friend, my English is fluent and natural. Talking to my mum or sibling and I'm speaking like someone who has learnt English as a second language and I have to translate into English. It's stiff and unnatural.

Your mum used another language to be insulting towards your in-laws, they probably understood that was what was happening despite not knowing the language.

I am generally of the opinion that if you can all speak the same language then you should, you wouldn’t sit and whisper in the ear of someone so others couldn’t hear as it would be rude, and speaking in another language is also rude.

You can still have the second language and teach it to your children etc, but when in the company of people who can all understand one language, you shouldn’t choose to speak a second one to exclude people. Definitely make sure they’re bilingual, and at home carry on as normal, in public too, but in a smaller setting with relatives then I would speak to everyone in English.

Again, it’s not about the issue of other people speaking in a foreign language together. It is the issue of people doing it for the purpose of:

-Badmouthing others without them understanding
-Excluding others around them from the conversation

Both are considered rude, and can also be hurtful. People often do understand when someone is talking about them.

It would probably have been a good idea for you to have learnt how to be an adult before you got married and procreated tbh. However, too late for that now.

Teach your children your own language - if you don't, they'll miss out and when they're older, wonder why you didn't. Is it going to be easy for you to say, well I didn't because I don't have backbone enough to have done it?

There are several different things going on here.
One: it's rude to speak in a language which somebody present does not understand, so you should speak English when your in laws are there, or anyone else who doesn't understand that language.
It's up to you what language you speak at other times, and the inlaws have no say in it. If they are nearly always there when you are with your children, perhaps that is a problem that needs some thought.
Another matter is that you are accepting a lot of help from people who think very differently from you, which can cause a lot of problems if you feel you have to placate them or agree with them.

Come on! English is not my first language, I moved here in my 20s, and like most compatriots I know here, I speak in my language when with just my DH and children but speak in English otherwise. My kids are fully bilingual.
What could confuse children is having a parent who switches between both languages all the time. But hearing their mum speak in English (mostly to other people) for 30min a day is not going to have any effect.

They cannot stop you from speaking your native language, nor stop your mother from speaking it, nor stop either of you from speaking it to the children. But in any family, people need to be respectful/polite, trust each other, and compromise and that's apparently not happening here.

If you're fostering the children being bilingual, then logically it makes sense to extend the "rules" about languages to their grandparents. They speak your language with you, your mother, and whatever other relatives on your side or friends or community speak that language and choose to use it. They speak English with their dad, paternal grandparents, guests in the paternal grandparents' house, etc. Since you're living in a country where English is dominant, there will of course be times when everyone is speaking English out of courtesy or convenience. If your mother doesn't speak English well enough to keep up, then they have to accept that there will be asides in your language between the two of you and perhaps between her and the children.

Have you explained to your husband and his parents what the specific issue was that caused you to have that conversation with your mother in your language in front of them? They need to address/refer to your mother by her name as she has repeatedly asked, and assuming they have reasonable powers of understanding, they should be able to grasp that their behaviour was so odd that your mother reverted to her native language to ask for your help, as she had tried repeatedly but was not being understood by them when she spoke English and was distressed about this.

Your husband needs to be more involved and support you here: for the 30 minutes a day and the Sunday lunches when everyone is together, the main language will be English but there may be snippets of the other language if needed, which you or someone else who speaks both languages fluently can then translate if that makes them more comfortable. If the in-laws make this impossible, then perhaps it does make sense to cut down on the time you and the children spend with them, and/or see them and your mother separately.

I am actually from an environment where 2 different languages were spoken by my parents, and where previous workplaces have included many colleagues from other countries.

That is why I am saying it is can be rude. I have experienced at home and also seen first at work how speaking a foreign language to eachother in front of others can be hurtful, particularly when used to exlcude them from a conversation or to badmouth someone in fromt of them. People can tell from tone and body language.

I guess they do it because it's important for their children to practice English when in the UK, not because it's rude. If they ask their dad for a glass of water in another language whilst you're on the other side of the room watching TV, and it somehow offends you, you really should reflect on it.

Well seeing as you say you’re not going to be able to teach them your language, then surely they’re only speaking English anyway?

Your in laws do sound a bit bossy but speaking about them, in front of them in your native tongue when presumably your mother speaks English is not Okay.

However, your in laws do not get to dictate how you speak to your children when they are not around - I'd push back strongly on that or if that feels too much like confrontation, just get on with doing it without further discussion with them and if they raise it again your partner should really tackle it or just be bright and breezy, "I want my children to be bilingual - it's good for them" or whatever.

Your in laws should not use a term that your mother has asked them not to though. Your mother could try just ignoring them when they use that term, only responding when they use her name or correct them Every Single Time but not seem bothered about it (that will just highlight their rudeness without them getting any pay back).

I'd be inclined to try to speak only English when they are around but not make it a big thing with your children and if the children speak in your native tongue, respond in whichever language seems appropriate. There has to be some give and take here from the in laws too.

Hang on though, both parties are behaving badly toward one another but one is far worse.

Purposely calling someone a name they’ve asked you not to use, multiple times is demeaning and passive aggressive.

I have experienced this. I put up with it for about 3 days on a trip because we were staying at their house. Finally I said “You know, no one calls me that and I really don’t like it.”
They knew, they’d been at my wedding! Never once heard anyone call me that name. Acted shocked, like I’d smacked them. Next time I saw them they started to use it again as if it was planned (mother and daughter). I walked outside with the men, came back a bit later and it’s never once happened again.

I feel empathy for the OP’s mother who not only has to go through most family meals with her own language being sidelined, but is being diminished by people who don’t want her to exist or at least don’t want her to take up her full space in their presence.

We are Welsh and would NEVER speak our language in front of non-speakers. How rude. And your Mother was being unpleasant in front of them! Her tone alone probably gave them a clue.
Surely you can chat to Mum when other people are not present?

This...

It's is important for your kids to learn your language too.

Your DH needs to understand that it is a skill you are teaching them and that he should appreciate that not try to stop it.

Explain to your DH and your Inlaws that it is a skill which benefits the children and that you will continue using your native language with them. If they dont like it then cut down the time you spend with them.

Your mother's involvement is slightly different. Yes she should also use your native tongue to your children but if she is sat in a group of adults then the common language should be used to be inclusive.

We have 3 sometimes 4 languages around our table. My inlaws struggled with this initially (dh & fam all only speak English) But accepted that its good for the kids. My kids are now teens and using the common language around them as they do with school friends, but there are still issues when we switch for reasons such as language exams coming up or because wider family is involved. (Wider family contains little people who speak at least 2 of the 4 languages and my siblings and I generally respond in whatever they use in the moment - although not always very accurately as we are not all fluent in the same languages!!)

Do not give up your langauge skills!

Well your Dm needs to get over herself! If someone was talking to your DC about you, such as their teacher, would you expect them to use your name or to say Mum?
Teacher: Hey Sammy, can you tell your mum that you need to send in your reading book please?’
OR
Hey Sammy, can you tell Kate8889 to send in your reading book please?

You don't need to speak the language in question to know that someone is being rude about you. ILs are right.
Also I don't understand why you can't speak your native language around your children. Do ILs live with you?

Oh OP, I was all ready to agree with you but your example was exactly how not to use another language

My siblings and I were bought up dual lingual. Dad spoke my mother’s language. We spoke to my dad in English, to my mother in her language. My mother would never be rude to someone within their hearing even though she knew they couldn’t understand her. You and your mother were wrong to be rude.

You can stand up to your MiL by telling her why your mother was rude ie that she keeps asking her not to call her grandma but she persists.

Also, I would question why you feel so powerless. What is the relationship with your DH like? Why are your pil at your house so often?

Of course you can talk in your native language to your children. No one is saying that you can’t.
But it is rude in a communal environment to talk to your Mother in your language. Even more so when your Mother was making snidey comments.
Just limit the amount of time your in laws come over. It seems a bit overkill. My Inlawd live a 5 minute walk from us and we only see them every couple of weeks. We’re not all on top of each other. Your relationship with your in laws seems a bit stifling

That doesn’t make sense to me
why won’t you be able to speak to your children in your language- surely your in laws are only around for a short amount of time