My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Why are they around so often? Is your mum visiting from your home country? If so, your in-laws should let you spend time with your mum and your children without them always being there.

Could you tell your in-laws to stop calling her 'grandma' and to use her proper name? Do you call your MIL 'grandma'?

They've asked you not to, you are a grown adult, you don't have to obey or comply!

You carry on speaking to your DC in your language. Adults speaking together is a bit different if your DM can speak English but they don't have a right to demand you speak any particular language at all. Your kids' linguistic development is a priority and this is best protected by you consistently speaking to them in your language. It doesn't need to be a huge issue. My in-laws barely understand a word of English but they have never once made any negative comment about me speaking to my kids in my native language and can usually imagine what's being said as it's often things like "Sit at the table while you're eating." "Stop hitting your brother." "Please don't lick the carpet" etc. Sometimes the kids translate for them or we do and of course I speak to them and usually DH in their language. My in-laws just enjoy moments of slight crossed wires or funny things that come from this situation and marvel at their grandchildren's bilingualism (trilingualism, in fact as we live in an area with two dominant languages.)

How can your in laws be dictating what language you speak in your own home? Or do you live in their home? Regardless keep speaking your native language to your children. It a great gift to give them and research suggests this is the best way.

No no no.

English is not my mother tongue. I’ve spoken my other tongue to the dcs. Dh spoke English.
Bringing children bilingual is a huge favour you’re giving your dcs and it’s not up to his parents to decide what language you use with your own dcs.

Can I gently remind you that, even your PIL come everyday (and why oh why…) there are many more hours in the day when they’re not. So even if you speak English when theyre around, your dcs will still speak your language!

Please don’t stop.
Your history is part of their heritage too.
And it’s not rude to speak your language with your mum either.

It's considered rude by monoglot English speakers.

Going against the grain here. I think it is really important for children to be brought up bilingual if they can. The way to do this, and everyone I know who speaks another language has done this with their children, is for you to speak to them in your language and your husband to speak the them in his. Could you explain this to your in laws. Being bilingual has huge benefits. Among others it is thought to help ward off Alzheimer’s.
You should apologise for your mother but your in-laws are being dictatorial.

Body language and tone!

They are not stupid, OP. Have some manners. Only translate into your MT if your mum hasn’t understood something. Translate back if she can’t reply in English.

Nobody is taking anything away from you, don’t be so dramatic.

Since you live in the US, you know the norm here is to speak the language your guests, the inlaws, speak if they speak no others. Your mom talking shit about them in front of them in your native language is exactly why there's there's so much push back against speaking other languages in front of English only speakers. You need to shut that bullshit down. She needs to be civil and polite as a guest. So do your inlaws.

Whatever time you spend with your kids, you use your first language outside their visits. You put on the radio or TV in your first language. You send them to activities in that language. Buy audiobooks in that language.

Why is it rude??

Seriously, can you explain why?

Alsofwiw tge situation you describe is very dufferent. Those children NEED to speak English as much as possible do asking them to stick to English when they VISIT isn’t a problem. Even if very hard to do (anyone who is bilingual know that you’re going to automatically use your ‘usual’ language with a person. Not doing do requires effort)

But tge OP is in tge opposite situation. She needs her dcs to have as much exposure to her mother tongue as posdible. Why putting even more hurdles in their r way so you feel more comfortable being reminded you’re monolingual?

Quite shocked by the English supremacy vibes of some of the responses on here.....Immigrants have an absolute right to use their own language and this trumps the 'rudeness' rules. It's also essential, if you want to have bilingual children, to follow one of the bilinguilism strategies which could be either 1) one place one language (this works when both parents are of the same origin) 2) one parent one language.
OP absolutely should always speak to her children in her own language as that's the way they will retain it despite living in a society where virtually everything else around them, including all the other family members, is in English. If she switches between English and whatever her language is when the in laws are around (every bloody day!) the children will NOT become bilingual. There are massive pressures on children of immigrants to conform, not be different, and it takes virtually nothing to disrupt the bilingual pathway.
OP, you sound like you may well be young and vulnerable. You need to get tougher and stand up for yourself, and get those people out of your house - they genuinely have no business being there every single day, that's totally unreasonable and will affect your marriage long term.

And what happens when the IL says shitty things in English tge mum can’t understand?
is that ok because they’re saying it English?

No one is arguing that the kids can be brought up bilingual.

Op and her mum just need to stop being rude.

Who said that is happening?

@AbouttimeIhadanewusername , I don’t think the inlaws are trying to dictate which languages are spoken at home. If that were the case then tell them to butt out, OP. I would even speak in your MT to your kids (if still young) in front of others.

And it’s not rude to speak your language with your mum either.

It is in a group setting where others don’t understand. It’s “international good manners”, if you like, in both professional and social contexts that (if possible) you speak in a language that everyone understands. Obviously, if the OP is just with her mum and her kids, it’s perfectly normal that she’d use her native tongue.

My DD was very amused that her French teacher did the parents’ evening with her friend’s French father in French. Of course he did - that would be the most natural thing for both of them and it was a private conversation. If her friend’s (American) mum was there, he’d have done it in English. It’s not a difficult area to navigate at all. If kids don’t “get” the rules, you either gently correct them (X doesn’t speak Y so we are talking in Z) or just translate for the benefit of the other person. I’ve known many bilingual families and it has never been an issue at all.

But you don't have to agree this??

Are they doing that? Then OP's husband needs to discuss that with his parents.

This is a case of FAFO. Her mom fucked around and now her rather generous inlaws are pissed at being shit talked in front of them. What her mom did is considered really rude here. It started because the inlaws called her a grandmother, which she fucking is. There's no insult there.

In your own house you speak the language that you want to your own kids.

I am expected to speak to my in laws in their language ( which I do). My MIL tried to suggest that I speak to my own kids in that language , to help me learn it better. I didn’t. I thought it was a stupid suggestion, and said I would speak to them in my ‘mother tongue.’ Is called that for a reason.

You are being extremely dramatic,
Just do what most bilingual people do: use your native language with your children when it’s just your nuclear family, use the common language when your inlaws are around (or anybody else!)
I also work and « only see the DC for a few hours after work » on paper, but of courses there are weekends, holidays, mornings… and that is more than enough.
Oh and ask you mum to stop speaking about people in their presence in a language they don’t understand.

I would have given anything to have been able to speak a second language so that my children would be bilingual. You have the perfect opportunity to give your children a fantastic boost in life.
Please ignore your demanding in-laws. They have no right to dictate what language you speak to your children. Please, please give your children the gift of a second language and speak to them only in that language at home.

what do they call your MIL (DH mother) when the DC are there?

I exclusively talk to our children in Urdu, if people moan about it they always get the same response they if they are that concerned they can learn Urdu, if I can learn four languages, they can manage a few phrases in a second. I find it surprising that they don’t want to learn their grandchilds language.

Just tell your mother to keep reminding them “I prefer Anne.”

Also, tell them “The children are young and it’s the time for them to learn languages more easily. Being bilingual will give them a great benefit in the future. I am sure you wouldn’t want to deny them the opportunity. I’ll try to limit it when you are around, and can at least translate for you when it make sense.”

Don't argue, but don’t acquiesce.

You're being too dramatic, in-laws are not 24/7 next to you or kids. You have every single right to speak with them in your native language, the same like they speak English. I don't care if I hurt someone's feelings, me+kids always talk our native language.