My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Well, your first problem is that your husband isn't backing you up and supporting you over and above his parents

The second is that you and your husband feel beholden to your in-laws because they bought your house.

The third is that (perhaps because they feel entitled) your in-laws are spending half an hour to an hour every day at your house, during the very small two hour window you have to spend with your children in the evening.

The fourth is that your in-laws don't respect your mother enough to call her by her name.

Your husband needs to prioritise your desire for your children to be in touch with both sides of their heritage over his parents' whims, your in-laws need to stop by one evening per week (never mind them paying for the house) rather than every night, and they need to be told by your husband that it's rude to keep refusing to call your mum by her name.

It's a very simple solution, but does require a husband with a backbone.

except initially you said Mom said something not complimentary, so there was obviously more to it than "why do they call me Grandma?". she needs to be asking THEM that, or start referring to Mil as Grammy and Gramps.

how old are your kids? why haven't you started teaching them your language before now?

Oh get a grip @Kate8889!

Talk to your own kids however you want!

If your mum speaks English then it would be rude not to do that in front of your in-laws (because they probably know it wasn’t complimentary)

other than that, crack on! And grow a backbone!

No freaking way I would let any third parties dictate what lamguage I spoke to my kids.
Stand your ground op.

So for those relatively short times, you all speak English surely? Your children can still grow up to be bilingual. Presumably their dad speaks English?

So what?!

But you've said the ILs are doing that when interacting with your children. So it makes sense that they are calling your mum, grandma (although they should use Nana if thats what your mum prefers). It would be very weird, to me at least and clearly your ILs, to be having a conversation with the gc and say e.g. please pass this to Constance rather than please pass this to Nana. Your children aren't using her name so your ILs are just speaking how your children understand it.

Nobody is suggesting that they should only ever speak OP's native language in private - where are you reading this? Surely you can understand that there is some nuance to the messaging OP (and her husband) give to their kids around this? Sure, they could say "Don't ever speak [French/Italian/Spanish/whatever] in public, it's very rude and is only for use at home". Or they could say "Remember, granny and grandpa can't speak [French/Italian/Spanish/whatever] so when we see them we try to remember to speak in English so that everyone can join in the conversation". This whole problem has arisen from OP and her mother using language to exclude other people and say something rude about them - OP has a responsibility to help her children to behave better than that.

So you and your mum had a private conversation in a language you both knew others couldn’t understand. That is rude!

OP sorry but put your big girl pants on. Have an honest conversation with your in-laws.

You are going to speak it to your children and parents. However what you are going to do going forward if the in-laws are present is repeat it in English or whatever their native language is so they do not feel left out.

I mean, they’re your kids, you can say no to that.

That gives you plenty of time to speak in your language with your children.

Yes, exactly this. It's plain rude.

Yes, I have friends and extended family who, when I visit their home, will occasionally have exchanges in their native tongue, and I'd never think to be offended. They're in their home where they feel comfortable, and sometimes it's easier to think/speak in the language you grew up with.

Usually it's something along the lines of, while rummaging in the kitchen, "Darling, where's the -" And then they pause as though searching for the right words in English, and rattle off in their native language. Why would I be offended by that?

It is considered very rude here to speak in a language that not everyone in the group can speak if it can be avoided I.e. there is a language that everyone can speak.

I know that other countries/cultures don’t consider this rude but in England it is. I believe it is considered rude in France also as I live in quite a French part of London and all my French friends speak to their kids in English around me when I know that normally, at home, they only speak French to their children.

Kids are very adaptable, especially if they learn their parent’s language from a very young age. They will easily get used to speaking to you in your language when you’re alone and revert to English when around others without even thinking about it.

Why are you so afraid of your in-laws?

That's fair. Imo they are all in the wrong and should all apologise.
Good Dead Poet's reference, btw!

You're not listening. Your Mum was incredibly rude about them in front of them knowing they wouldnt understand. Awful behaviour

Some awful replies here, telling the poor woman to "just speak her language when the IL aren't around" like it's effing 1930s Germany.
She can speak whatever language she wants, it's called a mixed marriage and the English side isn't superior. If the OP and her partner lived abroad and her IL spoke, say French, would it be ok for OP to tell them to only speak French in her house, even to each other, because she doesn't understand much English? Yeah I guessed not.
OP, if you're all sitting together and your mum speaks some English it is polite to use it to avoid any awkwardness/exclusion. When you're only talking to your mum and they're on the other side of the room doing something completely different, sod it. It's actually xenophobic to try to "ban" someone's language in their own home!
With regards to children, billingualism works best if each parent speaks only their own language to them, it actually benefits them because they won't be copying non native accents etc. It might be worth explaining to your IL so they know why you're doing it.

Your original post says you were sayings that were not complimentary of your in-laws, which is not only rude it's also naive!

It's easy to see when someone is saying unpleasant things in another language, in a job I had years ago there were two languages spoken, English in school for lessons but also a language spoken within families. I once said to a group of chattering girls Do not use language like that in my classroom! and they were horrified that I 'spoke' the second langage but tone, facial expressions, gestures etc. can be very telling!

I'm not sure what you mean by now you won't be able to? Look, speaking as a fellow immigrant, please don't be a victim here - no one can forbid you to talk in your own language, why would you accept their comment as an actual order you have to obey? They simply meant "in company" i.e. around them (because, I agree with the other posters saying it's a bit rude, or it CAN be if it's excessive. If it's only here and there, and especially if your mum can't speak English, then it's understandable). Can I ask how old you are? You sound unusually scared of your in laws, is everything ok with the relationship there? You said they spoke to you in "strong terms", that very much sounds like a telling off - you need to say to them look no offence was intended but also don't speak to me like I'm a child, or your employee or something. And get your husband to support you. In any case, you very much ABSOLUTELY CAN SPEAK YOUR OWN LANGUAGE WHENEVER YOU LIKE

Your ILs can’t dictate that you can’t teach your heritage language to your own children. One parent one language is an appropriate and recognised method for learning so if that’s what you want to do then stick to that and they’ll have to deal with it. “DCs and I only speak X language to ensure their fluency. I will happily translate in your company but we won’t be swapping to English while they are young and still establishing their fluency”.

You and your mum, however, were bloody rude if you both speak English. You are adults and it is poor to swap languages to a minority language in company, especially to insult someone in front of them.

Get the kids to teach the in-laws your language, and put some background TV/music/radio on in your language 😈 Being multilingual is good for children's brains, don't let them miss out, keep them enthusiastic. Also say to the kids "aww, isn't it a shame they only speak English?" because the in-laws sound jealous and I'm willing to bet they don't speak any other language.

Any chance you could move further away and buy your own place? You and your DH both need autonomy and a spine.

I don’t think you’re fully acknowledging that she was only asked to speak English moving forward as they knew her and her mum were talking negatively about them in front of them so they couldn’t understand.

I've got relatives who speak English as their second language. (Their Dad isn't English, they live in his home country)
When they are visiting us English relatives they know the have to use English as much as they can as it's rude to say things we can't understand. Just common courtesy. Even if it's "please may I have a drink Dad" and the rest of us don't need to understand.

Obviously when they were very young and still learning words they spoke their main language more often. But now the are 99% fluent they are expected (by their Dad as much as anyone) to use a common language so we all understand.