Thoughts on 18yo daughter having her boyfriend stay over in our house regularly

[hafflesnaffle]

She says he can stay in spare room and nothing will go on. He lives some distance away. Im wary though and worried neighbours and relatives will gossip and this lad will be getting his ‘feet under the table’. And also having to police that nothing is going on! Daughter reckons i need to come into the 21st century! How have others dealt with it?

I know a lot of eighteen year olds quite well.

They can be at one and the same time extremely sensible, intelligent and responsible and … as daft as haddock 😆

I have two DDs 25 and 21 and I’d say no. I would let him stay on occasion if he can’t get home after an event or something but he will become an extra son and nobody wants that.

This in spades. You have to be the parent.

For the record I wouldn’t be concerned about the sex as that will happen anywhere. I just wouldn’t want the two of them in my home all the time. I managed to have several boyfriends and they didn’t need to stay at my family home.

I was 50 two months ago. When I was 18 1/2 I started courting someone I’d known since we started secondary school. My older brother had been allowed his girlfriend (same age as me) in his bedroom, and anyone watching tv in the living room on any given evening knew for sure that they were having sex.

Boyfriend and I were a lot more discreet and sensible. On two occasions in that house we had a scary episode that involved the loss of a condom, and me getting the MAP the next day.

After 9 months, I moved away from NW England to Luton to go to uni. He would visit whenever he had enough money for the train fare, and I went home for the holidays.

After 2 years, I had a HND and went on to complete a teaching degree, and boyfriend continued to visit me - this time coming from Northern Scotland where he had been posted by the RAF.

And now? Well, from that rather ignominious beginning with shagging in my bedroom at home, we’ve been together ever since and married 27 1/2 years. We’ve never had a break up, rarely argue, and people have repeatedly commented on how strong they think we are together. Oh, and we don’t have any kids much less ones that we conceived when we were 18 or 19.

We were friends first, which matters I think. Having sex in your parents’ house isn’t disrespectful as long as you are cognisant of family life going on around you, as we were. DH’s dad used the excuse of having 2 people in a bed built for 1 as a reason why we shouldn’t stay at their house, but it was 1/2 mile from my mum and dad’s so it didn’t matter.

There is another thread about a woman whose DD is 5 weeks pregnant and she is supporting her to terminate as she wishes.
OP; can you hand on heart say your DD could come to you in that situation?

Yes but surely you dont sleep in separate beds to pretend you never have sex as its 'disrespectful' and 'people will gossip'?
Obviously its important to consider others in the home.
But people can have sex quietly in the night in the privacy of their own bed..
I'd never dream of forcing adult children to sleep separately to their partners!!
Yes id be having a word with them if they were bringing random people back or sagging loudly and theatrically when others were in the house..
But I think its crazy to make adults in relationships sleep in separate beds. It's like something from the 50s!!

We managed to do it when our parents were out or in BF’s car somewhere private( he lived rurally) so there is no need to have to spend the night together. That has so many other problems such as feeding him and doing his washing. Why can’t they just date and then go home ?

It’s not a long term relationship. Just a few months so far. And at 18 relationships tend to be quite short anyway.

They are most likely having sex anyway 🥱 you are being unrealistic.

Doesn’t matter what anyone says, it’s your house. Yes they will have sex elsewhere but that’s different to openly encouraging it.

Yeah sure but a few months IS a long term relationship to an 18 year old.. because how long have they even been having relationships?
It's important to them.
I think you need to show respect and support to an adult child. Like you've got their back and respect that they are an adult. Part of that is acknowledging important relationships to them. If she's asking to have him stay in her room that's because she considers him important.
He may well not be next year, but that's all part of young adulthood.

What will happen if / when dd goes to uni. Mine met her first partner in freshers week, they were in the same house,/halls. They are haveing a sexual relationship. She knew I wouldnt judge and my role as the parent of an adult was to support her choice and remind her to think about appropriate contraception. If she brings him home, i will allow them to share a bed / room, but possibly remind her we are next door to her room.

I know TAATS are not allowed but can't help it. There's a poster on the main forum tiptoeing around her son's smelly girlfriend who lives with her.

This is just another reason why I don't allow partners! 😀
Why do we need to support all our DC's choices at a cost to ourselves?

Would you rather they went to the woods to shag and all your neighbours got to hear about it that way.
Living in the dark ages if you think not under my roof will stop it!

Yes this probably won’t be the person she marries but at 18 she should be learning about her body, sex, what she likes and experiencing different relationships so she can learn what’s right and wrong and what she wants long term.

You need to unclench and stop being so prude and small minded or you’ll push your daughter away.

yeah I’d much rather my kids had sex in car
parks and woods instead too 🤷🏽‍♀️😂🤦🏽‍♀️
I definitely don’t want to hear it, and I won’t like it….but I absolutely would
my kids are safe in their bedrooms having sex than anywhere else!
maybe im odd!
my son turns 16 in a couple of weeks. I would absolutely allow someone he’s involved with to stay over, with discussions about noise and respect etc.

I highly doubt nothing will be going on lol. Is she's sensually active then they will find ways so probably better to be in your safe environment 🤔

If she eloped to Gretna Green and returned with a ring on her finger would you let them sleep in the same room?

you had sex to conceive her!

how is it disrespectful to have sex in a relatives house?

stop slut shaming her

I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over at that age so I just used to go to his house instead.

They will likely be having sex anyway. Sleeping in a bed / sharing a room won’t stop or start that. I understand the respect part and if it was noisy I would bring that up. However my parents have never let a bf stay over at their house not even when I was mid thirties (and unmarried) so I stayed with my aunt instead when we visited them. Which had a worse effect on my relationship with my parents. I would be much more relaxed and tackle any poor behaviour (noise) rather than be so binary about it all.

All those saying they don’t want to hear their dc having sex - well your dc have managed to masturbate for years without you hearing so why do you think they will suddenly lose the ability to be discreet?

Your daughter will be safer if you are welcoming to her partners.

Obviously nobody wants to overhear their parents/children/siblings doing sexual stuff and nobody wants to be overheard either. So you can talk about walls / ceilings being thin. You can think about adding sound baffling things - fabric on walls, extra rugs etc. If your drains won't cope with condoms being flushed it's worth making it known you're on a septic tank etc.

Chances are they may decide it's too inhibiting trying to do quiet sexual stuff and reserve it for when they're elsewhere.

Why “not in your house”? They will have “shenanigans” whether she sleeps at yours or not! My sons 16 and his girl friend (16) has been staying regularly (Mon-weds) since they started college in September. They have been together since they were just 15, but when they started college it made sense as his girlfriend lives an hour away by car from the college and 2 hours by bus, so she stays her as we are 20’mins away. It means she’s less tired and able to concentrate on her course. They share his room on those nights.

I totally understand particularly if your daughter is a less mature 18 year old. TBH if he is going to be staying in another room perhaps they do have respect for your morals. They haven’t asked to share a room . If you have provided her with a moral compass and the pros and cons and she is able to digest those, perhaps that’s the best that you can do. It’s such a difficult thing to navigate for a parent. I’m dreading it!